One of the most shocking, frightening messages a person can get is when their spouse tells them that their marriage is ending because they have found somebody else.
Now normally, my blog posts speak to men as I try to “wake them up” to being the kind of man who knows how to lead he and his wife into a happy, sexual relationship before his wife runs off with another man and then divorces him.
But today, I must speak to wives…
I have no doubt that this will raise some hackles…but I’m just saying…if you care about your marriage, then now is a good time for you to revisit some basics before it’s too late.
“Calle, my husband just told me that he is through with being unhappy with me, that he is in love with some other woman, that he is leaving me, and I will be receiving divorce papers in the next day or two.
I was so surprised and shocked that I literally could not say anything. I’m still trying to grasp and comprehend that this is really happening. I can’t believe after all these years of marriage and our children that he is just going to walk out on us and walk away from everything.
I thought our marriage was great and I thought he was happy being married to me.
Why would he do this to me and our children?
And what kind of slut / whore / tramp would break up our home? What kind of woman would take my husband away from me and our children’s father away from them?
I can’t say I am a super-model but I am considered an attractive woman. Is this other woman prettier than me? Is her figure nicer than mine? Does she have a lot of money? What is it that she has that has drawn my husband to her and away from me?
I don’t understand. I’ve put my entire adult life…I’ve invested my everything into this marriage. What just happened to me?
— Broken-Hearted Wife”
Well, there ARE always exceptions…but after having dealt with women in this situation way too many times, here are seven “common, normal reasons” why a husband will do this to his wife and children:
- Not enough sexual desire, passion, or interest from his wife. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he shouldn’t be either. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he is a sex-addict and pervert for even being in the mood. And of course, with this kind of attitude, she’s rarely in the mood because she isn’t the least bit interested in LETTING herself get in the mood…especially since she knows her husband is frequently in the mood. Consequently, she has decided her sexuality isn’t important to her at this time in her life so she just subverts it…and expects her husband to subvert his needs like she does.
- His wife prioritizes him as LAST and LEAST in her life. She puts the kids as first and foremost. Her mother and sisters are second-most. Her friends and coworkers are third-most…and after all of that, she is just “too tired” to have any time, interest, or energy for her husband.
- Similarly, it’s common for his wife’s attitude to be that her Dad or some other man is the world’s smartest, wisest man…and he is the world’s stupidest, most foolish man. If he says something, it’s stupid. If her Dad or some other man says the same thing, it’s smart.
- His wife thinks the kids are her “property”…”property” that she gets to call all the shots on. Typically, this means the kids pretty much run wild doing whatever they want whenever they want. Typically, this means the kids are pushed into all kinds of activities and engagements that his wife thinks they should be involved in…to the point that the family’s entire life revolves around the kids. And, if the husband says something about the “overbooking”, he gets accused of being a selfish pig. Or, if he tries to correct or punish the kids for misbehavior, the wife intervenes and interjects…even going so far as to insinuate or threaten him with divorce or DHS if he doesn’t back off and leave the kids alone.
- His wife wants a lot from him and gives back as little as possible to him as she can…and complains about what little she does give him. His wife fully expects him to meet her every material need…but his needs just aren’t important or necessary.
- His wife says she needs all the money they have now…but complains that there is nothing being set aside for the future…and insinuates he is a loser for not having more.
- His wife doesn’t value him, respect him, or appreciate him.
And all of this…plus plenty of other attitudes and behaviors…ranging from disrespectful to devaluing to irritating to downright nasty…add up to an EXHAUSTING DRAIN on a husband that EVENTUALLY he decides is just NOT worth putting up with any more.
A husband tires quickly of being with a woman who does not want to be his wife or lover…he get gets so tired of being with a woman who from all outward appearances doesn’t like him, want him, or appreciate him…that he finally becomes open to some OTHER lady being the woman in his life…and when he finally opens that door in his mind, he finds out that there are a LOT of AVAILABLE ladies out there who WANT to put him first in their life…there are a LOT of ladies out there who WANT to be his lover and sexual partner…there are a LOT of women out there who WANT to value and appreciate him.
Now, you should understand that your husband probably has a hard time being direct, open, and honest with you…just like you have a hard time being that way with him about things that are REAL to you. Most couple’s talk at a surface level and completely hide, avoid, and deny the deeper core issues that really matter. So, IF you were to go ask your husband right now if he’s happy being married to you…he would undoubtedly tell you he is.
But, if the two of you are not sharing exciting sexual encounters 2 – 5 times a week…encounters that you have prepared yourself for and look forward to…
If, you rarely tell or show your husband how much you value and appreciate him…
If you rarely have time or energy for connecting with your husband on an intimate level…
If you think intimacy isn’t all that important…especially to you…
If your husband is the low man on your totem pole…
If your husband’s needs are an irritant and a nuisance to you…and you meet his need just to pacify him…
If you have time and energy for your children, your work, and your family/friends…but not your husband…
If you rarely build up your husband…and frequently condemn, criticize, and tear him down…
Then I promise you, your husband is NOT happy with you…and don’t be surprised when the news of another woman in his life makes its way back to you.
One thing to elaborate on…wives often argue that their kids have to be the most important thing in their life. My response to that is this: you CAN put your kids to the top of your priority list…but what are you going to do when your kids are gone…AND your husband is gone too?
Now, no normal husband expects his wife to ignore the children and focus 100% of her time, interest, and attention upon him…but that’s not likely to be a problem any time soon because the average wife gives her husband less than 5% of her time, interest, and attention…70% to the children…and the rest to her Mom, sisters, and/or girlfriends.
And, a husband who is getting 5% or less of his wife’s attention and affection is LOW-HANGING FRUIT for the hordes of women who WANT to give 70% of their attention and interest to a man who reciprocates their attention and interest.
The good news is that as your husband’s wife, YOU have a lot of control over your husband’s loyalty and faithfulness to you. YOU have the ability to determine what priority he is in your life…and the level of priority you determine he has in your life also determines whether he is “easy pickings” for another woman or not. You can be the lover who values your husband or some other woman will be soon enough.
Comments? Tell me what you have to say about this subject: Leave a Response
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro
I will soon be leaving my partner/girlfriend of 5 years. She has constantly put her daughter and grandchildren far ahead of our relationship and has certainly made me the low man on the totem pole. Our entire world revolves around whatever she and her daughter plan. Whatever I have to say about it is “my own selfishness.” She has plenty of criticism but never a good word to say and we have had no intimacy in years. I have stayed around far too long, I am certainly not the Big Door Prize, but at one time I did love her and always wanted for us to have a real partnership and a real relationship. I always wanted to marry her, but I could never pop the question because I knew I was never going to be the most important relationship in her life. I no longer believe that will ever be possible. I am not leaving for another woman. All I need is a good dog and some good friends.
Ironically, most of what you describe in this article looks more like how my husband treats me, not the other way around. His interest in sex has diminshed while I would love to be having sex – the hot, exciting kind – several times a week. He insists on having the children involved in multiple activities which takes up a lot of the time we could be spending together – not to mention what this is doing to our bank account. He makes time for the kids & getting to those activities, but makes no effort to plan date nights for us. I know that he loves me & I believe he has been faithful, but he really makes no attempt to make me feel special, loved, taken care of. I have no intention of having an affair or leaving, I just worry what is going to happen to our relationship after the kids are grown and gone. I’m afraid we won’t have a connection or have much in common. I’ve tried to open up a dialogue about this, but it only angers him and he says I’m being too critical. He doesn’t see the value of working on getting to know each other on a deeper level & he thinks our marriage relationship is just fine like it is. Sigh….
Hi Kim,
Yes, for every situation, there IS a counter-situation. Sadly, just as you have described in your situation, there ARE plenty of cases where the husband is not the partner he should be either. Either way it makes for a miserable, unhappy situation that is totally uncalled for. Even worse, unless specific, targeted action is taken to get a situation like this fixed, it only gets worse. The worst thing a person can do in a situation like this is “nothing”. The good news is that there IS something you can do to try to fix your situation: http://www.TheWifeBook.com
I strongly recommend this for you because it will get a lot of “brainpower” directed at helping you fix your marriage.
