Calle, my wife cheated on me. And now, she is leaving me to be with the other man. I have been a good husband, a good father, and a good provider so her actions don’t make sense to me. Could you please give me some insight into why she is doing this?
First, I will say this: my heart goes out to any man whose wife has cheated on him. For most men, there is nothing more hurtful…there is nothing that cuts more deeply…there is nothing more infuriating and embarrassing…than finding out, “My wife cheated on me.”
Second, every married man needs to understand that wives…who are mostly good women…do in fact cheat on their husband…even when their husband is mostly a good man!
Think about that for as long as it takes you to understand that being a “good man” is not always enough to protect your marriage from infidelity.
Tragically, there have been many husbands…who in a moment of shocking discovery…went from “good man” to “My wife cheated on me.”
With that, let’s come back to the main question…when a wife cheats on her husband…when a wife leaves her husband to be with another man…why does she do that?
Is it because she is a bad woman who is corrupt, evil, wayward, treacherous, and adulterous? Is it because she is a flawed woman without a moral compass, proper values, or decency?
Is it because her husband does not please her sexually? Is it because her husband is inadequate as a lover…while the other man is a superior lover?
Is it because the other man is significantly more attractive…by reason of his physical appearance, social standing, and/or financial status?
Well, if these questions were mostly always true in infidelity cases, then “My wife cheated on me” would make sense as a logical outcome.
But, here is what 20+ years of interacting and dealing with a large number of marriage relationships has taught me about why a wife cheats on her husband…
Yes, there are rare cases where the cheating wife truly is just an evil woman who is morally and principally bankrupt.
Yes, there are rare cases where a wife cheats because she is fed up with a husband who will not bother or concern himself with being a good lover…so she is out looking for a man who does care about being a good lover.
Yes, there are rare cases where a wife cheats because the other man is substantially more attractive in terms of his physical appearance, social position, and/or his financial means.
But in most cases, a cheating wife is mostly a good woman. In fact, in spite of their cheating, many cheating wives are morally against marital infidelity.
In most cases, the husband is a fine lover. In fact, many cheating wives have admitted that their husband was actually a better lover than the other man.
In most cases, the other man is no more attractive than the husband. In fact, in multiple people’s opinion, the husband is commonly better looking than the other man.
In most cases, the other man is no better off socially or financially than the husband. In fact, it is frequently the case that the husband is substantially better off both socially and financially compared to the other man.
But, for the defrauded husband, the fact remains: “My wife cheated on me.”
So, why does a wife cheat on her husband…especially if she is mostly a good woman and her husband is mostly a good man?
Here’s why: the husband did not adequately invoke in his wife the specific kinds of feelings that she craves to experience on an ongoing basis with a CERTAIN KIND of man.
And, because he did not adequately invoke in her the exact kinds of feelings and connection that she craved with him, he soon enough found out, “My wife cheated on me.”
Let’s go deeper…
On one side of a normal marriage, the husband wants lots of sex with his wife.
On the other side of a normal marriage, the wife wants a deep, intimate, and very sexual connection with her husband.
Of course, given how not-very-sexual their wife is with them, it is hard for many husbands to believe this. But, believe it or not, this is absolutely true!
The problem is that the normal wife needs her husband to be a certain kind of man…who operates in a certain kind of way…who has a certain kind of essence and presence…who has a certain set of relationship skills…such that he understands her…such that he can lead, handle, and manage her…and such that he opens her up sexually and invokes sexual turn-on in her towards him…before she can be affectionate, intimate, and sexual with him.
For the sake of emphasis and clarity, I will repeat…
A normal wife wants a deep, intimate, and very sexual connection with her husband. However, before she can surrender into enjoying this kind of connection with him, she needs him to be a certain kind of man…with a certain kind of essence and presence…with a certain set of male/female relationship skills…so that he is able to take her into…and to invoke in her…the amorous feelings and connection that she craves with a man.
A wife needs her husband to be this certain kind of man because she can only open up, go into, express, and share affection, intimacy, and sex when her husband is an attractively-operating man with an attractive essence who can consistently and reliably take her into…and invoke in her…the amorous feelings and connection that she craves with a man.
Now, there are some super important implications in what I just said that you really need to understand as a husband…
In and of itself, taking your wife out on regular dates is not enough to give her the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, frequently telling your wife that you love her…or frequently writing her love notes…or sending her loving text messages…is not enough to give her the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, being super nice to your wife…and giving her lots of interest and attention…is not enough to give her the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, buying lots of things for your wife…or taking her on expensive trips…is not enough to give her the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, doing the bulk of the household chores and tasks for your wife is not enough to give her the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, being a physically handsome man is not enough to give your wife the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
In and of itself, being a socially or financially successful man is not enough to give your wife the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to experience with a man.
Now, I know that what I have just stated probably defies everything that you think you know about making your wife happy. So, let’s prove that what I am saying is true.
Imagine for a moment that day in and day out, your wife is a nasty, stinking, disgusting, repulsive, and sickening woman. REALLY imagine your wife as something that is truly disgusting, repulsive, and sickening to you. Now, consider these questions:
- If your disgusting wife took you out on dates…would that change how you felt about her?
- If your disgusting wife wrote you lots of love notes…and sent you lots of loving text messages…would that change how you felt about her?
- If your disgusting wife was super nice to you…and gave you lots of attention and interest…would that change how you felt about her?
- If your disgusting wife bought lots of things for you…or if she wanted to take you on expensive trips…would that change how you felt about her?
- If your disgusting wife took care of every household chore and task…would that change how you felt about her?
- If your disgusting wife was very successful in her job and career…would that change how you felt about her?
Well obviously, IF your wife was truly a disgusting, repulsive woman…then no amount of dates, love-notes, niceness, attention, gifts, trips, chore-work, or career-success is going to change how disgusting and repulsive she is to you.
Obviously, IF your wife was truly a disgusting, repulsive woman, you would NOT want to be affectionate, intimate, or sexual with her…and no amount of dates, love-notes, niceness, attention, gifts, trips, chore-work, or career-success is going to change that.
That brings us to this…
For the normal husband, it is mostly his wife’s looks and appearance that determines whether he finds his wife attractive or repulsive.
But, for the normal wife, it is mostly her husband’s “essence” and his “mode of operation” that determines whether she finds her husband attractive or repulsive.
Moreover, the normal husband has done little to nothing to develop himself in leading, handling, managing, or understanding his wife…which means he has an “essence” and “mode of operation” that his wife finds repulsive.
This is why even a handsome husband…who is highly successful in his career…who buys his wife lots of things…who takes his wife on dates…who takes his wife on expensive trips…who does lots of household chores…can suddenly finds himself face-to-face with the shocking reality, “My wife cheated on me.”
In list form, a wife cheats on her husband because:
- He is undeveloped, inept, immature, and awkward in the area of male/female relationships.
- His “mode of operation” is repulsive.
- He is not that “certain kind of man” that she craves being with.
- He does not have that “essence” or “presence” that invokes turn-on and desire in her towards him.
- He fails to regularly take her into the amorous feelings and connection that she craves to feel with a man.
It is for all of these reasons, that a wife will decide to step outside of her marriage…in hopes that she will be able to get all of these feelings that she is craving with some other man. (Of course, her husband eventually finds out and is left feeling the surreal horror of, “My wife cheated on me.”)
Sadly for everyone involved, what a wife almost always finds out…after she gets past the temporary thrill of new, different, exciting, and taboo…is that the other man (or men) that she stepped out with are even less able to give her what she is craving than her husband was. But of course now, she has lost her marriage, family, and many friends…and her life is scarred, marred, complicated, and demeaned because of her choices and actions.
But, be that as it may…here is what every husband better keep clear in his mind: “If my wife is not getting from me what she craves to experience with a man, then the odds are high that she will go try to get what she craves from some other man.”
Like a normal child wants and goes to candy, a normal woman wants and goes to good relationship feelings and connection with a certain kind of man.
Moreover, a normal woman so wants these amorous feelings and connection with a certain kind of man that no matter how inappropriate or destructive the situation is that she steps into, she will justify it, excuse it, condone it…and will typically criticize and blame her husband the whole time.
Why does a wife blame her husband for HER infidelity and betrayal?
Well, she blames HIM because no matter how much she tried to communicate with him…no matter how many times she tried to tell him certain things…the matter how much she bitched and complained…no matter how many fights and arguments they had…HE was the one who REFUSED to DEVELOP himself into that certain kind of man who she could have a positive, romantic, turned-on, sexual response to.
So, in HER mind, it is HIS fault that she had to wreck their marriage and lives just so she could have a chance at experiencing the amorous feelings and connection that she was craving to enjoy with a certain kind of man.
Regardless of whose fault it is, it doesn’t change the pain that a husband feels after finding out, “My wife cheated on me.”
That brings us to this…
- Relative to your marriage, it is a dangerous thing to be a husband who lacks the presence and essence that invokes desire and turn-on in your wife towards you.
- Likewise, it is a dangerous thing to be a husband who lacks the male/female relationship skills that stimulate and attract your wife to you.
Your wife craves a husband who IS a certain kind of man…
Your wife craves a man who has a certain kind of presence and essence…
Your wife craves a man who has a certain set of relationship skills…
Your wife craves a man who has a deep understanding of her…
Your wife craves BEING WITH this kind of man because it is THIS KIND OF MAN who opens her up and takes her into the deep, intimate, and sexual connection that she wants to enjoy with her man.
And ultimately, you either ARE this certain kind of man who provides and invokes the amorous feelings and connection in your wife towards you…
…or, you are foolishly putting your wife in a pressurized position where one of two bad things is highly likely to happen:
- By failing to provide your wife with the amorous feelings and connection that she desires and craves, she is increasingly tempted to go find another man who can and will give her the amorous feelings and connection she wants to enjoy with a man. Or…
- When some scoundrel of a guy recognizes how hungry your wife is for the amorous feelings and connection that she craves…and he swoops in and starts offering and promising her what she is craving…well, she is going to be weak and you can easily guess what is most likely going to happen next.
(As a side note that fits here, do not give ever knowingly give another man the chance to give your wife amorous feelings and connection…or you will surely get to suffer for having been so foolish…you will surely get to listen in horror as the words, “My wife cheated on me” play over and over in your mind.)
So, to sum it up…
Why does a wife cheat on her husband? In short, she cheats because her husband is not being the kind of man…or he is not doing the kinds of things…or both…that cause her to feel attraction, affection, and desire towards him.
It is as simple and complex as that.
Now, if you are that “My wife cheated on me” man…
And, you are wondering what you are supposed to do…and where you are supposed to go from here…then I have good news for you:
You CAN develop that presence and essence that invokes attraction, desire, and turn-on in a woman towards you.
You CAN acquire the male/female relationship skills that are necessary for you to be able to persistently and consistently take a woman into feeling attraction, desire, and turn-on towards you.
Now, why should you develop this presence or acquire these skills at this point…especially if you have already found out that, “My wife cheated on me”?
Well, if your plan is to move on with your life…and to leave your cheating wife behind…then developing this presence and acquiring these skills would mean you can go into your next relationship with the certainty that you will never again find yourself shell-shocked from discovering, “My wife cheated on me.”
On the other hand, if you would like to save and keep your marriage…then developing this presence and acquiring these skills would give you the highest chance of wooing, attracting, and winning your wife back to you.
If either of these options is what you want, then here is what you need:
This is precisely what you need to move beyond, “My wife cheated on me” and into “My wife is faithful and loyal to me.”
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro