Husband, let’s suppose for a moment that you wanted a little more affection, intimacy, and sex between you and your wife. So, let’s imagine that you ask your wife what she needs from you so that these things can happen.
What would your wife say?
Well, the odds are VERY high that she would give you a response that is some variation of the following actual response I received from a wife:
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“Intimacy can be a hard concept for a husband to understand sometimes. They frequently get intimacy confused with romance or even physical relations.
Many people might not realize this, but while men and women essentially want the same things out of their romantic relationships, their priorities are different when one considers the order that they want these things to take place.
For example, a man craves physical relationships as a priority over intimacy. On the other hand, women crave intimacy as a precursor to physical relationships. It’s for this reason that if a man wants to have an increase in his physical relations with his wife, he has to learn how to reach her with intimacy.
So how is it possible for a man to create more intimacy in his relationship in order to keep the romantic fires burning in his marriage?
There’s a variety of things that he can do to keep things refreshed and romantic.
One thing that he can do is constantly let his wife know how much she means to him. For example, a little note before he leaves the house can do a lot to put a smile on her face, and to create intimacy in her spirit.
It never hurts for a husband to say that he loves his wife, or that she’s been looking good lately, or to even let her know that he has plans for her when he gets home from work.
Romantic notes were things that were exchanged when we were younger and romance was fresh and new. Some people might think that when they get older they are too old for romantic notes, but notes can help revive the spirit of playfulness and romance in marriage. This is certainly something that can help to create intimacy.
It never hurts to give your wife an unexpected gift, or a token of appreciation. While a large scale gift such as a piece of jewelry is always appreciated, the small gifts are just as appreciated, and they also could help to create intimacy in the marriage.
For example, it doesn’t hurt to bring home some flowers, or maybe buy your wife a piece of candy.
A husband can even be a little bit untraditional, and he can go to store pick up his wife’s favorite treat, or he can call her while he’s running around to ask if she’d like something from the store that she needs to clean up around the house.
Buying cleaning supplies and everyday items might not seem very romantic to the man, but for women it creates intimacy, because the husband was thoughtful enough to ask her what her needs were.
On that note, some wives have said that romantic intimacy can include anything as small as a husband washing the dishes and taking on some of the housekeeping duties around the house. Women already have so much to do and when some of her daily responsibilities have been taken off of her hands, it will certainly soften her heart, and work to create intimacy in the marriage.
Creating intimacy doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, and a lot of cases it can be free. For example, a husband can consider when was the last time he took a nice walk with his wife around the block. They can both either take a nice leisurely stroll at the end of the day, or they can both put on their walking shoes and get a little bit of exercise in.
The point is for a husband to take some concentrated time, and do nothing but give that time and attention to his wife. This will certainly go a long way to create intimacy and warm feelings within his wife.
Women are a lot more prone to give a man what he desires physically when a man is going out of his way to create intimacy and emotion inside of her.
Besides going for nice walks, the husband can plan something that is fun and unexpected. For example, an interesting and fun thing to do that doesn’t require the two of you to go anywhere, is to plan an indoor picnic.
Picnics in of themselves are romantic, and they create intimacy. Many people don’t like picnics, because they don’t want to deal with the environment, or with bugs and the weather.
On the other hand, indoor picnics lend themselves to intimacy, because the atmosphere can be exactly as they wish it to be. Not only this, but they don’t have to worry about bugs, and they can play whatever music they like to create a romantic atmosphere.
Part of the picnic is laying down a blanket. With an intimate indoor picnic, they can lie down and enjoy each other up close and personal, while reminiscing, or while playing games.
The point is to create a feeling and space that makes the couple feel like they had fun, and that they shared intimacy together.
One more thing that a husband can do to create intimacy with his wife is to simply listen to her. For example, at the end of the day, a husband can allow for time to allow his wife to vent.
He shouldn’t try to problem solve, he should primarily just listen to her. Women are very emotional and they need to communicate. It goes a long way to create intimacy in a woman when she feels that she is understood, and that she is heard.
She needs to know that someone in the world hears and respects what she has to say, and what is on her heart. When she feels this from her husband, then very little will be able to break the intimate bond that will be created.
When a wife is made to feel that her husband wants to foster emotional intimacy with her, she will want to foster physical intimacy with him.”
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So, what do you think about this woman’s advice? Does it sound similar to what your own wife has told you in times past? Does it sound like familiar advice you have heard from women throughout the course of your life?
And another question … have you ever noticed … have you ever caught on to the fact … have you ever made the connection … that this common female “advice” just doesn’t ever seem to produce very good results when it comes to your sex life?
Well, I’m going to reveal something to you that nobody has ever told you before…
You cannot ask a woman how you can be more sexual with her because she WILL NOT tell you!
You either just “know” how to get her to be sexually expressive with you … you either just have that “something” that causes her to want to be sexual with you … or she won’t be very sexual with you at all. (Most guys noticed this phenomenon in High School … and married or not, the phenomenon is still just as true in their life today.)
So, when you ask a woman what needs to happen so that she will be more sexual with you, she will “sound” like she is answering your question … but the actual truth is that she is just telling you how to be a platonic, non-physical, friend with her.
It has happened millions and millions of times … the typical husband tries to find out from his wife what to do so that she will be more sexual with them … and his wife serves up some things he can do … and like a small boy thinking he is going to get some candy, he runs to “jump the hurdles” his wife has served up … and his wife may get a little friendlier with him … but she does NOT get any more sexual with him. In fact, she usually becomes even less sexual with him.
Again, a woman will NOT tell you how to be more sexual with her. Either you “know” how to bring her sexuality out of her … or in her mind, you do not deserve to get her sexuality … and this TRUTH has played out in untold millions of marriages … including YOURS, right?
So, let’s explore what commonly happens when a husband tries to apply “advice” to his marriage like the woman in the above letter gave:
1. “One thing that he can do is constantly let his wife know how much she means to him.”
Like MOST female advice, this “sounds” true and good … so you start saying nice things to your wife multiple times every day … you start telling her how important she is to you … how she is your “life” and so on … and if anything, your wife seems to disrespect and disregard you even more than she did before … and she definitely does NOT become more sexual.
2. “It never hurts to give your wife an unexpected gift, or a token of appreciation. … For example, it doesn’t hurt to bring home some flowers, or maybe buy your wife a piece of candy.”
Have you already realized that this “strategy” is not very reliable or enduring? The truth is that your wife will not respond sexually to you giving her gifts for very long. When you were first married, your wife MIGHT have “rewarded” a gift with sex … but now, it’s perceived negatively … as a bribe from you to get her to give you sex … because in her mind, that’s all you ever want is sex … in her mind, everything you do has the motive of you wanting sex behind it … which means she resists everything you do.
So now what are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to get sexual results in your marriage if your gifts … and your dinner / flowers / movie dates … and everything else you try … doesn’t work any more … or even worse, works against you?
And what about this one…
Have you ever brought home some kind of sweet treat for your wife, only to have her get mad at you for being an “inconsiderate pig” because you didn’t think of her and her diet? So, from that “harsh” experience, you “learned” not to do that … and then your wife turns around and tells you that you are an “inconsiderate pig” because you never think of her or do anything for her.
What do you do with that?
3. “Buying cleaning supplies and everyday items might not seem very romantic to the man, but for women it creates intimacy, because the husband was thoughtful enough to ask her what her needs were.”
More common female “advice” that in practice does NOTHING for your sex life. A husband tries to be “thoughtful” towards his wife … but then, she soon comes to expect him to be doing nothing except thinking about what she wants … she turns him into an “errand boy” … and more often than not, she’s not happy with what he is trying to do for her … he somehow fails to “be considerate” in a way that’s up to her “specifications” … all of which causes her to be turned off towards him.
And, the net result is that you can’t win for all the losing, right?
4. “…a nice walk with his wife around the block. They can both either take a nice leisurely stroll at the end of the day, or they can both put on their walking shoes and get a little bit of exercise in.”
Ok … sounds good … and what is a husband supposed to do when his wife isn’t interested in walking with him … what’s he supposed to do when she won’t take a stroll because something else is “more important” than being with him? Or, what is he supposed to do when his wife would rather walk with her girlfriends than him?
5. “One more thing that a husband can do to create intimacy with his wife is to simply listen to her. For example, at the end of the day, a husband can allow for time to allow his wife to vent.”
Oh yea … this is a fantastic piece of female advice … maybe you have tried it … and by the time you got through “listening” to your wife, she was in such a negative vibration that sex didn’t happen for at least two weeks!!!
Here is the point…
Female advice can be a good thing in terms of creating a friendlier relationship but RARELY will it do anything to spice up your love life.
You cannot ask a woman how to be more sexual with you because she will not tell you … even if she is that rare one in a thousand who understands what it is that really turns her on.
If you want to find out how to get your wife to be more sexual with you, then come ask questions and hang out virtually with a guy like me who “knows” how to get a woman to be sexual with him and learn from what I am doing that works so well.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro
Calle this is a really poor article, especially compared to your earlier article “The #1 Reason Women Avoid Intimacy with Their Man”.
It seems the world is full of men complaining they don’t get enough sex. They often think that the woman doesn’t love them, or is punishing them for something they don’t understand.
While there are certainly manipulative men and women out there, that’s not whom this response is about. I’m talking about loving and well-intentioned women when I say that women don’t deliberately withhold sex.
On the contrary, women are as devastated at the loss of the sexual relationship as are men. They are even more devastated at the loss of the relationship, and it is this sense of loss of the relationship that leads to the inability to experience arousal, and even to a phobic response to sexual approaches by the partner because to her unconscious mind he has become a “stranger”.
Men sometimes ask their partners what they need in order to be more available for sex. This is tough for most women to answer because up until now the whole business of sexual response has been unconscious and automatic – how do you put into words what you’ve been consciously unaware of for so long?
So in the absence of knowledge about what’s really going on, women will tend to focus on things that have caused pain or resentment, like unequal sharing of household tasks, lack of acknowledgement in conversations, disinterest in shared activities, lack of expressions of love or affection (often verbalised as flowers or chocolates, or even making her a cup of tea).
In fact what women are trying their best to get across to these men is that they want to feel connected, like they actually matter, and that they’re loved and appreciated. They want touching, eye contact, and a partner who is as dedicated as contributing to the relationship as they are. They also want an egalitarian relationship, 2 people building a life together as adult equals, not one who is basically an uncommunicative partner (or who acts like a messy, demanding, disrespectful or even bullying teenager who insists on everything being his way) who only “connects” when he wants sex.
I realise there are men who try hard to be a contributing partner in their relationship. However there are a lot more men who only ever even touch their wives when they want sex. Who think that sex is something you do in deadly silence with your eyes closed because the last thing you want to do is actually acknowledge there’s a real person there. Who can’t wait to turn over and go to sleep when it’s all over.
The hurt and disillusionment this causes to women who get sucked into these types of “relationships” is truly painful. I’ve spoken with so many women who tell me that the reason they stuck with it is because they thought the fault was theirs, that somehow they weren’t attractive enough, or that the man had been so hurt in the past that they rationalised this was the reason for his emotional crippledness, and that if they only loved him and cared for him, and nurtured him enough he would eventually feel safe enough and comfortable enough to really give of himself. It can be decades before they work out that it’s just not going to happen, that the guy is perfectly happy being the recipient of all that affection but has no interest whatsoever in making it mutual.
Guys in this situation think that the relationship is just great. They get all the love and all the sex, and they don’t have to give anything at all. Things can be “great” like this for years when the woman is hanging in there trying to build a relationship. When she eventually withdraws, or even leaves, these men are confused and angry because from their perspective the relationship was working just fine. They think “what’s wrong with her? I earn more money to pay for nice things. I put the garbage out. I take care of the garden. She should be grateful.”
This view turns his wife into a kind of prostitute, who should apparently be his unpaid maid and sex partner for the privilege of living in “his” home. Unfortunately women are still doing 80% of the housework, even when they work the same hours outside the home as their male partners. Men think that somehow women don’t notice this. I have news for them – we do. And we feel used. And we know you don’t love us because you don’t use people you love. This absolutely is not love.
And then we get “bright sparks” like Dr Bettina Arndt, who has been called a “cheerleader for rape”, exhorting women to just lie back and let him go for it because she’ll find herself enjoying it.
There are a lot of women who’re burnt out and exhausted by the effort they’ve put into their relationships, and are staring down the barrel of an isolated and lonely life within a marriage that is not a relationship. They spend the last 20-30 years of their life thinking “do I stay or do I go?” No wonder there’s so much mental ill health amongst the elderly. Loneliness will do that.
And all the guy thinks is wrong is that there’s not enough sex. How many of these men will actually attempt the journey of growing up and becoming a competent adult partner to their wife? Sadly, almost none.
What I don’t get is a wife who after 30 years wants to be alone and just work till she dies. I did carry my share of the household chores and helping with the kids. Was I perfect, no. Did I say & do some stupid, inconsiderate things, yes. Did I push her buttons at times, yes. Did she push mine, of course; we were in a relationship! Give and take and commitment. Have we had our rough financial times, yes. In the last 2 years she has nearly died, become a type 1 diabetic (@ 49), gone through menopause, been laid off, hired to another town and empty nest is only months away. To her I’ve become irrelevant, yet I love her unconditionally with all my heart. Yes I’ve been a doormat some of late just to give her peace and space. Patiently I wonder how to reconnect when the other half doesn’t want to about significant relationship things. I’ve even listened for years about her day and let her vent but this has not caused her to open up and share her anger or resentment. Help!
Hi Christine
Whilst I understand a lot of what you say – the last paragraph really does miss the point for me. As a man on this journey, I want to experience deeper connection with my Wife. Sexuality is a part of that, but it is more an expression than a focus.
Whilst I think it is true that some men miss the point and just see sex as the issue – it is by no means all. And ‘growing up’? Excuse me but making a relationship work is a two person job over an extended period of time. Both adults learn and grow in this position. I think you do men a disservice by asserting they are the ones who need to ‘grow up’.
Just by being here (ie. this website) and working on relationship issues you not think that men are doing more than ‘waiting for the world to turn out the way they want’ – ie. wishful (childish) thinking?
Relationships are a journey. For all involved.
“…However there are a lot more men who only ever even touch their wives when they want sex. Who think that sex is something you do in deadly silence with your eyes closed because the last thing you want to do is actually acknowledge there’s a real person there. Who can’t wait to turn over and go to sleep when it’s all over.”
Christine, where are you getting this crap? Even if this guy does exist, he’s not reading this letter, because he cares not about his wife’s sex drive; he’ll just go out and get it whenever he wants, wherever he can.
You’ve been watching too many bad guy movies. Your response only bolsters the validity of the point being made in this article.
I can talk till I’m blue in the face, I get the same answer. Like quit flapping your gums your false teeth will fall out. My husband of 40 years plus hasn’t and won’t be intimant sexually no touching, no kissing, just no nothing. I’ve asked him whats wrong with me, and I haven’t gotten a civilized answer out of him. (I’ve gotten answers but there not approperiate). He doesn’t want any thing to do with me, won’t sleep in the same bed. won’t talk, won’t be with me. He said just leave him alone and don’t talk unless its absoluty necessay. In my mid 60s now and I really can’t leave , were on a fixed income and I have no one to stay with. I bet he wouldn’t even miss me if I did leave. Please excuse my spelling! I can’t spell when upset.
Hi Ann,
It is conventional wisdom that all men want sex all the time…so most people do not realize that there are a surprisingly large number of men who will not have sex with their wife. But, there is always a reason why…and there is always something that can be done. For a woman in this situation, I recommend this site: http://www.TheWifeBook.com
Warmly,
Calle