In many of my articles, I “bust” husbands for their lack of sexual maturity, their lack of development in male/female interaction, their lack of awareness — both of themselves and of their lady, and their lack of understanding of how to create and lead a happy, affectionate, satisfying, passionate, and sexual relationship with their wife.
The fact is, until a husband purposely develops himself so that he can create this kind of relationship with a woman, he will continue to suffer in misery and unhappiness in his marriage.
The fact is, as long as a husband wants or expects his wife to be the creator of HIS happy, fulfilling relationship…as long as a guy just wishes his wife would be more sexual with him so he could be happier…well, that is how long that husband will remain in an unhappy, unfulfilling, and not-very-sexual relationship with his wife.
But today, I am going to “bust” wives. So husband, get ready to feel a bit of satisfaction as I stand up for you.
Before I start, everything that follows is based upon the typical marriage scenario created by the typical husband and the typical wife. I understand that there are exceptions and inverses to every rule…I understand that there are extremes and fringes…but what I am talking about here is the mainstream marriage of the mainstream husband and wife.
With that, here are my responses to some of the common things that wives say about their husband and porn…
#1: “As a normal wife, I cannot compete with the sexed-up girls in porn. There is no way!”
“You can’t? Who said you can’t? What do girls in porn have that you don’t have? Take your clothes off and go stand in front of a mirror. You will find that you have exactly the same equipment as the girls in porn have. But having said that, your husband does not want you competing with the girls in porn. He wants you to enjoy sharing exactly what you have with HIM. He wants you to want him in the same way you did before the two of you got married — that’s ALL he wants.
And, if you go back to that point in time, he was VERY happy with you. Why was he happy with you? Was it because you were a porn starlet? No! It was because he could see the womanly passion and sexuality in you and THAT was a big part of what he wanted to enjoy WITH you for the rest of your lives.
The fact is, at any point, ANY woman is capable of using her mind in the same sex-positive, sex-enjoying way that ALL highly sexual women do who live a satisfying life. All a woman has to do is put away the negativity, pettiness, and resentment she is focusing upon in relation to her husband.
After all, your husband IS more or less the SAME man he was BEFORE you married him…and at that point, YOU thought he was fabulous and wonderful…or you wouldn’t have married him! So, get back to thinking the same way about your husband NOW as you did then and watch how the happiness in your marriage blossoms…both for YOU and your husband…and notice in particular how the porn thing becomes a complete non-issue.
#2: “Knowing that my husband watches porn leaves me feeling emotionally abandoned and sexually devalued.”
Ah, now YOU are feeling what your husband felt FIRST from YOU. All the times you withdrew, abandoned, and rejected him…even when you could see that he was doing everything he could FOR you…as you watched him wash dishes and take care of the kids and so on…all so that the two of you could be together as husband and wife…so that the two of you could come together as lovers…and no matter how much he did…no matter how much he tried…you STILL turned him down more often than not.
After all, BECAUSE OF HOW YOU WERE USING YOUR MIND, it wasn’t important to you at that time…and so consequently, it should not be important to him either…right?
Do you have any idea how emotionally abandoned and sexually devalued YOU have caused YOUR husband to feel all these years?
But, I guess in your mind, it’s ok if you caused him to feel this way…but it’s absolutely NOT ok for him to cause you to feel this way…right?
#3: “I am very distressed by my husband’s use of porn. His continued use of porn threatens the stability of our marriage.”
I do believe that you are “distressed” by your husband’s use of porn…but not because you are concerned about your marriage. If you really cared about your marriage, you would NOT be treating your husband the way you have for all these years.
If you really cared about your marriage, you would not be holding onto all the offenses, grudges, resentment, and anger that you feel towards your husband over mostly petty, insignificant little things.
If you really cared about your marriage, you would be giving a lot more respect and appreciation to your husband…he would be a lot more important to you…it would be way more important to you to give him the things you know he wants to share and enjoy with you.
The fact is, porn should be the LEAST of your marriage concerns because porn is merely a symptom of a much bigger and deeper problem. Hopefully, you will understand that by the time you finish this article.
Even though you won’t admit it, what you are really “distressed” about is that your control over your husband and the blessings, security, and stability he provides you are at risk.
As long as he weakly and slavishly follows your lead…as long as he “wants” you…as long as he gives you whatever you want…as long as he is doing without while giving to you…as long as you know he is on your “leash”…you do not feel “distress”.
And, you do not care one WHIT about all the “distress” you cause him to feel, do you? Your husband is a man who committed his life, resources, and dreams to YOU…the one woman in the entire world that he gave his all too…his ONE most valuable prize…and he willingly gave it all up for YOU…but what he has ended up with is anything but a prize…what he ended up with in exchange for giving you his all is LITTLE TO NONE of the intimacy he THOUGHT he was going to get to enjoy with you.
But, it’s all about you, isn’t it? In your mind, the sole purpose of a man is to give and do for you…to dance like a monkey…and work like a dog…trying to put a smile on your face and keep it there…right?
#4: “I discovered my husband has been secretly looking at porn for quite some time. Now, I’ve lost all trust in him. Now, I can’t respect him. Now, our marriage has been shattered. That’s why we are separating and why I am divorcing him.”
Yes, that is exactly what you should do…because after all, it is absolutely ok for a woman to disrespect and disregard her husband for years…to hold him in low esteem while SECRETLY DREAMING of a sexy man like the ones in her romance novels, soap operas and chick-flicks.
What about THAT secret life of yours?
Is your “secret” life any less wrong than your husband’s? I don’t think so.
If anything, I question whether your secret life is MORE wrong because yours is more of an emotional desire…while his is more of a physical desire. Yes, your husband may have sought sexual release with the aid of porn, but he feels nothing in his heart for any other woman except you. But I wonder, how embarrassed and ashamed would you be if your husband was suddenly able to see into the secrets of YOUR heart…and the ill feelings you have felt towards him and the “attracted” feelings you have felt towards other men?
In other words, your husband may have been brought by the circumstances of his marriage with you to the point that he sometimes expresses his physical desire in the realm of porn but he still FULLY loves you and remains loyal and devoted to his relationship with you. Otherwise, he would have already left you for another woman…one who was warmer, more sexually open, and who had more respect and appreciation for him.
On the other hand, could you honestly declare before God that you have been fully loving your husband? Yes…yes…I know about all the things that you “do for him”…which in reality are things that you WANT to do…things that mean something to you…and you could care less whether they mean anything to him…and, you could care less if you did any of the things that he has told you are meaningful to him. So again, could you really declare before God that you have been fully loving your husband up to now?
Just in case you aren’t sure, let’s remember what turned your husband to porn in the first place. He FIRST tried EVERYTHING he could think of to get you interested in being his lover…MANY, MANY, MANY times he has initiated lovemaking with you…only to be rejected, belittled, denigrated, etc. MOST of the time…and at some point, he gave up and moved on to something else…porn…which you are allegedly not happy about now…right?
If you don’t want him sexually, why would you care if he uses porn as his sexual release outlet instead of you? Seems to me like you would be glad that he is finally leaving you alone. Based on the “attitude” you have projected at him for years over his desire for sex with you…it seems to me that you would be happy he has finally decided to stop pestering you for sex.
Are you really such a fickle person that you are unhappy if he asks you for sex…and you are unhappy if he doesn’t?
#5: “I’ve heard that guys who use porn would rather look at porn than a real naked woman.”
What nonsense. There might be one or two weirdo guys on our planet who would prefer to look at porn over a real naked woman…but for all the rest of the mainstream men in this world…put the option of porn in front of them…and the option of their naked wife…and WATCH how quick they toss the porn aside like it’s a nasty diaper…and give their wife their full, undivided attention.
In fact, I dare you to prove this point for yourself. Go buy a porno movie and a Polaroid camera and ask your husband if he would rather watch the porno movie or take pictures of you nude. (Hint: have a very loose grip on the camera so you don’t get hurt when your husband grabs it out of your hand!)
The fact is, the mainstream husbands I am talking about in this article will ALWAYS prefer the real thing over the fake. And, anything else they are interested in is only for the purpose of spicing up the real thing and keeping it fresh, alive, and passionate.
#6: “Men who look at porn ignore their wife.”
Yes…wives who affectionately and sexually ignore and deny their husband will either lose him to another woman…or end up being ignored by him as he redirects his interests elsewhere. If you don’t like this, then stop ignoring him. If you don’t like this, then stop being so hard to get along with. If you don’t like this, then start showing him some attention, interest, and warmth. Assuming you haven’t completely burnt his heart for you, he’ll come around.
#7: “Men who watch porn want porn-style sex with their wife. They want to act out porn-style sex with their wife. And, if a woman gives in to that, then her husband still won’t be satisfied. He’ll want to go into the more extreme forms of porn.”
Certainly, there are extreme, disgusting, sickening, disturbing, illegal, hardcore porn options available for consumption. And yes, there are those few weirdo guys who “get off” on that kind of porn. But, this is NOT what the mainstream husband is interested in “acting out”. What the mainstream husband IS interested in …AS IS DEMONSTRATED BY MAINSTREAM PORN…is a woman who is open, warm, and willing to POSITIVELY ENJOY sex with him…a woman who is HAPPY to share her body with her man…both in a visual sense and in a physical touch sense…a woman who WANTS TO HAVE FUN sex WITH her man that consists of straightforward oral sex and straightforward penetration in a variety of positions and locations.
So, is a man “acting out” because he wants this? Is he “acting out” because he wants more than a woman who insists on turning off all the lights, who refuses to enjoy oral sex, who says no to any position except basic missionary, or who throws a fit when her husband suggests they have sex somewhere outside of the bedroom?
In the secret confines of her mind, there has NEVER been a woman who ONLY wanted non-passionate grandpa / grandma level procreative intercourse. But in the real world, there are a LOT of women who use their mind in such a way that they narrow down their marriage bed to grandpa / grandma level sex…and then they have the gall to condemn their husband for trying to open up and expand their marriage bed so it can be a little more fun, interesting, and exciting for BOTH of them.
#8: “Men who look at porn can no longer be turned on by their wife or have an orgasm with her. They have to instead visualize images of the girls in porn in order to be able to perform. They have to pretend like their wife is some porn starlet who they have seen in some porn movie. And, I am not interested in having sex with a man who is pretending like I am someone else…who is imagining he is having sex with someone else.”
This is a strategy that women have been using for eons…if you could get inside the minds of married women such that you could see and hear their true and honest thoughts during sex, you would find that the overwhelming majority of them HAVE fantasized about ANOTHER man WHILE they were making love with their husband…and you would also find that MANY of them use this strategy on an ongoing basis…and now that SOME men are starting to use this same strategy…it’s all of a sudden “bad” and “wrong”?
#9: “All the women I know of whose husband looks at porn feel the same feelings of hurt, sadness, suffering, loss, betrayal, jealousy, and abandonment. A husband who uses porn destroys his wife’s self-esteem.”
To all these women…you poor little dears…you are so busy feeling sorry for your selfish, self-centered, self-focused little selves…that you are oblivious to the damage your on-going sexual rejection of your husband has caused HIM…to the point he has often felt like he has zero manhood left…you have “pounded him down” so much and for so long that he cannot even imagine himself ever being in an enjoyable relationship with a woman. That’s WHY he’s still with YOU!
Do you think he likes being in a miserable relationship with you? Nope! It’s just that your darkness and negativity has so brought down HIS self-esteem that he cannot imagine being able to attract another woman…and so he feels like you are his last and only hope…that’s why he’s still with you. And lucky for you because if he was a high self-esteem man, he would have long ago dumped you for a more enjoyable and satisfying woman.
What I can say is that when these same men finally get it that their wife will always refuse to be a wife to him…they are always pleasantly surprised when they find out that there are a LOT of women interested in them…who find them attractive and desirable…when they finally give up on their wife and move on with their life WITHOUT HER.
What I can also say is that as a wife, you should have thought about what you were losing and abandoning when YOU as a wife were creating the loss of your husband. You didn’t just “lose” your husband. You CREATED his abandonment of you by your actions, attitudes, and behaviors!
#10: “Marriage is founded upon exclusivity, trust, sexual fidelity, and intimacy. So, when a husband uses porn, he is tearing down the foundation of his marriage…his use of porn threatens the marriage relationship and will likely destroy it if he continues using it.”
I agree…so women should STOP using their minds in such a way that they turn themselves off…women should STOP using their mind in such a way that they subvert and deny their sexuality…women should STOP withholding sex and intimacy…because THEY (women) ARE threatening the marriage relationship!
Lady, you are a smart girl…it’s not hard to figure out…when you open up and share your sexuality with your husband, he will no longer have an interest in porn. You can blame and condemn him as long as you want but it STILL always comes right back down to YOU and your willingness to share your sexual nature with your husband.
#11: “Why do men want sex all the time? Why do men expect their wife to be sexually available to them all the time?”
Why does the sun shine and the moon reflect? Why do you get wet when you stand in the rain? Why do 13 – 21 year old single girls dream and fantasize about a hot, passionate, intimate, and SEXUAL relationship with a man…to the point it is the ONLY thing they can think or talk about? Because that is how it is!
But on the flip side, what is worse to a woman than a man who ONLY wants her for sex and has no other interest in her?
The answer is a man who has no sexual interest in her! The woman who feels the ugliest and the most depressed is the woman who does not have some man directing his sexual interest at her.
But, there’s another aspect to this…the person who proclaims the selfishness of others is usually the one who is the more selfish person. The person preaching that others should be more tolerant is usually the most intolerant person of all. And in this same vein, women want to preach to men that men should just accept them as they are…that men should just accept whatever relationship “crumbs” they happen to feel like doling out at the moment…AND BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. But, let her husband drop into being a “crumb” provider and watch how quickly she “draws a line” and issues an ultimatum.
Let’s ask this question: why is it any more “right” for a woman to subvert her sexuality…than it is “wrong” for a man to not subvert his sexuality? Why is it any more “right” for a woman to use reasons and excuses to justify her state of mind towards her husband…than it is “wrong” for a husband to maintain his desire and interest in his wife?
And, while we are condemning men, let’s keep in mind that what men want is EXACTLY the same thing that women want.
To illustrate that last point, let’s suppose someone wrote a romance novel that more or less mirrored you and your husband’s meager, plain-Jane, boring life. Suppose that this book spoke of how the “heroine” was using her mind in a negative way to keep herself emotionally unhappy and sexually turned off most of the time. Suppose that this book spoke of how every time the “hero” tried to romance the “heroine”, she would just shut him down and push him away…perpetually. Suppose this book spoke of how the “hero” and “heroine” shared a mostly friendly but always platonic life together…both of them going to their boring jobs during the day…and then coming home and sharing boring chores and tasks…and then both of them putting on their grandpa / grandma pajamas and heading off to their own separate bedroom.
Is that a book that you would buy? Is that a book that ANY married woman would buy? Nope! The fact is, the kinds of books that married women are interested in are SEXUALLY-CHARGED books…books like “Gone With The Wind” and “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”…as evidenced by the fact that these kinds of books are ALWAYS listed in ANY “Top 100 books for women” list that you care to look at.
So, why do you think about and want sex all the time? Oh wait…I forgot…you don’t call it sex…you call it romance! Whatever…it’s still the same thing…you want the same thing your husband wants…and when you block giving him what he wants, you block giving yourself what you want. Your unhappiness…your lack of satisfaction…your lack of fulfillment is FED by what you dish out to your husband.
And, if you “claim” that you don’t think about and want sex all the time…then that is a SIGN to YOU…that is YOUR warning signal that you have so shut-down and subverted your sexual nature…that the ONLY direction your life CAN go is downward UNLESS you change things FAST!
#12: “As a wife, I feel like there is no way I can measure up to the women in porn. If I cannot give my husband what the girls in porn give him, then how can I possibly expect to hold onto him?”
Your concern is absolutely in the wrong place. It is the resistant, rejecting, withdrawing, bitter, resentful, hateful, spiteful, denies-her-sexuality woman who cannot “hold” a guy.
A man WANTS a strong erotic bond between he and his wife. A man WANTS to have a warm, loving, affectionate woman to share his life with. And, the moment his wife opens herself up to ENJOY being that kind of woman WITH him, is the moment his wife will get to start enjoying the kind of marriage relationship she dreamed and fantasized about when she was single.
Now, let’s regroup…
Is all of this to suggest that I am a supporter and proponent of porn?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
For most husbands, porn is a safe…albeit weak…way of retreating from a wife who is quick to reject sex…or who triggers feelings of inferiority, insecurity, or anxiety within him. Consequently, I am against porn because it is a way to avoid the problems between a husband and a wife rather than facing up to them and fixing them so that they BOTH can get on with REALLY enjoying life.
I am against porn for the same reasons I am not interested in watching standard TV programming…life is to be LIVED and enjoyed not watched.
I am against porn because I want men lusting after their wife…and wives lusting after their husband…instead of some stranger.
I am against porn because it does have certain over-stimulating, desensitizing effects upon those who consume it.
I am against porn because it triggers insecurity and fear instead of boosting confidence.
I am against porn because it is LESS than the best. The love-life and sex-life that my wife and I share and enjoy together day by day is FAR SUPERIOR to anything either one of us has ever seen in the world of porn…what we share is REAL compared to the predominantly FAKE and PRETEND stuff shown in porn…and that is what I want men and women EVERYWHERE sharing and enjoying together…that is what I want married couples modeling to their children…so that the negative marriage relationship statistics of our world can be reversed.
Now, let me speak specifically to the husband…
No matter how much you agree with what I have said within this article…no matter how “broke” you think your wife is…no matter how inappropriate her mindset and mentality towards you is…this STILL does not fix your marriage relationship problems.
When it comes bedtime, your wife is still going to be just as not-very-sexual as she was before. And, she is going to continue being this way UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO CREATE A DIFFERENT REACTION IN HER TOWARDS YOU.
That’s just the way it is. A woman ALWAYS reacts to a man with one of two reactions…turned-on or turned-off. And, if your wife is not highly sexual with you, then that means YOU ARE invoking the turned-off reaction.
But, THERE IS a way to become the man who invokes the turned-on reaction in your wife. Those guys who already know how to invoke the turned-on reaction in a woman WERE NOT born that way. Rather, they LEARNED how to create that kind of reaction in a woman. And, if they can learn it, so can you.
The only difference between them and you was that they encountered their “learning environment” earlier in life than you did. But, NOW IT IS YOUR TIME! Now, the “learning environment” is here waiting for you to step in and find out how to create that turned-on reaction in your wife so that you can REALLY enjoy life with her for the rest of your life!
Copyright 2012 by Calle Zorro
Husband Or Wife, This Is THE Solution If You Want A Happy Marriage That Works. Click here.
You may use this article on your own website IF you include the following: “Copyright by Calle Zorro of www.MarriedAndHappy.com“
[...] I just read this article today. Not sure if it's applicable, but this is the counter point: Husbands, Wives, and Porn I'm also with one of the posters, this seems very melodramatic and you come off as enjoying the [...]
Awesome!
This is exactly what ever woman should read.
Grat article.
Seriously , i am speechless after reading this article, i am still trying to pick my jaw off the ground, i have NEVER EVER heard anyone put it so eloquantly than you, i think if every woman in the world read this , the porn industry for the most part would go ” out of business today!!!
Thanks Calle,
This is just what I needed. I don’t watch porn but your article really speaks to me about my wife’s disrespect and negativity. This is dynamite! This blows me away… I am awestruck… unbelievable!!!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You knocked it out of the park!
Never, ever stop what you’re doing!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am forwarding this email to my wife. Maybe she will actually think about it for once. And, after all, what do I have to lose?
Thanks, Calle! Keep up the great work! We men greatly appreciate it!
Just a thought: this hit the nail on the head as squarely as humanly possible. Soooooo….. how do I go about making this available to my wife so that she might see it and be prompted to read it???
Hi Calle, That was a great article that you wrote.
Thanks Calle, that was a great article to read!
I’m tired of churches and Christian organizations constantly beating up men about porn and not saying anything to women about soaps or romance novels. Not saying porn is good by any means, but I like how you put it that it is a symptom of a greater issue. I think the churches really need to figure this out and help get to the root of the issue if they want to help men and families.
I once went to an event where Kirk Cameron was speaking about marriage and family. Half of the event he preached on how men need to stop looking at porno. But throughout the whole event he made constant jokes about how all the women in the audience were probably checking him out, as if that was ok.
What an interesting and well written email. So much of is true. However, porn can be used in a positive and loving way, if it used correctly. I am not talking about the wild and dangerous stuff that includes spanking, domination, intimidation and tying up scenes.
I am talking about porn that is, for the most part vanilla sex, sex in various positions and places that both man and woman can enjoy in a safe and committed relationship. The kind of porn that can inspire both to try and enjoy different ways of adding spark to the love and sex life.
The key to this that both man and woman should be able to see and enjoy the scenes without being freaked out by the acts. Then, they should discuss if this is for them and that they could do this. Forget about the obscene stuff and enjoy the true sex that gives both pleasure.
Back to your email! What I get most effectively and basically, is that both husband and wife should maintain the avenues of communication and not ever put each other down. Both husband and wife have to realize that neither is perfect; and, believe me wholeheartedly, we do not want perfection either.
Forget the small stuff! So the dishes are not washed one evening. The garbage has yet to be taken out. There is a lot of time to do that. If the mood strikes and the passion rises in the hearts and minds of husband or wife, then take it somewhere in a private place, backyard, couch, kitchen table or even the bed. Then go for it. The dishes and garbage can wait.
Hello Calle,
I want to thank you for sending this article, but I’d like to offer some feedback. This article says much on the subject of what wives need to know about their husbands sexual desires and needs, but it also seems to advocate that men are “within their rights” to look at porn if their wives are not “putting out.” While I sympathize with that viewpoint, I know for a fact that GOD, (i.e. The God of the Bible, i.e. The Great “I AM”, i.e. our Creator) has made it abundantly clear that we do not get a free pass on this.
Jesus said: “You have heard it said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-29 [This is from the English Standard Version, but check any version you want: it has the same message and it's meaning is clear.]
Let me just say this: Anyone who thinks this doesn’t apply DIRECTLY to men looking at porn has their head in the sand!
Is this an easy thing to hear? No, it is not: it means that as much as our wives may be using sex as a weapon against us by withholding it from us, we are not to return evil for evil by turning to images (aka “idols”) of other women as a substitute for our wives – rebellious as our wives may be.
Jesus also said: “The truth shall set you free”, and the truth is that porn is a very self destructive addiction that is silently eating away at many marriages like a cancer. There is research out there that shows how porn creates the same seratonin and dopamine responses in the brain that a drug addict gets when using his or her drug of choice. Marital therapists are starting to learn just how devastating a man’s use of porn can be to his relationship with his wife. It is really the male equivalent of having a virtual affair, which is not at all unlike the very thing that we accuse women of: using sex as a weapon.
I’ve gained a lot of good knowledge from reading and re-reading your materials in the past, especially because they have been aligned with the Holy Scriptures in the Bible, but this particular article seems to suggest something is “OK” that the Bible clearly says is wrong.
I’m writing this as someone who’s struggled with this issue for years and only recently have learned that I may have been causing a significant amount of the trouble with my wife BECAUSE I was looking at porn. By meditating on God’s Word and going through a few good books on the subject with other men at church, I’ve been able to receive strength from the Holy Spirit and have successfully stayed away from porn for more than 9 months.
I SINCERELY BELIEVE THAT MY MARRIAGE IS BETTER TODAY THAN IT WAS 9 MONTHS AGO FOR 2 VERY IMPORTANT REASONS:
#1) I HAVE LIVED OUT WHAT GOD HAS COMMANDED ME TO LIVE OUT BY NOT LUSTING AFTER OTHER WOMEN, AND #2) I HAVE STUDIED AND APPLIED THE PRINCIPLES YOU TEACH IN YOUR MATERIALS, CONSISTENTLY AND OVER TIME
#3) I HAVE STUDIED AND APPLIED THE PRINCIPLES “STRONG MARRIAGE NOW” TEACHES AND HAVE GONE THROUGH THEIR MATERIALS WITH MY WIFE OVER THE COURSE OF SEVERAL MONTHS
My wife has noticed the difference in me, and I can honestly say she actually shows me respect and is more eager to have sex with me than she has been in years! We are also communicating better and enjoy each other more. We’re both taking better care of ourselves and making each other a higher priority. At this rate, I’d say we’re not just going to make it to the finish line together, but we should cross it smiling and with many, many happy memories!
I have tremendous respect and appreciation for you and what you’ve put together and the positive impact it has had on my life and my marriage, but now I feel I owe it to you to provide the following advice from a friend:
You can’t cherry pick what you like from God’s Word and throw out the rest. In other words, if God’s advice on how to be a man is good and sound in all other areas, then we also have to trust Him in this.
I would suggest the following reading for anyone who is caught in the deceptive snare called ‘porn’:
“Pure Desire” by Ted Roberts
“Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn
God promises: “The rules of The LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” Psalm 19:9-11
If I misinterpreted anything that was being said in the article you sent, please excuse the misinterpretation. Otherwise, if you know why I am sending this to you, I pray that it will be received in the spirit in which it is being sent: as words of wisdom from a friend.
Hi “Christian Husband”,
I agree with you. And, as I stated in the article, I do not condone or promote porn. But, neither do I condone or promote a wife withholding sex from her husband.
I do not accept the model where a woman uses her mind so negatively and dishonestly that she subverts and denies her sexuality…to the point she no longer even feels sexual desire…and then fully expects her husband to subvert his sexuality too…WHILE STILL EXPECTING HIM TO FULLY SUPPORT HER, DO FOR HER, BUY FOR HER, ENTERTAIN AND RECREATE HER, ROMANCE HER, AND MEET ALL HER NON-SEXUAL NEEDS.
In other words, the typical woman thinks that her husband should give her everything she wants from him regardless of whether it means anything to him or not…and thinks he should not want anything except what she wants to give him…and that is why so many men turn to porn. And then, this same typical woman…who did not have any interest or desire to give her husband what HE wanted…gets all offended when he finds a substitute for his needs.
The fact is, if the typical husband withheld provision at the same level his wife withheld sex, there would be very few married people in our world.
The Bible makes it clear that a husband WILL pay for his sins…but it also makes it clear that the woman who causes her husband to sin will bear the greater penalty. An example of this is right at the very front of the Bible with Adam and Eve…and the same concept is carried all the way through the Bible. In the New Testament, Jesus even went so far as to say that it would have been better if the person who causes another person to sin had not been born.
The main issue I am speaking to in this article is that there would be a whole lot less men wasting time on porn IF their wife was actively being the sexual kind of woman that the Bible commands a woman to be in relation to her husband.
My main point in this article is that most men are far more interested in their wife than they are in porn…but their wife is not interested in them…so they turn to porn as a not-nearly-as-satisfying substitute.
This lack of sex problem that so many men suffer through puts them in a bad situation…and many men simply make a choice to go with porn because they view it as the least hurtful choice available to them.
In other words, they have the full justification of the Bible to leave their wife for the reason of sexual sins…which includes a wife refusing to be sexual with her husband…Moses taught this, Jesus confirmed it, and Paul confirmed it yet again. But, for many men, they are not willing to leave their non-sexual wife because they love their children and do not want to hurt them or negatively-impact their lives. So, to men in these kinds of situations, porn is the least harmful way they know to release their sexual energy.
The point in my article is that the overwhelming majority of these men would much prefer that their wife just be sexual with them…but when a man has a wife who refuses to be sexual…or when his wife makes a big negative ordeal out of his sexual desire…and he doesn’t want to put his children in a broken home situation…or risk the chance of “losing” them as a result of a female-biased family law system…what is he to do?
Well, those people who are not in a doing-without situation would just say such a man should just forget about sex and make the choice to live life without it. But, that’s not how it works.
Or, they would say the man made the choice as to who he married and now he should just deal with it and live with it. Well, that’s not a fair statement either because the overwhelming majority of women will be highly sexual when they want to capture the attention, support, and committment of a man…and then once they have his attention and support, they decide the sex part is no longer necessary.
Every day I work with men who had “open” discussions with their wife-to-be about having a sexual marriage…and the wife-to-be strongly agreed and affirmed that desire…but today, she is a non-sexual wife.
Every week, I work with men whose wife-to-be was VERY sexual when they were dating…but as soon as they married, all of a sudden, their wife could not be sexual anymore because of sexual abuse that happened DECADES ago.
But BEFORE they were married, these gals were all about sex. And, in those cases where their husband leaves them, they turn their sexuality right back on so they can capture the attention, interest, and commitment of another man. To me, this is absolutely disgusting because the woman could just as easily turned her sexuality on with her husband and SAVED their marriage from breaking up…and saved their children the misery of a broken home.
The point is two-fold: one, what men THOUGHT they were marrying and what they REALLY married are RARELY the same thing…two, the issues behind marriage problems can be significantly more complex than they appear at a surface level.
There are a couple of Biblical verses that fit here: “feed me with food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.” Proverbs 30:8-9
The Bible is acknowledging that the man without food WILL steal. It may not be what he wants to do but he WILL do it if his need for food remains unsatisfied. This very same concept applies to a man. Because of how God made and wired a man, food and sex are very much on the same level for him. In fact, it is not uncommon for a fasting male to feel more desire for sex than he feels desire for food. Yes, his body craves and hurts for food but it craves and hurts for sex more.
And, a LOT of females have criticized this concept…a LOT of females ARE criticizing this concept right now…belittling it as if male sexual desire is a bad thing…and all they are FOOLISHLY doing is criticizing what God purposely and specifically designed…and they are criticizing it to their own hurt, harm, loss, and unhappiness.
So personally, I agree that porn is “wrong”…but I am NOT going condemn or criticize the husband in a sexless marriage who does view porn…if that is the only alternative he believes is available to him.
The good news is that I have a solution for the husband in a sexless marriage that is FAR SUPERIOR to porn…a solution that shows a husband how to open up his wife and get her expressing her sexuality with him again.