Occasionally, I get a call or email from a husband who wants to know if he should tell his wife to find herself a lover. The call or email usually goes something like this:
My wife is in her early 50’s. I am in my early 60’s and I am not able to satisfy her needs. I want my wife to be satisfied sexually. And, the only solution I can see is to tell her to have sex with other men. So, should I tell my wife to find herself a lover? What do you think?
Or sometimes, the husband has been telling his wife to find herself a lover for a while…and then she suddenly decides to take him up on his offer. Those calls or emails usually sound like this:
I am 12 years older than my wife and I just don’t have the same sex drive or focus on sex that she has. For some time, I have been telling my wife to find herself a lover / boyfriend on the side who can satisfy that need. She says she is ready to go do that now. What is your advice for me?
Well, here is the short, blunt answer…
Do NOT tell your wife to find herself a lover…do NOT tell your wife to go be sexual with another man. If you have already told your wife to go be sexual with another man, then retract and recant on that immediately…lest you find yourself in the situation where your wife no longer needs or wants you to be her husband…and she discards you in favor of the other man.
Now, let’s go deeper…
The first thing you must do is STOP thinking that your wife thinks like you think…because she does NOT think in the same way that you think as a male.
In your mind, if you were strong and virile…while your wife was somehow incapacitated such that she could not have sex with you…then you would probably find it quite exciting and erotic for your wife to tell you to go have sex with other women.
But, if your wife is anywhere within the bell-curve of normal, that is NOT how she thinks. That is, if you are incapacitated, your wife is NOT thinking that she wants you to send her off to other men. Instead, she is thinking that she wants you to be and do the best that you can be/do within the constraints and restrictions that you have and she will be happy with that.
I will nail-down the preceding point with this: if your incapacity was really a deal-breaking issue with your wife…or IF she was really wanting to be with another man…then she would most likely just divorce you and move on to a new life with some other man.
Bluntly, no normal woman is thinking in terms of wanting to carry on two different kinds of relationships with two different kinds of men. She. Just. Is. Not.
So, here is what this all sums up to: IF you allow or arrange for your wife to be with other men, then you can expect that sooner or later, she will no longer need you or want to be with you.
Over and over I have encountered men who foolishly thought that because they were so financially successful, it would be okay if their wife had a lover on the side. They believed their wife would remain married to them because they believed she would choose them and their money over over her less successful lover. They believed this so much so that they were in complete shock when their wife left them and their money and ran off with her lover.
Why did these wives leave their rich husband for their less-rich lover? Because a woman is ALWAYS going to move towards the man with whom she has the deepest connection…and away from the man with whom she has the least connection…and money has never created a deep connection between a man and a woman!
Now, what else should a man do if he is in the position where his sexual performance ability is limited?
Well, the solution is two-fold…
First, he should take the lead in maximizing emotional love and warm non-sexual intimacy…so that the frequency of sexual intercourse is a non-issue.
If you know anything at all about how a woman thinks, then you know that for her, the primary value of sexual intercourse is the connection it creates between herself and her man.
And obviously, sexual intercourse is NOT the only way a connection can be created between a husband and a wife.
I’ll recast the preceding point this way: a woman’s capacity for sex is very much like her vagina…it can close down to nothing…or it can open up to the size of a baby’s head.
So, as long as a man is satisfying his wife’s mental and emotional needs, she can EASILY accommodate his limitations on the physical intercourse side of things and be completely happy.
Now, this is not to suggest that sexual release is unimportant because we know it is. From time to time, a healthy woman needs the energetic release that comes with orgasm…because orgasm is a key part of staying healthy.
But, there are many ways by which a woman can be brought to orgasm that do not require an erect penis.
That takes us to the second part of the solution…
Get creative and find solutions WITH your wife that are satisfying for both you and her.
For some women, oral sex (cunnilingus) is a perfectly acceptable way to bring them to orgasm…and in fact, it is their preferred way to orgasm. For these women, there is just something about a tongue working and pleasuring their vagina that is nothing short of divine…and as long as your tongue is available to them, your penis and its capacity to perform…or not…is just not that big of a deal to them at all.
For other women, a man’s fingers are by far the BEST path to orgasm…because fingers have flexibility…and abilities…that a mouth or a penis can never have. That is, fingers can be rigid and stiff…or they can be soft and flexible…they can bend to touch that perfect spot just right…the number of fingers involved can vary…the amount of pressure can be much more precise…and so on.
For still other women, sex-toys are the easiest and most enjoyable means of attaining orgasm. Interestingly, if you look at the favorite “toy” that the women who fit within this category prefer, you will often see that they have little resemblance to a penis. For most, they prefer either a large massage wand…or a tiny “pocket rocket” style massager. Of course, there are some who prefer a “toy” that is more penis like…and that’s fine because there are plenty of options to choose from.
The point is, a husband’s penis is NOT the only option for bringing a woman to sexual climax.
In fact, you should know that there are plenty of wives who are RELIEVED when their husband’s penis stops working…because it means they no longer have to struggle to reach orgasm via their husband’s penis…but can now instead take the easier, more enjoyable path of attaining orgasm through these other options.
Many men place so much stock on being able to satisfy their wife with just their penis…because that is what makes them feel like a “stud”…that they do not realize how much negative pressure they put on their wife and how much they hinder her ability to enjoy sex…or to even reach orgasm.
This is why so many women end up faking orgasm…so their husband can get the feeling that he is a “stud”…and they can get the whole unpleasant ordeal over with.
That brings us to this: IF you are a man whose penis no longer works like it did when you were 21, you may be quite surprised to find that your sex life actually becomes better than ever before…because it forces you to open up to…and to accept…alternative forms of sex-play, sexual-pleasure, and satisfaction with your wife.
The fact that your “tool” no longer works like it used to means that you must now become more flexible and less rigid…it means you must become more open and less closed…which means that as far as your wife is concerned, you become a much more enjoyable partner and lover.
In other words, as long as your “tool” worked the way it did when you were 21, you had a pretty narrow set of definitions, meanings, and perspectives around the topic of sex…most of which were about you protecting and boosting your ego.
But, now that your “tool” no longer works like it did when you were 21…and your silly ego that has been in the way for all these years has been popped like a balloon…NOW you are FREE to be a much more loving, caring, compassionate, and FUN man who enjoys life with his wife.
So, one more time…
Just because you are having sexual performance problems…that is no reason to be foolish and tell your wife to find herself a lover.
On the other hand, IF you have been telling your wife to find herself a lover…but she has not acted upon your recommendation…then STOP telling her this immediately!
Or, IF you have told your wife to find herself a lover…and she is talking about doing it…then immediately tell her that in spite of what you have been saying, you love her and care about her too much to be willing to let her go be with another man and that instead, the two of you are going to work out an alternative solution…and then go to work applying the advice I have given you in this article.
Related article: I Want My Wife To Have Sex With Another Man
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro