How does a husband or wife know if they are in a sexless marriage?
Are you in a sexless marriage if you and your partner have sex once a month? Once every two months? Twice a year? What determines if a marriage is a “sexless” marriage?
Well, I hear other people waffling around this question without really answering it…so I’m going to step out and tell you the answer plainly…
If you and your spouse do not purposely find a way to express yourselves sexually WITH each other at LEAST once a week…once every 7 days, THEN YOU ARE IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
Now, I can hear the gasps and whistles and see the eyebrows rising…but here’s the truth…married couples who are in a TRULY happy marriage…one where BOTH the husband AND the wife are genuinely happy…join together in sexual expression AT LEAST 2 – 3 times a week.
Even when happily married couples are separated…perhaps by business travel…or away caring for a family member in need of assistance…they STILL express their sexuality together over the phone or by video.
(Note: Typically, in a sexless marriage, there is one person who wants sex and one person who does not. I’m going to speak towards the person who does not want sex in the remainder of this article. If you are the person who DOES want sex more often, then jump down to the resources listed at the bottom and check out those options.)
So, continuing on…you might say that you are truly happily married and you don’t have sex 2 – 3 times a week…well, I promise you, if your spouse was to expose the truth, THEY ARE NOT HAPPY with YOU!!!
But, in all honesty, if you aren’t having sex 2 – 3 times a week…if you aren’t sexually expressing yourself with someone who wants you to express yourself with them and vice versa, then YOU AREN’T HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER!
You might say you are…but that’s an excuse…it’s a cover up…you are lying to yourself and to others.
I don’t care what you “claim”, nobody in their right mind starts into life with dreams of living a platonic, passionless, straight-laced, boring-but-safe-and-secure life. Nobody dreams of living their life with a friendly “roommate”. Nobody…and that includes you!
Nobody is interested in watching a movie about two adult people living a nice, quiet, safe, secure, passionless, sexless life that’s void of all excitement. Nobody wants to watch a movie about two dull, dreary people who get up in the morning…all civil and courteous and friendly in their short, shallow, information-only conversations…and then go to their jobs…only to come home and continue in the same monotonous pattern.
And, if you aren’t interested in watching a movie of your life, then you are NOT truly happy about your life…no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to deny it or deceive yourself.
If you are a female, you have NEVER ONCE wanted to read a “romance” novel or watch a soap opera about some man and woman living a platonic, amiable, cordial, friendly, but non-intimate, sexless life together. Not once!
But, people always have their excuses…
They say, “Well, we would do more fun and exciting things if we had more money.” Baloney! You want to see some BORED people? Go to Las Vegas…Sin City…Fun Capital of the World…and walk into any Casino, and look at the faces of people playing the games and gambling with their money…and MOST of them will be the face of boredom.
How can that be? It’s because excitement doesn’t come from money. It doesn’t come from a game. It doesn’t come from being in a certain place. It doesn’t come from being with a certain person. Excitement comes from YOU being EAGER to open up your heart, mind, and body…and EAGERLY sharing it with somebody else who is also EAGER to lay out their heart, mind, and body to be shared with you.
And, when you do this within the God-approved, God-ordained structure of a private marriage relationship, that is when real excitement happens!
And, what better way to lay out hearts, minds, and bodies than to be intimate and sexual with your partner…and them with you? The answer is that there is no better way. That’s why God created sex for married people. If yadi-yadi-blah-blah was a better way, God would have created yadi-yadi-blah-blah — but He didn’t! He created SEX!
The problem is though, people let the fears, insecurities, and offenses they feel in relation to their spouse BLOCK them from laying out their heart, mind, and body…or they use their heart, mind, and body as a bargaining chip for usurping and retaining control over their spouse…and NEITHER of these will make you happy if you engage in them.
I promise you, if you are a husband or wife who habitually withholds sex from your spouse for weeks or months, YOU are NOT a happy person.
So why would you do this?
Why would you even play a game where YOU lose twice? And you DO lose twice…you lose out on the joy and excitement of intimacy now…and you lose out when your spouse finally gets fed up with your game playing and divorces you or cheats on you.
Why would you short-change yourself of satisfaction, fulfillment, enjoyment, and excitement? It’s for sure you wouldn’t let somebody else try to shortchange you of these things…so why would you do it to yourself?
And really, being a non-sexual person is an acute case of dishonesty. You are dishonestly cheating yourself and you are dishonestly defrauding your spouse.
Another excuse…
“It’s my spouse’s fault! He/She….”
I’m sure your spouse has their faults and wrong-doings…just as you do…but while you are condemning and judging your spouse…instead of opening your heart, mind, and body to them…while you are trying to “get back at them” in whatever you are trying to do that, you are once again short-changing your own happiness.
The fact is, if you are not CONTRIBUTING to your and your spouse’s “environment”…if you are not being CONDUCIVE to an exciting relationship, then YOU are the block and the hindrance. If you aren’t ACTIVELY HELPING, SUPPORTING, AND ENCOURAGING your spouse to be successful with you…then YOU are the roadblock to YOUR happiness in life.
And, you ARE hurting yourself more than you are hurting your spouse. Yes it hurts your spouse when you won’t participate and cooperate and have a fun, exciting relationship with them…but they will EVENTUALLY get all of that with or without you.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to decide that they CAN HAVE that fun, exciting, and sexual relationship WITH YOU instead of WITHOUT you?
Now, I have no doubt that I’ve stirred your thoughts and feelings. So, share them with me…take that first step towards opening your heart, mind, and body: Leave a Response
Copyright 2011 by Calle Zorro
Husband, This Is THE Solution If You Want An Affectionate, Sexual Marriage. Click here.
Wife, This Is THE Solution If You Want An Affectionate, Sexual Marriage. Click here.
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“Copyright by Calle Zorro of www.MarriedAndHappy.com“
My wife of 15 years started out with a heathly sex appitite then over the years it completely died. She is uppaulled by things she used to do all the time. She does not want to talk about it, she gets mad at me for brining it up, wonders why I have an attitude and knows that all I really need is a little physical attention. She will say she is too tireds then goes and does some work. I am in decent shape, a good provider, good father etc. She refuses to see a therapist. I try to have nice romatic dinners but she just laughs. I am out of options and only grow more resentful. I am becoming so bitter that it is consuming me more and more and I get criticized for being angry all the time. To her its a big joke.
Boy is that the truth. I’m lucky if I get plain jane vanilla sex twice a month. I’d like to say it was different before children but it really wasn’t. We’ve been married for 15 years now and I’d never consider divorce but I’m fed up with the excuses. There was a close to three year stretch in our marriage that was COMPLETELY sexless, and this was also before the children came along. I don’t understand women. Why is it my drive is so high and hers is so low, no, so non-existent? Nothing seems to change her mind or attitude either, and as Kevin said she wonders why I’m so angry all the time….. Maybe it’s because I need some more attention honey!
My husband stopped having any kind of intimacy or sex approx 29 years ago. He was never into sex like I was, he said the only reason he had sex was because I wanted it. Then he got bored, and said it was a waste of energy, no excitement, and meant nothing to much work for so little. I was devastated, I never got the chance to have kids, no one to take care of the holding, kissing, cuddling with. After I got over my depression the urge for sex went away , but not the closeness of a marriage. I did ask what his problem was, and he said he had no problems and to never ask again. He then moved all his stuff down stairs away from me. We live like apartment dewellers. Its really sad, he is such a lonely person. But it his choice.
I’ve been in a sexless marriage for almost 30 years, married 40 plus years.Husband is a very uncaring person, we’ve had no intimacy of any kind for years. He’s even moved all his things downstairs where he’s built a small apartment. He would rather be close to his shop, not me.
He says I’m boring and sex is more boring, and it is just to much effort for what you get out of it. I on the other hand enjoyed sex and intimacy, but after all these years I’ve lost all desire. He refuses to help himself and just wants me to leave him alone. I still care that hes alright, but hes such a lonely person, he sees no one nor interacts with anyone. His domain has no TV nor a PC that i’m aware of. He has ruined my life and his own. I hate him for that.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4.5 years, and the last year and a half we have had sex only three times. We live together, and quite honesty the only reason I haven’t left her is that we both need each others income to support ourselves. I am in awesome shape, and pretty easy on the eyes, but she wants nothing to do with me. I am angry and resentful of her, and even if she started having sex with me I don’t know that this relationship can be saved. She actually wants to get married, and when I said there was no way I’d marry someone who doesn’t like sex, she got mad at me! I’m stuck….
JD, get my program. Being resentful of a turned-off woman does not help you or her…it does nothing to fix the problem. It only serves to create more unhappiness in both of you.
Also, unless you make make the effort to become an appealing and desirable man, you won’t have to worry about your lady starting to give you sex because that won’t ever happen.
But, there is a bigger problem…if you CHOOSE to NOT put forth the effort to become a man who is appealing and desirable to women…if you choose to just move on to another woman…then you WILL soon enough find yourself in the exact same situation…it will be a different woman and different details but the same exact situation.
So, YOUR BEST CHOICE is to become the MAN who IS appealing and desirable to your lady so that you GET OUT and STAY OUT of this situation that you are presently in. That’s what my program is about…this is what I help men with.
A person is NEVER stuck. “Stuck” is a word that describes a person who will not educate and develop their self. But, as soon as a person is willing to invest in their education and development they will find that OPTIONS MAGICALLY appear.
Hi Amy,
It is conventional wisdom that all men want sex all the time…so most people do not realize that there are a surprisingly large number of men who will not have sex with their wife. But, there is always a reason why…and there is always something that can be done. For a woman in this situation, I recommend this site: http://www.TheWifeBook.com
Warmly,
Calle
My wife and I have been married for 36 years. Our sex life started pretty much the same as everyone. Over the years the frequency decreased and yes there were some issues for a while. The last time we were intimate was 14 years ago. Without the physical intimacy it has allowed us to grow in other ways and yes our marriage is just as strong as when we were first married, just different. We are best friends and enjoy a full life with our children and grandchildren.
My wife and I are both in our late forties. We have been married for 26 years. We dated for 3 years before getting married. On our wedding night, it was the first time either of us had sex (in other words, we were both virgins). I had to say all of this because there is no sexual or relational baggage most people bring into this issue. We have three children. My wife stays at home, and I have been working for 23 years in education with the normal nights, weekends, and breaks that schools get. So… why does my wife not want to have sex? She has been this way our entire marriage. Yes it is true. There have been times over the course of our marriage that we haven’t had sex for more than a year! Both of us have been faithful, but she is just plain frigid. I am a great father and husband. I am nurturing to the children and discipline them. I love my wife and am always available to talk, spend time with her, and do chores. I am just at my wits end. She isn’t having anything to do with sex, but she is more than willing to smile in the morning to me as I leave for work and give me a kiss. Doesn’t she realize what she is doing to me?! We have talked about this subject throughout our marriage and is very defensive. I’ve had it. We are both still very attractive and fit. She snaps at the kids and me, yet after several days when I bring something up that needs to be addressed she cries and is filled with rage. She has severe ADHD and mood issues untreated. Last week when I was heading out the door to work, there was her purse wide open with her wallet showing on the front porch from the night before when she put it down to open the front door, along with her camera bag with a $700 camera and lens that I bought for Christmas because she had wanted one for several years because she wanted to have a hobby. Our porch is 10 feet from the sidewalk and anyone could have stolen everything, but I didn’t say anything because it is part of her ADHD. Yet if I did, as I have in the past, she would have torn my head off. I don’t know what to do anymore.
This article has given me hope.