This past week my wife confessed that she had an affair with a man in a neighboring department where she works. She assures me that the affair is over with, that the whole thing was a mistake, and that I’m the only man she loves. Also, she has asked for my forgiveness with what seems like genuine sincerity and I’m doing my best to forgive her.
What bothers me now is that I know she still runs into this guy at work and I don’t know if her feelings for him are truly gone. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know if I can really trust her ever again even though I’m really trying forget this whole thing and put it behind us.
On my part, I acknowledge that I have been withdrawn from my wife for quite some time due to some erection problems I’ve been having but still, that didn’t give her the right to go cheat on me.
Right now, I am just heart-broken and I can’t seem to stop crying. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Every day of the week, just as described in the letter above, men everywhere find out that their wife has betrayed their trust and had one or more affairs. Sadly, for the vast majority of these men, had they applied even a little “preventative maintenance” to their marriage, they would NOT be dealing with all the unpleasant feelings that go along with betrayal.
In the above letter, the man made a common mistake – a mistake that he could have easily avoided and had he avoided it, he most likely would NOT be dealing with broken-trust and broken-heart issues right now. And, though it’s too late for this gentleman, hopefully it’s not too late for YOU.
Before I start however, I want to emphasize the fact that in no way am I blaming men for everything nor am I excusing women for cheating. Rather, I want to emphasize a particular kind of “preventative maintenance” that men can employ so they can avoid the scenario where their wife has cheated on them.
The first thing that men must understand is that withholding intimacy and sex from their wife for ANY reason opens the door for infidelity in a hurry. If a man has not been intimate with his wife for an extended period of time – regardless of what the reason – he should know that the gauge that measures whether or not his wife is susceptible to an affair is DEFINITELY in the danger zone.
Now, there are plenty of reasons why a man can lose his sex-drive. There are all kinds of problems that can cause a man to back away from initiating intimacy. There are all sorts of issues that can crop up and drive a wedge between a man and his wife.
Maybe it’s a personal health problem such as Erectile Dysfunction. Or, maybe it’s a broader-scope problem such as work-related stress. Whatever the reason, whatever the problem, whatever the issue, it’s the RESPONSE that men tend to have that I want to deal with here.
Specifically, the response that men USUALLY have when they have a problem or issue is they WITHDRAW.
(Note: At the other end of the spectrum, they go into “Big Baby” mode which is just as bad and is likely to get the same kind of unwanted results from their wife – her having an affair.)
Regardless of what it is, the result is that the more a man withdraws – no matter how legitimate the problem or issue – the greater the emotional distance he creates between he and his wife – the greater the disconnect there is between them and the greater the chances are that his wife will cheat on him.
So, when a man is dealing with a personal problem, he needs to make sure he’s doing these things:
- Communicate frequently with his wife about what he’s doing to solve the problem and ask her to be patient with him as he works through it. Make sure that she sees he is taking action to resolve the problem.
- Take the utmost care that he doesn’t push his wife away or pull away from her as he deals with this problem.
- Regularly make sexually-charged statements to let her know she is still sexually attractive and desirable to him – even though the problem may prevent him from performing at this particular moment in time.
- Continue to give his wife regular intimacy and sexual release in whatever ways he can – even if it means using his fingers or adult toys.
These are important because the typical man tends to have his head all wrapped up in his problem to the point he ignores his wife. And, while he’s ignoring her, his wife wants and needs attention. In fact, she gets very excited and sexual when positive attention is directed at her.
Now, couple this with the fact that when a man withdraws from his wife, she will tend to start feeling unattractive physically, emotionally, and sexually. And, the more a man withdraws, the more pronounced this feeling is in his wife.
Consequently, when some other man comes along and creates those attractive feelings within her, the desire to regain validation becomes so strong that none but the most spiritually devout woman can withstand consummating that validation with sex.
Moreover, as a woman becomes more disconnected from her husband due to his withdrawal, she starts to feel a series of negative feelings ranging from neglected to stress to outright depression. Obviously, these are feelings that she does not like and desperately wants to move away from.
Prior to her own affair, she may also compound the problem by developing other negative feelings such as suspicion – where she starts imagining that her husband is cheating on her and that’s why he’s not interested in intimacy or in communicating with her. The result is that it’s not at all uncommon for a woman to have an affair out of “retaliation” to the affair she imagines her husband to be having.
Bottom line, as much as a man may want to resist it – after all, he does have a problem – but still yet, to focus only on himself and his problems is a sure way to threaten the sanctity of his marriage.
This is true because no matter how much a woman may love her husband, no matter how much she may empathize with his problem, she still has needs.
In straightforward language, a wife needs more than a husband who is wrapped up in himself and his problems is giving her. Consequently, she is “ripe for the picking” to any other man who moves in on her.
Copyright 2009 by Calle Zorro