As they grapple with and struggle with problems and issues in relation to their spouse, many people don’t realize what is often the REAL underlying reason for their spouse’s uncooperative, damaging attitude and behavior.
For example, there are some men and women who will not admit they are wrong. When a problem or a disagreement arises that involves these people…and their attitude or behavior needs to change so that peace and harmony can ensue, these people will resist the change and flip the matter around so that their spouse…or somebody else…is wrong and at fault…but NEVER them.
The problem with this is that it creates a lop-sided relationship…where one person is always right and the other is always wrong…where one person always wins…and in order to keep the peace, the other must “give in” and “lose”…even though they were not the one in the wrong. This quickly builds resentment and bitterness…which in time WILL destroy the marriage relationship.
As another example, there are some men and women who generally tend to avoid affection, intimacy, and sex. And, it’s maddening to their spouse because on rare occasions, these people will be affectionate, intimate, and sexual…and then they are right back to long periods of being non-affectionate, non-intimate, and non-sexual.
As before, this creates a lop-sided relationship…where one person is always in a position of having to initiate affection, intimacy, and sex…which causes them to feel belittled…and combined with the frequent rejection…causes them to feel unwanted and despised…quickly building the resentment and bitterness that will destroy the marriage relationship.
There are plenty of other examples of problems that could be described but let’s move to the question, “What’s the REAL underlying reason that a spouse denies or withholds or exhibits other such unappealing, unattractive, uncooperative attitudes and behaviors that are so damaging to a marriage?”
Well, there are multiple reasons but I want to bring out just one BIG ONE in this article: it’s because of low self-esteem.
It’s frequently the case that a person has such low self-esteem…they have such a weak, fragile ego…that they cannot admit when they are wrong…they are afraid to be affectionate, intimate, or sexual…plug in any number of other problems and issues…and deep-rooted insecurity may well be the REAL underlying reason behind it.
Let’s illustrate using sex…and it goes both ways…but let’s say the husband is always doing the initiating for closeness…and he is frequently rejected by his wife. In this scenario, many men will begin to THINK that there must be something wrong with them…they can’t understand why their wife won’t initiate sometimes…or why she won’t accept their overture…but whatever the reason is, it must be that they are somehow unattractive, inadequate, or insufficient…especially when they see her dress up for her work environment and act sexy around other men.
In other words, as these men reach out to their wife…and then get spurned by her…they go access their OWN insecurities and fears when in fact, the whole reason they got spurned to begin with was because of the insecurities and fears that their wife HOLDS within herself that blocked her from opening up and sharing closeness with her husband. (But, it’s safe to dress and act sexy in a public setting because presumably it’s safe there and her underlying insecurities won’t be revealed or exposed like they would be in an intimate setting.)
So, if he wishes to have an affectionate, intimate, and sexual relationship with his wife, a man in this kind of situation must conquer his own fears, insecurities, and self-doubts FIRST so that he can begin to help his wife build up her self-esteem and overcome her fears, insecurities, and self-doubts.
Only THEN, can the two of them move away from a “lop-sided”, one-way marriage and into a bi-directional relationship that works for BOTH of them.
So, as you consider your own marriage relationship, realize that a low self-esteem person will exhibit hurtful attitudes and behaviors to those around them…not because they are trying to hurt them…but to keep from being hurt themselves. They’d rather hurt others than face up to their fears, insecurities, and self-doubts. They’d rather hurt others so they can avoid seeing their own faults, failures, inabilities, or limitations.
And by understanding what’s really going on, you can begin to handle your marriage relationship problems and issues in a more useful, productive way.
One more thing…you can also begin to notice how low self-esteem, fear, insecurity, and self-doubt cause YOU to behave and operate in unappealing, unattractive kinds of ways that are hurtful and damaging to YOUR spouse…and make the appropriate changes in yourself.
Copyright 2010 by Calle Zorro