It usually goes something like this…
They meet and start dating in high-school – or in some cases, in college. After graduation, they marry.
She goes to work in a lower-end job – something like teaching – which she enjoys to some extent – but it isn’t her “everything”.
He, enters into some kind of mid-range job – and the “potential” of a great career looms clearly before him.
And of course, he has his hobbies and the things he does with his friends…golf, motorcycles, fishing, racing, and so on.
Along the way, children come along – along with the corresponding bigger cars, house, etc.
In the morning, as he leaves for work, the man kisses his wife goodbye and when he gets home, he hugs her and tells her he deeply loves her.
Time speeds by…
Occasionally, the wife complains to her husband that she feels like her and the children are taking a back seat to his work and hobbies. And, for a time, he’ll “cut back” – just long enough for the “storm” to “blow over” and then he’s back to “life as usual”.
Besides, the man knows that he loves his wife and children and so he doesn’t feel that his wife’s concerns are justifiable.
More time speeds by…
And, what with all of his work and hobbies, it’s hard for the man to find enough time to be able to devote any significant time to his marriage relationship.
Every so often, another “storm” blows up…
The wife gets depressed.
She goes through emotional “hard times” for no apparent reason.
But, they talk and the wife tells the husband that she doesn’t feel like she’s a priority to him – although she readily admits that he is a good husband and father. Not only that, she tells him that she understands how important his career is and how important it is for him to continue “climbing the ladder of success”.
And so after talking, the storm seems to blow over and everything appears to be ok…
And since by his wife’s own admission, the man is a “good” husband and father, he just continues on with life as he knows it – work and hobbies, work and hobbies, work and hobbies.
Then five, sometimes ten, oftentimes fifteen or twenty years later, the woman “surprises” the husband with the “news” that she no longer loves him and that she wants out of the marriage.
It’s usually at that point that the husband is awakened to the fact for all of this time, he has been a priority to his wife while she has NOT been a priority to him and that she “cohabitated” in that lonely existence for as long as she possibly could – and now she doesn’t even want the marriage – let alone want the marriage to work.
The husband foolishly and mistakenly assumed that his wife would just always love him – without any maintenance or effort on his part – as he enjoyed life doing his own thing.
And now, more than anything, the husband wants the marriage to work out…and she doesn’t…
For too long, HE has put HIMSELF first…and SHE too has put him and the children first…
For too long, HE has done whatever he wanted to make himself happy…and SHE too has done whatever it took to make him happy…
For too long, the wife has put herself aside as she tries to make sure her husband got the things he wanted.
For too long, the wife has supported the man in his happiness and success. On the other hand, the man has given little to no support to his wife for her happiness and success.
Through the years, the wife would occasionally attempt to engage in something she was interested in – and she would quickly run into the “dark cloud” of the man’s displeasure for having to watch the kids or sacrifice his own interests and needs – and so, she would once again, set her needs and interests aside.
She suppressed “herself” and that lack of “expression” began to build – building like toxins and waste in an unhealthy body…
Now, she has reached the point where she is so emotionally shut down that short of a Divine miracle, the relationship is beyond repair.
The fact is, the wife is done with the man and his selfishness.
Ironically, now that the man realizes he is losing her, he wants nothing but his wife.
Now, the husband wants his wife to “communicate” her feelings.
Now, he wants her to “talk about” her needs and interests.
Now, she’s not interested.
Why should she be?
For all those years prior, HE wasn’t interested in really listening to and attending to her emotions, desires, and needs!
He was only interested in “listening” just long enough for her to shut up, get over her emotional spell (or as he really felt, her emotional weakness), and leave him alone so he could go on doing his own thing.
Why should she now believe that he cares about her feelings, desires, and needs?
Why should she now believe that he will actually make a permanent change – one where she is a priority in his life?
After all, his mode of operation for the entire marriage has been to “gloss” over her feelings, desires, and needs.
So, why should she put herself in a vulnerable position again?
Why should she go back into a position where her feelings get crushed all over again?
After all, his attitude was always one of, “This will all blow over. She’ll get over it.”
It was her unattended feelings, desires, and needs that caused all those “storms to blow up” through the years and every time, after the “clouds” cleared away, he was his same old unchanged self.
And each time this happened, the man unknowingly twisted an invisible dagger deeper and deeper into the woman’s heart that left HER feeling number than the time before.
Until finally, as it pertains to this man, her heart is “dead”. She’s “stone cold”. Her love is gone…her heart is gone…she’s gone.
There is ZERO desire in her heart to “try” anymore.
She has ZERO interest in “cohabitating” with a “kid” in a man’s body who gets all the toys and has all the fun while she sits on the sidelines lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled.
In fact, she has ZERO tolerance for even one more hour of being alone while her supposed-to-be-husband is off “making the boss happy” or “doing his weekend thing with his buddies”.
Of course, there were “signs” all along the way…
But, in all of his “rambunctious energy”, the man blew right past them and ignored them…
At least, most of them…
One of them was kind of hard for him to ignore…
The affection, intimacy, and sex became less and less frequent.
Early on in their marriage, it was a common thing for the man to hold her or to touch her hair or to kiss her and even to initiate sex – and she always responded and reciprocated.
But, as time went on, he still did these things but she slowly stopped responding and reciprocating.
Unfortunately, as her needs continued to go unnoticed and unmet, he “barreled on down the road” – turning to the comfort and enjoyment found in his work, career, friends, and hobbies.
Sadly, when they talk now, it’s through attorneys.
What about YOUR marriage?
My hope is that things aren’t quite this far gone for you yet. My hope is that there’s still a chance you can turn things for the better in your marriage.
Copyright 2008 by Calle Zorro