I don’t mean to do it…really, I don’t…but it seems to happen anyway…usually, right after I name nonsense for what it really is. For instance, a man recently said the following to me:
“I adore my wife. She is 100% perfect even if she is not because I LOVE HER! I tell her every day how much she means to me. I let her know exactly how I feel about her. Because I TRULY love her, I don’t have any expectation of my wife. When she is acting like a child, I don’t see any less of a woman than I did when we first met. It’s been several years now and I still feel the exact same way about her. If she argues with me, calls me names, thinks I’m stupid, etc…even though she’s the one who is acting like a child, I tend to see past it…never once calling her a single name or blaming it on her. And, I let her know that I don’t want to blame her for anything…that I just wish she would calm down and hear my side of the puzzle after letting her know that I do understand where she is coming from (I practice empathy as well as sympathy). The hard part is that even though I treat my wife this way, she doesn’t love me back. It would be really nice if just once in a while, my wife would show that she loves me and cares for me.”
Even though it happens all the time in my work, I still can’t help but be amazed when I encounter a man like this one. On one hand, as I quoted above, he’s telling me how much he loves his wife. On the other hand, he’s telling me how unhappy and miserable he is because his wife despises him, disrespects him, dishonors him, belittles him, is verbally and emotionally abusive to him, and REFUSES to be intimate with him in any way, shape, or form. Moreover, even though his wife gives him NOTHING, she FULLY EXPECTS him to give her ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wants plus more.
Do you recognize the mental and emotional contradiction and denial of truth?
Anyway, after this man told me his story, he asked me this question, “Is there a way I can FIX MY WIFE so that she will stop being the way she is and start loving me back?”
Therein lies the mental block to this man’s happiness…he believes it’s the case that there’s nothing wrong with him…that he’s doing everything just right…that there’s some problem in his wife…and if someone could just help him understand how to solve that problem…so that he could FIX HIS WIFE, then everything would be just the way HE wants it to be.
So, the first thing I tell a man like this is, “I have to shoot straight with you…you DO NOT love your wife…if you did, you would NOT put up with this kind of nonsense from her. Just as a responsible Dad does not let his children abuse other people, a loving husband does not let his wife abuse other people — himself included — either.”
The second thing I tell a man like this is, “At this time, there is nothing in your wife to fix. Right now, the only thing that needs fixing is YOU. After you get YOU fixed, THEN, there MIGHT be some things to fix in your wife.”
Now, this is when it usually happens…the man becomes quite offended and indignant…and exclaims something like, “You mean to tell me that even though I’m nice and loving to my wife…the reason she doesn’t love me back is because it’s something wrong with ME? That is absolute $%#$ #$%^#$! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!!!”
It’s the denial of truth issue again…mostly, men like this one REJECT what I tell them…and they just continue looking for a way to FIX THEIR WIFE…and I’ve followed up with enough of these men in my research efforts to know that their life continues to get more and more miserable and unhappy…and their wife generally starts cheating on them…and she gets caught…but because he “loves” her, he wants to work it all out…but the pain and anguish of knowing that she won’t be sexual with him but she will be sexual with other men torments his mind…and still, he just wants to know, “How can I fix my wife?”
Men like this one view their wife as having a problem…a problem that needs to be solved…and while they are trying to solve their “wife problem” they are BLIND to what CAUSES the problem…themselves.
The ironic thing is, if you were to talk to this man’s wife, she’d probably say there’s nothing wrong with her and that her husband is the one with the “problem”…and that’s why she acts and behaves the way she does.
The “problem” that the husband can’t see in himself, his wife can see it quite plainly…and she undeniably, indisputably RESPONDS and REACTS to what she sees in him.
And, the “problem” is that this man’s wife sees a man who has no self-respect. She sees a man who has no masculinity. She sees a man who is so unbelievably “needy” of her that he is repulsive. She sees a man who is so weak he won’t even stand up for himself — and therefore he DESERVES to be USED and ABUSED.
All of these things work together in the mind of this man’s wife such that she sees him as GROSS…his very touch feels GROSS…and that’s why she can’t be sexual with him…that’s why she doesn’t even want to kiss him on the lips.
And all the while, the guy thinks he’s being a loving husband.
But, his wife’s still a highly sexual being…she still craves sex…regardless of what she tells her husband…and that’s why she eventually either cheats on her husband or divorces him and goes to another man.
This is why I tell men like this one that THEY are the one who needs FIXING…THEY are the one who needs to make some shifts in the way they think and operate…and when they make those shifts…when they FIX THEMSELVES, they generally find out that all the “problems” they thought their wife had magically disappear.
Copyright 2009 by Calle Zorro