Over and over husbands call me up and tell me, “I cannot get my wife in the mood for sex. I regularly give her the touches that the experts say should work but it just doesn’t work with her. At this point, I am starting to believe that I made a huge mistake and married a completely non-sexual woman.”
Well, let’s have a closer look at what these guys are talking about and what is going on.
Some years back, scientists discovered that females have a hormone called oxytocin that is primarily involved in two female reproductive functions: childbirth and breast-feeding.
With regard to breast-feeding, scientists found that after a woman gives birth, a baby’s nuzzling on her nipple stimulates and releases the oxytocin hormone into her body which in turn results in milk coming in.
As scientists continued their research, they found that touching a woman in general can raise her oxytocin levels…and that when her oxytocin levels are elevated, she feels a higher sense of being loved and connected.
Eventually, marriage counselors found out about this discovery and they started telling husbands that if they would touch or hug their wife for 30 seconds it would raise her oxytocin levels…which would in turn help her feel more loved and connected…which by extension would help her feel more in the mood for sex.
That brings us to today. At this point, most husband have heard about this “touch your wife into the mood” seduction strategy…and they really believe in this strategy because it is backed by science…and anything backed by science is usually appealing to the typical logic-oriented male mind that wants a reliable method for getting a job done.
Consequently, there are husbands everywhere who are aggressively working to raise their wife’s oxytocin levels by constantly IMPOSING a 30 second hug or touch onto her…in hopes that she will start to feel more in the mood for sex.
Some of these guys are giving their wife so many touches and hugs…trying to get a positive result…i.e. sex…that they are nearly wearing off their wife’s exposed skin cells faster than she can grow them.
Unfortunately for most of these husbands, their touches do not work. No matter how hard they work at giving their wife little 30 second touches and hugs, they are rarely ever able to get her in the mood for sex.
Or if it does work, it is obvious that the wife isn’t really into having sex.
So, why isn’t this touch-strategy working for men?
What is the problem?
Well, here is what these husbands do not understand: oxytocin levels will only increase when a woman has a neutral or positive mindset towards the person touching her. In contrast, when a woman has a negative mindset towards the person giving her a touch, her body works in reverse…that is, her body LOWERS its oxytocin levels…and she feels MORE UN-loved and DIS-connected.
Now, guess what?
The typical wife has a negative mindset towards her husband…which is precisely why when he is trying to touch her into the mood for sex, it is common for her to blow up on him for “bothering” her and for “always wanting sex”.
On one side of the relationship, the husband is operating from the premise of, “I want to get my wife in the mood for sex…and for that to happen, I need to raise her oxytocin levels…and scientists say that a 30-second hug or touch will raise her oxytocin levels…so here I come wife…I’m going to give you (IMPOSE UPON YOU) a 30-second hug so I can get you to give me what I want from you.”
On the other side of the relationship, the wife is thinking and feeling, “Get away from me husband! I don’t want your touch. I don’t want to get into the mood to be sexual with you. And, I don’t want you trying to get me in the mood for sex with you.”
Now, why is there such a difference between the husband and the wife?
Well, here is what I can assure you of: the problem is NOT that the wife is non-sexual.
The problem is NOT that the wife does not want sex…because she definitely does.
The problem is that no normal woman wants to be touched by a male that she is not attracted to…even if that male is her husband.
A wife can want…and even demand…the security and provision that her husband offers. A wife can want…and even expect…her husband to buy things for her and do things for her. But independent of these wants, demands, and expectations…if a wife is not attracted to to her husband because of how he thinks, behaves, and operates, then she will rarely want him touching her and she will rarely be willing to be sexual with him.
On the husband’s side…because he is still attracted to his wife…because he still desires her sexually…and because she still tells him that she loves him…it never occurs to him that she is NOT attracted to him…so not-attracted in fact, that she has lost most of her willingness and desire to be sexual with him.
So, what should a husband do?
How does he fix his situation?
Well, the solution is NOT to get rid of his wife and find himself another woman…because things won’t work out any better for him with the next woman either. It won’t work out for him because any woman he is with will eventually end up responding to HIM in more or less the same way.
Moreover, the solution is NOT to try to touch his wife even more than he has in the past. Doing more of what is already not working…doing more of what is already creating a bad situation…is not going to make the relationship any better.
The solution is two-fold:
- A husband must get out of the frame of mind, “How do I get my wife in the mood for sex?” When a husband is unattractive to his wife, this frame of mind will only cause his wife to move even farther away from him and to close herself off to him even more.
- The husband must get into the mode of, “What do I need to LEARN and CHANGE within myself…so that I become attractive enough to my wife that she resumes wanting to be sexual with me?”
In short, STOP grappling with the problem of, “How do I get my wife in the mood for sex?” and START learning how to be an attractively-operating MAN who knows how to create attraction and desire in his wife towards him.
Copyright 2018 by Calle Zorro