The #1 mistake that the typical husband makes in his marriage is that he waits until there are major marriage relationship problems between he and his wife…and disaster is pending…before he becomes willing or interested in improving himself as a husband.
Stated differently, even when there are significant marriage relationship problems, the typical husband will wait until his wife is threatening to kick him out of the house…
Or she is talking about leaving him…
Or she has started an emotional or physical affair with some other man…
Before he FINALLY gets “motivated”…or even acknowledges the need…to start developing himself into a better husband for his wife…before he finally get “motivated” to develop himself into an attractively-operating man who can successfully create, lead, and manage a happy, satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship with his wife.
Interestingly, until his wife is on the verge of leaving him, the typical husband…in all of his relationship ineptness, incompetence, and ignorance…thinks and acts as if he is his wife’s “dream husband” and there is nothing on his part that he needs to improve, fix, or change.
Unfortunately, by the time a wife is talking about or preparing to leave…and her husband is “suddenly” HIGHLY MOTIVATED to “work on the marriage”…well, at that point, the wife is no longer interested in “working on the marriage” with her husband.
“Working on the marriage” is what she has been doing for YEARS…usually DECADES.
For all of this time, she has been trying to get her husband her work with her to fix their marriage relationship problems.
For all this time, she has been doing everything within her power and capacity to try to get her husband to work with her to make the marriage happier, more fulfilling, and more satisfying.
For all of this time, she has tried in every way imaginable to tell her husband that she is not happy or satisfied in their marriage…all while her husband typically has had ZERO interest in listening to her…or putting forth any effort to make any changes.
The fact is, the husband didn’t care. His wife was giving him sex…she was there for him when he wanted her…so he didn’t really care if she was happy or not.
In his mind, if his wife wasn’t happy, then that was HER problem that SHE needed to fix.
In his mind, his was just being a ridiculous “emotional woman”…and that wasn’t his “problem”.
In his mind, all of their marriage relationship problems were his wife’s fault.
But, it is absolutely amazing how this same uncaring husband SUDDENLY starts caring about his wife’s happiness and well-being AFTER she has made up her mind that she no longer wants to be with him.
So now, let’s bring this down to YOU…
Husband, before your marriage relationship can ever be successful…
Before your marriage relationship can ever be enjoyable on the level that YOU want it to be…
YOU must be relationally-savvy…
YOU must know how to successfully relate to and interact with your wife…
YOU must understand your wife and what she wants and needs…
YOU must know how to keep your wife happy and attracted to you…
YOU must understand how to keep your wife turned on, warmed-up, engaged, and connected with you…
YOU must have the ability to keep your wife open and receptive towards you…
YOU must know how to keep your wife committed and loyal to you.
And, if you do not know these things…if you have not developed the ability and capacity within yourself to do these things…then YOUR marriage WILL manifest marriage relationship problems. More specifically, YOUR marriage relationship WILL be disappointing, dissatisfying, frustrating, and unfulfilling…if not down-right hurtful and destructive.
Sadly, there are so few truly happy marriages…because there are so few relationally developed and savvy husbands.
Here is what you must understand: with each passing day, valuable time is being wasted. Every day you procrastinate on developing yourself into a relationally-savvy husband, the worse your marriage will become…the more your wife will decide she does not want to be with you anymore…the longer it will take to get past your marriage relationship problems…and the harder it will be to repair your marriage relationship…IF it can even be repaired at all by the time you get around to “wanting” to repair it.
Life is about choices and consequences.
Wait long enough and you WILL lose your wife.
But, everyone is free to choose…and there are some guys whose preferred choice seems to be procrastinating for so long that they end up losing their wife.
I personally cannot imagine selecting that choice…I personally cannot imagine being more concerned about the few dollars that a husband-development program costs than I am my marriage. But apparently, for some guys, they would rather lose their wife than spend a few dollars on a program that can help them become relationally-savvy and operationally-attractive to their wife.
Worded differently, these are the guys who CHOOSE to pay THOUSANDS of dollars…usually a minimum of $5,000…and frequently far more than that…not to mention the loss of children…and the loss of assets…for a divorce they are FORCED into by their wife…because they did not have enough “manly force” within themselves to step up and pay a few hundred dollars for a program that would not only help them save their marriage…but could in fact help them create an AWESOME marriage that they could enjoy for the rest of their life.
But again, everyone is free to make their choices…and each person will infallibly, inescapably reap the consequences of their choices.
So, will you wait until YOUR marriage is falling apart before you become willing to do something about the marriage relationship problems that exist between you and your wife?
Or, will you be one of the few smart guys who recognizes the importance and value of your wife…and your marriage with her…and DECIDE to become a relationally developed and savvy husband who enjoys the AWESOME BENEFITS of a wife who is deeply in love with you and who is highly turned on towards you?
It is your choice.
And, the consequences…good or bad…will also be yours.
May I suggest that you select the choice that produces good consequences…choose today to become a relationally-developed-and-savvy husband!
My I suggest that you do something NOW about your marriage relationship problems before things get worse.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro
Husband, This Is THE Solution If You Want An Affectionate, Sexual Marriage Relationship With Your Wife. Click here.
I understand what is being said in this article and agree…
However, this is aimed at the mistakes of the husband (the man)… I know a great many cases when the wife (the woman) is the one who lacks while the man has been trying to make things better and make things work and hold it all together, including trying to be affectionate and loving and attentive… and trying to discuss the problems with her… only to fall on deaf ears…
Am I offended? No certainly not… My point is, that such things should not be aimed at men/husbands only, but to both partners…
[Philippe]: “Sounds like this was written by a woman. Advice about men from women just doesn’t seem logical. You can be the husband that she needs you to be. But that doesn’t mean everything will be good. There are women who act and talk like they don’t need a man. Yet they rely on a man so much. Just my $.02. There is no one right solution that’s universal or works for everything.”
[CalleZorro]: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. This may disappoint you but I AM a man…and I am speaking from the perspective that comes with 20+ years of having helped men from all over the world learn how to create a happy, intimate marriage relationship.
Yes, there are the extremely RARE cases…maybe 1 in 10,000…where a husband is everything he should be…and his wife has such psychological problems…that she will STILL leave him.
At the same time, there are the extremely COMMON cases where a husband is NOT everything he should be…or could be…and his wife gives…and tries…and asks…until she finally realizes that her only hope for an enjoyable relationship is to leave her husband and find another man.
Also, related to the point of discussion here; being an attractive, appealing, desirable, sexy husband is NOT a one-dimensional thing…and this is why there are so many husbands who “think” they are being a good husband…AND THEY ARE being a good husband…ON ONE DIMENSION…but they are completely failing on other dimensions that are important to and meaningful to their wife.
In fact, for the typical husband, he is not even aware of the other dimensions that his wife needs him to satisfy before she can be the kind of wife for him that he wants to her to be.
The typical husband has one dimension that he is naturally good at…and he does indeed satisfy his wife’s needs in this one dimension that comes naturally to him…and he is totally unaware of his total failure in other dimensions that he is not aware of.
For example, a husband may naturally be a considerate husband…which is an elementary fundamental that is important to every wife…and yet, this same husband is probably unaware of other dimensions (both elementary and advanced) that are important to his wife…and that must be satisfied by him…or else she will soon enough lose all of her attraction for him.
As another example, a husband may naturally be a strong, masculine man…which is another elementary fundamental that is important to every wife…and yet, this same husband is probably unaware that there are other dimensions that he must satisfy for his wife if he wants to keep her attracted to him on a long-term basis.
This is precisely why there are so many husbands complaining about their not-very-sexual marriage. They are doing a great job on ONE dimension…and failing on other important and necessary dimensions that they are unaware of.
If you ask any of these husbands, they can tell you in depth all about what they are doing for their wife…ON THE ONE DIMENSION THAT COMES NATURAL TO THEM…and NOTHING about the other dimensions that they are unaware of that are important to their wife.
Ironically, the typical wife has told her husband over and over and over about needing him to satisfy these other dimensions…but because she told him in woman-speak, it just does not register with the husband what she is saying…and he continues on ignorantly and unaware in the same-old, same-old relationship pattern that he has always been in…UNTIL his wife just gives up on him and decides she has to leave him.
It is important to understand that no matter how sexual a wife may have been at the start of a marriage, when her husband fails to satisfy ALL of the dimensions, she becomes unable to CONTINUE being sexual with him…she becomes unable to continue submitting herself sexually to him…and so, as soon as a “justifiable” excuse comes along…usually children coming along…or the death of a family member…or some other emotionally-charged “event”, the sex dramatically slows down.
And, the typical husband thought it was the kids…or the death…or whatever the “event” was that triggered the change…and it never occurred to him that the REAL problem is simply the fact that his wife is so not-attracted to him anymore…because of his failure to satisfy all of the dimensions that she needs satisfied in order to be “turned-on” towards him…that she can no longer surrender or submit herself to him sexually.
And finally, for sure, every person and every relationship is unique and different. But at the same time, the principles of marriage success are constant and unchanging. And, the “bridge” between differences in people and unchanging principles is a matter of application.
[Gary]: “More man bashing from some chick who doesn’t know what a good man is. Sorry you keep picking losers, but this is a horrible article. It assumes that the woman has no issues and are holding the relationship together. News flash – relationships take TWO!”
[CalleZorro]: Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts. Just so you know, I am not a “chick”. I am a man who helps men create a happy, affectionate, intimate, warm, satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship.
There has been a long, long line of men proclaim the very same “news flash” that you have just proclaimed…that a good relationship takes two people working together…and while there is an element of truth to this, it is DEFINITELY NOT the whole story. As a result, these men are mostly just proclaiming their ignorance about how successful male/female relationships really work.
I will illustrate in order to clarify my point…
A scenario I frequently encounter is where a man’s wife has divorced him…after years…often after decades…of being a not-very-sexual wife…and then, after she is gone, he finds out that she is being the equivalent of a porn starlet with her next husband…and he simply cannot get his mind around that…he cannot fathom how after all the years of him doing everything he could to get her to be a sexual wife to him…and she would not…but then, she marries some new man…and suddenly she’s a highly-sexual nymphomaniac.
So, now I ask you: did this woman suddenly decide to “start working on being a sexual wife”? Did this woman suddenly decide to start being a part of the successful-relationship equation…whereas before she refused to be a part of it?
The answer is emphatically, “No!”
The fact is, this woman has not changed at all…
She is the same woman she has always been…
And, she still wants the same thing she has always wanted…
…a man that she can respect, appreciate, admire, and feel attraction for…who knows how to take her into a happy, loving, affectionate, intimate, and yes, highly sexual relationship…where the two of them can enjoy life together for the rest of their lives.
So, what’s the difference?
THE DIFFERENCE IS THE MAN!
This is a fundamental truth that the typical husband apparently does not understand. In all male/female relationships, the male is the establisher / initiator and the female is the reactor…the male sets the frame and the female aligns with his frame…the male is the leader and the female is the follower…the male sets the stage and the female dances on his stage…however you want to phrase this, females are hard-wired in such a way that they align with and harmonize with the pattern-of-life that the man establishes / creates.
(When I say this, in NO WAY am I insinuating that females are lesser creatures compared to males because that is not the case at all. There are ways that males are superior to females…and ways that females are superior to males…and both males and females are “completed” in each other…which is exactly how God designed it to be. So, what I am talking about has nothing to do with value levels or importance levels. What I am talking about is simply the domain of male/female relationships and how they work.)
Now, as one example, there are plenty of cases where it appears that the woman is the one who “wears the pants” in a relationship…but this too is simply a case where the woman is “fitting into” the frame established by a not-very-masculine man…because if this same woman was to move into a relationship with a far more masculine man, then she would immediately shift into a far more feminine persona.
If we consider male/female relationships from a physical analogy perspective, the woman in a relationship is very much like a vagina…she is flexible and adaptable…she is expandable and shrinkable…she “moves” and “conforms” to comfortably “fit” the shape and position of the penis penetrating her…and in the same way, a woman flexes, adapts, expands or shrinks, moves, conforms, and so on in order to “fit” the “mode of operation” that the man in her life exhibits.
If you think it through…and observe enough…you can see plainly that even the most man-hating woman IS reacting to and responding to men.
So yes, it does take two…but more accurately…and what is important for men to really understand…because it is an important key to success…is that it takes a man living, being, exhibiting, and modeling an attractive “mode of operation”…so that his wife can have an attracted, turned-on response to him…that continues over the long term…that grows richer and sweeter with each passing year.
This is why a wife is non-sexual with her first husband for decades…and then turns around and is a porn-starlet-equivalent with her second husband…because the second husband had a mode of operation that allowed and enabled the woman to open up and share her inner nymphomaniac…whereas the first husband did not.
There is another way I can say this: you will NEVER find a great, awesome, wonderful, or happy marriage when the husband is an undeveloped guy who does not know how to keep his wife turned-on and attracted to him. No matter how great the wife is…no matter how high-quality and high-caliber she is…if her husband is relationally-not-savvy, then she IS (or soon will be) an unhappy woman in an unhappy marriage.
A great marriage can ONLY happen AFTER a husband becomes relationally-savvy such that he knows how to attract and turn-on his wife over the long-term. A great marriage can ONLY happen AFTER a husband develops an attractive mode of operation that his wife can have positive, turned-on responses to.
Like it or not…this IS how it is.
Of course, as you might imagine, I hear a LOT of guys complain and whine about this…about how “it’s not fair because they have to do everything”…but here is what I tell them: “Fellow, you are fortunate because you are in the driver’s seat. You are the one behind the steering-wheel and you can at any time begin to drive yourself into a happy, sexual marriage…and you should be SO GRATEFUL that you are not a wife waiting around for decades for her husband to finally become willing to develop himself into an attractively-operating man so that you can have a positive response to him!”
My personal experience has been somewhat different. I’ll relay what my wife has told me, rather than an interpretation of it. After years together my wife told me that she was through with me after a few months of marriage and that she had kept working to give me an opportunity to fix everything. She has told me that as she sees it, she is working on our marriage simply by staying and not walking away. If I ask her what is wrong, which I have done frequently even before marriage, the answer is nearly always, “If you loved me you would know what’s wrong.” Men are not mind readers and they are not exclusively responsible for the relationship. If a man doesn’t love you, he isn’t going to ask what’s wrong. Men are generally willing to work on problems, but don’t know what they are because women keep us guessing at them. Guessing is great for games; NOT relationships. If you want a man to fulfill needs, he needs to know what they are, and you need to know what his are. If you think it’s all him – you’re not working on a relationship. Relationships go two ways. I’ve known guys who think they’re perfect. They usually don’t have anyone in their lives in the first place. Generally men want to rise to the occasion and impress you. If you keep your needs secret, he doesn’t have that option. He wants to please you – needs your respect – and can’t get either if you shut him out.
[Robert]: WAYYYY TO MANY WORDS!
[CalleZorro]: Hi Robert. There are many men who “know” in their heart-of-hearts that there are issues (whether verbalized or not) between them and their wife…and my words are for those men.
On your part, if your relationship with your lady is everything you want it to be…and you are 100% convinced that your lady is so deeply in love with you…and she is so happy and satisfied with you that she will never, ever leave you, then I agree…too many words…this wasn’t for you…and what are you even doing here in the first place?
Or, is your response indicative of the all-too-common attitude in many men…that anything that has to do with marriage relationship improvement better be short, fast, and free (or at least under $10)?
A response of “way too many words” echoes the attitude of the typical husband when it comes to the subject of becoming an attractively-operating husband…in short, he simply does not want to be BOTHERED by his wife (or anyone else) nagging about “improving” his marriage relationship.
He doesn’t want to hear about it…and he for sure does not want to do anything about it.
The odd things is…he can turn on the TV or the radio…tune in to a ball-game…and listen to an endless barrage of words for hours.
But, let his wife even try to broach the subject that she’s not happy with him…and she wants to be happy with him…and she just needs him to make some changes…and he will grumpily cut her off and criticize her for “wearing him out” with all her talk.
So, what we have here are too many husbands who are UNWILLING to:
* Talk about relationship improvement with their wife…let alone actually do anything substantial to improve it.
* Spend any meaningful time keeping their relationship with their wife alive, fresh, and connected…but they will spend all kinds of time on personal entertainment and recreation.
* Spend any real money on improving their ability to be a higher-quality, higher-caliber husband who can create a more-enjoyable relationship with their wife…but again, they will spend…and waste…big money on their personal entertainment and recreation.
In short, the expressed attitude of too many men is that anything that has to do with relationship-improvement is “too expensive”: it costs too much time…it costs too much effort…it costs too much money…and so they just cannot be bothered with relationship-improvement.
Of course, with so many husbands having attitudes like these…with so many husbands placing such LOW VALUE upon their marriage and their wife…is it any surprise that so many women divorce their husbands…or, if circumstances make divorce unworkable, that they go have affairs with other men?
Thanks for sharing your experience Jarod.
I completely agree with you…I also believe that the typical husband really does want to please his wife…he really does want to be happy with her…and he really does want her to be happy with him. But bizarrely, as much as he wants this, he is still not-very-open to developing himself on purpose into the kind of husband who CAN create and enjoy this kind of relationship with his wife.
Regrettably, the typical wife further demotivates her husband from improving…with her negative, complaining, critical way of asking for improvements.
And yes, the response your wife gave you is a very frustrating and maddening response that women give to men…but it is really a cover up for the fact that they don’t really know how to articulate what is wrong. For a woman, she either “feels it” with a guy…or she doesn’t…and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t necessarily know “why” or “how come”…she just knows that she doesn’t “feel it” with him.
In other words, when it comes to relationships, women are not logical and analytical…whereas men ARE logical and analytical when it comes to relationships.
So, when a woman is complaining about the marriage, she will say abstract, ethereal things like:
* You don’t communicate with me.
* We don’t have a connection.
* There is no chemistry between us anymore.
And of course, the guy being relationally-unsavvy, will argue back with something like (using the first example): What do you mean we don’t communicate? I just spent an hour last night telling about X, Y, and Z…and asking you about A, B, and C! Is that not communication?”
To which the wife responds: Well yes…that is talking…but we don’t “communicate”…and that’s what I need…and if you would just learn to “communicate” with me…then I could be more sexual with you…and blah, blah, blah.”
And, when it all over with, the husband doesn’t know anymore about what his wife is wanting…or how to communicate with her…than he did before.
But, there is an even more ominous point here…
As his wife is raising her hand…and asking in her not-very-inspiring, definitely-a-turn-off way for relationship improvements, the typical husband will in response ask questions such as:
* What is that you want? Just tell me what you want and I will do it so we can just stop this fighting and arguing.
* How do you want me to communicate with you?
* How am I supposed to create chemistry with you?
And, when a husband asks these type of questions, all he does is “communicate” to his wife that he is not the man who knows how to take her into the happy, loving, affectionate, intimate, and sexual kind of relationship that she wants to have with a man…and so she therefore needs to be with a different man.
Of course, the typical woman doesn’t act out this thought the first time…or even the hundredth time…but eventually the thought pattern starts taking root…and starts becoming a more and more viable option to a woman.
This is why a key part of my program is teaching men what it is that women really want from a man…and how to understand how women think and represent things…such that by the time he is through with my program, he understands his wife better than she understands herself.
This article could not be any closer to what I am feeling right now in my own marriage. Spot. on.
It is so frustrating and so disappointing that I wasn’t worth his effort before I wanted out. Now he is really trying which is even more irritating. Where were you before? Where were you when I was playing with the kids and having fun without you because you chose your friends or you wanted alone time? I put my husband on a pedestal. I thought he was my soul mate on our wedding day. I held him in extremely high regard. I found him attractive and sexy and smart and everything I ever dreamed of. I would kiss him when he got home from work. I spoke highly of him to our friends and my co-workers. I stood next to him when we were out and was attentive to his needs. I never turned down sex.
I was a really great wife. Admittedly now, not so much. I am done. He knows I am done and we are just co-existing.
It’s really REALLY sad to me that I wasn’t worth all the effort he is willing to put in now, before. Because I was worth it, I AM worth it…but now, I just don’t care 🙁
Getting the sex the want is an interesting subtopic if you will. Of course we know that men want and need sex. The good news is that women to do, however, we desire emotional intensity with our sex. We can get in all the positions have a ball because we know how, but if you really want to reach us respond to us in emotions.