In this article, I am going to talk about marriage improvement because this is something that YOU really do need to hear about.
It really is quite amazing how people and families can be so different…and yet, the same patterns, themes, and scenarios play out in most all of their lives in spite of their differences.
It doesn’t matter where people are from…it doesn’t matter what their background…it seems that the human experience is more similar than dissimilar.
And, as a man who helps a wide variety of men from a wide variety of locales with their marriage, I frequently see and hear the same patterns, themes, and scenarios…one of which revolves around the cost of marriage improvement.
Every so often, a man who is interested in marriage improvement…a man who wants a better marriage relationship with his wife…will contact me and say something along these lines:
Calle, I really wish I could get your biggest program. I have no doubt that it could really help me in my marriage. But, I just do not have that much money lying around. And besides, my wife would kill me if I spent that much money for your program. Any time I spend large amounts of money, my wife grills me about what it was for. The other thing is that my wife thinks our marriage is just fine. In fact, she has on multiple occasions told me that we do not need anything like what you offer.
Let’s start with just the money aspect…
Most all of us understand what it is like to have a limited amount of money. In fact, at some point or another, most every person / family is going to go through a time of financial hardship.
Experience and observation tells us that financial difficulty is one of the ways that God tries to prod and move us to make improvements in our life and/or in our character.
But be that as it may…the thing about financial difficulty is that it also tends to reveal problems, issues, and weaknesses in OTHER areas of our life…such as in our marriage.
So, it is a very common thing for people going through financial difficulty to also struggle with issues in their marriage.
It is for this reason…namely, money problems and marriage problems happening at the same time…that I offer my marriage books individually on my Married And Happy Catalog page.
Sometimes, a fellow really cannot afford the price of my marriage bundles…but he can scrape together enough to buy one book one at a time…over a period of time…until he has all that he needs and he is enjoying the kind of marriage relationship with his wife that he was wanting.
Next, let’s go to the point where the wife says the marriage is fine…
IF a husband perceives that his marriage needs improvement…THEN IT DEFINITELY DOES!
And in fact, it was most likely needing significant improvement long before he even recognized or realized that things weren’t quite right between he and his wife.
To elaborate, the normal husband is NOT acutely in tune with his wife’s feelings or state towards him. Consequently, he is not conscious of or aware of his wife’s negative, turned-off feelings towards him UNTIL they have reached a HIGH threshold and there are VERY REAL problems.
So again, IF you are a husband who perceives that your relationship with your wife is less than what it could be…or has some underlying issues…then you definitely need to take steps to effect improvements in your marriage.
There is another item that is relevant here…
I regularly have men call me up…and they are in shock because their wife has just left them. And guess what? The wife of some of these men had previously told them that their marriage was fine.
Now, these men KNEW their marriage wasn’t as good as it needed to be. They could FEEL that things weren’t quite right between them and their wife. And so, they started talking about marriage improvement with their wife.
But, their wife told them everything was fine. Their wife told them that they didn’t need to spend money on marriage improvement. And so, these husbands backed off and dropped the matter.
Unfortunately, after going a bit farther down the path of life, their wife left them.
Well, these men would have obviously been way better off if they had NOT listened to their wife…and went ahead and spent money on marriage improvement.
Now, let’s ask this question: why would a wife not want her husband to spend money on marriage improvement?
Well, it is frequently the case that a wife KNOWS she is not being a good wife. She KNOWS that she falls way short of being a good wife. And therefore, she does not want her husband improving himself…or learning more about marriage relationships…because that would call attention to her own sub-standard level.
And so, the wife belittles, negates, and dismisses the idea of spending money on marriage improvement.
The other factor here is that as long as a husband is relationally-ignorant, his wife can blame and condemn HIM for any and all marriage problems.
In fact, most all of the departing wives I was just talking about blamed their husband for the failure of their marriage.
Think about that…the wife did not want her husband to spend money on marriage improvement…and then she turned around and blamed him for the failure of their marriage.
Okay…it is now time to pull the gloves off…and get real…
The way things are phrased in the quote at the top of this article reveals a lot about a husband relative to his wife.
Moreover, based upon how things are phrased in the quote above, it is evidently the case that the husband has never had the kind of man in his life who would talk straight and blunt to him.
He apparently never had a man who would tell him the truth…a man who would help him see himself in a different way that was useful and helpful to him and that would make his life better.
So, I am going to be that man for all of you who have not had such a man in your life.
(I recommend you buckle up your seat belt as we are about to hit some turbulence.)
“You probably should not buy my program. Instead, you should just keep on being a good little mouse. You should just keep letting your wife tell you what you can and cannot do for the rest of your life. You should just continue being your wife’s lap-dog who takes whatever crumbs she decides to give you…and be happy that you got those crumbs.”
Now, I know that sounded mean, rude, belittling, and critical. And, I really am not a mean, rude, belittling, or critical person. But, I purposely said what I just said in a harsh way because you need your perspective and awareness expanded.
Specifically, here is why I said what I said in the way that I said it:
- A wife will never be affectionately, intimately, or sexually attracted to a husband who is a mouse or her lap-dog. She just will not! Now, she may well stay married to such a guy for a variety of reasons. But, the kind of man that she feels attraction and sexual desire for is DEFINITELY NOT a mouse or her lap-dog. So, the sooner you decide that you are not going to be a mouse or a lap-dog for your wife, the sooner you can get to your wife feeling attraction and sexual desire for YOU.
- Your wife has been the relationship-leader in your marriage for a long time. Now, the question is this: has she led you into a relationship that has grown more and more affectionate, intimate, passionate, amorous, and sexual through the years? Of course she hasn’t. So, WHY would you want to let her continue leading your marriage relationship? WHY would you let your wife continue leading YOU down a path of less and less affection, intimacy, and sex?
- Does your wife resist and reject improvements in all the other areas of your lives as well? Is she still driving the low-end car she had when she was 21? When the two of you went house-shopping, did she look for the least amount of house she could find? Well, my guess is that through the years, she has very much wanted “improvements” in what she drives and lives in. In other words, my guess is that your wife is very much interested in improvements in materials things. So, isn’t it kind of like totally bogus to not want ANY improvement in things that matter far more than your vehicles and house put together…such as your marriage?
Again, these are some things you can think about. And, as you think about them, recognize how your wife has negatively and adversely affected YOUR life because of how YOU have positioned yourself relative to her.
Now, I am not suggesting that women in general are all bad or stupid. Nor am I suggesting that your wife specifically is all bad or stupid. But, I am saying that God never meant for a wife to be the head or the lead over her husband…God NEVER mean for a wife to be the one who defines a marriage relationship.
And, when it is the case that the wife is the head and the lead over her husband…when it is the case that the wife defines the marriage relationship…the result is ALWAYS a not-very-affectionate, not-very-intimate, not-very-sexual marriage relationship.
Yes, you and your wife may love each other. Yes, you and your wife may be good friends. Yes, you and your wife may get along well together. But, IF your wife is the relationship-head and relationship-lead…and if your wife is the one who has defined your marriage relationship…then I can guarantee you that your marriage is NOT very affectionate, intimate, or sexual…I can guarantee you that your wife is not warm and amorous towards you.
And, the ONLY way to improve your marriage…the ONLY way to change the dynamic in your marriage relationship…is for YOU to become the leader in YOUR marriage.
Now, I recognize that you may well be feel a bit miffed at me for my bluntness and harshness here. But, I hope that you will be wise enough to recognize the truth of what I am saying.
After all, it is the quality and enjoyment of YOUR life that we are talking about here.
Here is the bottom line:
You will either put time, effort, and money into marriage improvement…or you will suffer in a dissatisfying, frustrating marriage relationship. If you are a married person, those are the only two options you have.
So, you just as well go ahead and get started moving forward with YOUR marriage improvement.
Now, supposing that you are interested in marriage improvement…how do you move forward with that…and still keep the peace with your wife?
Well, here is a nice, positive way for you to circumvent your wife’s objection to you spending money on marriage improvement:
“Wifename, there is much that is good in our marriage. And, I am thankful for all that is good between us. I really am. But at the same time, I sense that there are some ways our marriage could be improved. More specifically, I am thinking that our marriage would be more enjoyable and satisfying if I learned some things that would help me be a better husband who better understands you. So, unless there is some legitimate financial reason for me to postpone that I am not thinking of at the moment, I am going to buy a marriage program for men…something in the ballpark of $100 to $300 depending upon which option I get. Having looked pretty closely at the details, I am pretty sure I will get a lot of benefits out of this program. But, even if I only get one or two ideas for improvement out of it…well, anything that makes our marriage better and more enjoyable for both you and me is definitely a good thing.”
With something like this, you should be able to move past in resistance, insecurity, or fear that your wife has about you spending money on marriage improvement…and get yourself moving forward into a happier, more satisfying, more affectionate, more intimate, and more sexual marriage relationship with your wife.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro