Recently, a guy sent me the following:
“I have a question about my wife. What if the little things you do — that are just you — get on your wife’s nerves — even though you are supportive and caring and everything — and you still manage to get on her nerves or make her angry –and that causes her to lash out and start calling you names and belittling you — you know, the hurtful things that make you feel unwanted or not good enough?
What should I do then because I really love my wife and I just want her to want me?
By that, I mean I feel as If I need her to actually (want want) me and get the same look in her eyes as she did when we first met — the look that gave me confidence and the look that made me feel like a movie star in her eyes. That’s what I am (craving) from her.
I do a lot of things to take care of her — I rub her feet, I want to spend time with her, if she tells me to do something for her I do it.
I LOVE her you know. I am always there for her emotionally but she never opens up to me.
I don’t know what to do because if I think these things she tells me, “There you go again…making something out of nothing…”
But, I just can’t help the way I feel…my feelings have never let me down before why should they now.
I don’t get that hot spark — that lustful passion and longing in her eyes — like I could do no wrong and have her actually believe it like she used to.
The thing is I need that back in order to feel like I can keep doing the things I’m doing for her out of love now. I do it all because I want to.
I just want her to feel the same way — I want her to want me because she wants to — not because she’s obligated or that I mention it so she has to…you know?
I need my efforts to be worth something — worth it period.
How do I make her see what she is doing without making it look like I’m complaining about her and how do I get her to want me like she did in the beginning like no other man could do what I can whatsoever?
That’s the way I see her — like no other could do — and the passion in my eyes are always on her. But, she doesn’t see it and when she gets a glimpse of it, she says I’m just a pervert.
I don’t know what to do! I just want that closeness back– emotional closeness and physical. I want her to want me as much as I want only her — and want to be with her.
Any answers?”
Can’t you just feel the cry of this guy’s heart as you read his story?
Maybe, the cry of your heart…maybe your story…is very similar, yes?
Ok, to get us pointed towards some answers, let’s first simplify this guy’s story down to his basic questions:
- How do I get my wife to want me like I want her?
- How do I get that closeness with my wife back that we used to have?
Second, let’s list out some things we know about this guy from his story:
- His wife makes him feel unwanted and not good enough.
- He wants his wife to give him confidence.
- He wants his wife to make him feel like a movie star.
- He wants his wife to show lustful passion and longing in her eyes towards him.
- He wants his wife to think he could do no wrong.
- He wants to make his wife see things his way and do things his way.
- He needs his wife to let him know his efforts are worth something.
- He needs his wife to think that he’s a man who is superior to all other men…and he needs a strong assurance from her that this is how she REALLY and TRULY thinks.
Third, let’s list out three words this guy uses again and again:
- Make
- Want
- Need
Are you starting to understand why this guy’s wife is moving away from him?
Are you starting to understand why this guy’s wife has lost her attraction for him…why the spark and the longing are gone?
Are you starting to understand why this guy’s wife is irritated at him and angry with him?
Just to make sure you are, let’s start back at the top…
First, we could accurately recast this guy’s questions as, “How do I get my wife to be infatuated with me again so that I can feel good about myself?”
Consider this…what does it tell you when a guy wants his wife to think that he can “do no wrong” and he wants her to “actually believe it like she used to”?
Moreover, what does it tell you about this guy when, “if she tells me to do something for her I do it.”
Well, I can tell you what it tells his wife…it tells her that her husband hasn’t matured into manhood…that state of maleness that’s characterized by manliness, masculinity, maturity, independence, confidence, directness, autonomy, personal responsibility, and leadership.
It tells her that her husband still has the mindset of a teenage adolescent who’s incapable of giving a WOMAN what she wants from her MAN.
Second, as we look at what we know about this guy we can see that in relation to his wife, he is characterized by lack of confidence, insecurity, neediness, weakness, and fearfulness.
These are NOT traits that a woman is drawn and attracted to!
Third, as we look at this guy’s “hot-words”, we can see the underlying need to force and control his wife by his frequent use of the word “make”.
A man who is attractive doesn’t try to MAKE anyone do anything. Moreover, he doesn’t even want to MAKE someone do something. Rather, he DOES things that CAUSE other people to WANT to do mutually enjoyable things with him.
Undoubtedly, by the way this guy uses the word “want” his mode of operation is one of constantly trying to GET his wife to GIVE him what he wants…and he’s using the worn-out strategy that women find disgusting, sickening, and repulsive…the strategy of “I’m going to be super-nice to you and do all kinds of good and nice things for you…so that you’ll give me what I want from you.”
Just in case you didn’t catch it…when a guy has an ulterior motive behind everything he does, it is NOT attractive to a woman!
And, from this guy’s use of the word “need”, we can tell that he has a seriously EXTERNAL reference…one that needs other people to like him, approve of him, and pedestal him so that he can feel good about himself…so that he can be ok. He’s needy and women move AWAY from needy “projects” FAST!
Now, lets come at this from a different angle…imagine for a moment that this man’s story was his profile on a dating site. How do you think women would respond to this man’s profile?
Well, just in case you aren’t sure, I can tell you that this kind of guy turns a woman off at her very core. This kind of man disgusts and repulses a woman at the very depth of her being. That’s why this guy’s wife is responding and reacting to him the way she is.
Now, this doesn’t mean this guy is a bad person…it just means that he needs to learn some important lessons about himself and his wife. And, when this guy learns these lessons, his wife will then have the kind of response and reaction towards him that he’s wanting her to have.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro
I think that you are looking at this story from one side and one side only. I can completely see your point if the man was not talking about his wife, but a girlfriend. The fact that this man is talking about his wife and uses words like “used to” means to me he has not changed, but his wife’s reactions or lack there of to his actions is now lacking when it used to be there. Sure this man might want to be needed, but show me one person in one relationship that does not want to be needed? That is the whole point right? Why else would you dedicate your life to someone and choose to have children and raise a family if you did not feel like you needed that other person to be better and help achieve your goal. Now back to the husband who wants his wife to need him again. I think you might be correct that psychology would point to the fact this husband has issues of his own, but what if this wife was just taking advantage of the situation? Maybe taking advantage of is not the right word, but simply used to and expects. Lets face it, once you are married things get a little repetative. Throw a kid in the mix and now you are just trying to keep things going in the right direction. If that wife is a working mom with 2 kids I could completely understand her lack of passion. I can see her wanting sex when she feels like it, but the desire to please her man is out the window once you add the term family. The male on the other hand is like a teenage kid who wants a girlfriend so he can get laid whenever he can. The part most males miss and for sure this one does is now that he has her, he does not need to try so hard. Of course based on what you pointed out this goes back to the husbands issues of needed to be wanted, so he has a desire to want and lust for his wife. No one is that one sided on an emotion to need that affection so bad, yet they show no affection themselves… the golden rule, do unto others as you wish they do unto you. I would say it is more a theory then a motto.
Also, if you have ever been in a position in life where a woman or women have lusted for you. They tried so hard to get your attention and wanted nothing more then to please you. Nothing can compare to that feeling, it is a high that is hard to recreate. All I am saying is that there are two sides to every story and although you paint the picture of the needy husband, this could easily be the hard working wife that is just stuck in a rut and the husband has tried everything to make her feel special and wanted, but when it comes to him it is just same old same old, yet she might not even see it that way until the situation is truely examined from both sides.