A woman sent me the following:
Calle, in your writings, you tell men that they can change their wife. I’d like you to explain why it is OK for men to change women to what they want–but women are always being told that must never try to change a man? How can you excuse this double standard? I’m quite serious and expect a serious answer.
Let’s start with this…
WHY does a man think his wife needs to be changed?
Here is why: back when he was dating the woman who would become his wife, she was fun, loving, affectionate, intimate, and sexual. She was “into” him. She was everything and exactly what he wanted in a woman. She liked and wanted EXACTLY the same things that he wanted.
From everything that she said and did…from every readable sign, message, and indication…the man could only conclude that she was an awesome woman…and he THOUGHT that by committing to marriage with her, he would be locking in to a future with her that was filled with the “same” awesomeness.
But then, after marriage…for a variety of reasons…with plenty of fault and blame due to both herself and her husband…the typical wife changes DRAMATICALLY. She is no longer the “same”.
As far as the typical husband can tell, his wife is no longer “into” him and she is FAR LESS affectionate, intimate, and sexual compared to what she was before.
Of course, his wife has plenty of reasons, excuses, justifications, and accusations for her MAJOR turnaround from awesome woman to awful wife.
But whatever the reason…whatever the cause…the typical husband…in HIS mind…just wants his wife changed back to what she was when they were dating and when they were first married.
Consequently, when I tell men that I can help them change their wife into the kind of woman they want her to be, I am connecting with them in something they deeply want…which then opens the door to them letting me help them create an incredibly wonderful marriage relationship…the kind they want very much…and that their wife wants very much too (whether she’ll admit that or not).
But, setting aside the fact that I am helping men create the kind of marriage that both they and their wife want more than anything else in the world, let’s dive down beneath the surface and explore these two questions:
1) What is wrong with a wife trying to change her husband?
2) What exactly is the typical wife trying to change in her husband?
Let’s answer the second question first. Instead of appreciating, valuing, and building up her husband in his masculinity and his masculine ways, the typical wife diligently strives to domesticate her husband and turn him into the equivalent of a girl-friend who thinks, processes, behaves, acts, likes, and wants just like her. In other words, the typical wife diligently strives to feminize her husband.
And, in trying to please, satisfy, and pacify his wife, the typical husband FOOLISHLY gives in to the pressure his wife is exerting on him…and he becomes more like what his wife THINKS that she wants him to be like.
But then, a very BIG problem manifests: the typical wife is no longer attracted to the “domesticated girlfriend” SHE PRESSURED her husband into becoming.
Bizarrely, the things that cause the typical woman to be attracted to a man are the very things that she diligently strives to strip out of her husband.
For unfathomable reasons, the typical wife CONTINUES to pour cold water on the “fire” that created attraction between she and her husband in the first place…and she is not satisfied until she has completely snuffed out every last ember of attraction.
Of course, when there is nothing left but a pile of ashes…well, that is when she starts complaining about how UNHAPPY she is because no longer feels the “spark” or the “chemistry”. That is when she starts telling her husband that she loves him but she isn’t in love with him.
That takes us back to the first question…why is it wrong for a wife to try to change her husband?
A lot actually…because IF a woman succeeds in “changing” her husband into what she THINKS she wants him to be…the odds are VERY HIGH that SHE is going to literally DESTROY their marriage…and of course, when that happens, it also means that their family will be DESTROYED…which in turn often leads to all kinds of fall-out and problems with any children they have together.
Now, there are always exceptions the rule. But, what I am articulating IS the norm. The norm is that men REALLY ARE wanting to “change” their marriage relationship so that it is better, more satisfying, more fulfilling, more connected, more loving, more intimate, more affectionate, and more sexual. The problem for most is that they don’t know how to bring about the good changes that both they and their wife are wanting.
Now, let’s go to a different but related subject…
Why the sensitivity about a husband trying to change his wife?
I regularly get calls, emails, and messages from women…who are in a complete tizzy…who have “flipped their wig”…and when everything they say is stripped down to the root, they are upset…to the degree that it has affected them physically…about the THOUGHT…that I MIGHT be teaching men how to have power over women.
Why are women so concerned that a man is going to somehow take advantage of them?
Why is there such a fear in women about what men may or may not be doing TO them?
I’ll answer these questions…
The liar believes that everybody else is lying to him or her.
The cheater believes that everybody else is trying to cheat him or her.
The deceiver believes that everybody else is trying to deceive him or her.
The woman who frequently manipulates a man so she can take advantage of him is ALWAYS concerned that a man MIGHT be trying to manipulate her so that he can take advantage of her.
The woman who is striving to usurp power over a man is ALWAYS concerned that a man MIGHT be trying to get power over her.
That segues into this…
What is up with all the “penis envy” that so many women exhibit?
Why do so many females resent men on one hand…and then want to be more like a man on the other hand?
Why do so many females despise males on one hand…and then work so hard to be more male-like on the other hand?
I can tell you that men find such goofiness and silliness VERY unattractive and repulsive.
Men want a woman who is feminine! Men want a woman who is ALL woman!
Having said that, there is a question to ponder here…
Why is homosexuality on the rise?
Is it because there are so many females with so many issues and so much baggage…who are striving to be like a man in so many ways…and so much so…that some men are just deciding they are better off to go find a man to be with…and skip all the mental games and emotional drama that too many females bring to a relationship?
Is it because some men are deciding that rather than be with a female who is trying to ACT like a man…why not just go be with an actual man?
When you consider the increasingly nasty attitudes and evil behaviors of some women, it becomes more understandable why some men are rejecting women altogether.
And just so it is clear…I am against homosexuality because it is a path that leads to a subsequent misery that is greater than the initial misery a man was trying to get away from.
You don’t solve a problem by running away from it.
But still, there IS a reason why people do what they do…and women would be well-advised to consider how they are causing men to think about them.
It is possible for women to do so much man-hating that men no longer want women?
Well, it doesn’t seem likely…but then again, the Bible does foretell and prophesy of a time when each man will have seven women pleading with him to LET them use his name…and they will do all the work and providing.
At first thought, that seems pretty far-fetched. But, given enough time…and given enough women conditioning men to reject them…then it becomes not all that far-fetched.
Like I said…it’s something to ponder.
Now, let’s go to this…
Yes, there ARE scenarios where men have an advantage and get better treatment…just as there are scenarios where women have the advantage and get better treatment.
To elaborate with a common female complaint…it is true that for a given job, men often receive higher pay than women. Now, is that because women are truly being discriminated against…or is it because there is a very real, tangible, and quantifiable difference in focus, attention, production, output, achievement, and accomplishment? Well, that is an argument that has been going on for a very long time and we are not going to try to answer that here.
But, what about the very common scenario where a more-qualified man is turned down for a sales job…and the job is given to a less-qualified female…because the employer KNOWS that a “pretty” female can get appointments more easily?
What about the very common scenario where a man gets pulled over for speeding and he gets an expensive fine…but a woman driving the same road and same speed gets off with just a warning?
What about the very common scenario where a man and a woman commit a major crime TOGETHER…and then when they BOTH get caught red-handed, the woman gets off with little to no consequence while the man goes to prison?
And, what about this one…here in the USA, roughly half of all marriages end up in a divorce…and here is the scenario that plays out most often:
- The wife gets the house, most of the assets, and a huge alimony payout…along with child support payments that the children will see very little of.
- One out of five men will end up bankrupt…while the woman trots off with her new lover and tax-free income.
- Worst of all, the woman gets the children and the Dad essentially loses his children.
The point is this…
EVERYBODY…whether male or female…has to deal with certain injustices and inequities.
Everybody…whether male or female…has advantages and disadvantages.
Everybody…whether male or female…has troubles and problems.
Everybody…whether male or female…has scenarios where they come out on top…and scenarios where they come out on bottom.
Yes, as a female there are unique challenges that you have to deal with and burdens that you must bear.
But guess what?
Men also have unique challenges they have to deal with and burdens they must bear…that you would NOT want to bear yourself.
So STOP complaining…STOP whining…and STOP using your mind so negatively…and get on with living and enjoying life in spite of the issues, challenges, disadvantages, injustices, and inequities!
The fact is, as a husband and wife BOTH move towards being their best and highest self, all the differences and issues dissolve away and what is left is peace, love, enjoyment, and satisfaction.
And in contrast, the more a husband or a wife focuses on the differences and the issues, the LESS peace, love, enjoyment, and satisfaction there will be in their relationship.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro