Have you ever wondered what kinds of thoughts about sex your wife has? And in particular, have you ever wondered what kinds of thoughts about sex your wife has relative to you?
I recently received an email from a wife that is chock-full of insight that every husband should be aware of. After reading this email, you will have a far better take on what your wife’s thoughts about sex are relative to you.
Also, this email exposes how bogus the myth is that many husbands subscribe to…the one that goes like this: “My wife doesn’t really want sex.”
Here is the email…and let it raise your awareness of how your wife is REALLY thinking in relation to you as her husband and what her thoughts about sex are relative to you:
I am a women who recently gave my husband a copy of “How to Create A More Sexual Marriage Relationship” and “How to Turn Your Wife Into a Nymphomaniac”. Of course I read each cover to cover and agreed with what they had to say.
The reason for me purchasing these eBooks is because me and my husband have not had the best sex life lately. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex ALL THE TIME. It was enjoyable for both of us. Over time, it decreased and decreased and now he is NOT a happy person about it.
I would like to have a better sex life as well.
Of course, my husband is trying to figure why I’m not sexual anymore. He accused me of not being attracted to him which is not the case. He told me that I needed to explore the real reasons I’m not sexual so that’s how I found your eBooks. I read them, highlighted the things that hit home to me and wrote comments about how I felt about some of the things in the eBooks. I asked him to read them because the eBooks said exactly what I have been trying to say to him all this time.
Needless to say, he absolutely hated the eBooks. He basically said and I quote: “I have some serious issues with these eBooks! They have some good points but a lot of really bad ones too. There are some things in here that I already do and I get no response from you. It’s really getting to me and making me upset. I think we have some major issues and I don’t think we can solve them. These eBooks make women seem like idiots that don’t know what they want and it seems that you have been tricked into doing what a man wants you to do. I’m sorry but I don’t want to have to trick you for the next 50 years. I’m not saying I can’t improve because I can. I’m just saying these eBooks are wack. I’m going to finish reading them though.”
I responded in a calm way be saying that it was ok for him to feel that way but the eBooks DO describe how women think in relationships. I told him I agreed with what the eBooks had to say and I told him he will not be tricking me because if he did what the eBooks say, I will automatically respond in a sexual way because of his actions.
He then points out that he buys me little gifts and give me massages and compliment me and he gets no response. I have to admit that he does these things, but they are done few and far between and like you said, when he does them I automatically think he wants sex. The fact that these things are not continued when he doesn’t get his desired response is because he is doing them because he wants something in return. I expressed that I want to feel like he does it out of love not just because he wants sex.
I guess I don’t have to tell you the entire dialogue, but you can feel where this led to, him not talking to me and me feeling like he doesn’t care enough for me to want to understand me.
I started to think that maybe I was a little too direct for him, especially with the highlighting and notes. I just wanted to tell him exactly how I felt. Maybe he thinks that I am blaming him for our sexual problems but that’s not the case. I too know that I have to work on things and to do that I purchased another eBook that is like this but for women to give men what they want (which talks about why sex is important, respect and things of that nature). I just feel like since I’m trying to educate myself about what men really want he should want to do the same.
What do I do when he doesn’t want to respond to your eBooks?” — Mrs. “Y”
Now, if you are a normal reader, then you are a married man. But, I am going to share my response to Mrs. “Y” verbatim…so that you are better able to “move over to the other side of the table” and consider things from YOUR wife’s perspective.
Here is my response to Mrs. “Y”…
Mrs. “Y”, let’s explore some of the things you have said in your email to me…ending with how to give your husband a chance to get his act together.
First of all, by the actions and effort that you are putting into your marriage Mrs. “Y”, I will say that you are most definitely a special, high-quality woman. There are a LOT of men who would LOVE to have a woman as positive and proactive as you are.
Second, I am going to be blunt: there is nothing wrong with your sexuality…or your sexual desire. The only thing that is wrong is you are not with a man who inspires you to share your sexuality with him.
If you were to find yourself with a man who did know how to inspire you…well, you would find yourself having sex (or wanting to have sex) “ALL THE TIME” again.
To elaborate, you are most likely having a hard time being sexually interested in your husband because of:
- His BIG interest in himself…and his LITTLE interest in you…except for sexually.
- His lack of MANLINESS…as evidenced by his blame-shifting and excuse-making.
- His lack of understanding and skills in leading a satisfying male/female relationship with you.
- His liberal-feminist perspective and orientation…as indicated by his response to my eBooks.
With regard to #4, NO wife will feel desire for a husband who is varying degrees of a feminist. She just will not!
Now, it is good for your husband to value and stand for equitable standards and opportunities across both sexes. But, when a husband sounds and acts like his wife’s man-hating, penis-envying feminist friends…when a husband resembles a feminist in any way…well, that IS going to turn off his wife sexually towards him…because he is going to seem more like an angry, bitter girlfriend than an appealing, desirable lover.
