<![CDATA[Married And Happy Discussion Forum - All Forums]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/ Sun, 05 Feb 2012 06:16:31 +0000 MyBB <![CDATA[You don't get it!]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1831 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:40:05 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1831
You don't get it!

When you think it's OK to go three days without a shave and a
shower;

You don't get it!

When she left you in charge of the kids and she caught you napping
and the young'uns are off crayol'ing the whole place;

You don't get it!

Seriously sir...You will learn to get it.

Sit by the fireside and chat with us.]]>
You don't get it!

When you think it's OK to go three days without a shave and a
shower;

You don't get it!

When she left you in charge of the kids and she caught you napping
and the young'uns are off crayol'ing the whole place;

You don't get it!

Seriously sir...You will learn to get it.

Sit by the fireside and chat with us.]]> <![CDATA[Any interest in something like this?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1827 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 05:41:26 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1827 (02-01-2012 05:40 PM)CalleZorro Wrote:  In my view of the world, the solution is for a man to have MALE CONFIDANTES that he is close to and that he can trust.
(02-02-2012 01:22 PM)come2pappy Wrote:  I use this forum as one of my "male confidants"

Some men are in an environment and circumstances where they have no male friends they can trust enough to confide in. For some men, this forum is their only place where they can open up and talk about sensitive matters. In other cases, men have friends they believe they could trust...but still, they just do not want to open up about sensitive matters to those who know them well...and so this forum is their only "outlet" as well.

To this end, here are some questions for you:

1. Are there in fact enough men here in this forum who would like and enjoy being a part of a more formalized, higher contact, "confidante group"...where time is regularly set aside and devoted to the "confidante group"...where men have the opportunity to talk about whatever is on their mind with other members of their "confidante group"?

2. If yes, (whether high-tech or low-tech,) how could we better serve this need?

3. Or, is the informal approach of private PM's and messages and the occasional phone call between "buddies" already serving the need well enough?

What do you think? What do you want? How can we make this a more valuable place for you? What are your ideas?]]> (02-01-2012 05:40 PM)CalleZorro Wrote:  In my view of the world, the solution is for a man to have MALE CONFIDANTES that he is close to and that he can trust.
(02-02-2012 01:22 PM)come2pappy Wrote:  I use this forum as one of my "male confidants"

Some men are in an environment and circumstances where they have no male friends they can trust enough to confide in. For some men, this forum is their only place where they can open up and talk about sensitive matters. In other cases, men have friends they believe they could trust...but still, they just do not want to open up about sensitive matters to those who know them well...and so this forum is their only "outlet" as well.

To this end, here are some questions for you:

1. Are there in fact enough men here in this forum who would like and enjoy being a part of a more formalized, higher contact, "confidante group"...where time is regularly set aside and devoted to the "confidante group"...where men have the opportunity to talk about whatever is on their mind with other members of their "confidante group"?

2. If yes, (whether high-tech or low-tech,) how could we better serve this need?

3. Or, is the informal approach of private PM's and messages and the occasional phone call between "buddies" already serving the need well enough?

What do you think? What do you want? How can we make this a more valuable place for you? What are your ideas?]]> <![CDATA[My son is learning the differences between a man and a woman]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1820 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:26:51 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1820 <![CDATA[What "label" do you give yourself?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1816 Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:08:13 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1816 "sometimes I like to observe people."

As a matter of fact, I find human behavior fascinating. Although,
scary at times.

Recently, I was out to dinner with my wife and oldest son.

It was a cozy atmosphere and the dining tables were somewhat
close together but not too close that it was uncomfortable.

Well, as our waiter was taking our order, three young woman
were seated at a table just across from me, behind where my
son was sitting. I would guess there age around mid-to-late
twenties.

They were quickly engaged in lively conversation.

During the lull in the talk at our table between my son and wife,
snippets of conversation would drift over to my ear.

I clearly heard one of the girls say,"I'm not the affectionate type!"

Well, it got me thinking about what happened in that young women's life
for her to say;

"I'm not the affectionate type."

My point is that we each have to be careful of what label we give
to ourselves.

If you consider yourself as someone who can't give affection,
you may draw the same type of person to YOU!

My thoughts are that we learn how to love when we are children.
But as we grow older, through the pain inflicted by others, we
draw back on giving affection.

The beautiful thing about Calle Zorro's program of Married and Happy is that real men learn to stop hurting the woman they love so that their
women can open up and be affectionate again.

I am not paid to say these things but I do emphatically endorse
Married and Happy.]]> "sometimes I like to observe people."

As a matter of fact, I find human behavior fascinating. Although,
scary at times.

Recently, I was out to dinner with my wife and oldest son.

It was a cozy atmosphere and the dining tables were somewhat
close together but not too close that it was uncomfortable.

Well, as our waiter was taking our order, three young woman
were seated at a table just across from me, behind where my
son was sitting. I would guess there age around mid-to-late
twenties.

They were quickly engaged in lively conversation.

During the lull in the talk at our table between my son and wife,
snippets of conversation would drift over to my ear.

I clearly heard one of the girls say,"I'm not the affectionate type!"

Well, it got me thinking about what happened in that young women's life
for her to say;

"I'm not the affectionate type."

My point is that we each have to be careful of what label we give
to ourselves.

If you consider yourself as someone who can't give affection,
you may draw the same type of person to YOU!

My thoughts are that we learn how to love when we are children.
But as we grow older, through the pain inflicted by others, we
draw back on giving affection.

The beautiful thing about Calle Zorro's program of Married and Happy is that real men learn to stop hurting the woman they love so that their
women can open up and be affectionate again.

I am not paid to say these things but I do emphatically endorse
Married and Happy.]]> <![CDATA[Suffering from ED]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1807 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 08:52:40 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1807
I am suffering from ED. Do any of you have any solutions? I am having some issues with taking vagra. Suggestions?

Roger Willing]]>
I am suffering from ED. Do any of you have any solutions? I am having some issues with taking vagra. Suggestions?

Roger Willing]]> <![CDATA[Movie: Crazy, Stupid Love]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1769 Wed, 04 Jan 2012 12:12:07 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1769

Jkalplus1]]>

Jkalplus1]]> <![CDATA[Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1754 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:38:20 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1754
If we have learned anything ... if we have developed ourselves into a bigger, better person ... if our awareness has been expanded ... if we have served, helped, or blessed even one person, then 2011 has been a good year for us.

For those of you who have been developing and improving your attractiveness and manliness for a while, 2011 has probably been one of the best years of your life ... and the prospects for next year are even better.

For those of you who have just begun developing and improving your attractiveness and manliness, 2011 may have felt like the worst year of your life. But all is well ... before you know it, you will have learned, worked, and developed yourself into the circumstances, conditions, and situations that you WANT to be in with a wonderful lady.

But, regardless of what level you are on, take a moment to feel proud of yourself for what you have learned and for the improvements you have made. Yes, you want more ... I understand that ... but pause for right now and just be proud of yourself for the progress you have made over the past weeks and months. And as you do this, I am sure you will see that you have actually accomplished a lot already.

To each one of you, I want you to know that I respect and appreciate you. I am thankful that our paths have come together. It has been a pleasure interacting with you in this forum. My life is blessed because of you ... and I trust that your life has been blessed because of me.

I cannot say it too much, I count it a honor to associate and collaborate with men like you ... men who are high-quality, high-caliber, and high-value ... men who want to be their best and who want to enjoy the very best in life that God has for them. I LIKE hanging out with guys like you! And, I mean that from the depths of my heart.

To you "senior" guys who have been with me for a while, THANK YOU for your contributions. YOU ARE what makes this forum a FANTASTIC place for men. I hope you understand how immensely helpful, beneficial, and appreciated your posts are. Everyone here appreciates you taking the time to share your experience and learning.

For those of you with a wife and children, find ways to BLESS your wife and children during this Holiday season. Set aside all that you want ... and all that you want to be different for just a week or two ... and just devote yourself to being a blessing without any thought of gain or recompense. Just be that cheerful giver.

For those of you who are without a spouse during this Holiday season, my heart and prayer is with you. I KNOW how it feels ... God gave me 5 years of being alone between my first wife and my second wife ... just so I WOULD know how you feel and what it is like. And I can promise you, it WILL NOT always be this way. But for now, avoid thinking about what you are missing or what could be and redirect your mind towards imagining what it will be like when the woman that's for you shows up in your life. Similarly, set aside the thoughts about what you do not have and focus your attention and energy upon that which you do have ... and there IS something that you do have ... perhaps it is your children ... or perhaps it is close family or friends.

Having said this, I do wish there was some way I could bring together those of you who are without a spouse during these holidays so that they could be a little more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I don't know of a practical way to do that.

I'll close with this...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I look forward to all the good that 2012 has for us ... and I look forward to sharing 2012 with you.

Warmly,
Calle

PS: I am going to take off through New Year's to do some traveling with my family. And, I will mostly be unavailable during that time. But, when I get back, I will catch up on the threads here in the forum that I haven't responded to yet.]]>
If we have learned anything ... if we have developed ourselves into a bigger, better person ... if our awareness has been expanded ... if we have served, helped, or blessed even one person, then 2011 has been a good year for us.

For those of you who have been developing and improving your attractiveness and manliness for a while, 2011 has probably been one of the best years of your life ... and the prospects for next year are even better.

For those of you who have just begun developing and improving your attractiveness and manliness, 2011 may have felt like the worst year of your life. But all is well ... before you know it, you will have learned, worked, and developed yourself into the circumstances, conditions, and situations that you WANT to be in with a wonderful lady.

But, regardless of what level you are on, take a moment to feel proud of yourself for what you have learned and for the improvements you have made. Yes, you want more ... I understand that ... but pause for right now and just be proud of yourself for the progress you have made over the past weeks and months. And as you do this, I am sure you will see that you have actually accomplished a lot already.

To each one of you, I want you to know that I respect and appreciate you. I am thankful that our paths have come together. It has been a pleasure interacting with you in this forum. My life is blessed because of you ... and I trust that your life has been blessed because of me.

I cannot say it too much, I count it a honor to associate and collaborate with men like you ... men who are high-quality, high-caliber, and high-value ... men who want to be their best and who want to enjoy the very best in life that God has for them. I LIKE hanging out with guys like you! And, I mean that from the depths of my heart.

To you "senior" guys who have been with me for a while, THANK YOU for your contributions. YOU ARE what makes this forum a FANTASTIC place for men. I hope you understand how immensely helpful, beneficial, and appreciated your posts are. Everyone here appreciates you taking the time to share your experience and learning.

For those of you with a wife and children, find ways to BLESS your wife and children during this Holiday season. Set aside all that you want ... and all that you want to be different for just a week or two ... and just devote yourself to being a blessing without any thought of gain or recompense. Just be that cheerful giver.

For those of you who are without a spouse during this Holiday season, my heart and prayer is with you. I KNOW how it feels ... God gave me 5 years of being alone between my first wife and my second wife ... just so I WOULD know how you feel and what it is like. And I can promise you, it WILL NOT always be this way. But for now, avoid thinking about what you are missing or what could be and redirect your mind towards imagining what it will be like when the woman that's for you shows up in your life. Similarly, set aside the thoughts about what you do not have and focus your attention and energy upon that which you do have ... and there IS something that you do have ... perhaps it is your children ... or perhaps it is close family or friends.

Having said this, I do wish there was some way I could bring together those of you who are without a spouse during these holidays so that they could be a little more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I don't know of a practical way to do that.

I'll close with this...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I look forward to all the good that 2012 has for us ... and I look forward to sharing 2012 with you.

Warmly,
Calle

PS: I am going to take off through New Year's to do some traveling with my family. And, I will mostly be unavailable during that time. But, when I get back, I will catch up on the threads here in the forum that I haven't responded to yet.]]> <![CDATA[I'm not getting results...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1716 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:51:17 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1716
Frequently, during the first few months of coming into this program...a man is essentially still operating in the same way as before...he is still operating in HIS OLD way...except he has made things a little better by improving some things that he is comfortable with...which again, is usually more or less all the stuff he was ALREADY doing right to some extent.

Make a note of this...

Dissatisfying results in a marriage relationship almost always stem from the things a husband is doing wrong...and from all the important things he's not doing because he's not comfortable with them...in relation to his wife.

Now, I understand that this doesn't feel very good because it puts a lot of "blame" on the husband...but the fact remains...take any woman in the world...no matter how non-affectionate, non-sexual, or non-whatever she is with her partner...put her in close proximity with a different man who has purposely made it his business to know how to interact with and handle a woman...and you will IMMEDIATELY see this woman start behaving in an affectionate, sexual, or whatever way...you will immediately see her become alive, animated, flirty, etc.

The point being...THIS kind of man does NOT have "holes" in his mode of operation...he does not have areas where he is "uncomfortable" doing certain things that a woman needs from him in order to be activated, animated, and turned-on by him. In HIS mode of operation, he has made it his business to be completely comfortable doing whatever he needs to do to get good results with a woman.

Back to my original point...some men will call me up...and say they are "doing everything I teach but not getting results"...and as we begin talking...it always becomes clear there is a "hole" in their way of operating...there is an area they are not comfortable in...and I start pointing them to those places in the books where I talk about whatever their "hole" is...and even though they had read those parts, they didn't "see" them because they were still in the mode of confirming and justifying their self.

The thing is...until a guy gets fed up with getting bad results...he is likely to more or less stay in confirming and justifying himself mode...he is likely to stay in the mode of doing ONLY what he is comfortable doing.

But, once he gets fed up with bad results and determines that he is no longer interested in justifying himself...that he is no longer going to restrict himself to only that which is comfortable to him...because that is not working for him...that he is only interested in doing whatever it is that works no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it feels to him...THAT is when he will begin to get things REALLY changing for the better.

And, here is the thing fellows...you can pretty much count on the fact that in a woman's mind, her "responsibility" is to make herself pretty and physically attractive...in her mind, her only responsibility is to make her self up so that she catches your interest and attention...and then pretty much everything else is YOUR "responsibility"...to "make" it happen...to BE THE MAN WHO CAN LEAD you and her to the happy, passionate place that you both want to enjoy.

So, the sooner we ACCEPT this responsibility and become the MAN who can make it happen for us and our wife, the sooner we can get to the outcomes we want.

And, we better not be lolly-gagging around lest our wife have a chance encounter with one of those guys who has made it his business to KNOW how to "fan her spark into a flame".

So, in relation to your wife...

What are those areas in my books that you are turning a blind eye to because they feel uncomfortable to you?

For some guys, the question is...which of my books are you avoiding because you are afraid of what they might say that you know you won't be comfortable with?

Your answer to these questions is probably the same area where your greatest payoff is going to come from.]]>
Frequently, during the first few months of coming into this program...a man is essentially still operating in the same way as before...he is still operating in HIS OLD way...except he has made things a little better by improving some things that he is comfortable with...which again, is usually more or less all the stuff he was ALREADY doing right to some extent.

Make a note of this...

Dissatisfying results in a marriage relationship almost always stem from the things a husband is doing wrong...and from all the important things he's not doing because he's not comfortable with them...in relation to his wife.

Now, I understand that this doesn't feel very good because it puts a lot of "blame" on the husband...but the fact remains...take any woman in the world...no matter how non-affectionate, non-sexual, or non-whatever she is with her partner...put her in close proximity with a different man who has purposely made it his business to know how to interact with and handle a woman...and you will IMMEDIATELY see this woman start behaving in an affectionate, sexual, or whatever way...you will immediately see her become alive, animated, flirty, etc.

The point being...THIS kind of man does NOT have "holes" in his mode of operation...he does not have areas where he is "uncomfortable" doing certain things that a woman needs from him in order to be activated, animated, and turned-on by him. In HIS mode of operation, he has made it his business to be completely comfortable doing whatever he needs to do to get good results with a woman.

Back to my original point...some men will call me up...and say they are "doing everything I teach but not getting results"...and as we begin talking...it always becomes clear there is a "hole" in their way of operating...there is an area they are not comfortable in...and I start pointing them to those places in the books where I talk about whatever their "hole" is...and even though they had read those parts, they didn't "see" them because they were still in the mode of confirming and justifying their self.

The thing is...until a guy gets fed up with getting bad results...he is likely to more or less stay in confirming and justifying himself mode...he is likely to stay in the mode of doing ONLY what he is comfortable doing.

But, once he gets fed up with bad results and determines that he is no longer interested in justifying himself...that he is no longer going to restrict himself to only that which is comfortable to him...because that is not working for him...that he is only interested in doing whatever it is that works no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it feels to him...THAT is when he will begin to get things REALLY changing for the better.

And, here is the thing fellows...you can pretty much count on the fact that in a woman's mind, her "responsibility" is to make herself pretty and physically attractive...in her mind, her only responsibility is to make her self up so that she catches your interest and attention...and then pretty much everything else is YOUR "responsibility"...to "make" it happen...to BE THE MAN WHO CAN LEAD you and her to the happy, passionate place that you both want to enjoy.

So, the sooner we ACCEPT this responsibility and become the MAN who can make it happen for us and our wife, the sooner we can get to the outcomes we want.

And, we better not be lolly-gagging around lest our wife have a chance encounter with one of those guys who has made it his business to KNOW how to "fan her spark into a flame".

So, in relation to your wife...

What are those areas in my books that you are turning a blind eye to because they feel uncomfortable to you?

For some guys, the question is...which of my books are you avoiding because you are afraid of what they might say that you know you won't be comfortable with?

Your answer to these questions is probably the same area where your greatest payoff is going to come from.]]> <![CDATA[When a Woman Isn't in the Mood]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1690 Thu, 17 Nov 2011 10:39:03 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1690

When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part I

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a “male-female hour” every week.

The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is “not in the mood” and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.

There are marriages with the opposite problem — a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of “He wants, she doesn't want.”

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife's refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.


When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.

4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.


Let's deal with each of these responses.

1. You have to be kidding. …

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage — no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says.

(Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).

Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What “excessive” means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual nature's desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.

3. Not my man.

Many women will argue, understandably, “My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when I'm too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.”

The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.

Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.

4. You have it backward.

Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to — women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)

But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood — see Part II next week.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.

This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.

In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.

I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.


When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part II

In Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.


2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.]]>

When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part I

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a “male-female hour” every week.

The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is “not in the mood” and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.

There are marriages with the opposite problem — a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of “He wants, she doesn't want.”

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife's refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.


When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.

4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.


Let's deal with each of these responses.

1. You have to be kidding. …

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage — no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says.

(Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).

Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What “excessive” means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual nature's desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.

3. Not my man.

Many women will argue, understandably, “My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when I'm too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.”

The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.

Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.

4. You have it backward.

Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to — women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)

But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood — see Part II next week.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.

This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.

In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.

I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.


When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part II

In Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.


2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.]]> <![CDATA[A nice reminder.]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1679 Sat, 05 Nov 2011 18:15:15 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1679 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God gives us hardships to seek comfort in him. Let go and let God.]]> For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God gives us hardships to seek comfort in him. Let go and let God.]]> <![CDATA[Some guy is asking about me...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1665 Tue, 18 Oct 2011 12:50:06 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1665 http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubho...sults.html

If you are inclined to take a moment and put in a good word for me, it would help me a lot and I would be ever so thankful.

Warmly,
Calle]]> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubho...sults.html

If you are inclined to take a moment and put in a good word for me, it would help me a lot and I would be ever so thankful.

Warmly,
Calle]]> <![CDATA["What is his problem?" Why is he so needy?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1664 Tue, 18 Oct 2011 08:29:10 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1664
In the book, "Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives", author Dennis Rainey asserts that. "women are stimulated by, attitudes, actions, and are person-centered. Men are stimulated by sight and smell touch and are body centered." As Calle says - Unfortunately, most of the time men and women are in different worlds and different time zones! With a woman it's not so much the destination; it's really more about the journey - WOMEN ARE PROCESS CREATURES.

On the other end men are often more goal and achievement oriented by nature and they find their satisfaction in "doing" things. Men are wired somewhat differently than women, and tend to experience the greatest levels of intimacy through companionship, activity, and physical intimacy, such as sexual intercourse. Assisting him in the release of his pent up male energy with different forms of mental and physical stimulation is good advice for wives. The idea is that a man needs to release his male energy in different ways in order to have a higher level of contentment in his life.

When men appear to start abandoning their marriages it is because they are not getting the sexual fulfillment and strong companionship they need from their wives. They are losing fulfillment from the relationship. They will create all kinds of excuses for this abandonment of the relationship because they don't want to look as if they are so shallow as to allow such things as sexual gratification or boredom to be the basis of their happiness.

So, how important is sexual fulfillment and a wife's companionship to a man? The real truth is evident from the myriad of case studies involving men that have left otherwise functional relationships in search of more sexual fulfillment and female companionship... Why would a man do this? Personal Fulfillment??? At what price? The cost to a man of leaving an established and otherwise functional relationship is astronomical. The cost in dollars of divorce can lower his standard of living and take many years for him to recover. He also will damage or completely lose relationships with his children, close friends, and members from her family. His reputation can be injured, and he could even become the source of gossip and scorn. Why would he give up a comfortable lifestyle for one of uncertainty and uneasiness. Is all of this is done for a chance at regaining his sexual fulfillment and contentment?

In retrospect, the abandoned and uninformed wife mistakenly thought her husband was happy with her when he was pitching in and helping around the house, he seemed to enjoy working around the house making it a beautiful home. He helped with the children, provided security, and a loving relationship. He talked with her, he listened. He tried to be understanding and supportive. He did this not to reward her for giving him happiness, but naturally in hopes that she will want to exchange fulfillment of her desires with fulfillment of his. But did both the husband or wife truly understand what the word fulfillment meant to the other?

In the above situation, assuming that the husband was fulfilling the emotional/physical/mental needs of his wife... It was this misunderstanding of what was truly fulfilling to her husband that lead her to believe that he was satisfied with their relationship. Perhaps her false sense of security in the relationship let her believe that everything was all right and she really didn't need to put any more effort into the sexual part of the relationship, when indeed, substantially more effort was required.

Husbands communicate with your wives... Try and help them understand - That what is fulfilling for your wife in your marriage, is not always in perfect sync and fulfilling for you as well. Again, men and women are wired differently and at times do perceive and feel things in totally different ways. In this example the wife is having all of her need for fulfillment met by her husband and in having those needs met she automatically assumed that her husband was happy too. She has shifted the bulk of her efforts toward the home life and her family relationship (the place where she receives the most fulfillment in her life) while simply abandoning her husband in other ways. She is actually "baffled" when her husband declares that she is still not meeting his needs. She even thinks that he is acting too needy. Why, because in her mind everythings fine... "What is his problem?" she thinks to herself. She pulls away again.

She must be slowly made aware that her fulfillment requirements are not always exactly the same for her husband. And, yes she may even find that she is too exhausted to put anymore effort into doing anything with her husband. But she should be clearly made aware that a regular sexual connection with her husband is as important to him as many of the other things that she needs/wants in order to remain content within her marriage. Perhaps she just doesn't feel a comparable interest in filling his desire for sex with her as he has in filling her desire for receiving fulfillment in home/family/ female/emotional/ needs. She must be lovingly made aware of the value of trying to satisfy him in the sexual area of the relationship as a part of what she is seeking in her own personal fulfillment. If her needs are being met she also needs to look beyond her individual needs and fully consider his as well.

The challenge to relationships is how we maintain mutual fulfillment in our long term relationship. Those couples who rise to the challenge are the couples who stay together. Often a husband will mention his fulfillment desires from time and time, and be shot down for wanting too much of a good thing. His mentioning then being shot down time after time can lead to his further frustration and lack of companionship which then leads to resentment. He often feels ashamed of his own sexual nature, and in fact questions weather he will ever be happy in his marriage. He feels that he has been there for her. He even ask her to tell him if he is lacking in any area when it comes to fulfilling her needs. She states she is happy. At this point, he may even resort to attacking and trying to control his wife. He is in a catch 22. She is content and doesn't feel the need make any changes. Once started down this dead end path the damage continues.

Love is a two way street and about reasonable sacrifices within our current complacency for the mutual complacency and happiness of our partner. Love is not mushy feelings of tenderness, but a true commitment toward the giving of ourselves to the other. It is not about giving what we need in a relationship. It is about trying to understand and give what is needed by our partner for their fulfillment. When couples are committed to and accustomed to contributing for each other, they will more easily sacrifice selfish opportunities of flirtation, and infidelity.

When in comes to understanding sexual fulfillment from a mans point of view. We are not talking about sex 24/7 or anything like that. Because, at times it is also about sacrificing the amount of sexual fulfillment that he requires for other reasonable reasons. It simply boils down to this... As long as one partner is not left dangling feeling longingly unfilled due to some die hard restriction or elements of inflexibility, there are bound to be fewer problems in that area of the marriage.

There is always available through communication a negotiable point of equilibrium that can allow for mutual satisfaction. No one should feel as if their personal fulfillment has to be sacrificed at the expense of the other's inability to make responsible and reasonable adjustments. Reasonable sacrifices for one other and mutual fulfillment are another pillar of lasting relationships.

Helping your spouse understand what is or is not fulfilling to you in your marriage and then following through and a loving way in expressing your need for fulfillment is important part of the overall equation. For a wife, it is important to know that some men may tend to compress the meaning of intimacy into the sex act especially after the amount of his sexual frequency has been dictated to him for long periods of time. He can become frustrated and upset. A man can feel controlled, abandoned, empty and unhappy all at the same time. Why? Because his wife unknowingly has cut him off from one of the main ways he as a man feels more closeness in his marriage. Men are interested in closeness and intimacy and they have different ways of defining and expressing it than some women do.

Complicating this issue further is the fact that often the idea of sex with her husband is about the absolute furthest thing from her mind. She may be tired after a long day. She may be stressed about many of the undone things around the house. ( This is where a husband can help to relieve her stress and should. He needs to be reasonably understanding.) He understands, it is NOT about sex 24/7!

Where relationships get into trouble is when for example a man's wife wants lots of non-sexual affection and family time together and goes out of her way to give those things, (Her priority) becomes totally frustrated when her husband complains that they do not do enough not have enough sexually intimate time together (His priority). On the other side of the "fence" her husband may be bending over backward looking for ways to create opportunities for good experiences and for quality sexual relations and became frustrated because his wife seems happy just working around the house, sitting and talking, watching TV, going on dates, and then falling asleep. This is why it is so important that a wife clearly address the differences between her priorities and her husband.

Marital Intimacy: A woman experiences the deepest intimate connection with her husband through emotional validation and mental exchange. A man achieves the same feeling of intimacy through involvement, "doing things" with his wife. He is interested in behaviors that will enhance closeness. And physical intimacy (love making) is a significant part of achieving that closeness for a man.

The important key: The husband and a wife must be jointly and intimately invested in meeting each other's emotional, mental, and physical needs while taking into account the fact that emotional fulfillment for their partner may be much different than their own.

Married men: A strong man should try to understand that a many woman are usually more focused on the process and the relating or the time shared within the process and anything that interrupts them from the process is a nuisance.

Married women: Have you misread your husband’s need for sexual intimacy as simply a need for physical fulfillment? Think of a time when you may have hurt your spouse by refusing him when he needed that intimacy with you or when he was only trying to support you by showing you that intimacy. It's not always about sex with him or just having an orgasm.

Satisfying the male’s sexual desire is not only about having sex with him; She is not just a body who allows him to have sex. A man is very aware when a woman is not into having sex with him. A man wants to feel as good about himself as a woman does. He feels better about himself when his wife wants to "do" things with him, be it sexual or otherwise. Her laying there and expecting him to do everything can be offensive and hurtful to a man.

A wife needs to know that men are excited by what they see, they have a visual orientation, they are made that way by nature. They enjoy seeing their wives bodies. Many women don't understand this. He wants to see and feel her body close to his. And a man in love only sees her body with desire. To deny him this experience is to remove what he needs within the bedroom. Just like a woman doesn't like to be ordered around the bedroom by her husband a man doesn't want to be restricted by a wife who is hiding her body from him.

Wife/Husband instead of trying or hoping for a spouse to change, accept that there are differences in your need for fulfillment within the marriage. The challenge in any relationship is how you go about maintaining the long term fulfillment for both people in that relationship. Those couples who rise to the challenge are the couples who stay together. Whatever your situation, a husband is designed to balance his wife out. In a great marriage there is always a deep and rewarding connection between a husband and a wife that encompasses all four areas; emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical.]]>
In the book, "Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives", author Dennis Rainey asserts that. "women are stimulated by, attitudes, actions, and are person-centered. Men are stimulated by sight and smell touch and are body centered." As Calle says - Unfortunately, most of the time men and women are in different worlds and different time zones! With a woman it's not so much the destination; it's really more about the journey - WOMEN ARE PROCESS CREATURES.

On the other end men are often more goal and achievement oriented by nature and they find their satisfaction in "doing" things. Men are wired somewhat differently than women, and tend to experience the greatest levels of intimacy through companionship, activity, and physical intimacy, such as sexual intercourse. Assisting him in the release of his pent up male energy with different forms of mental and physical stimulation is good advice for wives. The idea is that a man needs to release his male energy in different ways in order to have a higher level of contentment in his life.

When men appear to start abandoning their marriages it is because they are not getting the sexual fulfillment and strong companionship they need from their wives. They are losing fulfillment from the relationship. They will create all kinds of excuses for this abandonment of the relationship because they don't want to look as if they are so shallow as to allow such things as sexual gratification or boredom to be the basis of their happiness.

So, how important is sexual fulfillment and a wife's companionship to a man? The real truth is evident from the myriad of case studies involving men that have left otherwise functional relationships in search of more sexual fulfillment and female companionship... Why would a man do this? Personal Fulfillment??? At what price? The cost to a man of leaving an established and otherwise functional relationship is astronomical. The cost in dollars of divorce can lower his standard of living and take many years for him to recover. He also will damage or completely lose relationships with his children, close friends, and members from her family. His reputation can be injured, and he could even become the source of gossip and scorn. Why would he give up a comfortable lifestyle for one of uncertainty and uneasiness. Is all of this is done for a chance at regaining his sexual fulfillment and contentment?

In retrospect, the abandoned and uninformed wife mistakenly thought her husband was happy with her when he was pitching in and helping around the house, he seemed to enjoy working around the house making it a beautiful home. He helped with the children, provided security, and a loving relationship. He talked with her, he listened. He tried to be understanding and supportive. He did this not to reward her for giving him happiness, but naturally in hopes that she will want to exchange fulfillment of her desires with fulfillment of his. But did both the husband or wife truly understand what the word fulfillment meant to the other?

In the above situation, assuming that the husband was fulfilling the emotional/physical/mental needs of his wife... It was this misunderstanding of what was truly fulfilling to her husband that lead her to believe that he was satisfied with their relationship. Perhaps her false sense of security in the relationship let her believe that everything was all right and she really didn't need to put any more effort into the sexual part of the relationship, when indeed, substantially more effort was required.

Husbands communicate with your wives... Try and help them understand - That what is fulfilling for your wife in your marriage, is not always in perfect sync and fulfilling for you as well. Again, men and women are wired differently and at times do perceive and feel things in totally different ways. In this example the wife is having all of her need for fulfillment met by her husband and in having those needs met she automatically assumed that her husband was happy too. She has shifted the bulk of her efforts toward the home life and her family relationship (the place where she receives the most fulfillment in her life) while simply abandoning her husband in other ways. She is actually "baffled" when her husband declares that she is still not meeting his needs. She even thinks that he is acting too needy. Why, because in her mind everythings fine... "What is his problem?" she thinks to herself. She pulls away again.

She must be slowly made aware that her fulfillment requirements are not always exactly the same for her husband. And, yes she may even find that she is too exhausted to put anymore effort into doing anything with her husband. But she should be clearly made aware that a regular sexual connection with her husband is as important to him as many of the other things that she needs/wants in order to remain content within her marriage. Perhaps she just doesn't feel a comparable interest in filling his desire for sex with her as he has in filling her desire for receiving fulfillment in home/family/ female/emotional/ needs. She must be lovingly made aware of the value of trying to satisfy him in the sexual area of the relationship as a part of what she is seeking in her own personal fulfillment. If her needs are being met she also needs to look beyond her individual needs and fully consider his as well.

The challenge to relationships is how we maintain mutual fulfillment in our long term relationship. Those couples who rise to the challenge are the couples who stay together. Often a husband will mention his fulfillment desires from time and time, and be shot down for wanting too much of a good thing. His mentioning then being shot down time after time can lead to his further frustration and lack of companionship which then leads to resentment. He often feels ashamed of his own sexual nature, and in fact questions weather he will ever be happy in his marriage. He feels that he has been there for her. He even ask her to tell him if he is lacking in any area when it comes to fulfilling her needs. She states she is happy. At this point, he may even resort to attacking and trying to control his wife. He is in a catch 22. She is content and doesn't feel the need make any changes. Once started down this dead end path the damage continues.

Love is a two way street and about reasonable sacrifices within our current complacency for the mutual complacency and happiness of our partner. Love is not mushy feelings of tenderness, but a true commitment toward the giving of ourselves to the other. It is not about giving what we need in a relationship. It is about trying to understand and give what is needed by our partner for their fulfillment. When couples are committed to and accustomed to contributing for each other, they will more easily sacrifice selfish opportunities of flirtation, and infidelity.

When in comes to understanding sexual fulfillment from a mans point of view. We are not talking about sex 24/7 or anything like that. Because, at times it is also about sacrificing the amount of sexual fulfillment that he requires for other reasonable reasons. It simply boils down to this... As long as one partner is not left dangling feeling longingly unfilled due to some die hard restriction or elements of inflexibility, there are bound to be fewer problems in that area of the marriage.

There is always available through communication a negotiable point of equilibrium that can allow for mutual satisfaction. No one should feel as if their personal fulfillment has to be sacrificed at the expense of the other's inability to make responsible and reasonable adjustments. Reasonable sacrifices for one other and mutual fulfillment are another pillar of lasting relationships.

Helping your spouse understand what is or is not fulfilling to you in your marriage and then following through and a loving way in expressing your need for fulfillment is important part of the overall equation. For a wife, it is important to know that some men may tend to compress the meaning of intimacy into the sex act especially after the amount of his sexual frequency has been dictated to him for long periods of time. He can become frustrated and upset. A man can feel controlled, abandoned, empty and unhappy all at the same time. Why? Because his wife unknowingly has cut him off from one of the main ways he as a man feels more closeness in his marriage. Men are interested in closeness and intimacy and they have different ways of defining and expressing it than some women do.

Complicating this issue further is the fact that often the idea of sex with her husband is about the absolute furthest thing from her mind. She may be tired after a long day. She may be stressed about many of the undone things around the house. ( This is where a husband can help to relieve her stress and should. He needs to be reasonably understanding.) He understands, it is NOT about sex 24/7!

Where relationships get into trouble is when for example a man's wife wants lots of non-sexual affection and family time together and goes out of her way to give those things, (Her priority) becomes totally frustrated when her husband complains that they do not do enough not have enough sexually intimate time together (His priority). On the other side of the "fence" her husband may be bending over backward looking for ways to create opportunities for good experiences and for quality sexual relations and became frustrated because his wife seems happy just working around the house, sitting and talking, watching TV, going on dates, and then falling asleep. This is why it is so important that a wife clearly address the differences between her priorities and her husband.

Marital Intimacy: A woman experiences the deepest intimate connection with her husband through emotional validation and mental exchange. A man achieves the same feeling of intimacy through involvement, "doing things" with his wife. He is interested in behaviors that will enhance closeness. And physical intimacy (love making) is a significant part of achieving that closeness for a man.

The important key: The husband and a wife must be jointly and intimately invested in meeting each other's emotional, mental, and physical needs while taking into account the fact that emotional fulfillment for their partner may be much different than their own.

Married men: A strong man should try to understand that a many woman are usually more focused on the process and the relating or the time shared within the process and anything that interrupts them from the process is a nuisance.

Married women: Have you misread your husband’s need for sexual intimacy as simply a need for physical fulfillment? Think of a time when you may have hurt your spouse by refusing him when he needed that intimacy with you or when he was only trying to support you by showing you that intimacy. It's not always about sex with him or just having an orgasm.

Satisfying the male’s sexual desire is not only about having sex with him; She is not just a body who allows him to have sex. A man is very aware when a woman is not into having sex with him. A man wants to feel as good about himself as a woman does. He feels better about himself when his wife wants to "do" things with him, be it sexual or otherwise. Her laying there and expecting him to do everything can be offensive and hurtful to a man.

A wife needs to know that men are excited by what they see, they have a visual orientation, they are made that way by nature. They enjoy seeing their wives bodies. Many women don't understand this. He wants to see and feel her body close to his. And a man in love only sees her body with desire. To deny him this experience is to remove what he needs within the bedroom. Just like a woman doesn't like to be ordered around the bedroom by her husband a man doesn't want to be restricted by a wife who is hiding her body from him.

Wife/Husband instead of trying or hoping for a spouse to change, accept that there are differences in your need for fulfillment within the marriage. The challenge in any relationship is how you go about maintaining the long term fulfillment for both people in that relationship. Those couples who rise to the challenge are the couples who stay together. Whatever your situation, a husband is designed to balance his wife out. In a great marriage there is always a deep and rewarding connection between a husband and a wife that encompasses all four areas; emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical.]]> <![CDATA[Does your husband ever browbeat you into feeling guilty for not wanting to have sex?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1637 Sun, 02 Oct 2011 10:20:50 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1637
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but ALSO to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but ALSO to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs ALSO to her husband. As “one flesh,” a wife shares her body with her husband.

At first reading, this passage may also appear to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness and helps to protect our fidelity.

This passage does not teach that a wife (or husband, for that matter) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it, no matter how we feel. Rather, it teaches that since my spouses body belongs to me, I should care about it enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can, and they likewise with my body. In the same way, since my spouses body belongs to herthem, I should also be understanding and generous when they are not “in the mood.” The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.

In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, for whatever reason, the husband can honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he—not she—is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.

Okay, so now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs...

Next, Lets look below at 2 different comments from women who have tried to be submissive to their husbands only to find out that they were married to UN-LOVING, SELFISHLY SELF-ABSORBED, and SELF-CENTERED men.

Woman 1

I have been married for 22 years. My husband and I are both believers. We have had the same issue for the last 15 years or so. He demands sex whenever he wants it. I have been forced to perform a sex act while driving in the car on the highway, in the laundry room while dinner guests are a room away, have been made late to many an occasion because he demands it. He uses scripture to justify this (the same scriptures you cited). He needs his physical release to deal with the world (he says). This is my responsibility has his wife to fulfill this need for him, and as a Christian wife I cannot deny him. He also does not want to wonder if I will be in the mood or not – so we have to have sex on his schedule: every 48 hours, between the hours of 6:30 and 10 pm.

I have been in scripture and prayer, and decided to just “give” and go along with this – even with a good attitude. But after months (and years) I just feel used and like trash. He is NOT more attentive to my needs in any way, shape or form. He just thinks I enjoy his “routine” and feels like he can then demand more. If I am not in the mood, I just give him a hand job -he actually prefers this, because he doesn't have to bother with me. He asks for this. He has made me feel that something is wrong with me -but I have read 5 Christian-based sex books and have found that it is not me!

So, The “promise” that being more receptive sexually to your man will solve your marriage issues is certainly NOT TRUE.

Woman 2

I too have tried to be submissive and give whenever he wants it. My husband did not become more attentive to my needs at all. He would still be hateful, moody and selfish. My husband expects it every other day at least and if it doesn’t happen, then he becomes unbearable to be around. He withdraws from me and the children and is hateful when spoken to. He can completely ignore all of us. His behavior disgusts me and being in the same room with him is difficult. The thought of having sex with him makes me feel nauseated. I have actually cried during sex because of his behavior. I feel used, like I have to feelings. We’ve been married 14 years, if he doesn’t agree to counseling, our marriage won’t last much longer.


Finally, On the other extreme — and understanding how 1st Corinthians 7:3-5 is often misunderstood... and how husbands are not always without GUILT. ("Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25) Saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship—is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If a wife repeatedly has rebuffed her husband’s sexual advances and has acted resentful toward intercourse, she should be addressing this by consistantly trying to patiently restore a more mutually satisfying lovelife to her marriage.

Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and productive change. For starters:

Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking and you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have had a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.

Educate yourself. There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction, and there are plenty of good books available. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:

• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner

• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.

Check your history. Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.

Rule out physical problems. Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction and explore possible cause and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, if you lack lubrication, if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.

Experiment with being the initiator. In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator, which can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse.

Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out: Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest, so he anxiously beings to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation, so she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.

Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off at all by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.

Spell it out for him! “If she [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex.” “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly—and her anger sizzles.”

Sound familiar?

Take time to talk to your husband about his unloving ways toward you, and how it makes you feel. Try to keep it short and sweet, don't lecture and scold, or he is sure to become defensive. Say things in a kind and loving way.

Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed and to make you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men just don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day, instead of only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much: a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy and list for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.

Consider sexual therapy. For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching; over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program). If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.

Be honest about turnoffs. It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood.

If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness to your husband, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values and try not to let them detract from lovemaking.

Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way: “How important is sex in marriage? A simple answer is that when sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to the marriage what the oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running—without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”


Dear Lord,

Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another.

Amen.]]>
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but ALSO to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but ALSO to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs ALSO to her husband. As “one flesh,” a wife shares her body with her husband.

At first reading, this passage may also appear to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness and helps to protect our fidelity.

This passage does not teach that a wife (or husband, for that matter) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it, no matter how we feel. Rather, it teaches that since my spouses body belongs to me, I should care about it enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can, and they likewise with my body. In the same way, since my spouses body belongs to herthem, I should also be understanding and generous when they are not “in the mood.” The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.

In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, for whatever reason, the husband can honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he—not she—is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.

Okay, so now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs...

Next, Lets look below at 2 different comments from women who have tried to be submissive to their husbands only to find out that they were married to UN-LOVING, SELFISHLY SELF-ABSORBED, and SELF-CENTERED men.

Woman 1

I have been married for 22 years. My husband and I are both believers. We have had the same issue for the last 15 years or so. He demands sex whenever he wants it. I have been forced to perform a sex act while driving in the car on the highway, in the laundry room while dinner guests are a room away, have been made late to many an occasion because he demands it. He uses scripture to justify this (the same scriptures you cited). He needs his physical release to deal with the world (he says). This is my responsibility has his wife to fulfill this need for him, and as a Christian wife I cannot deny him. He also does not want to wonder if I will be in the mood or not – so we have to have sex on his schedule: every 48 hours, between the hours of 6:30 and 10 pm.

I have been in scripture and prayer, and decided to just “give” and go along with this – even with a good attitude. But after months (and years) I just feel used and like trash. He is NOT more attentive to my needs in any way, shape or form. He just thinks I enjoy his “routine” and feels like he can then demand more. If I am not in the mood, I just give him a hand job -he actually prefers this, because he doesn't have to bother with me. He asks for this. He has made me feel that something is wrong with me -but I have read 5 Christian-based sex books and have found that it is not me!

So, The “promise” that being more receptive sexually to your man will solve your marriage issues is certainly NOT TRUE.

Woman 2

I too have tried to be submissive and give whenever he wants it. My husband did not become more attentive to my needs at all. He would still be hateful, moody and selfish. My husband expects it every other day at least and if it doesn’t happen, then he becomes unbearable to be around. He withdraws from me and the children and is hateful when spoken to. He can completely ignore all of us. His behavior disgusts me and being in the same room with him is difficult. The thought of having sex with him makes me feel nauseated. I have actually cried during sex because of his behavior. I feel used, like I have to feelings. We’ve been married 14 years, if he doesn’t agree to counseling, our marriage won’t last much longer.


Finally, On the other extreme — and understanding how 1st Corinthians 7:3-5 is often misunderstood... and how husbands are not always without GUILT. ("Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25) Saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship—is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If a wife repeatedly has rebuffed her husband’s sexual advances and has acted resentful toward intercourse, she should be addressing this by consistantly trying to patiently restore a more mutually satisfying lovelife to her marriage.

Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and productive change. For starters:

Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking and you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have had a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.

Educate yourself. There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction, and there are plenty of good books available. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:

• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner

• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.

Check your history. Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.

Rule out physical problems. Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction and explore possible cause and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, if you lack lubrication, if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.

Experiment with being the initiator. In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator, which can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse.

Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out: Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest, so he anxiously beings to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation, so she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.

Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off at all by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.

Spell it out for him! “If she [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex.” “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly—and her anger sizzles.”

Sound familiar?

Take time to talk to your husband about his unloving ways toward you, and how it makes you feel. Try to keep it short and sweet, don't lecture and scold, or he is sure to become defensive. Say things in a kind and loving way.

Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed and to make you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men just don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day, instead of only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much: a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy and list for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.

Consider sexual therapy. For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching; over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program). If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.

Be honest about turnoffs. It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood.

If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness to your husband, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values and try not to let them detract from lovemaking.

Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way: “How important is sex in marriage? A simple answer is that when sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to the marriage what the oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running—without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”


Dear Lord,

Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another.

Amen.]]> <![CDATA[Farewell my friends.]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1633 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 14:34:02 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1633
Calle and all of the men here have helped me change my marriage and my life. I am forever indebted to you all. You have all helped me in ways that I cannot repay. I hope that my time here has helped some of you.

However, I feel it’s time for me to move forward with my goals in life and put this stage behind me. I will miss this forum, but the time I was spending here will be put to growing the other aspects of my life and marriage.

I’ll miss you guys, and I hope the best for all of you.

May Peace be with us all.

Warmly,
Rick]]>
Calle and all of the men here have helped me change my marriage and my life. I am forever indebted to you all. You have all helped me in ways that I cannot repay. I hope that my time here has helped some of you.

However, I feel it’s time for me to move forward with my goals in life and put this stage behind me. I will miss this forum, but the time I was spending here will be put to growing the other aspects of my life and marriage.

I’ll miss you guys, and I hope the best for all of you.

May Peace be with us all.

Warmly,
Rick]]> <![CDATA[A New Begining]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1602 Thu, 08 Sep 2011 13:54:06 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1602 Oh by the way I forgot to mention why BABH - Being A Better Husband.]]> Oh by the way I forgot to mention why BABH - Being A Better Husband.]]> <![CDATA[The Inaccessible Woman.]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1576 Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:56:36 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1576
I don't recommend you take my advice unless you want better sex.

The fact is, I am not a woman.

I am merely a man that is sexually well adjusted and in tune with the facts. (This after being a member of Married and Happy and learning from this forum from other quality men.)

From my perspective, according to what I have read the female orgasm is a mind blowing experience.

The fact is that I envy the ability of you females to have multiple orgasms.

But, I digress. We need to discuss how to be an inaccessible woman and avoid the nastiness of having orgasms and the possibility of making your man cause you the inconvenience of having one (not to mention many) orgasms.

In my view, to see my woman smile any time she see's me is like the morning sun rising in a cascade of flowing colors. Like taking a handful of your favorite craola crayons and applying them to a white piece of paper and creating a masterpiece worthy of the refrigerator.

The smile on her face is the paycheck at the end of the week!

Happiness!

So, to be an inaccessible woman, never smile when you see your man. Your response would be to frown with your head in a downward direction. The key here is NOT to make eye contact.

I have noticed that women of ALL ages love the new electronic gadgets that are on the market these days. Buy them and use them regularly and espescially in front of your man.

There is nothing that turns on a man less than to be pre-empted by an Ipad touch. Or, answering your cell and talking for an hour or so after your man just did his best rendition of Hell's Kitchen and made you dinner.

The female orgasm is over rated any ways girls!

And don't forget to teach your daughters these same tactics to avoid the unpleasantness of a/several orgasms.

Have a wonderful unorgasmic day!Big Grin]]>
I don't recommend you take my advice unless you want better sex.

The fact is, I am not a woman.

I am merely a man that is sexually well adjusted and in tune with the facts. (This after being a member of Married and Happy and learning from this forum from other quality men.)

From my perspective, according to what I have read the female orgasm is a mind blowing experience.

The fact is that I envy the ability of you females to have multiple orgasms.

But, I digress. We need to discuss how to be an inaccessible woman and avoid the nastiness of having orgasms and the possibility of making your man cause you the inconvenience of having one (not to mention many) orgasms.

In my view, to see my woman smile any time she see's me is like the morning sun rising in a cascade of flowing colors. Like taking a handful of your favorite craola crayons and applying them to a white piece of paper and creating a masterpiece worthy of the refrigerator.

The smile on her face is the paycheck at the end of the week!

Happiness!

So, to be an inaccessible woman, never smile when you see your man. Your response would be to frown with your head in a downward direction. The key here is NOT to make eye contact.

I have noticed that women of ALL ages love the new electronic gadgets that are on the market these days. Buy them and use them regularly and espescially in front of your man.

There is nothing that turns on a man less than to be pre-empted by an Ipad touch. Or, answering your cell and talking for an hour or so after your man just did his best rendition of Hell's Kitchen and made you dinner.

The female orgasm is over rated any ways girls!

And don't forget to teach your daughters these same tactics to avoid the unpleasantness of a/several orgasms.

Have a wonderful unorgasmic day!Big Grin]]> <![CDATA[Movie recommendation...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1556 Tue, 09 Aug 2011 07:14:57 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1556
Again, this is a horrible movie...but it does an excellent job of portraying:

1. How one-dimensional and foolish guys are about getting sex with what they think is a good looking girl...(and how UGLY that girl really is on the inside).

2. How deceitful and manipulative women can be...all to satisfy their own selfish interests without regard for others.

3. How ready women are to capitalize on the foolish nature of men...and how EASILY they can lead a man down a path of misery and unhappiness...a path that is NOT good for ANYBODY...and yet the man will just stay there to be used and abused by the woman...all for the potential to get sex with a "hot" girl.

4. The movie also does a good job of portraying the "entitlement" mentality that woman can have. In the final scene, notice the woman's words and the line of thought that is behind them.

This is definitely not a "family" movie...it's filled with foul language and other family-unfriendly elements...but it is worth a man taking the time to watch it just for the lessons it imparts and the awareness it raises.]]>
Again, this is a horrible movie...but it does an excellent job of portraying:

1. How one-dimensional and foolish guys are about getting sex with what they think is a good looking girl...(and how UGLY that girl really is on the inside).

2. How deceitful and manipulative women can be...all to satisfy their own selfish interests without regard for others.

3. How ready women are to capitalize on the foolish nature of men...and how EASILY they can lead a man down a path of misery and unhappiness...a path that is NOT good for ANYBODY...and yet the man will just stay there to be used and abused by the woman...all for the potential to get sex with a "hot" girl.

4. The movie also does a good job of portraying the "entitlement" mentality that woman can have. In the final scene, notice the woman's words and the line of thought that is behind them.

This is definitely not a "family" movie...it's filled with foul language and other family-unfriendly elements...but it is worth a man taking the time to watch it just for the lessons it imparts and the awareness it raises.]]> <![CDATA[What are God's instructions for having a happy marriage?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1548 Thu, 28 Jul 2011 09:58:47 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1548
"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband." 1 Corinthians 7:3

What is benevolence?

It is the desire to do go to others. It is goodwill directed at others. It is charity (love in action) towards others. It is the giving of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical gifts and blessings to others. It is RECEIVING pleasure, joy, satisfaction, and happiness in all of this GIVING.

And, when you find a husband and a wife being "benevolent" towards each other, you will find a happily married couple.

Conversely, when you find a husband and wife focusing upon ANYTHING other than "benevolence" in relation to each other, you will find a UNhappy married couple.

But, what if you are trying to be "benevolent" and your spouse is not?

Well, that is when you have to learn some special skills like I teach at http://www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog]]>
"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband." 1 Corinthians 7:3

What is benevolence?

It is the desire to do go to others. It is goodwill directed at others. It is charity (love in action) towards others. It is the giving of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical gifts and blessings to others. It is RECEIVING pleasure, joy, satisfaction, and happiness in all of this GIVING.

And, when you find a husband and a wife being "benevolent" towards each other, you will find a happily married couple.

Conversely, when you find a husband and wife focusing upon ANYTHING other than "benevolence" in relation to each other, you will find a UNhappy married couple.

But, what if you are trying to be "benevolent" and your spouse is not?

Well, that is when you have to learn some special skills like I teach at http://www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog]]> <![CDATA[Role Reversal.]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1534 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 15:50:40 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1534
That is until I started reading and participating in this forum and engaging in thoughtful conversation with a great group of quality men.

I want to discuss abstract thinking in terms of role reversal where it pertains to you and your wife.

It's kind of science fiction (think body snatchers). My question to you is;

What would you think and how would you react if you were your wife and witnessed some of the things you did (or did not do)...?

For instance;

My wife had a very annoyed look on her face one day while eating dinner and I had noticed that she suddenly became
very quiet.

Well, before delving into Calle's teachings, I would have just brushed this off and kept eating.

Instead I asked," What's wrong sweetie?"

She told me that I was putting my fingers in my mouth to lick off the juice from the food and that this very much
annoyed her. (This was something I did from habit and didn't know how much it bothered my wife.)

Once I was aware that this bothered her, I stopped.

My new view was gained from participating in Calle Zorro's ebooks and this forum.

Learning to improve as a husband and being a man of quality takes work and knowledge.

The work YOU must do!

The knowledge and wisdom comes from learning how to be a better man through Calle's teachings.

Warmly,

...Bunc]]>
That is until I started reading and participating in this forum and engaging in thoughtful conversation with a great group of quality men.

I want to discuss abstract thinking in terms of role reversal where it pertains to you and your wife.

It's kind of science fiction (think body snatchers). My question to you is;

What would you think and how would you react if you were your wife and witnessed some of the things you did (or did not do)...?

For instance;

My wife had a very annoyed look on her face one day while eating dinner and I had noticed that she suddenly became
very quiet.

Well, before delving into Calle's teachings, I would have just brushed this off and kept eating.

Instead I asked," What's wrong sweetie?"

She told me that I was putting my fingers in my mouth to lick off the juice from the food and that this very much
annoyed her. (This was something I did from habit and didn't know how much it bothered my wife.)

Once I was aware that this bothered her, I stopped.

My new view was gained from participating in Calle Zorro's ebooks and this forum.

Learning to improve as a husband and being a man of quality takes work and knowledge.

The work YOU must do!

The knowledge and wisdom comes from learning how to be a better man through Calle's teachings.

Warmly,

...Bunc]]> <![CDATA[Take good care of her!]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1524 Sat, 16 Jul 2011 16:53:31 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=1524
I was the ripe old age of 24 and my girlfriend was 19.

We had just dropped the bomb on her mom and dad.

My girl was pregnant.

Well, after the news broke, my future father-in-law walked over to me.

He was taller than me, lean and muscular.

I believed in my heart that I loved my girl dearly and would go to hell and back for her love.

Mr. Muscles walked straight to me, looked me in the eye and after a short pause.....

He hugged me.

Then he said," Take good care of her!"

My only regret was that Mr. Muscles didn't hand me a road map of how to take care of this prideful, stubborn,

" I am always right and you will never be",

loving daughter that looks awesome in her blue dress with a push-up bra.

It took some time but I have finally found that road map.

If any of you men can even barely relate to my story, it would be in your best interest to purchase Calle Zorro's e-books.

You will learn to be a better man!]]>
I was the ripe old age of 24 and my girlfriend was 19.

We had just dropped the bomb on her mom and dad.

My girl was pregnant.

Well, after the news broke, my future father-in-law walked over to me.

He was taller than me, lean and muscular.

I believed in my heart that I loved my girl dearly and would go to hell and back for her love.

Mr. Muscles walked straight to me, looked me in the eye and after a short pause.....

He hugged me.

Then he said," Take good care of her!"

My only regret was that Mr. Muscles didn't hand me a road map of how to take care of this prideful, stubborn,

" I am always right and you will never be",

loving daughter that looks awesome in her blue dress with a push-up bra.

It took some time but I have finally found that road map.

If any of you men can even barely relate to my story, it would be in your best interest to purchase Calle Zorro's e-books.

You will learn to be a better man!]]>