Warmly,
Calle
Kim- I wouldn’t want to speak for Calle, but everything he says about women in a relationship speaks to men too. He’s good about differentiating between the different approaches man and women have, but if I get him correctly, his central message is that men and women BOTH crave intimacy and sex with their chosen partners. It’s just a quirk of human nature that two people with the same goals end up on different sides of the table. Calle could have written this same article and swapped “husband” for ‘”wife” and it would make sense. Now, you might want to ask yourself what more you can do to attract your husband. I’m not trying to lay blame on you, but in every fabulous relationship both people are asking “What more can I do” constantly. It sure seems like your husband needs to wake up and figure out just what a Jewel he has in you. Give him some of Calle’s material to read, but don’t do it in an accusatory fashion, as if he’s being told what’s wrong with him. Have a conversation about how much you love him and how you like it when you are truly intimate, and LATER give him something by Calle and tell him “I read this and it made sense to me. I’m wondering what YOU might think of it? Good luck dear. I’m hoping you and your husband will truly discover each other again. There’s a really romantic Chinese film called “The Road Home” that I would recommend to you. It’s one of the best love stories I’ve ever seen, but it’s Chinese so it’s not well known in the States. (Don’t worry, it’s subtitled, and if that bothers you, I promise that the movie will be worth the effort!). It’s about a woman’s devotion to her husband. Watch the movie with him, and tell him that you feel the same way for him that the woman in the movie feels for her husband.
Dear CalleZorro, you hit the nail right on the head for me….I am now facing my husband’s 2nd affair –
But there’s a twist to this story : after I found out, i said, “Ok honey, i suppose i messed up BIG TIME. and I understand that you were willing to risk everything for the relationship.
and honey since you were willing to risk your marriage, your family, your entire reputation for the sake of this girl, perhaps I shall just walk away with the kids. You can still have the girl and everything you hoped to have with her.”
and the funny thing was, he seemed more upset that I am walking out rather than the fact that he has new freedom.
for some reason, he is now not talking to me much etc, yet when i was badly injured recently, he was especially concerned in his angry yet upset manner. It seemed like he was even worried about me (LOL).
there are many other confusing instances that I feel a little unsure about whether he wants me to go or wants me to stay.
but his relationship with the girl seems ongoing.
thus like my late father used to say “How now, brown cow?”
You’re right. Even though we have been together for years & have a wonderful extremely close bond, I shouldn’t deny my husband & since I am not interested in sex, I’m going to start divorce proceedings immediately so he is free to express himself through his penis. I didn’t realize you can’t be happy unless you do this 2-5 times per week but now that I do, it would be selfish of me to stand in his way. Thank you for your insight & wisdom. I’m sure we’ll both be happier apart.
Good day CalleZorro,
Thank you for this wonderful piece. You have really touched lives.
Please i want to know if is right for a woman to demand sex from her husband. This issue came up in our women meeting and everybody was just anwering just yes or no but nobody could justify her answer.
Please advise with justifications.
Thank you very much for building happy home for Christ.
Nkiru.
I’m not married even 1 year… hope that will be June 3rd yet my wife shows strange behavior. She jumps from project to project, she left for 2 nights without me knowing where to, she starting “finding a pen-pall” on some internet list (she only responded to men, left her phone number to several, called several and even chatted from our bedroom in her pyjamas to at least one and tried to hide everything form me). Shortly after our marriage, she wanted to go to the US for 1/2 year to 1 year because she “always had this dream”. In the first few months she took care of herself but now I only look at legging and jogging suits.
Her niece made it clear to me the other day when she said: “dear, after we are married, we have what we want and we can become ourselves”. They laughed and I wondered….
That, is the foundation of leaving and saying good bye for both men and women…. we don’t respect what we have.
In the beginning I sent sms, whatsapp, emails…. I saw her answering other men’s emails, writing long emails back and hardly answer to mine. In the beginning I brought flowers but what’s the use if she puts them in a vase and doesn’t even water them. I loved talking to her on the phone but what’s the use if she first spends time and prioritizes others over me and I get to talk to her just before she falls asleep because she spend time, attention and energy with others?
I’m not one to quit but this early in a marriage I should not even have to wonder where my wife’s priorities are? Do I?
This article really adressed the deepest insecurity that I have been carrying around for the past 2&1/2 years since my husband left me and our 4 children,for a co worker of his. I’ve been so angry with him, but honestly my own parents tried to warn me in that last year of my marriage, Of how my husband looked so tired and unhappy , and like everything ,I would dismiss any notion of that being true,and I also accept that I did put his needs last ,especially after having 4 small children. Of course he could have been a better husband, But I could have definetly been a better wife as well. I feel so much regret now that I see him in his new relationship not happy , and it hurts so much to hear him say that even tho he dosent really love her , he rather be there with her because she does put him first ,they now have a small baby together ,and the fact that he is there with his new family and not with us is devestating ,he complains about her and underminds her ,he dosent put her first the way she does him, but when aked ” why are u still there? ” ,his excact words are, ” its more convenient ” . This article really helps to remind me that he isn’t all to blame , and I wish I could have done more to have shown him more respect and attention,and although I know that it’s compleatly over , I do wish I could go back and not given him an excuse to leave. He does tell me that he misses me from time to time, but all I can do now is try to be a good co parent to my children with him, that’s what our relationship has become ,and we both try really hard to be the best at this ,im happier now,in the sense that we both appreciate each other much more than before, he’s not the best father but the fact that he tries is enough now, and we can both see where we made huge mistakes.i don’t blame myself anymore for him leaving ,I now know that , that was not my fault. But again I know I Contributed to an unhappy marriage. I’m only 30 , but if there is anything I can tell new or young wives is that if all u really have to complain about is him not being the best listener or him not taking out the trash,or things like that,push past that, be the best u can be! If he decides to leave, despite you being the best,than trust me u will not regret the fact that u tried so hard,I hope my experience helps! Thanks
Alice, thank you for sharing your experience so that others can heed the wisdom you have acquired in a not-so-pleasant way. I wish you the best as you move into the next era of your life.
Hi FB,
As unpleasant as this situation is for you, it is a good situation for you because it is providing you with the motivation you need in order to be willing to learn, grow, develop, and change so that you can enjoy a more pleasant marriage relationship.
Here is the bad news:
1. Your wife is NOT behaving appropriately. Moreover, she would not behave this way with all other men…she is just behaving this way in relation to you.
2. You are less attractive to your wife than these other men…so she goes for the more attractive men. And by attractive, I do not mean how you look. I mean how you think, behave, and operate.
3. Unless you change your mode of operation, your situation is only going to get worse. The hurt, pain, and heart-break is only going to get worse.
Here is the good news:
1. You can become the kind of man where she does not behave this way with you. Instead, she interacts with you in respect, loyalty, faithfulness, affection, and so on.
2. You can become the most attractive man she knows of.
3. You can learn in my program how to change your mode of operation into one where your wife starts moving closer to you.
I am helping men from all over the world and I am confident I can help you too.
Warmly,
Calle
Hi Nkyski,
Yes, a person can demand sex … or anything else from their partner if they want to … and they may well have appropriate justification for making their demand. For example, we can easily reference scriptures in the Bible that are plain about a husband’s (and wife’s) duties and responsibilities.
However, this is the hard, not-very-successful way to approach people and life!
A much better way is to become our most attractive self … so that our partner is strongly attracted to us … so that they WANT to give us what we desire to enjoy with them.
The solution to this problem for men is very, very different … but for a woman, since men are so visual and competitive, fix yourself up so that you look your very best every time you are around anyone else … and act as classy and intelligent as you possibly can … so that every where you go men have a reason to notice you. I’m not saying cheat on your husband. I am not saying flirt with other men. I’m not suggesting any kind of wrong-doing. But, I AM suggesting that as you start looking and acting more and more desirable to men in general, your husband will specifically become more attracted to you.
This may seem rather shallow of men…and at some level it is…but it is the level that a man starts at and then he goes to the other more meaningful levels. Women are the same way but just in different ways … they are rather shallow in certain ways … but that is the level they start at to move to the more significant levels. That’s just part of being human.
Best wishes to you.
Calle
Hi Schek,
Here are a couple of questions for you to consider:
1. When you were between the ages of 15 and whenever you first got married … and you were devoting a huge portion of your mental energy to boys and relationships and “he’s cute” and all that “stuff” that all healthy, normal young ladies do … and particularly, as you fantasized about getting married and sharing your life with a man … did you fantasize about being in a friendly, platonic, non-sexual marriage relationship?
Did you fantasize about living your life in a “friendly” relationship where you and your husband shared chores and tasks … where you and your husband worked your jobs … and watched your tv shows … and went to bed and then straight to sleep … and then got up the next morning and did the same thing again?
And particularly, did you imagine yourself adopting children or just never having children because the idea of having sex was repulsive to you?
I don’t think so!
You KNOW this is not what you fantasized about and talked about with your girlfriends.
The fact is, you KNOW you fantasized about an affectionate, intimate, passionate, exciting, and SEXUAL relationship with a “hot” guy! And, that is STILL what you want no matter how much you have subverted your feelings … no matter how much you have given up on your fantasy.
Just because your husband’s mode of operation has shut you down and turned you off does not mean that you do not want or need sex. If you didn’t want and need sex with a man you admired, respected, and was attracted to, then you would not be expressing the resentment and hostility that is contained within your comment.
2. Let’s suppose that you did leave your husband over his desire for sex 2-5 times a week. What then?
Are you going to live alone for the rest of your life without ever interacting with a man in an intimate way?
No?
Well, that means one of two things. One, you are going to have to express yourself in a sexual way in order to attract a man into your life … and if you are going to have to do that anyway, why not do it with your husband?
Two, you’ll have to hunt and dig for one of those rare men who just have no sexual desire … and you KNOW you cannot really be happy with that kind of man.
But of course, you can INSIST that you don’t want, need, or like sex … and if that is what you are DETERMINED to hold yourself to, then yes, you SHOULD get out of the way so that your husband can replace you with a woman who wants to be more open, honest, and real about her sexuality … who wants to express her sexuality with a man … who wants to enjoy all that is entailed in sharing a sexual relationship with a man.
On the other hand, if some woman is going to enjoy a lot of sexual fun with your husband, it might as well be you … yes?
I just came across this article after I discovered yesterday that my husband is having an affair with an old high school girlfriend. I am so shocked and devastated by this news and, honestly, save for the last 4 months, never saw it coming. As I read through this to see what I might have done to cause this, what I read describes how HE was acting in our marriage. He rarely wanted to have sex, he seemed to always put his needs and wants first and would seem annoyed if we had to do something with my friends or family. I am trying very hard to be honest with myself about my actions in our marriage but I honestly do not think I did any of these things. We would have arguments from time to time but I chalked those up to normal marital disagreements. When he dropped this bomb on me yesterday he claims that he’s been miserable for 2 years and just couldn’t take it anymore. Now he’s considering leaving me for this other woman. Was I living under a rock because I never noticed or felt that way?
Hi Dabandit,
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
There are cases where no matter how good a person is to their spouse, he or she refuses to be good back. There are cases where a person will marry one person when really they are still “in love” with another person … and consequently, they never really treat the person they married right.
But mostly, the person we each are married to will move closer to us or farther away based upon our own level of attractiveness and desirability.
If you place a houseplant in a dark corner, what is it going to do? It is going to GROW AWAY from the darkness and TOWARDS the light, right?
It’s the same in a relationship. If we are like “sunshine” to our spouse, then assuming they are a normal, reasonable person, they WILL “grow” towards us. But, if we are like “darkness” to our spouse, then they WILL “grow” away from us.
All we have to do is “measure” how much “sunshine” we are giving our spouse and we can RELIABLY, ACCURATELY PREDICT what is going to happen in time.
Therefore, we each have a CHOICE to make. Do I want to be “sunshine” to my spouse on an ongoing basis so that they continue to be be attracted to me … so that they continue to desire me? Or, do I prefer to be too lazy … or too “sensitive to issues” … to be “sunshine” to them?
For each of us, our CHOICE … whether we are conscious of it or not … DETERMINES whether our spouse is going to be drawn to us or to someone else.
How do you be “sunshine” to your spouse?
Well, if you are a woman, the 7 items in the article above are a good place to start. If you are a man, then the place to start is here: http://www.MarriedAndHappy.com
Hi Waffles,
My recommendation is that you go to http://www.WifeSeducer.com and get the bundle there. Femininity and female sexual response is stimulated in response to strong masculinity … so it is in this direction that you will find your solution.