I recently received an email from a wife that is chock-full of insight that EVERY husband should be aware of. Especially important about this email is that it BUSTS a destructive myth that many husbands subscribe to…the one that goes like this: “My wife doesn’t really want sex“.
Here’s the letter…and let it really raise your awareness of how your wife is REALLY thinking in relation to you as her husband:
I am a women who recently gave my husband a copy of “How to Create A More Sexual Marriage Relationship” and “How to Turn Your Wife Into a Nymphomaniac”. Of course I read each cover to cover and agreed with about 90% of what each eBook had to say.
The reason for me purchasing these eBooks is because me and my husband have not had the best sex life lately. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex ALL THE TIME. It was enjoyable for both of us. Over time, it decreased and decreased and now he is NOT a happy person about it.
I would like to have a better sex life as well.
Of course, my husband is trying to figure why I’m not sexual anymore. He accused me of not being attracted to him which is not the case. He told me that I needed to explore the real reasons I’m not sexual so that’s how I found your eBooks. I read them, highlighted the things that hit home to me and wrote comments about how I felt about some of the things in the book. I asked him to read them because the eBooks said exactly what I have been trying to say to him all this time.
Needless to say, he absolutely hated the book. He basically said and I quote: “I have some serious issues with these eBooks! They have some good points but a lot of really bad ones too. There are some things in here that I already do and I get no response from you. It’s really getting to me and making me upset. I think we have some major issues and I don’t think we can solve them. These eBooks make women seem like idiots that don’t know what they want and it seems that you have been tricked into doing what a man wants you to do. I’m sorry but I don’t want to have to trick you for the next 50 years. I’m not saying I can’t improve because I can. I’m just saying this book is wack. I’m going to finish reading it though.”
I responded in a calm way be saying that it was ok for him to feel that way but the eBooks DO describe how women think in relationships. I told him I agreed with what the eBooks had to say and I told him he will not be tricking me because if he did what the eBooks say, I will automatically respond is a sexual way because of his actions.
He then points out that he buys me little gifts and give me massages and compliment me and he gets no response. I have to admit that he does these things, but they are done few and far between and like you said, when he does them I automatically thinks he wants sex. The fact that these things are not continued when he doesn’t get his desired response is because he is doing them because he wants something in return. I expressed that I want to feel like he does it out of love not just because he wants sex. I guess I don’t have to tell you the entire dialogue, but you can feel where this led to, him not talking to me and me feeling like he doesn’t care enough for me to want to understand me.
I started to think that maybe I was a little too direct for him, especially with the highlighting and notes. I just wanted to tell him exactly how I felt. Maybe he thinks that I am blaming him for our sexual problems but that’s not the case. I too know that I have to work on things and to do that I purchased another eBook that is like this but for women to give men what they want (which talks about why sex is important, respect and things of that nature). I just feel like since I’m trying to educate myself about what men really want he should want to do the same.
What do I do when he doesn’t want to respond to your eBooks?” — Mrs. “Y”
Here is my response to Mrs. “Y”…
First of all, by the actions and effort that you are putting into your marriage Mrs. “Y”, I will say that you are most definitely a special, high-quality woman.
Second, I’m going to be blunt…you deserve a better man than your husband currently is…there’s nothing wrong with your sexuality…or your sexual desire…the only thing that’s wrong is you’re not with a man who inspires you to share your sexuality with him. If you were to find yourself with a man who did know how to inspire you…well, you’d find yourself having sex (or wanting to have sex) “ALL THE TIME” again.
Now having said these things, let’s explore some of the things you’ve said in your email to me…ending with how to give your husband a chance to get his act together…
1. Just from reading the things you say, I strongly suspect that the biggest issue for you…the biggest reason you are having a hard time being sexually interested in your husband is his BIG interest in himself…and his LITTLE interest in you…except for sexually…AND…his lack of MANHOOD…as evidenced by his blame-shifting and excuse-making.
2. A woman is generally wired in a such a way that she reacts to the man in her life…and this is NOT a bad thing…this does not mean a woman is less than a man in ANY way…it’s a good thing because when a woman has a MAN who is doing the RIGHT things in relation to her…it frees her up to be the amazing, incredible, wonderful, spectacular lady that God created her to be…so that she can in turn create a reaction in her husband that frees him up to be the amazing, incredible, wonderful, spectacular man that God created him to be. Specifically, a woman can EASILY be affectionate with and sexually attracted to a man who takes the lead and responsibility for creating a positive reaction in her towards him…and a woman is TURNED OFF by a man who does little to nothing to create a positive reaction in her towards him…she’s turned off by a man who expects HER to do the leading and take the responsibility…and of course, these are generally the same men who fault, blame and accuse the woman for her LESSENING desire for him…not realizing…or in many cases…not accepting…that IT’S HIS OWN FAULT FOR NOT STEPPING UP AND BEING A MAN who turns on his lady.
3. If you go back to when you were dating, I believe you’ll find that the man you are married to put effort into creating a positive reaction in you towards him. But, once he “got you”…once he said “I do”…then at that point, he started putting less and less effort into creating a positive reaction in you towards him…he started taking you for granted…he started acting like he was ENTITLED…until now, it probably seems to you that he mostly cares about his interests…and you GIVING him whatever it is that he wants from you…whether he’s inspired or motivated you to give it to him or not. And, over time, it’s getting harder and harder for you to “give” to this kind of man.
4. Yes, he “hated” the eBooks because they pointed out that HE is the one who needs to step up…he wanted everything to be YOUR fault…he wanted YOU to be the problem…not him! And, my eBooks point out that HE is the one who needs to start doing things in a different way so that HE can start creating a more positive response in you towards him. My eBooks pointed out how HE needed to grow and mature and develop and learn and implement but that’s not what he wants to do. Consequently, the “best” excuse and blame-shift that he could come up with is that my materials “make women seem like idiots” who have to be “tricked” when in fact (just as you stated), my eBooks are spot on when it comes to what women want and need from a man in a relationship so that she can be attracted to him and sexually turned on by him.
5. If your husband were a REAL MAN, he would have responded with something like, “Wow! I am amazed…and impressed…and super-pleased…I’m REALLY glad that you want to be a “nymphomaniac wife” for me…that you have taken the initiative…and spent the money to help US improve our marriage and our relationship…and I’ll be honest…these ideas are so different from how I’m used to thinking about things…this is totally different and unexpected…but I HEAR YOU telling me that this is how you think as a woman…that this describes what your needs are…and how you want your man to operate…that THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT AS A WOMAN…SO THANK YOU…and I’m going to earnestly study these materials…and I ask you to help me…and be patient with me…I’m sure it will take me a while to make the shifts and changes…it will take me a lot of practice…and probably I’ll slip back on occasion to my “old ways”…and I’ll be MAN enough to receive your input/feedback that tells me I’ve “slipped”…[name], I love you! I want you to know that I think you are an incredibly special woman…and I’m glad I’m married to you…I’m glad that you are my wife!”
6. If your husband had of responded with something like this, I’m quite certain that you would have JUMPED him right then and there…and probably the two of you would have had some of the most exciting, passionate lovemaking that you’ve had in years…if not ever. Sadly, your husband did not MAN UP…and consequently, HE missed out on a HUGE opportunity to GET the very thing he’s saying he wants…and he left you feeling even more turned off towards him and less hopeful about your relationship with him than what you were before.
7. Moreover, not only did your husband not receive your message in a MANLY way…he then went into a NON-MANLY defensive frame where he starts telling you about the FEW things he IS doing…and he has completely missed..or ignored…my message that it’s not WHAT you do nearly as much as it’s the spirit, attitude, and intention that’s behind what you do. So, that’s why your husband can do things that you want and need…but if the right spirit, attitude, and intention is missing…then it will NOT work for you…as evidenced by the reaction that you are having towards him when he does do them.
8. And, as you pointed out…it IS a huge turn-off to a woman when a man is operating in a manipulative way…where he mostly ignores or belittles you…but suddenly he does certain “nice” things in order to get what he wants (sex). Yes, it’s pretty much disgusting to a woman.
9. Yes, your husband’s immaturity, neediness, insecurity, and lack of masculinity…all the things that are turning you off and killing your desire for sex with him…was further evidenced by his “pouting” and “silent treatment” that he gave you. That’s NOT how a MAN acts.
10. No, you were NOT too direct with him. You did exactly what you should have done. And, as you go forward, here is EXACTLY what I suggest you tell him every time he raises the subject of relationship or sex: “Husband-name, I WANT a man who I can trust and respect enough to be affectionate and sexual with him…I want a man who does the things that turn me on…and I’ve given you the eBooks that explain EXACTLY what I want and need from you in order to feel these things…I have completely opened myself up to you with complete honesty and openness…and you can either honor me by studying, embracing, and applying these eBooks and the highlights I’ve made and the notes I’ve written…which will bring us back to what we had in the beginning and take us beyond that…or you can dishonor me by ignoring these eBooks…or pooh-poohing them…and our marriage relationship will continue to deteriorate until I cannot take it anymore and must move on to another man who WILL do the things that turn me on. My hope is that YOU will be the one who chooses to honor me instead of someone else.”
Bottom line, you can only give your husband the input and the opportunity to make the shifts and improvements that will create the turned-on reaction in you towards him. Beyond that, it’s up to him to listen to you or ignore you…and it’s up to you to decide what kind of man you choose to live with.
Copyright 2010 by Calle Zorro