Next, if you are anything like a normal woman, then you are generally wired in a such a way that you predominately react to the man in your life. That is, you are generally wired to follow the lead of the man when it comes to your relationship with him.
Now, this is NOT a bad thing. Nor does this mean a woman is less than a man in any way.
It is a good thing because when a woman has a MAN who is doing the RIGHT things in relation to her…it frees her up to be the amazing, incredible, wonderful, spectacular lady that God created her to be…so that she can in turn create a reaction in her husband that frees him up to be the amazing, incredible, wonderful, spectacular man that God created him to be.
Specifically, as a woman you can EASILY be affectionate with and sexually attracted to a man who takes the lead and responsibility for creating a positive reaction in you towards him.
At the same time a normal woman is TURNED OFF by a man who does little to nothing to create a positive reaction in her towards him. And especially, she is turned off by a man who expects HER to do the leading and take the responsibility for the two of them having a satisfying relationship.
And of course, the kind of husbands we are talking about here are the same ones who fault, blame and accuse their wife for her LESSENING desire for him…not realizing…or in many cases…not accepting…that IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT FOR NOT STEPPING UP AND BEING A MAN who turns on their lady.
Now, if you reflect back to when you were dating, you will most likely recall that the man you are married to put effort into creating a positive reaction in you towards him.
But after he “had” you, he soon enough started putting less and less effort into creating a positive reaction in you towards him. Even worse, he most likely started taking you for granted. He most likely started acting like he was ENTITLED.
And now, it probably seems to you that he mostly cares about his interests…and you GIVING him whatever it is that he wants from you whenever he wants it…whether he has inspired or motivated you to give it to him or not.
And over time, it is getting harder and harder for you to “give” yourself to this kind of man.
Next, your husband “hated” my eBooks because they pointed out that HE is the one who needs to step up.
He wanted everything to be YOUR fault…he wanted YOU to be the problem…not him! And, my eBooks point out that HE is the one who needs to start doing things in a different way so that HE can start creating a more positive response in you towards him.
My eBooks pointed out how HE needed to grow and mature and develop and learn and implement…but that is not what he was expecting or wanting.
Consequently, the “best” excuse and blame-shift that he could come up with is that my materials “make women seem like idiots” who have to be “tricked” when in fact (just as you stated), my eBooks are spot on when it comes to what women want and need from a man in a relationship so that she can be attracted to him and sexually turned on by him.
To come at this from a different angle, your husband wanted you to solve the problem of HIM not getting enough sex from you. That is why he sent you off to “explore the real reasons you are not sexual anymore”.
In short, this relationship-laziness your husband exhibits is yet another reason why you find it hard to be sexual with him.
Bluntly, it IS hard to respect, admire, or desire a man who ultimately just wants you to give him what he wants…while he doesn’t have to do anything that he doesn’t want to do with you or for you.
Next, IF your husband was a REAL MAN, he would have responded with something like:
“Wow! I am amazed…and impressed…and super-pleased…I am REALLY glad that you want to be a “nymphomaniac wife” for me…that you have taken the initiative…and spent the money to help US improve our marriage and our relationship.
Now, I will be honest…these ideas are quite different from how I am used to thinking about things. This is totally different and unexpected.
But, I HEAR YOU telling me that this is how you think as a woman…that this describes what your needs are…and how you want your man to operate…that THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT AS A WOMAN.
SO, THANK YOU…and I am going to earnestly and diligently study these materials.
I will however ask that you help me…and be patient with me. I am sure it will take me a while to make the shifts and changes…it will take me a lot of practice…and probably I will slip back on occasion to my “old ways”. But, I will be MAN enough to receive your input/feedback that tells me I’ve “slipped”.
[Wife’s name], I love you! I want you to know that I think you are an incredibly special woman…and I am glad I am married to you…I am glad that you are my wife!“
IF your husband had of responded with something like this, I am quite certain that you would have JUMPED him right then and there…and probably the two of you would have had some of the most exciting, passionate lovemaking that you have had in years…if not ever.
Sadly, your husband did not MAN UP…and consequently, HE missed out on a HUGE opportunity to GET the very thing he says he wants.
And, he left you feeling even more turned off towards him and less hopeful about your relationship with him than what you were feeling before.
Moreover, not only did your husband not receive your message in a MANLY way…he then went into a NON-MANLY defensive frame where he started justifying himself by talking about the FEW elementary and basic things he is doing…and then condemning you YET AGAIN for your inability to be sexual with him.
Think about that…here he is…operating in a non-manly way…justifying his weak efforts…and giving you fresh criticism. But yet, he thinks he is just fine as a husband and that something is wrong with you for not wanting to be sexual with him.
His blindness to the turn-off that HE creates in you is quite remarkable, isn’t it?
Furthermore, he completely missed..or ignored…the point in my books that it is not WHAT you do nearly as much as it is the spirit, attitude, and intention that is behind what you do.
So, that is why your husband can do some of the simple things that you want and need…but if the right spirit, attitude, and intention is missing…then it will NOT work for you…as evidenced by the reaction that you are having towards him when he does do them.
In other words…just as you pointed out…it IS a huge turn-off to a woman when a man operates in a manipulative way…where he mostly ignores or belittles you…but suddenly he does certain “nice” things in order to get what he wants (sex).
Such a mode of operation is disgusting to any woman.
Then, your husband’s immaturity, neediness, insecurity, lack of development, and lack of masculinity…all the things that are turning you off and killing your desire for sex with him…was further evidenced by his “pouting” and “silent treatment” that he gave you. That is NOT how a MAN acts. That is how a spoiled little boy acts.
The other thing that is quite interesting is that your husband “defended” himself by saying he gives you gifts and massages…as if that is supposed to be all he has to do to turn you on towards him sexually.
Apparently, he was reading my eBooks from such a negative mindset that he blinded himself to the fact that I tell men straight up that buying gifts and giving massages is a BAD relationship strategy that at best does NOT work…and at worst, works AGAINST the husband.
It is also quite interesting that he had nothing to say about the far weightier and more important topics I cover in my eBooks…topics that actually relate to what a woman really wants from her man and what she needs from him in order to be turned on by him sexually.
And yet, he persists in his opinion and attitude that there is something wrong with YOU.
Now, let’s go to this…
No, you were NOT too direct with your husband. You said and did exactly what you should have done. And, as you go forward, here is EXACTLY what I suggest you tell him every time he raises the subject of relationship or sex:
“Husband-name, I WANT a man who I can trust and respect enough to be affectionate and sexual with him. I want a man who does the things that turn me on. And, I have given you the eBooks that explain EXACTLY what I want and need from you in order to feel these things.
I have completely opened myself up to you with total honesty and openness…which means you have a choice.
You can either honor me by studying, embracing, and applying these eBooks and the highlights I have made and the notes I have written…which will get us back to what we had in the beginning…and then take us beyond that into a relationship that is better than we have ever had before.
Or, you can dishonor me by ignoring, criticizing, and dissing these eBooks…and our marriage relationship will continue to deteriorate until I cannot take it anymore and must move on to another man who WILL do the things that turn me on.
My hope is that YOU will be the one who chooses to honor me instead of someone else.
My hope is that YOU will become the one who invokes sexual turn-on in me instead of some other man.“
Bottom line, you can only give your husband the input and the opportunity to make the shifts and improvements that will create the turned-on reaction in you towards him.
Beyond that, it is up to him to listen to you or ignore you.
And of course, it is up to you to decide what kind of man you will live with…and how long you will wait around on your husband…before you give up on him as a hopeless case who is never going to develop himself into an attractively-operating man for you.
Now, let’s come back to you the reader…
We started this article out with a question about what kinds of thoughts about sex your wife has relative to you.
But, now that you have read this wife’s email and my response to her…
And, considering your own most common style and manner of interacting and relating to your wife…
What kinds of thoughts about sex do you NOW think your wife has relative to you?
Are your wife’s thoughts about sex with you such that she wishes you would operate as a more appealing, desirable man so that she could actually have a positive sexual response towards you?
What should be clear to you at this point is that the typical wife’s thoughts about sex with her husband…and her ability to be sexual with her husband…are squelched and squashed BY HER HUSBAND!
In other words, the normal wife cannot have positive thoughts about sex with her husband because HE has said and done too many things in a way that has repelled her, repulsed her, and turned her off towards him.
And, when a wife is repulsed by her husband’s unattractive mode of operation, that leaves her in the position where:
- If she is a highly moral woman, then she cannot allow herself to have any thoughts about sex at all because it is too frustrating for her to want sex while being with a man whose mode of operation is such that the idea of being sexual with him is repulsive.
- She does her best to avoid thoughts about sex…while occupying her mind with children and/or other interests…so that she can avoid being sexual with her unattractive husband (unattractive because of his mode of operation) for as long as she can stand it.
- She has fantasy thoughts about sex with some other man (whether a man from real life or a man she conjures up in her mind) who operates in an attractive, appealing, desirable, and sexy way…as she frequently takes care of herself in private.
- She finds herself a lover on the side who has willingly developed himself into an attractively-operating man that she CAN give herself to sexually…and her thoughts about sex are directed at him.
- She starts planning and preparing to divorce her husband…so that she can go find herself a man who has a more attractive mode of operation…a man that she can have fun thinking thoughts about sex with him.
Having said the preceding, there is another option that ONLY YOU can invoke…and that is, YOU developing yourself into an attractively-operating man who your wife finds appealing, admirable, and desirable.
And here is the thing…you will KNOW your wife is thinking GOOD thoughts about sex towards you WHEN she is frequently hitting you up for sex.
That would be kind of nice, wouldn’t it?
But, it is up to you! YOU are the one in the driver’s seat. Whether your wife thinks good thoughts about sex with you…or not…is up to you!
Copyright 2017 by Calle Zorro
You may use this article on your own website AS IS…IF you include the following: “Copyright by Calle Zorro of www.MarriedAndHappy.com“