Help! How Can I Rescue My Marriage Before We Drift Further Apart?

Does it sometimes seem like your marriage or relationship is turning colder with every passing day?

Is it true your sex-life is on a downward turn – and has been for a while?

If so, you may be able to benefit from this reply I sent to an unhappy husband who was in exactly this situation. Here’s what he had to say followed by my responses…

[Unhappy Married Man] I really need some help in my marriage before we drift even further apart and I’m hoping that you can offer me some help that’s the real deal. I have been married for 19 years and find that our relationship and sex life is in limbo at present. There are so many demands on our time that there is none left for intimacy, not to mention sex.

[Calle Zorro] Either consciously or unconsciously, you’ve made a choice as to where you’re going to USE your time. From what you’re saying, you’ve DECIDED that other things are more important than your relationship. That’s most likely why it’s in “limbo”. But of course, you could at any time DECIDE that your relationship is more important than those other things – and begin giving energy and attention to the relationship.

[Unhappy Married Man] I have read a number of articles explaining quick fixes to relationships that frankly do not work. I am not looking for a quick fix to our current dilemma, but something more lasting.

[Calle Zorro] I agree, “quick fixes” do not work because a “quick fix” is nothing more than trying to get something for nothing – and anything worth having has a price associated with it. A mutually warm, loving, and sexual relationship is one of the most valuable things a person can have – and something that valuable doesn’t come for free – it doesn’t come “auto-magically”. The price one must pay to enjoy a wonderful relationship is maintaining a certain state of mind, devoting time to each other, and putting effort into keeping the relationship exciting.

[Unhappy Married Man] I have deliberately used the word “our” because this includes my wife as well. I am not looking for self gratification, but rather the chance to rediscover the strong feelings of love, romance and excitement my wife and I had earlier in our marriage.

[Calle Zorro] This ties back to the state of mind price I mentioned earlier… If you’re anything like a normal man, there was a time when you were attracted to the lady who is now your wife. She was all you could think about. She was all you WANTED to think about. That’s a state of mind. You CHASED after her…yes, you wanted her sexually but you also wanted her as a person too. That’s a state of mind. You used your mind to DESIGN ways to spend more time with her…that’s a state of mind. You had plenty of OTHER things that you could do but you were interested in MOSTLY allocating your time to her…every chance you could get to be with her and to do things with her…you took advantage of. That’s a state of mind. Probably, as you’re reading this, you’re reflecting back to that time and remembering that state of mind – and that’s the point…you HAVE the mental faculties – the ability – to recreate that same state of mind and OPERATE in that state of mind – AT WILL. It’s a CHOICE. All you’ve got to do is DECIDE that you want to and then DO it.

[Unhappy Married Man] We still love one another but the reality of the situation is that a lot is said in anger over 19 years and the concept of “forgive and forget” is not always put into practice.

[Calle Zorro] One of the things I talk about in my product, “How To Seduce Your Wife”, is how that we mostly want to view forgiveness as a ceremonial act of the offending party coming to us and begging for our forgiveness and we – like some pompous being of royalty – ceremonially grant them pardon and forgiveness. But of course, that almost never happens and so people go through life perpetually offended as they frequently reflect back on offences. So, a much more useful form of forgiveness is to view it as picking the “weeds” out of the “garden” of your own mind. It’s just so much more useful for you as a man to consciously and purposely throw out any negative thoughts that you may be holding onto related to both real and perceived offences – no matter whether your wife ever acknowledges her “wrong-doing” or not.

[Unhappy Married Man] I am sure that a “shrink” will have an explanation for this situation, but please my wife and I are not looking for answers like “did you wet your bed as a child” or many others that come to mind.

[Calle Zorro] I’m with you on this… I’m sure there are social workers and family counselling therapists who are sincere and who help people…I’ve just never met any of them who could do anything besides take things around in circles and upset both spouses more than they were before. The fact is, if you have a splinter in your finger, there’s not a lot of value in talking about how you got that splinter. What’s more useful is simply removing the splinter. Similarly, if you’re cold, there’s no value in talking about the cold. Instead, DO SOMETHING to get some heat going and the cold just goes away. It’s exactly the same in a relationship. There’s not a lot of value in talking about past grievances and trying to weigh out exactly who was at fault and to what extent they were wrong. But, there IS a LOT of value in DOING things that create a warm, sexual marriage.

[Unhappy Married Man] We are looking for practical solutions that are exciting and help us to re-kindle our love and romance.

[Calle Zorro] To find the solution that gives you exactly what you're asking for, see the links below...

Copyright 2008, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if a resource box pointing to http://www.marriedandhappy.com/ is included with it.

Dealing With A Slump In Your Marriage Or Relationship? Here’s How To Fix It…

Relationship problems don’t always have to be so hard to fix. In fact, your problems just might be easier to fix than you realize…

Here’s the thing, sooner or later, all intimate relationships go through a slump where the relationship just doesn’t seem to be very much fun anymore – where things just don’t seem to be working very well. And, neither the husband nor the wife feels like they’re getting support from the other or that they’re understood by the other.

Let’s go deeper…

Usually when companions start feeling these kinds of feelings, it can usually be traced to problems, difficulties, or stresses in one or more of the following areas:

· Financial / Money
· Child-Rearing
· Work / Career
· Health
· Non-Intimate Relationships

Now, here’s what usually happens…

These problems, difficulties, or stresses generate feelings within an individual that range from mildly unhappy to burning resentment. And, even though it may have nothing to do with the individuals spouse, still yet, it gets PROJECTED to the spouse in all sorts of ways – from short, snappy responses to withdrawing, aloofness, and coldness.

And that in turn, generates a negative response in the spouse that gets PROJECTED back to the originating individual.

So by way of example, let’s say a husband and a wife both work and they are both unhappy in their jobs. Because of this, they are both unhappy when they get home.

If this couple doesn’t take special care, their actual situation of “I’m unhappy when I get home because of work” can quickly become TRANSLATED into an, “I’m unhappy AT home”.

The thing is, this can happen without either party realizing it because they’re both so caught up in their own feelings that they come home drained – even exhausted – from the emotional turmoil of it all.

And, in this drained state, they don’t have the energy to be supportive to their spouse. Often, they don’t even have the energy to see if their spouse even wants or needs support.

Now, pause for a moment and think about this with regard to your relationship. Have there been times when this has happened within your own relationship?

Clearly, these negative TRANSLATIONS and unwanted PROJECTIONS are what both you and your spouse must stop if you want to get your marriage out of its slump.

OK, let me REMIND you how to do that…

Start making “thought-sharing” time for each other – even if it’s just a few minutes here and there.

Go sit down together at a nearby coffee shop and “visit” with each other.

Let the kids lock you OUT of the house for an hour over the weekend – and go play “footsie’s” with each other on the porch swing while you share with each other what’s on your mind.

If you’ll do this, not only does it give the two of you some breathing room, you’ll most likely find that that the unhappiness and resentment will just go away.

Probably, you’ll realize that the fight really isn’t between the two of you. Probably, you’ll both realize that you allowed external things to come between the two of you – and magically, the “fight” will be gone with nothing left but “issues” to talk about.

Most likely, you’ll discover that you still like each other a lot.

So, take some time, make the space, create the environment where you and your spouse can explore what’s going on in each others’ head.

In doing so, you’ll eliminate the common mistake that many couples make of translating external unhappiness into marriage unhappiness.

You already knew this, didn’t you…that the answer to most relationship issues is and always will be devoting more time to sharing thoughts and feelings with each other more often.

And that’s something EASY that anyone can do – including YOU!

Copyright 2008, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if a resource box pointing to http://www.marriedandhappy.com/ is included with it.