Virtually every day, I hear some variation of the following:
“My wife, who in the beginning was very sexual, has lost interest in me and we cohabit like two roommates living in the same house. If I haven’t already lost her I sense her slipping even further away. When I try to suggest things that I think we could do to strengthen our marriage she interprets that as me being critical of her, of me blaming her (which I do not do) so she shuts down and refuses to even discuss it. I want to resurrect our marriage. I want a good marriage with my wife. I don’t want us living in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. And, we certainly are not getting any younger. These are supposed to be the best years of my life but they aren’t because I don’t have a good marriage relationship with my wife.”
One of the most fundamental male/female relationship concepts we must understand is that a woman ALWAYS reacts and responds to the man in her life.
The man is the leader…and the woman is the follower.
By his “mode of operation”, the man defines what the relationship is going to be like.
Now, LOTS of men excuse and justify their poor mode of operation.
LOTS of men assert that they are not doing anything wrong…certainly not substantially wrong enough to cause their wife to be the way she is…and so, they shift all the blame onto their wife.
LOTS of men discard their wife’s accusations…claiming that her accusations have no legitimacy or merit.
But, the fact remains that a woman is ALWAYS reacting to the man in her life. What HE is doing (or not doing) is what SHE is reacting to.
Or, stated in the inverse, for good or for bad, a man’s mode of operation reliably produces the kind of relationship he has with the woman in his life.
To come at this from a different angle…and fabricating a hypothetical scenario…if God was to pick your wife up…and drop her into a relationship with a different man…a man who understood and lived all the things that I talk about across the spectrum of my books…and God turned you into a “fly on the wall” who could observe this other man and your wife interacting…you would infallibly see your wife acting like a love-struck, sex-hungry teenager.
Same woman…different man…very different response…very different relationship.
Of course, we don’t want your wife in a relationship with a different man…we want YOU to become the man that your wife can have this kind of response and reaction to.
To bring this concept across in still other words…to want your wife to “work on your marriage with you” is a nonsensical concept.
There is virtually nothing for your wife to work on.
She is ALREADY responding and reacting PERFECTLY to YOU.
Your mode of operation is reliably producing the responses that you are seeing and experiencing with her.
And in fact, your mode of operation would generate the same exact response in ANY woman who stepped into a relationship with you.
Yes, the specifics and details would be different…but the outcomes, end-results, conditions, and circumstances would end up being EXACTLY the same.
This is one of the big surprises that come to men who step into a second (or subsequent) marriage. Once they move to their next wife, they are convinced that they are marrying a woman who is better than their previous wife…but soon enough, they discover they are in EXACTLY the same scenario and situation they were in with their previous wife.
Different woman…same man…same outcomes…same kind of relationship.
Again, for good or bad, the man is the one who determines what a relationship is going to be like…because the woman can only react and respond to WHAT the man she is with IS.
Put a woman in a relationship with a high-quality, high-caliber, highly-developed man who understands how to lead a male/female relationship, and you will infallibly find this woman perpetually reacting to the man in a desirable, wanted way…that is, in a highly affectionate, intimate, and sexual way.
Conversely, put this same woman in a relationship with a low-quality, low-caliber, undeveloped man who possesses little to no female handling and interacting skill, and you will soon enough find this same woman reacting to the man in an undesirable, unwanted way…that is, in a low-affection, low-intimacy, and low-sex way.
So, the bad news is that what you are living with your wife is your fault. But, the VERY GOOD NEWS is that YOU ARE IN THE DRIVERS SEAT. YOU are in a position to change your marriage into exactly what you want it to be.
All you have to do is DEVELOP YOURSELF into the kind of man that your wife can have a positive, affectionate, intimate, and sexual response to.
In my mind, it would be AWFUL to be a woman waiting around for years or even decades…waiting for the guy she is with to figure out how to lead and take her into the happy, loving, affectionate, intimate, sexual, fun, exciting, satisfying, fulfilling kind of relation that SHE REALLY WANTS TO BE IN WITH HIM!
It would be AWFUL to be a woman and to watch year after year…decade after decade…of your life pass away while the guy you are with never gets around to figuring out how to LEAD and TAKE you into the kind of relationship that you BOTH want.
This is precisely why a woman starts “slipping away”. Based upon the fact that her husband has not learned how to lead and take her into the affectionate, intimate, sexual, thrilling relationship that SHE WANTS to be in with him…AFTER ALL THE TIME SHE HAS SPENT WITH HIM…she realizes that he is most likely NEVER going to learn how to lead and take her into that kind of relationship…and so, she starts moving away from him…she starts withdrawing from him…she stops being affectionate, intimate, and sexual with him.
Of course, circumstances (appearance, age, locale, etc.) can be such that a woman realizes that her chances of ending up with the kind of man she really wants to be with are rather low…and so she stays stuck in a depressed, withdrawn, distant, cohabitating, non-satisfying relationship that is miserable for both her and her husband.
So, don’t be mad at me when I tell you that what you are living with your wife is mostly your fault.
Instead, recognize and be glad that I am showing you what a fantastic opportunity you STILL have to create the kind of marriage you want. Instead, determine to become the man that your wife CAN have the kind of response to that you WANT her to have towards you.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro