“Calle, PLEASE SEND ADVICE on how to present your information and program to my husband! When I have brought up the subject of problems in our marriage, he has been defensive and accused me of accusing him of neglecting to do something or wanting to change him. There has to be a positive way to present this important information. From what I have read on your site, it sounds like you are right on the money and I want nothing more than my husband to have the opportunity to read and understand. PLEASE ADVISE! – An Unhappy Wife”
Unhappy Wife, sadly, your situation is very common. Frequently, the more a wife tries to encourage her husband to make certain changes that will enable the two of them to finally have a happy, satisfying marriage relationship, the more her husband has a negative response and the worse their marriage gets.
When it comes to his marriage relationship, the typical husband is so sensitive, insecure, and defensive on one hand…and conceited, arrogant, rude, belligerent, and stubborn on the other hand…that it is mind-boggling to his wife.
Let’s explore this phenomenon a bit…
We understand that in general, both men and women tend to place a lot of emphasis upon how a woman looks. So naturally, a woman tends to be quite sensitive about how she looks. Consequently, if someone says something critical, derogatory or non-complimentary about how she looks, it WILL generate a negative response within her. Now, she may control herself and not express that negative response…but internally, she will feel hurt because at her core, she WANTS to look good…she WANTS people to look at her and be pleased with what they see.
Now, relative to themselves, men are very concerned about…and very sensitive about…their:
- Rating as a lover
- Desirability to a woman
- Ability to satisfy a woman
- Capacity to make a woman happy
In other words, the thing the typical husband is very, very concerned about is his woman approving of him, desiring him, and looking up to him. The typical husband’s “big thing” in life is to please his woman so she wants him…to be a man who his wife is pleased with, is proud of, and desires.
(This bizarre thing is, the typical husband has done virtually nothing to develop himself into the kind of man who enables his wife to think or feel these ways about him. Similarly, for all his desire to please his wife, he does incredibly little to please her in the areas that matter most to her…although he will work hard in other areas that he thinks are important.)
So, a woman can expect that ANYTHING she says or does that hints at, suggests, complains about, or exposes a man as weak, inadequate, or under-performing in one of the above areas WILL generate a negative, defensive, sensitive, or angry response within him.
Now, the quandary is this: a happy, satisfying, fulfilling, meaningful marriage CANNOT exist UNLESS a man has developed himself into the kind of man who understands what his wife’s needs are and he intentionally meets those needs…AND…he understands how to create, lead, and manage a pleasant, passionate, stimulating, fun, exciting, intimate, and sexual relationship that he and his wife can enjoy together for the rest of their lives.
In other words, the kind of marriage that everyone wants to have…and that so few people actually have…CANNOT happen until a man develops himself into the kind of man who his wife can have a positive, attracted, and turned-on response to.
Like it or not, this is just the way it is. No matter how great a woman may be, she CANNOT bridge the unhappy, dissatisfying gulf that is between her and an undeveloped husband. No matter how hard a woman tries, she cannot continue to have a positive, turned-on response to her undeveloped husband’s unattractive mode of operation.
Certainly she can try…as most women do for years…or even decades. But, at some point, a woman gets to the place where she is unwilling to try anymore…she is unwilling to give anymore…and she just quits…and decides it is time for her stop wasting her life and to redirect her desire for a fulfilling relationship to someone else besides her husband.
But of course, no wife wants to get to this place. Any normal wife WANTS her husband to succeed with her. So, that brings us back to the main question…
“How can a wife get her husband to buy my program…without offending him…hurting his feelings…or making him mad…and also get him to study and implement my teachings…so that FINALLY, she and her husband can have a happy, satisfying, fulfilling, intimate, passionate, and sexual marriage relationship…which is the kind of marriage that they BOTH really want down deep?”
Now, here is the reason I have been sharing the above points with you: to motivate your husband, you must tap into his core motivations.
The reason the typical wife fails to motivate her husband to take positive action is because her “requests for improvements” sound to him like complaining, griping, whining, bitching, criticizing, and so on…and the typical man does not respond well to that. He will either have a fight response…or a move-away response…neither of which is the response the wife was hoping to invoke in her husband.
What you want to do instead is get your husband into “helping you”.
Again, it is one of the most bizarre things ever…but the typical husband wants his wife to just accept him…and desire him…and be attracted to him…just as he is…in all of his undeveloped, unattractive ways and manners. Yes, it’s totally RETARDED and STUPID…I know…and yet, this is EXACTLY how the typical, undeveloped husband thinks. So, any approach that is about the husband improving is HIGHLY LIKELY to meet with resistance and failure.
But, when you position yourself as the one needing help…and invoke his sense of “rescue the fair maiden”…then, you are far more likely to get a positive response out of him. So, I suggest you say something like the following:
“Husbandname, I really need your help. I ALWAYS want to have a turned-on response to you…I ALWAYS want to be the warm, friendly, playful, affectionate, intimate, and sexual wife that you want me to be for you. But, the problem is, I am a female…and you know that means I get too emotionally caught up in day-to-day things that drag me OUT of the mood and mode of being the kind of wife you want me to be…and that I want to be.
Now, I am NOT complaining about my life…or wishing I had a different life…because I am thankful for my life. But at the same time, as I deal with all the things throughout my normal day that I deal with, it takes me WAY OUT of the mode of being a sexual wife…and I need you to help me get back. I need you to lead me out of my turned-off, shut-down state and back into a turned-on state relative to you. Now, I know that deep down you know everything you need to know about how to turn me back on…but, I also know that for several years, your mind and attention has been on other things besides leading me back to a turned-on state.
And so, I am asking you to get a program that is offered at www.TurnOnWife.com…because as I read about it, I could tell that this program will confirm what you already know deep down…and will put what you know in a tangible, conscious form so that you can more easily use it…so that getting me back into a turned-on state can be as easy for you as is possible. Will you please do this for me Husbandname? Will you please get this program sometime TONIGHT, polish up your seducing skills for me, and help me in all the ways that I need you as my man to help me?”
OK…I understand that from your perspective as a woman, this is a bit self-belittling. I understand that this attributes to your husband “skills” and “knowledge” that he does not actually have. And, I understand that this sounds very much like a childish, selfish man you are talking to. But, keep in mind that your objective is to get your husband motivated to learn and change so that he becomes an attractive, desirable, and sexy man who you can enjoy a happy, satisfying, and passionate marriage relationship with.
Also, notice carefully and specifically that at no time did you ever say that your husband was doing everything right. Do NOT make the mistake of saying that your husband is doing everything right…and that you are the one who is “broken”…because this will sound really good to his ego…and he will literally receive and believe what you just said…and he will then have little to no motivation to change anything about himself…because after all, you just told him that he was doing everything right…that he is in no way the problem…that the problem is with you. Moreover, from then on, if you ever suggest that he needs to make any changes or improvements, he will remind you that you have already told him that he’s doing everything right. So again, do not make this mistake.
Similarly, notice that at no time did you say you were “broken” in any way…because again, that puts his mindset in the place of trying to fix you…instead of him making changes and improvements that you can positively respond to.
Essentially, this a strategic approach wherein you admit an alleged female weakness…and call upon him to use his alleged masculine talents and abilities…to rescue you and to lead you out of your weakness…and to lead you back into the state of mind you need in order to best give him what he wants. At the same time, he secretly knows deep down that he does not have a clue about how to do for you what you are asking him to do…and so, if he has any wisdom or rationality at all, he will appreciate the positive way in which you asked him to take advantage of a “resource” that will refresh his memory of everything you are saying he already “knows”.
Now, if you do not get a positive response from your husband with the above positive motivation approach, then here is the next step: invoke his fear of losing you forever.
If your husband is not wise enough to respond to positive motivation, then your only other option is to let him respond to negative motivation.
As I described above, at some point, an unhappy wife reaches the point where she is no longer willing to try to make things work between her and her undeveloped, unattractive husband…she reaches the point where she no longer cares about being with him…she no longer wants anything to do with him…she is no longer willing to have sex with him…or kiss him…or even touch him…she doesn’t want to talk to him or be around him…she no longer wants her husband to succeed with her…and guess what, THAT is when the typical (relationally dense) husband “realizes” that it is important for him to “work” on his marriage.
And so, he REALLY goes to work trying to improve his marriage…and he REALLY wants his wife to work with him on improving their marriage…but even here, he still does not recognize that he is the problem. Rather, he “thinks” something is wrong with his wife…he things she has “went off the deep end”…she is having a mid-life crisis…and he needs to “fix” her…because she is the one whose behavior is “broken”…and his efforts are all about getting his wife back to what she was before her “blow up” in relation to him.
(As a side note, this is in fact one of the very first things I have to teach men…their wife is NOT broken…that there is little to nothing wrong with her…she’s working perfectly…she’s having a perfect response to her husband’s non-attractiveness…and all she needs is a developed, attractive, desirable, and sexy man who she can have a positive, turned-on response to…and she would IMMEDIATELY be “fixed”!)
So, the strategy here is for you to invoke this, “It’s important for us to work on our marriage” response in your husband…BEFORE you actually reach the point that you have totally written him off…and you have no more interest in him succeeding with you. So, this might sound something like this:
“Husbandname, it is time for me to be up-front, open, honest, and direct with you. I have reached the point where I am no longer interested in you touching me…I don’t want or like sex with you anymore…and I haven’t for a LONG, LONG time. Kissing you is the grossest thing I can imagine…I have no interest in being with you…I don’t even want to talk with you…and the most appealing thing I can imagine is NOT living with you anymore.
When I look back over the last XX years that we have been together, what I remember are all the times you have disappointed, hurt, offended, ignored, belittled, criticized, and used me…and I have waited for YEARS hoping that you would grow up out of this…but apparently, you are never going to recognize your need to grow up out of this mode…and I am realizing now that it makes no sense for me wait on you to “figure it out and get it right”. I am realizing that if you wanted to make the changes that would enable us to have a happy marriage, you would have done so a long time ago.
I realize now that you are such a self-centered person that you would be completely happy spending the rest of your life with me giving you sex when you want it, taking care of the kids for you, and all the other things that I do…while you give me virtually none of the things that are important or meaningful to me…and not only do you not give me these things…you do not even care enough to know what these things are that are important to me.
Bluntly, at this point, I don’t feel there is any value in me wasting any more of my life on you. But, because of the time that we have vested in each other, and for the sake of the children, I also feel that you should have one last chance to decide whether I am important to you or not…and whether or not you want to learn how to create a happy marriage with me…before I go file for divorce.
If you want turn things around with me and you…if you don’t want me to file for divorce…then go to www.TurnOnWife.com and get the program offered there…and study it, learn it, and implement it in a positive way for both of us to enjoy. Or, if you are not going to take me serious…just like you haven’t in the past…then that’s ok too…you will be right on par with your past behavior…and I will go file for divorce…and replace you with some other man who does want an enjoyable relationship with me.”
And then, here is the key: you must emotionally and physically withdraw from your husband…you must literally ENACT everything you just said…so that he can realize you are serious “this time”. It has to feel to him that you mean it this time…that this is for real…that you really are done with him…IF he doesn’t do something FAST. He has to realize that that this is NOT just another one of your “mad spells” that you will get over in a few days. You’ve got to put him in the frame of struggling to win you back. Only then will he be motivated to study, learn, and change his mode of operation relative to you.
Now, if your husband is like the typical husband, he will get very motivated to save his marriage with you once you tell him something like this. He is NOT going to like the idea of losing you to another man…he is not going to like the idea of losing his children…or putting them through a divorced situation…and so he will start proactively moving forward in making improvements and changes. In fact, you may have to guide him a bit as he will likely try to over-do it…and become unattractive in an entirely different way.
But if your husband does not respond with proactive effort for improvement, then you really should file for divorce because you really are wasting away your life with him. If your husband is not willing to make changes and improvements after you telling and enacting the above with him, then you can know for sure that he is NEVER going to be willing to make changes or improvements for you…you can know that he really does not care about your happiness or satisfaction in life…that he really is a totally self-centered pig…and you need to be somewhere else with someone else who DOES care about you.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro