I am about to tell you the story of a friend of mine who was a sexually frustrated husband. This is a story of a husband who thought he was at the end of the line with his wife. This is a story of a husband who thought he had done everything he could to get his wife to be more affectionate, intimate, and sexual. And nothing was working for him relative to his wife. But today, this husband is no longer a sexually frustrated husband. Instead, he is a very happy husband. Read on…
My friend was seriously unhappy. He was seriously unhappy because of how sexually frustrated he was.
He never said anything about his unhappiness. He never complained. He never talked about how sexually frustrated he was. But, I could see the hurt, resentment, and anger that seethed and stewed inside of him. It was all there below the surface.
Try though he might, he couldn’t hide the unhappy story that was etched into his face and eyes…the story of “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do in my marriage for my wife but what I want isn’t coming back to me. I do and I give and I get to be a sexually frustrated husband for my efforts.”
Because I cared about my friend, I asked him to take a ride with me. As I pointed my car down a scenic highway, we just rode in silence…my friend wrapped up in the turmoil of his thoughts. After several miles, with tears in his eyes, he finally broke and unloaded on me. Here is what he said…
My problem is that my wife is never in the mood. It’s been years since she initiated sex. And, when I finally get past all of her “sexual avoidance tactics”, she just lays there like a lump of coal, no emotion, no kissing, and no movement of any kind. I feel like I am raping her. At that point, I am so furious and frustrated that I would rather just stop and finish myself off. But, the feelings of humiliation from that are even worse.
And, I don’t get it. On my end, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. I’m a good provider for her and our children. I take time to talk with her and I listen to what she has to say – we even have dinner together almost every day. We have a nice home, she drives a nice car – you would think I would get something coming back to me, wouldn’t you?
And yes, she takes good care of our kids – and that’s the problem, she takes good care of everything and everyone except me.
I tell you, after years of her lack of interest in sex, I’m to the point that I feel nothing but hatred towards her. I’m fed up with being sexually needy. I’m sick and tired of getting the “cold-shoulder”. I’m through with being made to feel like I’m some kind of pervert just because I have sexual needs.
I used to love her with everything that’s in me – and maybe there’s still a little love buried down deep somewhere – but right now the flame is gone and all that’s left is bitter resentment.
And you know what’s most frustrating of all? I know it used to be in her. When we were first married, she was great. Now it’s like her sexual interest is completely gone – died out – and it’s killing me too.
As you can tell from his words, my friend fully believed that he was meeting the needs of his wife…but his wife was not meeting his needs in return. He fully believed that what he was doing should be enough to trigger a sexual response in his wife towards him…but it wasn’t.
As you know, unhappiness is exactly equal to expectations unfulfilled. Hence, my friends unhappiness…he was a sexually frustrated husband who was not getting his expectations met.
But now, let me tell you what was really going on…and check to see if there is something for you to learn here…
My friend was not meeting the most important needs of his wife! And because of this, he had mentally and physically turned off her sexual faucet and he didn’t even realize it.
Yes, it was true that he was meeting some of her basic financial and security needs. He was even giving her time and being helpful around the house and with the kids. But that is not at all the same thing as meeting her needs in a way fires up her sexual engine. It is not the same thing at all.
That is so important that I will say it again in different words: It doesn’t matter if you are meeting your lady’s surface-level needs if her deep-level needs are unmet.
And that was exactly the case with my friend and his wife. He wasn’t meeting her deep-level needs…which over the course of time had turned her off…such that she was no longer interested in meeting his deep-level needs. That is, she was no longer interested in being very affectionate, intimate, sexual, or passionate with him.
As we continued down the road, I told my friend about my “Married and Happy” formula that I developed for husbands who want to open back up their wife’s sexual faucet.
I will now share with you a tiny sample of what I shared with him…
You know that females crave romance. Now let me ask you, what is romance?
I am serious. What is your answer? How would you define and describe romance?
Well, if your answer is anything like most men’s, the most tangible part of your answer probably had something to do with “flowers and dinner”.
But the truth is, you already know that is not right…because if you have been with your lady any time at all, you have bought her flowers…you have taken her to dinner…and then you went home to interactions with her that were far more platonic…or even conflict-laden…than romantic, right?
So obviously, romance isn’t about flowers and dinner.
Here is how I explained what romance is to my friend…
For a woman, romance is a special kind of man making her feel like a special kind of woman. For a woman, romance is a man with a certain kind of presence creating certain kinds of feelings within her. For a woman, romance is being with a particular kind of man who possesses the relationship skills to stimulate her emotions and cause her to feel alive.
Now, let’s consider this…
How is it that your wife felt like you were romantic prior to marriage…but now that you have been married a few years, she decidedly judges you as not-romantic?
Well, for a single woman, being made to feel like of all the available women, she is the only one you are interested in, is a very romantic notion. So, when you asked your future wife out on dates prior to marrying her, it made her feel special because you were choosing her above all the other females around.
But, now that you have chosen your wife…well now, because she married you, she just feels like you are supposed to choose her above all other females…and there is NO romance in that.
Now, pay attention and notice what happened to YOU before and after marriage…
On your end, all you did was ask your wife-to-be out on a date…and SHE ascribed romance to your relationship with her…so much so that SHE decided you were romantic enough for her to marry you.
And, on your end, all you did was ask your wife to marry you…and then SHE stripped most of the romance OUT of your relationship with her…so much so that SHE decided that you were no longer romantic enough for her to be more than minimally affectionate, intimate, and sexual with you.
Notice that little to nothing changed within yourself. Notice that you were basically the same guy after marriage that you were before marriage. And yet, your before marriage and after marriage results were dramatically different.
Is it starting to register with you why so many husbands are sexually frustrated?
The fact is, the typical husband is so relationally-undeveloped, that he is ENTIRELY dependent upon his wife to create a marriage dynamic that is affectionate, intimate, and sexual for the both of them.
Now, think about what this means for YOU…
IF your wife happens to feel the WHIM of being affectionate, intimate, and sexual towards you…then in that case, LUCKY you.
But, what if your wife happens to feel the WHIM of being not-affectionate, not-intimate, and not-sexual?
Well in that case, it is UNLUCKY you, right?
And, the typical woman being wired the way she is, she is going to feel the WHIM of being not-affectionate, not-intimate, and not-sexual TOWARDS her husband MOST of the time.
So, I ask you again…is it starting to register with you why so many husbands are sexually frustrated?
Here is what you better understand…
A relationally-undeveloped husband…a husband who has not developed his male/female relationship skills…and who has not developed within himself that kind of presence that creates turn-on within his wife towards him…will continue to be a sexually frustrated husband…because his sex-life will be at the mercy of his wife’s feelings and whims.
Now, pay attention…
A woman’s need for romance does not end when she gets married. But, what does end when she gets married is her ability to self-create the feelings of romance within herself relative to her husband. What does end when she gets married is her ability to self-ascribe romance to what her husband does with her.
When she was single, she could self-create the feelings of romance…within herself…all by herself…in response to just about anything her guy was doing…no matter how mundane or inane it was.
When she was single, it did not matter how relationally-undeveloped her guy was…because she could self-ascribe enough romance to the relationship for the both of them.
But, after she gets married, the typical woman’s mindset undergoes a major shift…so much so that the only way she can experience romance is for her husband to be a relationally-developed man with the kind of presence that HE invokes the feelings of romance within her towards him…feelings that are invoked because of his type of presence and his relationship skills.
So, on one hand, the husband goes into marriage…and coasts along as a relationally-undeveloped guy…thinking that what he was before he married his wife should be plenty good enough for her after he married her…thinking that he should get results after marriage that are just as good as the results he got before marriage.
And, on the other hand, the wife goes into marriage…and she soon enough places the entirety of the burden of creating romance and turn-on onto her husband’s shoulders…without ever telling him that she is doing this.
Well at first, the husband doesn’t know that he is now supposed to be the one who creates the feelings of romance within his wife. After all, he never had to do that before marriage…so it doesn’t register with him that he is supposed to do it after marriage.
But eventually, his sex-life becomes so bad…that is, he becomes so sexually frustrated…that he begins progressively realizing he must bring the romance to his marriage if he wants a marriage relationship with his wife that he can enjoy.
Unfortunately, he is still a relationally-undeveloped guy…who does not know how to create the feelings of romance and turn-on within his wife.
And so, the husband and wife stay stuck in an unhappy, dissatisfying loop…one where the wife needs her husband to be a certain kind of man who has developed himself such that he can proactively create the feelings of romance within her…and one where the husband doesn’t know how to do that.
And, because the husband doesn’t know how to do that, he goes back to what he did before he married his wife…taking her out on dates…buying her flowers and a dinner…but again, it doesn’t work because his wife does not do the same thing in her mind and feelings that she did before the two of them were married.
Consequently, he remains stuck in a relationship that he knows could be so great…IF his wife would just be more amorous towards him…IF his wife would just be more affectionate, intimate, and sexual towards him…IF his wife would just respond positively to the things he does for her and for their family…but she doesn’t…and so, he remains a sexually frustrated husband.
You can see why that is now, can’t you?
Anyway, as I continued explaining my “Married And Happy” formula, my friend became more and more excited. His eyes began to literally glow. As I continued explaining, he soon enough understood why the sex had died off in his marriage. More importantly, he started understanding how to go back home and create a marriage of love, affection, intimacy, sex, and passion with his wife.
After our little road-trip, it was a few months before I saw my friend again. But when I did see him, he positively glowed. He literally looked like a new man. Clearly, something was very different for him. As soon as we had a private moment, I asked him how things were going.
Here is what he told me…
My wife is initiating sex all the time now. I am actually starting to worry about whether I’ll be able to keep up with her now. Thanks for sharing your “Married And Happy” formula with me. It has made all the difference in my marriage, my life, and in my home.
Now, as it pertains to you, here is what everything I have said above boils down to…
There is no need for you to be a sexually frustrated husband any longer than you have already been. All you have to do is develop yourself into the kind of man who possesses the right kind of presence and the right kind of female handling and interacting skills and you too will get to enjoy a satisfying marriage relationship with your wife.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro