I recently received the following in an email from a man seeking help in his marriage…
Can you help me put my marriage back together? Here are the details of my situation:
- We’ve been married for 11 years but we have now been separated for about 4.5 months, living in separate houses about 30 minutes away from each other.
- We have two children, ages 4 and 6.
- No sex since our 4 year old son was conceived. The very last time we had sex was a few months after my son was born, so that would have been probably January or February of 2005. So nearly 4 years. However, on that one occasion, it was terribly physically painful for her even though she was “ready”… I assume because of recently having the baby, or being newly sewn up after some tearing during delivery. In any case, she actually cried so we stopped. The last time before that was when our son was conceived. So about 4 years and 11 months ago. That particular time was after a long time of neglect on her part, and she suddenly, basically attacked me. We didn’t even go get any birth control because it had been so long for me that was the last thing on my mind. And I guess for her, it was just too urgent to worry about that. Well, needless to say, my son was a direct result of that encounter.
- My wife suggested separate houses. And strangely she was the one who also suggested that we go on weekly dates. Still can’t really figure that one out.
- She tells me that she thinks about cheating on a daily basis. For example, we had just finished a date, where we played tennis. Then she asked me to go with her on an errand to Target. In the car on the way back I told her that I got a sense that she felt there was some sort of rush, so I asked her who or what was making her feel rushed, if anything. That’s when she told me that she had reached her sexual prime, and that she was basically constantly thinking about cheating on me.
- She tells me that if I ever touch her she cringes inside.
- She says she doesn’t know why she’s not sexually attracted to me anymore, like she used to be.
- She told me late last night that she has made up her mind to file for divorce in January. She originally told me she wanted a divorce last February, a few days after my birthday and two days after my last grandparent’s funeral. After about a month of doing all the wrong stuff (i.e. begging, pleading, etc.) she finally agreed to separation instead, to see if things could improve. So from February to July we lived in the same house and actually even slept in the same bed (even though I told her I’d be fine with sleeping on the couch) until we moved to a different state. At that time we moved into separate households, her to her Mom’s house, and me to my Mom’s house.
- Sometimes I get a response. There have been several times where she’s allowed some affectionate touch. For example, one night while we were talking about politics, she let me tickle her back, and then she let me run my fingers through her hair and sort of a light scalp massage. While I was running fingers through her hair, she was hip to hip with me, turned and looking right into my eyes while we talked, smiling the whole time. A far cry from what she told me last night, which was that any time I touch her, she cringes inside.
- She agreed to see a marriage and family counselor, only on the premise of helping us handle things with the kids better. The counseling quickly turned to focusing on the marriage, in an attempt to rebuild the marriage in hopes of reconciliation. We continued to see a marriage counselor upon arriving in the new state, but after only 6 sessions my wife said she no longer wanted to go to couples counseling.
- Long before moving to the new state, during a counseling session my wife suggested that we go on weekly dates once we arrived in the new state. Both the counselor and I were surprised by this, but obviously I agreed to that, and figured it was nothing but a positive thing. It had also come to our attention in counseling that she pursued me fully at the beginning of our relationship (kissed me first, asked me out on two dates before I asked her out, said “I love you” first, said she wanted to marry me first, had a date for marriage first even before I knew that I wanted to marry her, after marriage she decided when it was time for our first child, our second child was conceived after she basically attacked me after having neglected the sexual relationship for quite some time.)
- We still go on a weekly date whenever possible. However, she has been out of town a lot of weekends with her Mother and other friends living it up.
- I am currently only employed part-time, out of my industry. This is partly due to the fact that I had been at home raising my kids during the past two years, while my wife attended graduate school. I am a graphic designer, so I freelanced from home to make enough for us to get by. Then with the move to the new state, that took a huge toll on my freelance so I am now working nights just to make ends meet, while still trying to find a full-time design job and/or freelance projects. I tell you all of these details because I am wondering if you think it will be simply impossible for her to respect me until I find something full-time in graphic design. Or perhaps some other way to make the same money as I was making before, when my wife was at home full-time with the kids and I was working in a design studio. I am doing my best, but I often sense that this may be a deal breaker for her. The irony is that I was supporting the family by myself until I quit my job to move to another state for my wife to attend school. But I know her mind is not focused on that. Only that currently it has been very difficult for me to find work.
- I should mention that she had been sexually abused at around the age of 5 by her Mother’s live-in boyfriend.
- She had mentioned to my daughter that part of why she wanted the separation was to see if she would miss me. I don’t feel like because of our situation, she’s ever even had the chance to miss me. I think somehow she needs that. It also came out in counseling that she thrives on pursuing (like she pursued me during our courtship) even though right now she is retreating.
- She had told me that she is realizing that she is at her sexual peak (she is 31 yrs. old, so it’s typically known for women to peak around that age range.)
- She also has started drinking, which is against our religious beliefs, and which she hasn’t done since she was a teenager.
- She stopped wearing her ring from the time she said she wanted a divorce.
- She used to have only plain white panties, but last week I noticed that she has new colored, sexy panties. (Only from seeing them peek out the top of her pants.)
- Obviously all of these above things show that she is ready and willing to cheat.
- However, my confidence and true personality are back so strongly, that honestly I am not worried about my reaction or feelings if she chooses to cheat. I realize that the underlying reason she’d likely be doing that is as an attempt at achieving emotional intimacy. However, I am worried that she’d feel so guilty that even though I feel I could forgive her, I don’t think she could forgive herself. I think that guilt would keep her from any chance of reconciliation.
- By the way, my religious beliefs prevent me from dating anyone else during the separation (as the book suggests for the 30 day no-contact period.)
- it has come out in our counseling sessions that the times in our sex life when the sex was fantastic were all the times when she initiated it. Whenever I initiated sex, by and large it was not a positive experience for her. The counselors have said that this is basically because of the abuse that occurred in her childhood. Do I still try to initiate sex? Or do I wait for her to do so? I have concerns that if I initiate it, she will feel pressured, pursued and possibly even controlled. And if I don’t initiate it, I am pretty sure she probably never will. I would really appreciate some guidance on this.
Following is the response I sent back…
If you don’t want to know what the most probable “truth” is, then STOP READING right now and immediately delete this email. Otherwise, here are just a few of the things my experience in helping a whole lot of men tells me…
- It’s possible your case is an exception but in all the other cases I’ve encountered where the woman has been non-sexual for an extended period of time…then initiates a sudden, one-time, “we’ve got to have sex now” fling…and birth-control is avoided in one way or another…and then a couple of weeks later “pops” the news that she’s pregnant…well, the fact was, she was ALREADY pregnant – usually from having an extended affair – and she needed a quick “encounter” to hide that…and a DNA-test eventually proved that out.
- Now, whether this is true or not, please don’t let this change or alter your feelings for the child because this boy desperately needs and wants your love regardless of who sired him. As far as the child is concerned, YOU are his Dad and he doesn’t want any other Dad.
- But, as it pertains to you, you really need to be aware of the highly probably “truth”.
- This also supports why your wife doesn’t have “feelings” for you like she used to.
- The odd thing is, men have the reputation of being the sexual ones but in reality, experience has proven to me that many men will go sometimes for years without sex as they “hang” on to their so-called “marriage”. In contrast, very few women will go for an extended period of time without sex. She’ll either initiate a divorce quickly, or she’ll find another man outside of the marriage…play that hidden game for some period of time…and then begin the process of dissolving the marriage. Again, your case may be an exception but it is an EXTREMELY RARE woman who will go for nearly 5 years without sex. It’s my opinion that a big reason for this is that a man can “survive” on masturbation for an extended period of time whereas a woman needs more than masturbation can give her – and that’s why she sooner or later finds a sex-partner.
- Women and cats can be two of the meanest, most devious creatures on God’s green earth…and your estranged “wife” IS playing you for the fool and having fun at your expense doing it. Your wife has no care for you. She has no feelings for you. Believe it or not, you are nothing more than fun and entertainment for her – at your expense:a. She keeps tabs on you for the perverted enjoyment of knowing that your life is miserable while she “lives it up”.
b. She wants weekly dates just for the perverted fun of seeing that she can still control you.
c. She strings you along (politics night) just so she can feel her perverted sense of power over you.
d. She throws jabs at you such as “thinking about cheating” just for the perverted pleasure of watching you squirm in anguish.
- Now, what WILL happen at some point is she’ll realize that you have zero masculinity, that there is no depth of degradation you’re unwilling to stoop to for her and the moment she realizes this is the moment she’ll cut you out of her life as completely and permanently as possible. When a woman reaches this point, she’d rather sleep with a NASTY DIAPER than the EMASCULATED man who used to be her husband.
- You’ve LET your wife EMASCULATE you…a woman cannot remain attracted to a man that she controls and directs. From your statements, your wife has been controlling and directing you from the very beginning – which is why the sex disappeared long ago – which is why she most likely has been pursuing other men – or at the very least is ready to pursue them now.
- There is NO pot of sexual gold at the end of the “self-subverting, self-sacrificing” rainbow. When you say things like, “honestly I am not worried about my reaction or feelings if she chooses to cheat” you’re just proving that you’re not man enough to stand up for yourself and what you want and that people can walk on you and trample you at will.
Ok, is there any hope for your marriage?
There’s a lot of territory that could be covered here but I’ll GIVE you the following:
- The process a woman (and a man for that matter) goes through to “fall out of love” is this:a. She mentally dismisses or minimizes all the good and pleasant memories and experiences she’s had with her husband.
b. She mentally dwells upon and maximizes ALL the bad and unpleasant memories and experiences she’s had with her husband.
c. She imagines a wonderful, happy future with ANOTHER man.
d. She repeats steps A through C until she reaches a threshold where she’s totally disgusted by her husband
e. Now, it’s merely a process of eliminating her husband from her life so that she can be “happy” with a new man.
- I suggest that you seriously consider whether God is trying to give you a better wife. Pull out your Bible and read Ecclesiastes 7:26, “And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall ESCAPE from her”. Consider also Matthew 19:6, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” And that the inverse is also true, what God has let be put asunder, don’t try to rejoin. Related to that is 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases”. Pray about this for yourself…it may be that you need to go through the “falling out of love” process for yourself.
- But, if you’re bound and determined to try to reconcile, then here is your only hope:a. Do your best to REVERSE the “falling out of love process” in HER mind. Say things that cause her to remember when she first fell in love with you. Say and do things that help her imagine and re-experience those feelings. Say and do things that help her move into that “first love” state of mind. Every chance you get, describe in as much detail as you can – using as many of the senses as you can in describing – all the good and pleasant memories and experiences you’ve had together. Similarly, at the right time, you acknowledge the bad and unpleasant and then minimize it and counter-balance it with good. Basically, the process that’s going through YOUR head right now is the process that you want to attempt to get going in HER head.
b. You’ve got to immediately become the most masculine man your wife knows. A mare NEVER controls or dominates a STALLION. Look at nature’s examples of male behavior in the animal kingdom. You’ll get the right ideas.
c. By demonstration, your wife must immediately become aware that she CANNOT control or dominate you – that you are your own independent MAN.
d. Your wife must see that good times and good experiences are enjoyed by those who YOU accept into your world and that you ONLY allow quality people within your world.
May God help and bless you and take you to your highest good.
Mr. X then sent back this reply…
Wow! This was eye opening! I really appreciate what you’ve told me here. I am not sure about my son really being my son, but I will be getting a DNA test as soon as possible. I’ll never tell him if he’s not mine, but I need to know. I’ll confront my wife if he’s not mine. And of course I’ll let you know the results as well.
I will take everything you’ve said to heart, and depending on the DNA results, try to do the steps for reconciliation. It may be too late, but I have to give it a shot. I appreciate your comments about the possibility of God giving me a better wife. I am totally open-minded to that as a real possibility. However, to have a clear conscience before God and my children, I need to exhaust all resources before calling it quits even though she has said she is done. Then if she goes through with divorce as she says, I will eventually be open to another wife who is less controlling, more kind and devoted, etc.
The process of falling out of love is EXACTLY as things have happened with us. She was diagnosed with clinical depression shortly after we were married, so I think that has played a factor in minimizing the positives and maximizing the negatives.
It all makes perfect sense to me now. And to think all along, I thought I was being such a good husband for being such a nice guy, and trying so hard to please her. I wish every newlywed man could read this.
I hope this info is not too late for me and my family. I sincerely appreciate your generosity and time! I will eventually buy all your books when I can afford it. For either this marriage or the next, if it comes to that.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro