<![CDATA[Married And Happy Discussion Forum - All Forums]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/ Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:18:02 -0700 MyBB <![CDATA[Menstrual Cramps]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=785 Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:13:19 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=785 (07-27-2010 01:02 AM)Waxius Wrote:  A woman on her period (maybe not the first day for extreme cramping)
Just in case anyone doesn't know this...the difference between lots of cramps and no cramps is...WATER.

A woman who drinks very little water and lots of soda, coffee, tea, etc. WILL have very painful periods. In contrast, a woman who drinks LOTS of water and very little of the other beverages will have little to no cramps.]]> (07-27-2010 01:02 AM)Waxius Wrote:  A woman on her period (maybe not the first day for extreme cramping)
Just in case anyone doesn't know this...the difference between lots of cramps and no cramps is...WATER.

A woman who drinks very little water and lots of soda, coffee, tea, etc. WILL have very painful periods. In contrast, a woman who drinks LOTS of water and very little of the other beverages will have little to no cramps.]]> <![CDATA[Aawareness-expanding movie...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=765 Sat, 17 Jul 2010 10:47:14 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=765
It's from the 1920's so it's a "silent" black and white movie...which makes it all the more educational because without the "talking", you are better able to "see" what's really going on.

Undoubtedly, there will be some things you don't agree with...but there will also be some things that remind you of what's really important.

I think anyone who is interested in improving their marriage could get something useful from watching this old-timer.

Also, some of the "text lines" will probably resonate with men...others with women. For example, the final "text" is one that I expect resonates with most men:

"A man would rather have his wife for a sweetheart than any other woman: but Ladies: if you would be your husband's sweetheart, you simply must learn when to forget that you are his wife."]]>
It's from the 1920's so it's a "silent" black and white movie...which makes it all the more educational because without the "talking", you are better able to "see" what's really going on.

Undoubtedly, there will be some things you don't agree with...but there will also be some things that remind you of what's really important.

I think anyone who is interested in improving their marriage could get something useful from watching this old-timer.

Also, some of the "text lines" will probably resonate with men...others with women. For example, the final "text" is one that I expect resonates with most men:

"A man would rather have his wife for a sweetheart than any other woman: but Ladies: if you would be your husband's sweetheart, you simply must learn when to forget that you are his wife."]]> <![CDATA[Developing your masculine energy]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=742 Fri, 09 Jul 2010 10:54:29 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=742
Over the past few months I have read, and reread Calle's materials, and tried to implement as much as possible in my life. However, I will admit that I did not give myself over to it completely. In some aspects of my marriage I continued to use methods that I had learned elsewhere that were not compataible with what Calle was teaching. I suppose this was a form of hedging my bets. I wanted to see which methods would have the most success.

I have also continued to read many other books, web sites and articles over the past few months, striving to fill holes in my knowledge and to gain more insight into which methods I should be using to to try and restore the sexual intimacy that has been lacking in my marriage.

Recently I read something that absolutely blew me away with how clearly and logically it explained the mystery of the human sex drive. After wrapping my brain around this theory for a while I went back to examine Calle's materials again and realized that they were totally in line with this theory. It gave me new confidence that this program would work for me, and that some of the other methods I had learned would actually do more harm than good.

For the benefit of all the men out there who are struggling to understand what happened to their sex life, I will try to explain the theory. I apologize if this sounds kind of mystical, but it is what it is. Bear with me and hopefully it will make sense by the end.

God designed the universe to contain a number of powerful dichotomies. These are systems of yin and yang in which a particular force has two important halves. Both halves are required in order for the system to work. Examples of this are hot and cold, light and dark, good and evil, strong and weak, life and death etc. In each of these systems, one half does not make sense without the other.

One of the most imporatnt dichotomies in the world of man is the sexual dichotomy of masculine and feminine. Imagine that sexual energy is a spectrum with 100% masculine at one end, and 100% feminine at the other end. At any given point in time, a human being will exist somewhere on the spectrum. Most men are on the masculine end of the spectrum, and most women are on the feminine end of the spectrum. For instance, a man may be 70% masculine, and 30% feminine. This is a ratio of how powerful the two forces are in his life and his personality.

All humans seek to achieve ballance in the sexual energy of their lives. They want to experience equal amounts of both. There are essentially two ways that this can be accomplished. You could choose to go the route of a buhddist monk and attempt to ballance the two energies within yourself. A male monk will seek to develop the feminine side of himself (love, compassion, kindness and mindfullness) until it is equal to his natural masculine energy (purposefulness, decisiveness, ambition etc). When the two energies within himself are perfectly ballanced 50/50 he will experience peace.

However, most of us do not want to live the extreme life of a monk. We do not want to work to ballance our internal sexual energies. Instead, most people seek to ballance the sexual energy in their world by seeking a partner who is their exact opposite. Strongly masculine men seek out strongly feminine women, and vice versa, so that as a couple they can achieve ballance. The larger the difference between their sexual polarities, the stronger the attraction will be between a man and a woman.

Odds are that when you first met your wife you were strongly attracted to each other because you had a large difference in your sexual polarities. You were attracted to the strong feminine in her, and she was attracted to the strong masculine in you. This large difference in polarity created a lot of sexual energy between you and you both enjoyed it immensely.

However, once you were married things started to change. Without realizing what you were doing, you and your wife began to weaken the sexual polarity between you. Maybe she demanded that you start acting more feminine and you went along with it. Maybe you voluntarily began to become more feminine. Regardless of how it happened, your masculine energy began to weaken and along with it, the sexual energy in your relationship began to weaken as well.

This is the point where I will explain why many of the relationship books out there are doing more harm than good. Common wisdom over the past few years has been that men and women can only achieve peace in a relationship by becoming more equal in every way. Men are supposed to get in touch with their feelings and learn to cry at movies and stuff. Women are supposed to be ambitious and become military commanders. If all you wanted in your life was peace and relaxation, this would make sense. Eliminate sexual polarity and you will eliminate the biggest source of conflict in marriage. However, you will also eliminate the passion of the relationship.

The sexual energy and passion in a relationship is directly proportional to the difference in sexual polarity between the male and the female. Weaken the polalrity, and the sexual energy will weaken as well. When the difference in polarity becomes weak enough, sexual energy dissappears altogether.

Gentlemen, this means that if you want to have an exciting and passionate sex life with your wife, you can only do it one way. You have to re-establish the sexual polarity in your marriage. You have to apply effort to reawaken your male core and re-establish your masculine energy. If you do this, your wife will respond my moving in the opposite direction to re-establish her feminine energy. She will do this without even thinking about it. She will feel compelled to do this in order to maintain ballance for the relationship.

Calle's materials are about becoming a masculine man. Calle will teach you how to find that masculine core within yourself, dust it off, and make it shine again. Calle will show you how to behave in the way that you must behave in order to reactivate your masculine energy, and in turn cause your wife to reactivate her feminine energy. Calle will help you reestablish the sexual polarity that you must have in order to get your sex life back on track.

Now that I understand this prinicipal, I am prepared to toss out many of the other relationship materials that I own, and devote myself more completely to Calle's program.]]>
Over the past few months I have read, and reread Calle's materials, and tried to implement as much as possible in my life. However, I will admit that I did not give myself over to it completely. In some aspects of my marriage I continued to use methods that I had learned elsewhere that were not compataible with what Calle was teaching. I suppose this was a form of hedging my bets. I wanted to see which methods would have the most success.

I have also continued to read many other books, web sites and articles over the past few months, striving to fill holes in my knowledge and to gain more insight into which methods I should be using to to try and restore the sexual intimacy that has been lacking in my marriage.

Recently I read something that absolutely blew me away with how clearly and logically it explained the mystery of the human sex drive. After wrapping my brain around this theory for a while I went back to examine Calle's materials again and realized that they were totally in line with this theory. It gave me new confidence that this program would work for me, and that some of the other methods I had learned would actually do more harm than good.

For the benefit of all the men out there who are struggling to understand what happened to their sex life, I will try to explain the theory. I apologize if this sounds kind of mystical, but it is what it is. Bear with me and hopefully it will make sense by the end.

God designed the universe to contain a number of powerful dichotomies. These are systems of yin and yang in which a particular force has two important halves. Both halves are required in order for the system to work. Examples of this are hot and cold, light and dark, good and evil, strong and weak, life and death etc. In each of these systems, one half does not make sense without the other.

One of the most imporatnt dichotomies in the world of man is the sexual dichotomy of masculine and feminine. Imagine that sexual energy is a spectrum with 100% masculine at one end, and 100% feminine at the other end. At any given point in time, a human being will exist somewhere on the spectrum. Most men are on the masculine end of the spectrum, and most women are on the feminine end of the spectrum. For instance, a man may be 70% masculine, and 30% feminine. This is a ratio of how powerful the two forces are in his life and his personality.

All humans seek to achieve ballance in the sexual energy of their lives. They want to experience equal amounts of both. There are essentially two ways that this can be accomplished. You could choose to go the route of a buhddist monk and attempt to ballance the two energies within yourself. A male monk will seek to develop the feminine side of himself (love, compassion, kindness and mindfullness) until it is equal to his natural masculine energy (purposefulness, decisiveness, ambition etc). When the two energies within himself are perfectly ballanced 50/50 he will experience peace.

However, most of us do not want to live the extreme life of a monk. We do not want to work to ballance our internal sexual energies. Instead, most people seek to ballance the sexual energy in their world by seeking a partner who is their exact opposite. Strongly masculine men seek out strongly feminine women, and vice versa, so that as a couple they can achieve ballance. The larger the difference between their sexual polarities, the stronger the attraction will be between a man and a woman.

Odds are that when you first met your wife you were strongly attracted to each other because you had a large difference in your sexual polarities. You were attracted to the strong feminine in her, and she was attracted to the strong masculine in you. This large difference in polarity created a lot of sexual energy between you and you both enjoyed it immensely.

However, once you were married things started to change. Without realizing what you were doing, you and your wife began to weaken the sexual polarity between you. Maybe she demanded that you start acting more feminine and you went along with it. Maybe you voluntarily began to become more feminine. Regardless of how it happened, your masculine energy began to weaken and along with it, the sexual energy in your relationship began to weaken as well.

This is the point where I will explain why many of the relationship books out there are doing more harm than good. Common wisdom over the past few years has been that men and women can only achieve peace in a relationship by becoming more equal in every way. Men are supposed to get in touch with their feelings and learn to cry at movies and stuff. Women are supposed to be ambitious and become military commanders. If all you wanted in your life was peace and relaxation, this would make sense. Eliminate sexual polarity and you will eliminate the biggest source of conflict in marriage. However, you will also eliminate the passion of the relationship.

The sexual energy and passion in a relationship is directly proportional to the difference in sexual polarity between the male and the female. Weaken the polalrity, and the sexual energy will weaken as well. When the difference in polarity becomes weak enough, sexual energy dissappears altogether.

Gentlemen, this means that if you want to have an exciting and passionate sex life with your wife, you can only do it one way. You have to re-establish the sexual polarity in your marriage. You have to apply effort to reawaken your male core and re-establish your masculine energy. If you do this, your wife will respond my moving in the opposite direction to re-establish her feminine energy. She will do this without even thinking about it. She will feel compelled to do this in order to maintain ballance for the relationship.

Calle's materials are about becoming a masculine man. Calle will teach you how to find that masculine core within yourself, dust it off, and make it shine again. Calle will show you how to behave in the way that you must behave in order to reactivate your masculine energy, and in turn cause your wife to reactivate her feminine energy. Calle will help you reestablish the sexual polarity that you must have in order to get your sex life back on track.

Now that I understand this prinicipal, I am prepared to toss out many of the other relationship materials that I own, and devote myself more completely to Calle's program.]]> <![CDATA[What destroyed my marriage]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=679 Sat, 05 Jun 2010 08:24:57 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=679
In my case, our unresolved insecurities caused a neediness to develop in our relationship. This neediness was reinforced by a mental attitude that we now "owned" eachother, that we were a POSSESION of eachother, and because of this attitude, we now had the right to CONTROL eachother. Had we known that this attitude was destroying our marriage and especially had we known how to identify and correct this attitude to shift back to the sense of individuality and freedom that was so attractive to us, the many years of pain we endured as we struggled in our ignorance might have been avoided, and the blessings we were given could have been seen in the right light instead of taken for granted.

Calle's materials [Ed. http://www.DoThisGetSex.com] speak to this very issue. But they are only part of what needed to happen in order for the changes to occur that would bring them to clarity and practice. You see, I lost my marriage because I did not know how to become an individual again. I stripped away layer upon layer of the freedom we had as I tried to control my insecurites by seeking my wife's approval, by being jealous and envious, and by becoming dependant. In the Wife Seducer ebook, I was given the tools to identify these things. But head knowledge is not enough to allow for change to occur. Something much deeper had to happen in order for what I was learning to finally take hold in my life.

For me, it was the actual loss of my marriage that provided for this transformation to begin. I was so caught up in my own unresolved insecurities, insecurities that allowed me to blame my wife and others instead of accepting the truth about who I was, that it took the actual loss of my marriage to shock me into accepting truth.

Imagine for a moment that your wife tells you it is over. Imagine how you would feel. Would there be anger, blame, resentment, thoughts of your wife with another lover, jealousy, envy, denial? Would you brush it off as just another "mood" your wife is in? If you can relate to what I am saying, then you will know where I have been. And the end result was not the restoration of our relationship, but the final straw that caused my wife to block me completely from her.

It is easy to believe we all have time to fix our relationship with our wife. It is easy to excuse our ignorance. It is easy to try to use patchwork methods to repair the holes we drill in the fabric of our marriages. I am living proof of all these excuses and methods. My marriage has ended because of all of the above.

For me, I needed to be driven to the lowest possible emotional level in order to finally accept my need for help. It is only by coming to my end that I cried out to God for Him to stop the pain, and sob in the realization of what I had done to destroy my marriage. Only then could I be given the insight that my reaction to my insecurities, my neediness was the cause of so much of the pain. And when I finally came to this, when I thought that I was unloveable because of what I had done, did God come alongside me and hold me and show me how I needed to allow His will to begin leading me to the healing I desparately needed.

My story is not unlike that of the alcoholic, the drug addict, the sex maniac, or any other addictive personality. My addiction was to CONTROL, and this addiction nearly destroyed me and did destroy my marriage.

So where is the hope for me now? It is in God's hands to lead me through a more positive faith, a faith Calle's materials reinforce so eloquently, and it is to know that I do not control anything. My hope is to at least establish a friendship with my now "ex" wife, one that comes from a return to my freedom and away from neediness, so that what good can be salvaged might come by the will of God for our futures.

If my lesson can inspire you to begin this change in any way, then the pain I have endured will have brought some good. There is good out there, men. There is a way out, but it will not come by our will. It will come when we accept that we do not have the control and it will come when we honor the freedom each of us have been given, and the freedom of that of our wives. God bless you all in your journey back to this freedom. It is possible.]]>
In my case, our unresolved insecurities caused a neediness to develop in our relationship. This neediness was reinforced by a mental attitude that we now "owned" eachother, that we were a POSSESION of eachother, and because of this attitude, we now had the right to CONTROL eachother. Had we known that this attitude was destroying our marriage and especially had we known how to identify and correct this attitude to shift back to the sense of individuality and freedom that was so attractive to us, the many years of pain we endured as we struggled in our ignorance might have been avoided, and the blessings we were given could have been seen in the right light instead of taken for granted.

Calle's materials [Ed. http://www.DoThisGetSex.com] speak to this very issue. But they are only part of what needed to happen in order for the changes to occur that would bring them to clarity and practice. You see, I lost my marriage because I did not know how to become an individual again. I stripped away layer upon layer of the freedom we had as I tried to control my insecurites by seeking my wife's approval, by being jealous and envious, and by becoming dependant. In the Wife Seducer ebook, I was given the tools to identify these things. But head knowledge is not enough to allow for change to occur. Something much deeper had to happen in order for what I was learning to finally take hold in my life.

For me, it was the actual loss of my marriage that provided for this transformation to begin. I was so caught up in my own unresolved insecurities, insecurities that allowed me to blame my wife and others instead of accepting the truth about who I was, that it took the actual loss of my marriage to shock me into accepting truth.

Imagine for a moment that your wife tells you it is over. Imagine how you would feel. Would there be anger, blame, resentment, thoughts of your wife with another lover, jealousy, envy, denial? Would you brush it off as just another "mood" your wife is in? If you can relate to what I am saying, then you will know where I have been. And the end result was not the restoration of our relationship, but the final straw that caused my wife to block me completely from her.

It is easy to believe we all have time to fix our relationship with our wife. It is easy to excuse our ignorance. It is easy to try to use patchwork methods to repair the holes we drill in the fabric of our marriages. I am living proof of all these excuses and methods. My marriage has ended because of all of the above.

For me, I needed to be driven to the lowest possible emotional level in order to finally accept my need for help. It is only by coming to my end that I cried out to God for Him to stop the pain, and sob in the realization of what I had done to destroy my marriage. Only then could I be given the insight that my reaction to my insecurities, my neediness was the cause of so much of the pain. And when I finally came to this, when I thought that I was unloveable because of what I had done, did God come alongside me and hold me and show me how I needed to allow His will to begin leading me to the healing I desparately needed.

My story is not unlike that of the alcoholic, the drug addict, the sex maniac, or any other addictive personality. My addiction was to CONTROL, and this addiction nearly destroyed me and did destroy my marriage.

So where is the hope for me now? It is in God's hands to lead me through a more positive faith, a faith Calle's materials reinforce so eloquently, and it is to know that I do not control anything. My hope is to at least establish a friendship with my now "ex" wife, one that comes from a return to my freedom and away from neediness, so that what good can be salvaged might come by the will of God for our futures.

If my lesson can inspire you to begin this change in any way, then the pain I have endured will have brought some good. There is good out there, men. There is a way out, but it will not come by our will. It will come when we accept that we do not have the control and it will come when we honor the freedom each of us have been given, and the freedom of that of our wives. God bless you all in your journey back to this freedom. It is possible.]]> <![CDATA[A letter to my children]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=639 Mon, 17 May 2010 10:01:37 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=639

Dear xxxx and xxxx,

I came across some stuff that I want to pass along to the two of you. This is stuff my Dad wasn't able to pass along to me, and up until now, I couldn't share it with you because I just did not know how to say it.

I want both of you to know that I love you very much. If you can benefit from the mistakes I've made, and the lessons God is teaching me so that I am aware of how to change, then some good may come out of all this we've been through. So here it is:

Regarding your self image, remember that God intended you to be here. Because of that, you are always wanted and accepted by Him just the way you are. He loves you always, no matter how often you fail, and by the very fact that you are here, He approves of you. You do not need anyone else's approval in life so long as you keep this buried deep in your heart and remember it when things aren't going too well in your life.

As far as other people are concerned, everyone wants to be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated, and admired. These are the traits we all seek in others, and these are the traits they seek in us. As you honor God, these traits will stand out and make you a very attractive person. Others will be drawn to you. God designed us that way. The secret is knowing that just because others are attracted to these traits in us doesn't mean they are necessarily the right person for us. So how do we know when someone is right for us? Here's how.

First, become a person who can be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. We learn how to be these things by knowing we are honoring God in everything we do. The problems between people happen because one or more of these things are not happening in us or them, or both. Search your heart and you will see that this is true.

Second, look for a person you can love, trust, respect, appreciate and admire. If you find a person like this, they probably already have a desire to honor God themselves even though they may not know it yet. This type of person is willing to put your needs before theirs. They won't have selfish motives for why they want to be with you. It's not about what they can "get" from you, but what they can "give" to you unselfishly that makes these traits so attractive.

xxxx, you need to know that, as a man, you have to be the leader in this area. You need to be the one to step up to the plate first and become a man who can be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. You cannot wait for anyone to be that way first, and then you will be that way. God made you and I to be men. To be a man means we have the responsibility to lead. God gifted us with this ability, and He designed women to respond positively to this type of leadership. A man like this always considers the needs of the other person first and before his own. If you have sincerely become this type of man and a woman is not responding with love, trust, respect, appreciation and admiration for you, then be ready to walk away. Without these things from a woman, your needs will never be met because she is being too selfish to consider your needs. But the most important thing to remember is to first be that type of man, a man of integrity. A man who is a leader, confident, knows what he wants because he knows what his values are and will not back down from them no matter who challenges him. This is a man who will be very blessed in his relationship with a woman and will have all of his needs met.

xxxx, since God designed you to be a woman, you will naturally respond to a man like I just described. A man of integrity, who is a loving, trustworthy, respectable, and appreciative, is worthy of your admiration. This is the type of man that will be a tremendous blessing to you. He will not be needy, following you around like some puppy dog. He will be self confident, not cocky, and his confidence will come from his values and not his abilities. Look for a man like this and you will have all of your emotional needs met to the fullest. You will feel loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. And as you feel these things from him, match them, one for one. Respond to him as God designed you to respond. This is a man worthy of my daughters love. This is a man I would gladly turn my precious daughter over to because I will know you will be cared for the way I care for you.

So keep these things deep in your hearts, xxxx and xxxx. They are the key to a happy, loving relationship. They are the things that make a relationship work. They are the things that will bring you the joy God intends for all of us.

I love you both very much and I am proud of you.

Dad]]>

Dear xxxx and xxxx,

I came across some stuff that I want to pass along to the two of you. This is stuff my Dad wasn't able to pass along to me, and up until now, I couldn't share it with you because I just did not know how to say it.

I want both of you to know that I love you very much. If you can benefit from the mistakes I've made, and the lessons God is teaching me so that I am aware of how to change, then some good may come out of all this we've been through. So here it is:

Regarding your self image, remember that God intended you to be here. Because of that, you are always wanted and accepted by Him just the way you are. He loves you always, no matter how often you fail, and by the very fact that you are here, He approves of you. You do not need anyone else's approval in life so long as you keep this buried deep in your heart and remember it when things aren't going too well in your life.

As far as other people are concerned, everyone wants to be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated, and admired. These are the traits we all seek in others, and these are the traits they seek in us. As you honor God, these traits will stand out and make you a very attractive person. Others will be drawn to you. God designed us that way. The secret is knowing that just because others are attracted to these traits in us doesn't mean they are necessarily the right person for us. So how do we know when someone is right for us? Here's how.

First, become a person who can be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. We learn how to be these things by knowing we are honoring God in everything we do. The problems between people happen because one or more of these things are not happening in us or them, or both. Search your heart and you will see that this is true.

Second, look for a person you can love, trust, respect, appreciate and admire. If you find a person like this, they probably already have a desire to honor God themselves even though they may not know it yet. This type of person is willing to put your needs before theirs. They won't have selfish motives for why they want to be with you. It's not about what they can "get" from you, but what they can "give" to you unselfishly that makes these traits so attractive.

xxxx, you need to know that, as a man, you have to be the leader in this area. You need to be the one to step up to the plate first and become a man who can be loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. You cannot wait for anyone to be that way first, and then you will be that way. God made you and I to be men. To be a man means we have the responsibility to lead. God gifted us with this ability, and He designed women to respond positively to this type of leadership. A man like this always considers the needs of the other person first and before his own. If you have sincerely become this type of man and a woman is not responding with love, trust, respect, appreciation and admiration for you, then be ready to walk away. Without these things from a woman, your needs will never be met because she is being too selfish to consider your needs. But the most important thing to remember is to first be that type of man, a man of integrity. A man who is a leader, confident, knows what he wants because he knows what his values are and will not back down from them no matter who challenges him. This is a man who will be very blessed in his relationship with a woman and will have all of his needs met.

xxxx, since God designed you to be a woman, you will naturally respond to a man like I just described. A man of integrity, who is a loving, trustworthy, respectable, and appreciative, is worthy of your admiration. This is the type of man that will be a tremendous blessing to you. He will not be needy, following you around like some puppy dog. He will be self confident, not cocky, and his confidence will come from his values and not his abilities. Look for a man like this and you will have all of your emotional needs met to the fullest. You will feel loved, trusted, respected, appreciated and admired. And as you feel these things from him, match them, one for one. Respond to him as God designed you to respond. This is a man worthy of my daughters love. This is a man I would gladly turn my precious daughter over to because I will know you will be cared for the way I care for you.

So keep these things deep in your hearts, xxxx and xxxx. They are the key to a happy, loving relationship. They are the things that make a relationship work. They are the things that will bring you the joy God intends for all of us.

I love you both very much and I am proud of you.

Dad]]> <![CDATA[A very personal testimony]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=623 Thu, 13 May 2010 12:14:39 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=623




Find a woman you can communicate with and connect to on a deeply spiritual and physical level. Find value in her. Be interested learning about her and be genuinely interested in what she is saying. Show her that you love giving her all the time and energy you can to meet any and every need she has. Gain her complete respect and admiration, and return these things with your desire to care for her.


Be self-confident. Know who you are. Stand up for yourself. Know that as long as the relationship is meeting your needs, you will be willing to give her 110%. Feel how well everything is working out and how making the right decisions is just comes naturally. And with this attitude, watch as your relationship flourishes in every area.


Begin the process of decline by allowing challenges at work to take part of your focus from your wife to solving work problems. Allow work to take more and more of your energy. Start to doubt yourself as you struggle with challenges. Start allowing others to control your life by allowing this doubt to make you more and more dependent on their direction instead of knowing where you want to go.


Start letting your wife see that you are struggling. Allow your own fears to overcome you and possess your thoughts so you have less and less connection time to give to your wife. Reject your wife’s attempts to help you and view her advice as “not understanding” your situation. Start making the transition from meeting her needs to meeting the needs of your career.


Let fear continue to rob you of closeness with your wife. Make your fear of losing your job so large that it takes up most of your thoughts.


Start feeling irritated when your wife tries to help you. Start to give her things in place of yourself. Start rationalizing that giving her things is your way of telling her you love her. Start to believe she doesn’t know what she is talking about when she says “things” aren’t important to her. Start to doubt your relationship with her. Start to feel lost and less connected to her.


Feel like you know there is something wrong, but that you can’t put your finger on it. Put little effort into really getting to the bottom of this feeling. Try to ignore it and say to yourself it will work itself out.


Have a baby for the primary reason that you think it will make up for what you can’t give her. Think that by doing so, it will give her what she really wants, and stay clueless about her real needs for approval, appreciation, love and consideration.


When the baby comes, don’t connect with wanting to serve your wife’s new needs. Instead, consider it “her responsibility” and don’t take full ownership of the responsibility to be aware of their needs. Feel like you are doing your job by providing an income, and that should be enough.


Go back to focusing on work. Allow work to give you a sense of accomplishment and self worth instead of gaining that by learning how to meet the new needs of the family. Remove the fear of not doing things right with the baby by passing the responsibilities on to your wife. Continue to allow the problems at work to be more important than the problems at home because you are afraid how it would look if you were not able to provide if you lose your job. Let the opinion of others, the unresolved fears you have control you.


As you become better at your job, start to feel the pluses of work more attractive, and the problems of home unattractive. When your wife starts to voice her needs, rationalize that those are her problems to solve, that you have your own set of problems that are more important to you. Start to make her feel less and less important in your life by focusing most of your energy receiving respect at work instead of home.


As you watch things deteriorating in your sex life, start to want to control. Start to want to fix things at home like you fix things at work. Take charge of the ”problem” by believing the solutions can be found outside of yourself. Start to create more of a division of responsibilities in your mind – these are my problems, those are your problems. Become irritated when your wife needs your help solving “her” problems. Start to resent her for not being able to solve “her” problems on her own which take away your energy to solve your problems. Do not connect with the fact that the problems at home are your problems too.


Start to cling to sex as a way of regaining the closeness you feel you are losing with your wife. Start to resent that your wife doesn’t want to provide you with the “restoration” you need. Keep your focus on yourself, your needs, and get upset when she doesn’t want to meet them. Be sure you hold all this in so that it can erupt in other non-specific ways that do not directly relate to the problem.


Start to want to get away from your family with others so you can have some fun. Feel like you deserve it. Start to make the fun activities more important to you and rationalize them as “needing to get away”. Become irritated when your wife calls to tell you “her” problems and see it as inconsiderate on her part. Ask yourself “why can’t see just leave me alone for a few days? Doesn’t she understand that I “need” this and will be a better person for “us” if I can get away from problems and regroup?.


When you get home from your “alone time” feeling refreshed, ignore how tired your wife is. Say to yourself, “she could get away and relax like I did, but she won’t do it”. Fail to realize that she does not trust you to take care of the kids because she has not seen you prove that you can, and to go away would be equally or more stressful than staying home.


Start making jokes to your friends and co-workers when your wife calls. Get them to think she is nagging you when she calls. Do not understand that she feels overwhelmed and feels alone in her troubles. Ignore her cries for help and continue to believe they are “her” problems.


Put more and more of your energy into work. Meet more and more of your needs from work. Make the family a problem, and work a solution. Start to sense more resentment from your wife. Start to feel hassled by your wife. Start to feel drained when you come home, with no energy left to give to the family because you used most of it at work, and you allow the resentment to a “missed managed household” to rob you of every joy that would come from helping your wife at home.


Trudge through each day like a slave, just getting through. Start to loose any feelings of joy as you begin to sense things aren’t going well despite all the efforts you have been making.


Start to feel confused. Let this confusion disable you from connecting with any emotions. Start to feel lost, aimless.


Turn to counseling, turn to God, turn to friends as you seek to overcome your “lost” feelings. Become frustrated with yourself as you just can’t seem to “get it” because you have become lost in the process. Start to feel like you want to give up.


Let your wife see more and more of your hopelessness. Feel less and less like a man, and more and more like a failure.


Take all of your blessings for granted. Continue to buy things for the quick fix of joy, only to find that it quickly fades and then becomes a “maintenance” issue, another problem among the many you already feel you have.


Argue more and more with your wife, failing still to get out of your lost feelings and wanting her to fix you. And when she gives you advise, resent it because you can’t see that she is trying to help you. Instead, see it as another way you have failed.


Withdraw from the family as you become more and more frustrated at your inability to solve and control your problem. Become more controlling of your wife as an attempt to gain control of your life.


Fail to see what this is doing to your wife and family. Fail to feel her pain as she watches her husband self-destruct and can do nothing to help him. Miss it when you start to snap at her, criticize her, and control her, because your own life is out of control.


Continue to believe everyone else is the problem because you are blind and confused and trying to maintain some level of sanity.


Let fear control you, making you more and more blind, more and more resentful, more and more self-focused.


Start praying to God for help.


Struggle to gain your wife’s approval by being overly helpful. Lose your sense of balance in the relationship. Start to ignore your own needs because you think they are selfish and you want to “prove” to your wife that you aren’t as selfish as she says you are.


Desperately try to get back up on your horse so your wife respects you again. Become increasingly frustrated as no matter what you do, it does not achieve the respect of your wife. Resent even more as your efforts fail. Become angry, irritable, and more distant each time your efforts go unrewarded, and repeat the cycle day after day, week after week, month after month.


Hurt your children as you put your pride first by arguing with your wife about respect over the effects on them.


Move out in an effort to stop arguing, and continue to search, but not find the answers because you do not know how to change.


Show your wife that despite your physical absence, nothing is changing because you still feel you need her respect to feel complete.


Continue to ignore her true needs, even as a friend, and insist in your mind and actions that you still deserve sex.


Drive her so far from you that her only choice is to end the relationship in a last attempt for peace in her life.


Once you have done all this, read Calle’s books, and pray that finally you can find a path back to wholeness again. Pray that you have reached the end of the misery and the beginning of a new era. Pray that you will allow yourself to get better by understanding and doing the right things to bring you out of your hole. Then, get busy.]]>




Find a woman you can communicate with and connect to on a deeply spiritual and physical level. Find value in her. Be interested learning about her and be genuinely interested in what she is saying. Show her that you love giving her all the time and energy you can to meet any and every need she has. Gain her complete respect and admiration, and return these things with your desire to care for her.


Be self-confident. Know who you are. Stand up for yourself. Know that as long as the relationship is meeting your needs, you will be willing to give her 110%. Feel how well everything is working out and how making the right decisions is just comes naturally. And with this attitude, watch as your relationship flourishes in every area.


Begin the process of decline by allowing challenges at work to take part of your focus from your wife to solving work problems. Allow work to take more and more of your energy. Start to doubt yourself as you struggle with challenges. Start allowing others to control your life by allowing this doubt to make you more and more dependent on their direction instead of knowing where you want to go.


Start letting your wife see that you are struggling. Allow your own fears to overcome you and possess your thoughts so you have less and less connection time to give to your wife. Reject your wife’s attempts to help you and view her advice as “not understanding” your situation. Start making the transition from meeting her needs to meeting the needs of your career.


Let fear continue to rob you of closeness with your wife. Make your fear of losing your job so large that it takes up most of your thoughts.


Start feeling irritated when your wife tries to help you. Start to give her things in place of yourself. Start rationalizing that giving her things is your way of telling her you love her. Start to believe she doesn’t know what she is talking about when she says “things” aren’t important to her. Start to doubt your relationship with her. Start to feel lost and less connected to her.


Feel like you know there is something wrong, but that you can’t put your finger on it. Put little effort into really getting to the bottom of this feeling. Try to ignore it and say to yourself it will work itself out.


Have a baby for the primary reason that you think it will make up for what you can’t give her. Think that by doing so, it will give her what she really wants, and stay clueless about her real needs for approval, appreciation, love and consideration.


When the baby comes, don’t connect with wanting to serve your wife’s new needs. Instead, consider it “her responsibility” and don’t take full ownership of the responsibility to be aware of their needs. Feel like you are doing your job by providing an income, and that should be enough.


Go back to focusing on work. Allow work to give you a sense of accomplishment and self worth instead of gaining that by learning how to meet the new needs of the family. Remove the fear of not doing things right with the baby by passing the responsibilities on to your wife. Continue to allow the problems at work to be more important than the problems at home because you are afraid how it would look if you were not able to provide if you lose your job. Let the opinion of others, the unresolved fears you have control you.


As you become better at your job, start to feel the pluses of work more attractive, and the problems of home unattractive. When your wife starts to voice her needs, rationalize that those are her problems to solve, that you have your own set of problems that are more important to you. Start to make her feel less and less important in your life by focusing most of your energy receiving respect at work instead of home.


As you watch things deteriorating in your sex life, start to want to control. Start to want to fix things at home like you fix things at work. Take charge of the ”problem” by believing the solutions can be found outside of yourself. Start to create more of a division of responsibilities in your mind – these are my problems, those are your problems. Become irritated when your wife needs your help solving “her” problems. Start to resent her for not being able to solve “her” problems on her own which take away your energy to solve your problems. Do not connect with the fact that the problems at home are your problems too.


Start to cling to sex as a way of regaining the closeness you feel you are losing with your wife. Start to resent that your wife doesn’t want to provide you with the “restoration” you need. Keep your focus on yourself, your needs, and get upset when she doesn’t want to meet them. Be sure you hold all this in so that it can erupt in other non-specific ways that do not directly relate to the problem.


Start to want to get away from your family with others so you can have some fun. Feel like you deserve it. Start to make the fun activities more important to you and rationalize them as “needing to get away”. Become irritated when your wife calls to tell you “her” problems and see it as inconsiderate on her part. Ask yourself “why can’t see just leave me alone for a few days? Doesn’t she understand that I “need” this and will be a better person for “us” if I can get away from problems and regroup?.


When you get home from your “alone time” feeling refreshed, ignore how tired your wife is. Say to yourself, “she could get away and relax like I did, but she won’t do it”. Fail to realize that she does not trust you to take care of the kids because she has not seen you prove that you can, and to go away would be equally or more stressful than staying home.


Start making jokes to your friends and co-workers when your wife calls. Get them to think she is nagging you when she calls. Do not understand that she feels overwhelmed and feels alone in her troubles. Ignore her cries for help and continue to believe they are “her” problems.


Put more and more of your energy into work. Meet more and more of your needs from work. Make the family a problem, and work a solution. Start to sense more resentment from your wife. Start to feel hassled by your wife. Start to feel drained when you come home, with no energy left to give to the family because you used most of it at work, and you allow the resentment to a “missed managed household” to rob you of every joy that would come from helping your wife at home.


Trudge through each day like a slave, just getting through. Start to loose any feelings of joy as you begin to sense things aren’t going well despite all the efforts you have been making.


Start to feel confused. Let this confusion disable you from connecting with any emotions. Start to feel lost, aimless.


Turn to counseling, turn to God, turn to friends as you seek to overcome your “lost” feelings. Become frustrated with yourself as you just can’t seem to “get it” because you have become lost in the process. Start to feel like you want to give up.


Let your wife see more and more of your hopelessness. Feel less and less like a man, and more and more like a failure.


Take all of your blessings for granted. Continue to buy things for the quick fix of joy, only to find that it quickly fades and then becomes a “maintenance” issue, another problem among the many you already feel you have.


Argue more and more with your wife, failing still to get out of your lost feelings and wanting her to fix you. And when she gives you advise, resent it because you can’t see that she is trying to help you. Instead, see it as another way you have failed.


Withdraw from the family as you become more and more frustrated at your inability to solve and control your problem. Become more controlling of your wife as an attempt to gain control of your life.


Fail to see what this is doing to your wife and family. Fail to feel her pain as she watches her husband self-destruct and can do nothing to help him. Miss it when you start to snap at her, criticize her, and control her, because your own life is out of control.


Continue to believe everyone else is the problem because you are blind and confused and trying to maintain some level of sanity.


Let fear control you, making you more and more blind, more and more resentful, more and more self-focused.


Start praying to God for help.


Struggle to gain your wife’s approval by being overly helpful. Lose your sense of balance in the relationship. Start to ignore your own needs because you think they are selfish and you want to “prove” to your wife that you aren’t as selfish as she says you are.


Desperately try to get back up on your horse so your wife respects you again. Become increasingly frustrated as no matter what you do, it does not achieve the respect of your wife. Resent even more as your efforts fail. Become angry, irritable, and more distant each time your efforts go unrewarded, and repeat the cycle day after day, week after week, month after month.


Hurt your children as you put your pride first by arguing with your wife about respect over the effects on them.


Move out in an effort to stop arguing, and continue to search, but not find the answers because you do not know how to change.


Show your wife that despite your physical absence, nothing is changing because you still feel you need her respect to feel complete.


Continue to ignore her true needs, even as a friend, and insist in your mind and actions that you still deserve sex.


Drive her so far from you that her only choice is to end the relationship in a last attempt for peace in her life.


Once you have done all this, read Calle’s books, and pray that finally you can find a path back to wholeness again. Pray that you have reached the end of the misery and the beginning of a new era. Pray that you will allow yourself to get better by understanding and doing the right things to bring you out of your hole. Then, get busy.]]> <![CDATA[The science that explains why Calle's program works]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=602 Thu, 06 May 2010 10:52:46 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=602
A few months ago I was in the same boat. I read the ads on the Married And Happy web site and I thought it was too good to be true. I did not believe that I could have that kind of marriage just because I read some EBooks. However, out of curiosity I purchased the Sexual Marriage EBook and decided to make an honest attempt to put it into practice. Almost immediately I started to see results.

I don't believe in magic. When I find something that works I am not content to just say that it works just because it does. I want to know WHY it works. So, after reading 4 of Calle's EBooks I went out and did some other reading on the subject of Psychology and human relationships. Now I know why Calle's methods work and I will try to explain it without writing a book in the process.

First some very basic psychology:

There are two forces that control our behavior. PAIN is the force that motivates us to AVOID certain behaviors. PLEASURE is the force that motivates us to REPEAT certain behaviors. I'm sure this is nothing new to you. You learned this in high school. Pain motivates you to not put your hand in a fire. Pleasure motivates you to eat and have sex. There are no other motivators. Everything you do is driven by the motivation to either avoid doing something that is painful, or continue doing something that is pleasurable.

The brain has a very simplistic, but powerful method for sorting out what causes pain and what causes pleasure. Whenever you feel a sensation of pain or pleasure your mind will do a quick survey of the environment to determine what unique factors may be contributing to this sensation. Each time that a particular unique factor comes up in conjunction with pain or pleasure, the mental association between the sensation and the factor will be strengthened. For example, after burning your hand in a fire a few times your brain will create a strong association between fire and pain. You learn to anticipate that touching fire causes pain so DON'T DO IT. The same goes for pleasure. You learn to anticipate that having sex gives pleasure, so you try to repeat that behavior as often as possible.

Another piece of important, but not so obvious psychology:

The traditional roles of men and women in society were very different, and thus our brains developed differently in order to better meet the particular needs of each gender. In early societies, a man's survival depended mostly on his own skills. So long as he could hunt and defend himself, a man was safe. So when it came to mating, men did not care one bit if their mate liked them or not. They only cared about whether or not this mate was healthy enough to bear their children, and sane enough to take care of them afterward. Because of this, men developed a strong bias towards physical cues when determining if a potential mate is attractive or not.

Women were in a different situation. They were not typically strong enough and fast enough to hunt and defend themselves. In order to survive they had to rely on their ability to attract a male who would do those things for them. Bearing children was (and still is) a very large investment for a woman. She was not going to mate with a man who might take off and abandon her and the child to starve afterward. She wanted a man who was committed to protecting her and keeping her close. Because of this, women developed a strong bias towards the emotional attractiveness of a man and strong need to feel connected to a man before she will mate with him.

So that is all well and good, but how does it realte to your modern marriage relationship?

First of all, you need to recognize that in order to have a happy sexual relationship with your wife, you MUST make yourself emotionally attractive to her. You must allow her to feel that you have a strong emotional connection with her and that she is safe, secure, loved and appreciated. Her mind will NOT allow her to relax and enjoy a loving sexual relationship if her emotional needs are not being met.

Secondly, you need to recognize that you CANNOT use negative tactics to control your wife's behavior. Negative tactics cause pain, and are therefore most useful in teaching another person what NOT to do. When you berate your wife for not having sex with you, she feels inadequate and attacked. This is painful for her and her brain searches for what is causing this pain. You might hope that she will associate that pain with your message that you are not getting enough sex, but this is usually not the case. More likely she is going to associate the pain with you and the way you are behaving. If this behavior is repeated she will create a strong association between you and feeling pain. People avoid things that cause them pain.

Calle understands all of this, and that is why he has developed a program and works on the opposite principal. Calle knows that if you want to encourage your wife to repeat certain patterns of behavior, you have to do it by giving her pleasure. Calle has developed a program that allows YOU to become a strong and independant man who is SELF validating and in control of himself. From that position of power, Calle will then teach you how to GIVE your wife strong positive experiences that will cause her to associate YOU with PLEASURE.

Thats right, the same basic principals that cause your wife to eat more chocolate than is good for her will also allow you to enjoy a healthy sexual marriage. This is not voodoo magic that Calle is selling here. It is a proven technique for modifying human behavior that is well grounded in the science of psychology.

Still not convinced. Ask yourself this:

What would you rather have
a) A wife who pleases you because she is afraid of what will happen if she dosen't
b) A wife who pleases you because she is head over heels in love with you and wants you to be happy with her

It is actually a trick question. If you focus on b) then a) will happen all by itself with no extra effort on your part. If you follow Calle's program and work hard at becoming the kind of man that ANY woman could fall head over heels in love with, then your wife will step up to be worthy of your love because she will NOT want to lose you.]]>
A few months ago I was in the same boat. I read the ads on the Married And Happy web site and I thought it was too good to be true. I did not believe that I could have that kind of marriage just because I read some EBooks. However, out of curiosity I purchased the Sexual Marriage EBook and decided to make an honest attempt to put it into practice. Almost immediately I started to see results.

I don't believe in magic. When I find something that works I am not content to just say that it works just because it does. I want to know WHY it works. So, after reading 4 of Calle's EBooks I went out and did some other reading on the subject of Psychology and human relationships. Now I know why Calle's methods work and I will try to explain it without writing a book in the process.

First some very basic psychology:

There are two forces that control our behavior. PAIN is the force that motivates us to AVOID certain behaviors. PLEASURE is the force that motivates us to REPEAT certain behaviors. I'm sure this is nothing new to you. You learned this in high school. Pain motivates you to not put your hand in a fire. Pleasure motivates you to eat and have sex. There are no other motivators. Everything you do is driven by the motivation to either avoid doing something that is painful, or continue doing something that is pleasurable.

The brain has a very simplistic, but powerful method for sorting out what causes pain and what causes pleasure. Whenever you feel a sensation of pain or pleasure your mind will do a quick survey of the environment to determine what unique factors may be contributing to this sensation. Each time that a particular unique factor comes up in conjunction with pain or pleasure, the mental association between the sensation and the factor will be strengthened. For example, after burning your hand in a fire a few times your brain will create a strong association between fire and pain. You learn to anticipate that touching fire causes pain so DON'T DO IT. The same goes for pleasure. You learn to anticipate that having sex gives pleasure, so you try to repeat that behavior as often as possible.

Another piece of important, but not so obvious psychology:

The traditional roles of men and women in society were very different, and thus our brains developed differently in order to better meet the particular needs of each gender. In early societies, a man's survival depended mostly on his own skills. So long as he could hunt and defend himself, a man was safe. So when it came to mating, men did not care one bit if their mate liked them or not. They only cared about whether or not this mate was healthy enough to bear their children, and sane enough to take care of them afterward. Because of this, men developed a strong bias towards physical cues when determining if a potential mate is attractive or not.

Women were in a different situation. They were not typically strong enough and fast enough to hunt and defend themselves. In order to survive they had to rely on their ability to attract a male who would do those things for them. Bearing children was (and still is) a very large investment for a woman. She was not going to mate with a man who might take off and abandon her and the child to starve afterward. She wanted a man who was committed to protecting her and keeping her close. Because of this, women developed a strong bias towards the emotional attractiveness of a man and strong need to feel connected to a man before she will mate with him.

So that is all well and good, but how does it realte to your modern marriage relationship?

First of all, you need to recognize that in order to have a happy sexual relationship with your wife, you MUST make yourself emotionally attractive to her. You must allow her to feel that you have a strong emotional connection with her and that she is safe, secure, loved and appreciated. Her mind will NOT allow her to relax and enjoy a loving sexual relationship if her emotional needs are not being met.

Secondly, you need to recognize that you CANNOT use negative tactics to control your wife's behavior. Negative tactics cause pain, and are therefore most useful in teaching another person what NOT to do. When you berate your wife for not having sex with you, she feels inadequate and attacked. This is painful for her and her brain searches for what is causing this pain. You might hope that she will associate that pain with your message that you are not getting enough sex, but this is usually not the case. More likely she is going to associate the pain with you and the way you are behaving. If this behavior is repeated she will create a strong association between you and feeling pain. People avoid things that cause them pain.

Calle understands all of this, and that is why he has developed a program and works on the opposite principal. Calle knows that if you want to encourage your wife to repeat certain patterns of behavior, you have to do it by giving her pleasure. Calle has developed a program that allows YOU to become a strong and independant man who is SELF validating and in control of himself. From that position of power, Calle will then teach you how to GIVE your wife strong positive experiences that will cause her to associate YOU with PLEASURE.

Thats right, the same basic principals that cause your wife to eat more chocolate than is good for her will also allow you to enjoy a healthy sexual marriage. This is not voodoo magic that Calle is selling here. It is a proven technique for modifying human behavior that is well grounded in the science of psychology.

Still not convinced. Ask yourself this:

What would you rather have
a) A wife who pleases you because she is afraid of what will happen if she dosen't
b) A wife who pleases you because she is head over heels in love with you and wants you to be happy with her

It is actually a trick question. If you focus on b) then a) will happen all by itself with no extra effort on your part. If you follow Calle's program and work hard at becoming the kind of man that ANY woman could fall head over heels in love with, then your wife will step up to be worthy of your love because she will NOT want to lose you.]]> <![CDATA[Runaway Husbands - Newspaper Article]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=601 Thu, 06 May 2010 07:30:11 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=601
See the link below to view the original:

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Runawa...story.html

-----------------------------------------------------------

The autumn day in 2006 when Vikki Stark's life changed forever started as such days usually do -- unremarkably.

The family therapist and author had just returned to Montreal after a gruelling 3,000-kilometre trip to promote her first book My Sister, Myself, and was looking forward to spending a few quiet days with her husband of 21 years.

Her husband, a South African who was "so devoted ... the personification of honesty and decency," had kept her company via attentive calls throughout her trip, and before she left, had lovingly signed cards that said "Thank you for the myriad joys you bring me!" "He was an unusually affectionate and warm sweetheart," she recalls. "We had a healthy relationship."

So nothing could have prepared her for what transpired on that fall day. Spark spent a happy afternoon unpacking. Then her husband returned from work. "I threaded my arm through his, gave him a squeeze and said, 'I bought fish.' He looked at me rather strangely and said, 'It's over.' "

For a moment, Stark wondered if he no longer ate fish. Then he said the words she thought she'd never hear: "The marriage. It's over. I'm leaving you. I'm moving in with my girlfriend."

At first, Stark didn't believe him. But by the end of the evening, he'd laid it out in crushing terms: he'd been having an affair for six years, although they'd broken up five years before because he wanted Stark to care for him during his liver transplant; he'd secretly taken his sabbatical with his girlfriend to South Africa, all the while calling his wife to say how lonely he was; and while Stark was on the road, he'd moved his lover into her bed. "His girlfriend has been at my house, cooking dinner in my kitchen and sleeping in my bed," she says, with painful clarity. "I hate to sound dramatic, but it felt like he'd stuck a knife in, turned it and then watched dispassionately as I sat there bleeding."

What could she have done differently? Did she miss the signs of an affair? According to Stark, such questions tormented her as she searched for answers, which she unravels in her latest book, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal. Although it took ages to get over feeling like she'd been "hit by a Mack truck in my own living room," she was also able to use her training to study what she has now dubbed "Wife Abandonment Syndrome." Based on interviews and a survey of 400 women, Stark says she's come to terms with some of the "eerily similar" behaviours runaway husbands display. "From what they would say, where they would be sitting, the time of year, what they did subsequently and how angry and resentful they became after they left, it became clear that there was definitely a pattern at play."

Almost to a man, the husbands were principled people, spectacular spouses, affectionate lovers and devoted fathers who "were the envy of the wife's women friends." None of the marriages had a history of unresolved or serious issues, although by the time the husband made his announcement during a seemingly off-hand moment such as when doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, he was already well-prepared for his move, often with another partner. In many cases, the reasons for leaving were inane to the extreme. According to Stark's survey, one man said he realized after 38 years that Sagittarius and Capricorn "just don't mix;" another said his wife left too many shoes at the back door.

In 44 per cent of cases Stark studied, the husband left between November and January; nearly every one later became hostile or virtually disappeared.

Such was the experience of Catherine Smith, 53, who works for a biotech firm in Victoria, B.C. Although she wasn't living "a fantasy marriage," she says her hard-working partner was "my confidante and my best friend." However, when he returned from a holiday in India and Bhutan in 2005, he suddenly announced he'd fallen in love with a woman on the trip and that a psychic had told them they were soul mates. He immediately moved out, ignored Smith's requests for couples' counselling or contact, and soon married his new partner. He now lives in Switzerland and has seen his 13-year-old daughter once in the past year.

"Everyone was shocked and asked why I didn't see it coming," she says. "But I couldn't -- we didn't have serious issues. Initially, he sent me a couple of letters saying this was the most courageous thing he'd ever done, that he had so many responsibilities and for once, he was doing something for himself."

According to Stark, such rationalization is one clue to why otherwise responsible, attentive and loving husbands bolt. She cites a study at Illinois' Northwest University, in which researchers studying a person's morality versus comfort with wrongdoing found surprising results. "People who assess themselves as exceptionally good cut themselves more slack in certain situations and may even give themselves license to act unethically," she says. "It's the 'I gave at the office' mentality. Similarly, men who run away from their marriages may feel that their former good reputation should be enough to excuse this current little transgression."

Stark believes the behaviour is actually founded in the past. Since boys are not typically encouraged to attach to their mothers, "they're stuck with an inherent paradox: If they seek out their mother's warmth, which they need in order to feel secure, they risk having their very identity questioned.

"As men, they need their wives desperately, putting them on a pedestal, but deep down hate the very fact that they need them so much -- that hunger makes them feel vulnerable." And as a man hits midlife, and feels "his power is on the wane, he may subconsciously blame his wife for not protecting him from that blow to the ego. As his disillusionment with himself builds, so does the case against his wife, who is often at the height of her powers at midlife. Then, to preserve his identity, the decision is made to escape from that person whom he perceives as causing his diminishment."

It sounds too neat, and perhaps does not account enough for the other side of the coin -- the play between husband and wife, their sex life, the tacit and perhaps blind assumption that all is well when there are, in fact, small injustices that grow into irreparable rents in the fabric of a marriage.

As such, says Stark, part of the responsibility for miscommunication rests with women because they "don't really understand men. They don't understand how important sex is to their feeling of being successful in the world. They don't understand how men think, what's important to them, how fragile they are emotionally and why they shut down when they're upset. A woman thinks that means he doesn't care, but he's shutting down because he can't take it."

That realization, she says, is critical for all marriages going forward. "I think the one thing I could have done differently is checked in. I thought if there was a problem, he'd tell me. But men aren't socialized to talk about their feelings first, and I never said, 'How are we doing?' Now, I would recommend checking in, no matter how things look on the surface."

© Copyright © The Ottawa Citizen]]>
See the link below to view the original:

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Runawa...story.html

-----------------------------------------------------------

The autumn day in 2006 when Vikki Stark's life changed forever started as such days usually do -- unremarkably.

The family therapist and author had just returned to Montreal after a gruelling 3,000-kilometre trip to promote her first book My Sister, Myself, and was looking forward to spending a few quiet days with her husband of 21 years.

Her husband, a South African who was "so devoted ... the personification of honesty and decency," had kept her company via attentive calls throughout her trip, and before she left, had lovingly signed cards that said "Thank you for the myriad joys you bring me!" "He was an unusually affectionate and warm sweetheart," she recalls. "We had a healthy relationship."

So nothing could have prepared her for what transpired on that fall day. Spark spent a happy afternoon unpacking. Then her husband returned from work. "I threaded my arm through his, gave him a squeeze and said, 'I bought fish.' He looked at me rather strangely and said, 'It's over.' "

For a moment, Stark wondered if he no longer ate fish. Then he said the words she thought she'd never hear: "The marriage. It's over. I'm leaving you. I'm moving in with my girlfriend."

At first, Stark didn't believe him. But by the end of the evening, he'd laid it out in crushing terms: he'd been having an affair for six years, although they'd broken up five years before because he wanted Stark to care for him during his liver transplant; he'd secretly taken his sabbatical with his girlfriend to South Africa, all the while calling his wife to say how lonely he was; and while Stark was on the road, he'd moved his lover into her bed. "His girlfriend has been at my house, cooking dinner in my kitchen and sleeping in my bed," she says, with painful clarity. "I hate to sound dramatic, but it felt like he'd stuck a knife in, turned it and then watched dispassionately as I sat there bleeding."

What could she have done differently? Did she miss the signs of an affair? According to Stark, such questions tormented her as she searched for answers, which she unravels in her latest book, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal. Although it took ages to get over feeling like she'd been "hit by a Mack truck in my own living room," she was also able to use her training to study what she has now dubbed "Wife Abandonment Syndrome." Based on interviews and a survey of 400 women, Stark says she's come to terms with some of the "eerily similar" behaviours runaway husbands display. "From what they would say, where they would be sitting, the time of year, what they did subsequently and how angry and resentful they became after they left, it became clear that there was definitely a pattern at play."

Almost to a man, the husbands were principled people, spectacular spouses, affectionate lovers and devoted fathers who "were the envy of the wife's women friends." None of the marriages had a history of unresolved or serious issues, although by the time the husband made his announcement during a seemingly off-hand moment such as when doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, he was already well-prepared for his move, often with another partner. In many cases, the reasons for leaving were inane to the extreme. According to Stark's survey, one man said he realized after 38 years that Sagittarius and Capricorn "just don't mix;" another said his wife left too many shoes at the back door.

In 44 per cent of cases Stark studied, the husband left between November and January; nearly every one later became hostile or virtually disappeared.

Such was the experience of Catherine Smith, 53, who works for a biotech firm in Victoria, B.C. Although she wasn't living "a fantasy marriage," she says her hard-working partner was "my confidante and my best friend." However, when he returned from a holiday in India and Bhutan in 2005, he suddenly announced he'd fallen in love with a woman on the trip and that a psychic had told them they were soul mates. He immediately moved out, ignored Smith's requests for couples' counselling or contact, and soon married his new partner. He now lives in Switzerland and has seen his 13-year-old daughter once in the past year.

"Everyone was shocked and asked why I didn't see it coming," she says. "But I couldn't -- we didn't have serious issues. Initially, he sent me a couple of letters saying this was the most courageous thing he'd ever done, that he had so many responsibilities and for once, he was doing something for himself."

According to Stark, such rationalization is one clue to why otherwise responsible, attentive and loving husbands bolt. She cites a study at Illinois' Northwest University, in which researchers studying a person's morality versus comfort with wrongdoing found surprising results. "People who assess themselves as exceptionally good cut themselves more slack in certain situations and may even give themselves license to act unethically," she says. "It's the 'I gave at the office' mentality. Similarly, men who run away from their marriages may feel that their former good reputation should be enough to excuse this current little transgression."

Stark believes the behaviour is actually founded in the past. Since boys are not typically encouraged to attach to their mothers, "they're stuck with an inherent paradox: If they seek out their mother's warmth, which they need in order to feel secure, they risk having their very identity questioned.

"As men, they need their wives desperately, putting them on a pedestal, but deep down hate the very fact that they need them so much -- that hunger makes them feel vulnerable." And as a man hits midlife, and feels "his power is on the wane, he may subconsciously blame his wife for not protecting him from that blow to the ego. As his disillusionment with himself builds, so does the case against his wife, who is often at the height of her powers at midlife. Then, to preserve his identity, the decision is made to escape from that person whom he perceives as causing his diminishment."

It sounds too neat, and perhaps does not account enough for the other side of the coin -- the play between husband and wife, their sex life, the tacit and perhaps blind assumption that all is well when there are, in fact, small injustices that grow into irreparable rents in the fabric of a marriage.

As such, says Stark, part of the responsibility for miscommunication rests with women because they "don't really understand men. They don't understand how important sex is to their feeling of being successful in the world. They don't understand how men think, what's important to them, how fragile they are emotionally and why they shut down when they're upset. A woman thinks that means he doesn't care, but he's shutting down because he can't take it."

That realization, she says, is critical for all marriages going forward. "I think the one thing I could have done differently is checked in. I thought if there was a problem, he'd tell me. But men aren't socialized to talk about their feelings first, and I never said, 'How are we doing?' Now, I would recommend checking in, no matter how things look on the surface."

© Copyright © The Ottawa Citizen]]> <![CDATA[Finding Married and Happy.]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=583 Thu, 29 Apr 2010 08:22:47 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=583
You are one of the lucky ones. You have found “MarriedandHappy”

Now you are trying to decide if you should purchase Calle’s e-books.

If you are anything like me, you have been all over the internet reading every article you could find, looking for the answer to the problems in your marriage. And, like me. You probably found a hundred sites of marriage counselors promising that they had the answers. You may have even purchased some of them. Or you may have even tried to see a traditional marriage counselor. And, maybe just like me. Things just seemed to get worse. The fighting just escalated. Every bad thing you ever said or did was drug up and stuck right in your face. Your wife ended up resenting you even more than before.
Needless to say, your sex life most likely went from bad to non-existent.

Now here you are again, taking another chance. Maybe your last ditch effort to find the answer.
Well, in my opinion. You can stop looking. You have found the right place. You have found the place that has the real answers to your problems. All the rest of them are just plain BS.

Over the four months since purchasing Calle’s material. My marriage has went from a place of anger, resentment, despise, and almost pure hatred.
To a place of having the ability to communicate, in an open and honest way. A place where the possibility of a happy future is now possible. I won’t say everything is perfect (yet) as I still have a lot of work to be done. But, I can say that I now have the tools to do so.

Calle’s wisdom and insights on a happy, fulfilling marriage are nothing less than amazing. He has taught me more about myself and the way a woman thinks and feels then I ever thought possible. His material’s can and will change your perspective of your marriage and your life. If that’s not enough, He also offers daily support and advice for any given situation on the “MarriedandHappy Forum”

Then there is the forum itself. I have had the pleasure of interacting with some of the most amazing men that can be found. They are open, honest, and caring men.
They have given me invaluable advice and support in a time where I could not find it anywhere else. My friends and family simply could not offer the same insights as men who have lived through the same experiences.
Through there own experiences and the amazing insights and guidance from Calle, They have not only taught me how to change my marriage. But, have guided me through the toughest of times.

So, if you are here checking out this site and you’re not quite sure.
Please, for the sake of your marriage. Give it a chance. I promise you will not regret it.]]>
You are one of the lucky ones. You have found “MarriedandHappy”

Now you are trying to decide if you should purchase Calle’s e-books.

If you are anything like me, you have been all over the internet reading every article you could find, looking for the answer to the problems in your marriage. And, like me. You probably found a hundred sites of marriage counselors promising that they had the answers. You may have even purchased some of them. Or you may have even tried to see a traditional marriage counselor. And, maybe just like me. Things just seemed to get worse. The fighting just escalated. Every bad thing you ever said or did was drug up and stuck right in your face. Your wife ended up resenting you even more than before.
Needless to say, your sex life most likely went from bad to non-existent.

Now here you are again, taking another chance. Maybe your last ditch effort to find the answer.
Well, in my opinion. You can stop looking. You have found the right place. You have found the place that has the real answers to your problems. All the rest of them are just plain BS.

Over the four months since purchasing Calle’s material. My marriage has went from a place of anger, resentment, despise, and almost pure hatred.
To a place of having the ability to communicate, in an open and honest way. A place where the possibility of a happy future is now possible. I won’t say everything is perfect (yet) as I still have a lot of work to be done. But, I can say that I now have the tools to do so.

Calle’s wisdom and insights on a happy, fulfilling marriage are nothing less than amazing. He has taught me more about myself and the way a woman thinks and feels then I ever thought possible. His material’s can and will change your perspective of your marriage and your life. If that’s not enough, He also offers daily support and advice for any given situation on the “MarriedandHappy Forum”

Then there is the forum itself. I have had the pleasure of interacting with some of the most amazing men that can be found. They are open, honest, and caring men.
They have given me invaluable advice and support in a time where I could not find it anywhere else. My friends and family simply could not offer the same insights as men who have lived through the same experiences.
Through there own experiences and the amazing insights and guidance from Calle, They have not only taught me how to change my marriage. But, have guided me through the toughest of times.

So, if you are here checking out this site and you’re not quite sure.
Please, for the sake of your marriage. Give it a chance. I promise you will not regret it.]]> <![CDATA[Great article in Psychology Today]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=567 Thu, 22 Apr 2010 06:40:18 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=567
I would encourage everyone to read it, but I will sum up the main points.

Marriages originally began as strategeic partnerships between a man and a woman. They each realized that together they had a better chance of surviving and raising their children to adulthood. People who married were often not in love, and maybe never would be, but they stayed together because their survival depended on it.

Over time marriage has become less about basic survival, and the focus has slowly been shifting. Once upon a time both partners put the needs of the family first. Now, the consumerist mentality of the modern era has conditioned us to put our own needs first. We are bombarded every day with the message that we deserve the best of everything, and that we should not settle for anything less than the best. This has impacted on the way we view everything in our world, including our relationships.

At any given time a person can sit down and imagine what their perfect marriage partner would be. They make a wish list of desirable features, and usually they have particular people in mind that exhibit one or more of those characteristics. In their mind they create a perfect partner that is an amalgam of all the things they want. Then they compare their real partner to this fictional partner, and if the gap between them is great enough then they decide that they are no longer happy in their marriage. They start focusing on what they don't have.

One obvious way to try and resolve this problem is to present your greivances to your partner and ask them to change. I want more sex. I want more time to myself. I want you to lose weight etc. However, this approach has two major flaws. The first flaw is that it assumes that if the partner actually makes the changes than everything will be good. However, people change over time and so does their idea of the perfect partner. Even if your partner bent over backward to please you at this point in time, how long would it be before you were back with a new list of greivances.

The other major flaw is that when you approach your partner and ask them to change, you are assuming you yourself are without flaws. People are often shocked when their list of greivances is met with a list of counter-greivances. They are so focused on their own unmet needs that they do not see the ways in which they themselves are falling short. Accomodation has to go both ways for a relationship to thrive.

The article then goes on to make suggestions that are very much in tune with Calle's program.

They suggest that if you want to change your relationship you need to start with yourself becaused that is the only variable that you have complete control of. Focus on being a good partner and making positive changes. This will create a positive environment for the other member of the relationship to step up and start making positive changes as well.

They said that people in this day and age need to realize that it is NOT their right to have all of their needs met all the time. Sometimes your partner will not be able to give you what you want at a particular point in time. Suck it up. You need to stay focused on the overall health of the relationship, and not get hung up on the outcome of particular events. Put the needs of the family first.

The last big advice is regularily count your blessings. Another of the effects of our consumerist culture is that we are conditioned to always be dissatisfied and always be looking for something that we don't yet have. We are not encouraged to sit down and note all of the good things in our lives and in our marriages.

Every year lots of people walk away from good marriages simply because they can imgaine something better, and they think it will be easier to go out and find their perfect mate rather than work on improving the relationship that they are already in.

The perfect partner DOES NOT EXIST. A person who chooses to focus only on their own needs will just go from one relationship to the next, always wondering why each partner failed to live up to their expectations. They will never be happy until they realize that their expectations are a big part of the problem.]]>
I would encourage everyone to read it, but I will sum up the main points.

Marriages originally began as strategeic partnerships between a man and a woman. They each realized that together they had a better chance of surviving and raising their children to adulthood. People who married were often not in love, and maybe never would be, but they stayed together because their survival depended on it.

Over time marriage has become less about basic survival, and the focus has slowly been shifting. Once upon a time both partners put the needs of the family first. Now, the consumerist mentality of the modern era has conditioned us to put our own needs first. We are bombarded every day with the message that we deserve the best of everything, and that we should not settle for anything less than the best. This has impacted on the way we view everything in our world, including our relationships.

At any given time a person can sit down and imagine what their perfect marriage partner would be. They make a wish list of desirable features, and usually they have particular people in mind that exhibit one or more of those characteristics. In their mind they create a perfect partner that is an amalgam of all the things they want. Then they compare their real partner to this fictional partner, and if the gap between them is great enough then they decide that they are no longer happy in their marriage. They start focusing on what they don't have.

One obvious way to try and resolve this problem is to present your greivances to your partner and ask them to change. I want more sex. I want more time to myself. I want you to lose weight etc. However, this approach has two major flaws. The first flaw is that it assumes that if the partner actually makes the changes than everything will be good. However, people change over time and so does their idea of the perfect partner. Even if your partner bent over backward to please you at this point in time, how long would it be before you were back with a new list of greivances.

The other major flaw is that when you approach your partner and ask them to change, you are assuming you yourself are without flaws. People are often shocked when their list of greivances is met with a list of counter-greivances. They are so focused on their own unmet needs that they do not see the ways in which they themselves are falling short. Accomodation has to go both ways for a relationship to thrive.

The article then goes on to make suggestions that are very much in tune with Calle's program.

They suggest that if you want to change your relationship you need to start with yourself becaused that is the only variable that you have complete control of. Focus on being a good partner and making positive changes. This will create a positive environment for the other member of the relationship to step up and start making positive changes as well.

They said that people in this day and age need to realize that it is NOT their right to have all of their needs met all the time. Sometimes your partner will not be able to give you what you want at a particular point in time. Suck it up. You need to stay focused on the overall health of the relationship, and not get hung up on the outcome of particular events. Put the needs of the family first.

The last big advice is regularily count your blessings. Another of the effects of our consumerist culture is that we are conditioned to always be dissatisfied and always be looking for something that we don't yet have. We are not encouraged to sit down and note all of the good things in our lives and in our marriages.

Every year lots of people walk away from good marriages simply because they can imgaine something better, and they think it will be easier to go out and find their perfect mate rather than work on improving the relationship that they are already in.

The perfect partner DOES NOT EXIST. A person who chooses to focus only on their own needs will just go from one relationship to the next, always wondering why each partner failed to live up to their expectations. They will never be happy until they realize that their expectations are a big part of the problem.]]> <![CDATA[Victory]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=565 Tue, 20 Apr 2010 19:13:07 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=565  
I was overcome with tears today as I was moving my stuff back home.  It has been an incredible long hard journey filled with sleepless nights, reading, growing, heart wrenching cries, shouting at God, painful yearning, temptation, prayer and tears. 
 
But I feel like I've passed the test.  I've gone through the Refiner's fire and I've passed the test.  I feel like I’m standing high up on the mountain top shouting in victory!  For despite all the temptations, trials and tribulations I have overcome each one of them.  
 
All thanks to God through His grace He gave me the power to carry it out.  And this program is one of the main tools that turned it around.  It was when I began to diligently work Calle’s program that my marriage started to turn around during the separation.
 
My prayer when I left home in Nov/Dec was that I would return and when I did that I wouldn't be selfish.  Some of those unselfish moments that I now do automatically I look at and think this isn't the same me that I remember.  Amazing!  God has done a mighty work in me and I will never be the same. 
 
Thank all you guys for your support and prayers thru all this.  I know that now the REAL test begins which is to CONTINUE to do the things that got me here, which is to passionately love my wife & family DAILY doing the formula and seek to carry out His will in everything I do.   
 
Thank you Jesus.
 
Love you guys,]]>  
I was overcome with tears today as I was moving my stuff back home.  It has been an incredible long hard journey filled with sleepless nights, reading, growing, heart wrenching cries, shouting at God, painful yearning, temptation, prayer and tears. 
 
But I feel like I've passed the test.  I've gone through the Refiner's fire and I've passed the test.  I feel like I’m standing high up on the mountain top shouting in victory!  For despite all the temptations, trials and tribulations I have overcome each one of them.  
 
All thanks to God through His grace He gave me the power to carry it out.  And this program is one of the main tools that turned it around.  It was when I began to diligently work Calle’s program that my marriage started to turn around during the separation.
 
My prayer when I left home in Nov/Dec was that I would return and when I did that I wouldn't be selfish.  Some of those unselfish moments that I now do automatically I look at and think this isn't the same me that I remember.  Amazing!  God has done a mighty work in me and I will never be the same. 
 
Thank all you guys for your support and prayers thru all this.  I know that now the REAL test begins which is to CONTINUE to do the things that got me here, which is to passionately love my wife & family DAILY doing the formula and seek to carry out His will in everything I do.   
 
Thank you Jesus.
 
Love you guys,]]> <![CDATA[Do you really want a submissive wife?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=532 Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:42:59 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=532
I was broweing a site that offers free e-books the other day and I came across one called "How to Dominate Women". I was curious to see what this guy had to say and how it would compare to Calle's program so I downloaded it. What a waste of band width. I only got three pages in and decided that this guy was completely on the on wrong track so I stopped reading. After that I skipped ahead to see what the various chapters were and read a few paragraphs here and there.

The author's basic premise seemed to be that since the dawn of time men have been breaking their backs to try and make the world more comfortable for women, and women have always taken it for granted. Apparently men are responsible for every great innovation mankind has ever developed and we didn't actually want or need any of it for ourselves. We did it for women and they said thank you very much and then went back to gossiping and filing their nails. They didn't appreciate what we were doing for them.

The author then goes on to say that enough is enough. Its time for men to stop working for women and take control. The author seems to like using the analogy of a dog on a leash and he repeatedly asks the reader to remember that someone is going to be holding the leash and someone is going to be on the end of it. The point is that men are supposed to be holding the leash.

One section I spot read was about a trick to undermine a woman's confidence. You are supposed to tell her that you will call her at a certain time and then intentionally call an hour later than that. During the one hour that she is waiting for the call she will apparently fall into self doubt and question whether or not you are ever going to call. Then when you do call she will be overcome with relief and you have now positioned yourself as dominant.

There was a time in my not-to-distant past when I probably would have bought into crap like this. I was not happy with my relationship and I felt like I was undervalued and taken for granted by my wife. I will admit that I even allowed myself to imagine how much better my life would be if I could reach inside my wife's head and flip some switch that made her suddenly submissive. Its easy to see why this would be very appealing to a man who is tired of having his requests for affection and sex ignored.

However, its a sham idea. This "How to Dominate Women" book is essentially a big manual for how to manipulate women into doing what you want. The tactics that this author is promoting are disrespectful, and some would qualify as emotional abuse in my opinion. Do you really want to be a relationship where your woman does what you say because she is afraid of the consequences of saying No? Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to constantly be applying little manipulative tricks to keep your wife in line? For a while you might feel euphoric about the fact that you have this woman under your thumb, but deep down inside you would know that it is all a sham. You would know that if you ever let off the pressure she would realize that you are a just a control freak who treats her badly and she would drop you like a bad habit.

Calle's program is completely different. Calle's program is about changing yourself to become the kind of person that your wife can be drawn to by virtue of the strength and positive energy that you radiate to the world. Calle wants you to love and cherish your wife and meet her emotional needs so that she can feel safe to reciprocate and make a concious effort to meet your needs. She will do this because she wants to, and because you are deserving of it, not because she is afraid of the consequences.

If you are looking at the paragraph above and saying "thats never going to happen in my relationship. We are too disfunctional. We are too far gone" then I ask you to please have hope and faith that this program is worth doing. There are people on these forums who have brought their marriages back from the brink of divorce and some have even managed to lead their wife back from infidelity and managed to get back to a place where they have a loving and mutually respectful relationship again.

I am not a salesman for Calle, but I think this is worth saying to anyone that is looking at this forum and wondering if they should start the program or not. Yes it costs some money, but if you are willing to read the materials with an open mind, and make a strong effort to change yourself to become a better man then it will be the best investment you ever made.

The guy who wrote "How to Dominate Women" wants you to think that the only way to have a happy relationship with a woman is to keep her on a leash. However, in keeping with that analogy, dogs who are always on a leash tend to run away when the leash breaks.

If you really want a loving relationship with your wife, a relationship in which she gives you respect and affection and intimacy freely then ignore anyone who tries to sell you on manipulation techniques and start on Calle's program instead. What Calle will ask you to do is not at all easy, but most of the effort is up front. Most of the pain is in facing your own insecurities and dealing with them so that you can approach your wife openly and honestly and with loving compassion. In the long run it is a whole lot esaier than trying to keep her under your thumb.

There should be no leash in a loving relationship.]]>
I was broweing a site that offers free e-books the other day and I came across one called "How to Dominate Women". I was curious to see what this guy had to say and how it would compare to Calle's program so I downloaded it. What a waste of band width. I only got three pages in and decided that this guy was completely on the on wrong track so I stopped reading. After that I skipped ahead to see what the various chapters were and read a few paragraphs here and there.

The author's basic premise seemed to be that since the dawn of time men have been breaking their backs to try and make the world more comfortable for women, and women have always taken it for granted. Apparently men are responsible for every great innovation mankind has ever developed and we didn't actually want or need any of it for ourselves. We did it for women and they said thank you very much and then went back to gossiping and filing their nails. They didn't appreciate what we were doing for them.

The author then goes on to say that enough is enough. Its time for men to stop working for women and take control. The author seems to like using the analogy of a dog on a leash and he repeatedly asks the reader to remember that someone is going to be holding the leash and someone is going to be on the end of it. The point is that men are supposed to be holding the leash.

One section I spot read was about a trick to undermine a woman's confidence. You are supposed to tell her that you will call her at a certain time and then intentionally call an hour later than that. During the one hour that she is waiting for the call she will apparently fall into self doubt and question whether or not you are ever going to call. Then when you do call she will be overcome with relief and you have now positioned yourself as dominant.

There was a time in my not-to-distant past when I probably would have bought into crap like this. I was not happy with my relationship and I felt like I was undervalued and taken for granted by my wife. I will admit that I even allowed myself to imagine how much better my life would be if I could reach inside my wife's head and flip some switch that made her suddenly submissive. Its easy to see why this would be very appealing to a man who is tired of having his requests for affection and sex ignored.

However, its a sham idea. This "How to Dominate Women" book is essentially a big manual for how to manipulate women into doing what you want. The tactics that this author is promoting are disrespectful, and some would qualify as emotional abuse in my opinion. Do you really want to be a relationship where your woman does what you say because she is afraid of the consequences of saying No? Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to constantly be applying little manipulative tricks to keep your wife in line? For a while you might feel euphoric about the fact that you have this woman under your thumb, but deep down inside you would know that it is all a sham. You would know that if you ever let off the pressure she would realize that you are a just a control freak who treats her badly and she would drop you like a bad habit.

Calle's program is completely different. Calle's program is about changing yourself to become the kind of person that your wife can be drawn to by virtue of the strength and positive energy that you radiate to the world. Calle wants you to love and cherish your wife and meet her emotional needs so that she can feel safe to reciprocate and make a concious effort to meet your needs. She will do this because she wants to, and because you are deserving of it, not because she is afraid of the consequences.

If you are looking at the paragraph above and saying "thats never going to happen in my relationship. We are too disfunctional. We are too far gone" then I ask you to please have hope and faith that this program is worth doing. There are people on these forums who have brought their marriages back from the brink of divorce and some have even managed to lead their wife back from infidelity and managed to get back to a place where they have a loving and mutually respectful relationship again.

I am not a salesman for Calle, but I think this is worth saying to anyone that is looking at this forum and wondering if they should start the program or not. Yes it costs some money, but if you are willing to read the materials with an open mind, and make a strong effort to change yourself to become a better man then it will be the best investment you ever made.

The guy who wrote "How to Dominate Women" wants you to think that the only way to have a happy relationship with a woman is to keep her on a leash. However, in keeping with that analogy, dogs who are always on a leash tend to run away when the leash breaks.

If you really want a loving relationship with your wife, a relationship in which she gives you respect and affection and intimacy freely then ignore anyone who tries to sell you on manipulation techniques and start on Calle's program instead. What Calle will ask you to do is not at all easy, but most of the effort is up front. Most of the pain is in facing your own insecurities and dealing with them so that you can approach your wife openly and honestly and with loving compassion. In the long run it is a whole lot esaier than trying to keep her under your thumb.

There should be no leash in a loving relationship.]]> <![CDATA[God first or wife first?]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=512 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 09:38:44 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=512
A newsletter subscriber asked me the following question:

Quote:Here's my question - if I put God in the center of my life, I'll be able to lean on Him when it's the worst. Great for me, and the way it should be - right? Will my wife think that Jesus is my new hobby (I.e. more important than her)? I know He is supposed to be more important than her, but is that what she really wants - without knowing it?

Here was my answer to him...

As a man begins to fully surrender to God, he will begin to do what he believes is right between he and God...he will begin to have "values" that he stands for no matter what others do or think...he will begin to seek to please God only and just love people...and by doing this, he begins to project a level of masculinity, strength, courage, and autonomy that a woman is attracted to. Plus, as he experiences God's goodness in his life, he recognizes the importance of augmenting good in other people's lives...especially those of his wife and children. In other words, just as God is good to a man who will surrender to Him, a surrendered man wants to share good in the lives of those around him. Just as God does not ignore a man who is in right relationship with Him, a man does not ignore his wife or family...rather as a man enhances his relationship with God, he just naturally seeks to enhance his relationship with his wife and children.

So, when you begin to follow God as defined in the Bible, you will become a GOOD MAN...one that your woman is attracted to and willingly surrenders to...because you are a MAN that it's SAFE for her to surrender to (as opposed to a self-seeking, self-serving guy that it's not safe to surrender to).

Just make sure it's God that you are surrendering to because when you seek to please a religion/denomination (as opposed to God), the focus shifts from pleasing God to pleasing people...the focus shifts from love and life more abundantly to faults and failures...the focus shifts from mercy and grace to condemnation, judgment, and criticism.

Bottom line, if God is truly the center of your life, not only will your life get better, but you'll proactively seek to make the lives of those around you better too...and your wife will see that your relationship with Christ is a GOOD thing for you AND her AND the children.]]>
A newsletter subscriber asked me the following question:

Quote:Here's my question - if I put God in the center of my life, I'll be able to lean on Him when it's the worst. Great for me, and the way it should be - right? Will my wife think that Jesus is my new hobby (I.e. more important than her)? I know He is supposed to be more important than her, but is that what she really wants - without knowing it?

Here was my answer to him...

As a man begins to fully surrender to God, he will begin to do what he believes is right between he and God...he will begin to have "values" that he stands for no matter what others do or think...he will begin to seek to please God only and just love people...and by doing this, he begins to project a level of masculinity, strength, courage, and autonomy that a woman is attracted to. Plus, as he experiences God's goodness in his life, he recognizes the importance of augmenting good in other people's lives...especially those of his wife and children. In other words, just as God is good to a man who will surrender to Him, a surrendered man wants to share good in the lives of those around him. Just as God does not ignore a man who is in right relationship with Him, a man does not ignore his wife or family...rather as a man enhances his relationship with God, he just naturally seeks to enhance his relationship with his wife and children.

So, when you begin to follow God as defined in the Bible, you will become a GOOD MAN...one that your woman is attracted to and willingly surrenders to...because you are a MAN that it's SAFE for her to surrender to (as opposed to a self-seeking, self-serving guy that it's not safe to surrender to).

Just make sure it's God that you are surrendering to because when you seek to please a religion/denomination (as opposed to God), the focus shifts from pleasing God to pleasing people...the focus shifts from love and life more abundantly to faults and failures...the focus shifts from mercy and grace to condemnation, judgment, and criticism.

Bottom line, if God is truly the center of your life, not only will your life get better, but you'll proactively seek to make the lives of those around you better too...and your wife will see that your relationship with Christ is a GOOD thing for you AND her AND the children.]]> <![CDATA[Lady, you ARE a sexual being!]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=509 Sun, 21 Mar 2010 14:51:02 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=509
There are multiple cases where scientists/doctors claim they have observed unborn females...still in the womb...only 5-6 months old masturbating and apparently having an orgasm. For example, here's an article you can reference: "Ultrasonographic observation of a female fetus' sexual behavior in utero." American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology 1996 Sept"

I don't know if this is true or not...and I have no interest in trying to prove or disprove it...but I think we'd all agree there's nothing more innocent and pure than an infant...and if you've ever had dealt with infants, their IS a sexual element to them that from time to time crops up...and if sexual pleasure was "bad", wouldn't it stand to reason that infants wouldn't "do that"?

However, it may well be the case that you have shut that part of yourself down. You may be blocking it and denying it. You may be rejecting that part of yourself and trying to pretend that part of you doesn't really exist or need attention. You may have even worked at it for long enough that you have come to really believe that you are not a sexual person.

But, any time you subvert any part of yourself, the result is SICKNESS and DISEASE. It's starts out as emotional DIS--EASE....and ends up being physical DISEASE.

Now, I don't want you to just think about this from the perspective of your own health and wellbeing. I want you to think about it from a bigger and broader perspective...

What is the message you have given your sons and daughters about sexuality?

When your little kids touched themselves...or when your children asked about sexual things, what did you say?

How did you respond?

Well, there are too many women who respond in such a way that they CURSE their children's lives and make the world a WORSE place...they respond in such a way that MUCH unhappiness, hurt, pain, bitterness, and resentment is created in the ever-growing and expanding family tree.

Just go up a mere 4 generations to a pair of great-grandparents and follow those two tree's down to the present time and notice how many people stemmed from just these 4 people.

In most cases, it's a surprisingly big number.

And just think, if both of these great-grandma's believed that sex was bad and should be avoided...and conveyed this message to their daughters...think of how many UNHAPPY and MISERABLE lives have been affected and impacted by these two women's "belief".

If this belief existed within your own family tree, look around at your generation of relatives and notice how many unhappy lives are being lived out because of this belief that sex is bad and should be avoided?

If this belief existed within your own family tree, how many divorces have come about because of a woman wouldn't be sexual with her husband? (And who knows how many more are likely to come?)

If there are women in your family who deny their sexuality, how many illicit affairs have come about because of their denial?

Conversely, when you look at those family trees that are filled with happy homes and happy marriages, you'll UNFAILINGLY find that at the "top" was a sexual woman...a woman who was unashamed of her sexuality...and who transmitted that belief-system to her children.

Of course, I understand that there is far more to a happy marriage than a woman being sexual but I'm conveying this point because it's the part that's most often missing in a marriage.

So, I implore you; don't be a woman who is CURSING your children and making the world a WORSE place to be in by teaching and modeling to them negative and shameful beliefs about their sexuality.

And, if your trouble is that your husband thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that turns you off sexually, then send him to http://www.DoThisGetSex.com so that he can learn how to become the kind of man that you find attractive and appealing.]]>
There are multiple cases where scientists/doctors claim they have observed unborn females...still in the womb...only 5-6 months old masturbating and apparently having an orgasm. For example, here's an article you can reference: "Ultrasonographic observation of a female fetus' sexual behavior in utero." American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology 1996 Sept"

I don't know if this is true or not...and I have no interest in trying to prove or disprove it...but I think we'd all agree there's nothing more innocent and pure than an infant...and if you've ever had dealt with infants, their IS a sexual element to them that from time to time crops up...and if sexual pleasure was "bad", wouldn't it stand to reason that infants wouldn't "do that"?

However, it may well be the case that you have shut that part of yourself down. You may be blocking it and denying it. You may be rejecting that part of yourself and trying to pretend that part of you doesn't really exist or need attention. You may have even worked at it for long enough that you have come to really believe that you are not a sexual person.

But, any time you subvert any part of yourself, the result is SICKNESS and DISEASE. It's starts out as emotional DIS--EASE....and ends up being physical DISEASE.

Now, I don't want you to just think about this from the perspective of your own health and wellbeing. I want you to think about it from a bigger and broader perspective...

What is the message you have given your sons and daughters about sexuality?

When your little kids touched themselves...or when your children asked about sexual things, what did you say?

How did you respond?

Well, there are too many women who respond in such a way that they CURSE their children's lives and make the world a WORSE place...they respond in such a way that MUCH unhappiness, hurt, pain, bitterness, and resentment is created in the ever-growing and expanding family tree.

Just go up a mere 4 generations to a pair of great-grandparents and follow those two tree's down to the present time and notice how many people stemmed from just these 4 people.

In most cases, it's a surprisingly big number.

And just think, if both of these great-grandma's believed that sex was bad and should be avoided...and conveyed this message to their daughters...think of how many UNHAPPY and MISERABLE lives have been affected and impacted by these two women's "belief".

If this belief existed within your own family tree, look around at your generation of relatives and notice how many unhappy lives are being lived out because of this belief that sex is bad and should be avoided?

If this belief existed within your own family tree, how many divorces have come about because of a woman wouldn't be sexual with her husband? (And who knows how many more are likely to come?)

If there are women in your family who deny their sexuality, how many illicit affairs have come about because of their denial?

Conversely, when you look at those family trees that are filled with happy homes and happy marriages, you'll UNFAILINGLY find that at the "top" was a sexual woman...a woman who was unashamed of her sexuality...and who transmitted that belief-system to her children.

Of course, I understand that there is far more to a happy marriage than a woman being sexual but I'm conveying this point because it's the part that's most often missing in a marriage.

So, I implore you; don't be a woman who is CURSING your children and making the world a WORSE place to be in by teaching and modeling to them negative and shameful beliefs about their sexuality.

And, if your trouble is that your husband thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that turns you off sexually, then send him to http://www.DoThisGetSex.com so that he can learn how to become the kind of man that you find attractive and appealing.]]> <![CDATA[Giving honor where honor is due...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=462 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:09:19 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=462
If what I'm about to say doesn't make sense to you, just know it's meant to be a huge compliment to each and every person on this forum...regardless of what their current situation is with their wife.

Sometimes, I feel like David in the Bible (the one who slew Goliath)...a great man in his own right...and who was surrounded by MIGHTY MEN OF VALOR who were just as great...men who were also giant killers...men who also slew lions and bears...men who also won big battles and scored mighty victories.

And no, I don't think any of us are having problems with giants, lions, or bears at the moment...but the men in this forum ARE winning battle after battle as they become a MAN OF THE HIGHEST ORDER. The men in this forum are of the highest quality and caliber...men who make the world a FAR BETTER...and happier place.

Here, there are men who are scoring mighty victories in the realm of their marriage relationship. And yes, there are those cases where circumstances went (or are going) in a different direction from what was originally hoped...but it always has led (and always will lead) to far better circumstances.

Gentlemen, if you could talk to my heart, here is what it would tell you...

"I'm PROUD of every one of you. I'm proud of the progress each one of you has made. I am EXCITED about the good that the future holds for each one of you. I count it a honor of the highest order to be in your midst. The men here hail from all over the world...and yet, I sincerely believe you'll look a long, long time before you find a closer, more caring, more supportive group of COMPADRES. I ADMIRE the integrity in each of you...your desire to learn...your willingness to apply...your courage to go forward. I salute each one of you...I pray God's best blessings be upon each one of you."]]>
If what I'm about to say doesn't make sense to you, just know it's meant to be a huge compliment to each and every person on this forum...regardless of what their current situation is with their wife.

Sometimes, I feel like David in the Bible (the one who slew Goliath)...a great man in his own right...and who was surrounded by MIGHTY MEN OF VALOR who were just as great...men who were also giant killers...men who also slew lions and bears...men who also won big battles and scored mighty victories.

And no, I don't think any of us are having problems with giants, lions, or bears at the moment...but the men in this forum ARE winning battle after battle as they become a MAN OF THE HIGHEST ORDER. The men in this forum are of the highest quality and caliber...men who make the world a FAR BETTER...and happier place.

Here, there are men who are scoring mighty victories in the realm of their marriage relationship. And yes, there are those cases where circumstances went (or are going) in a different direction from what was originally hoped...but it always has led (and always will lead) to far better circumstances.

Gentlemen, if you could talk to my heart, here is what it would tell you...

"I'm PROUD of every one of you. I'm proud of the progress each one of you has made. I am EXCITED about the good that the future holds for each one of you. I count it a honor of the highest order to be in your midst. The men here hail from all over the world...and yet, I sincerely believe you'll look a long, long time before you find a closer, more caring, more supportive group of COMPADRES. I ADMIRE the integrity in each of you...your desire to learn...your willingness to apply...your courage to go forward. I salute each one of you...I pray God's best blessings be upon each one of you."]]> <![CDATA[Erection Issues : Erectile Dysfunction : ED]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=452 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:11:12 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=452 Quote:I had some erection issues last night for the first time in a long time. ... I am also hoping my mind isn't getting bored by my wifes naked body. I think my mind may be used to being stimulated by lots of different women (thru my previous use of porn) and the excitement also came from the forbidden or the naughtiness of it. And a couple times while doing it my mind wanted to go to previous images id seen, but I forced them away, wanting only to be with her. How do I overcome this? I want to be mesmerized by my wifes body only and be hard as a rock everytime for her alone!
This is a guilt / belief issue. It's sort of like the person who's been taught that masturbating is bad / evil and if they masturbate, they'll never be able to have sex properly. And of course, when they are alone, their need for sexual release is so great that they end up masturbating...but then, when they have a wife, their body / mind fails them because they are stuck in the guilt of masturbating when they were alone and the belief that they won't be able to have sex...and that becomes their reality.
In like fashion, if a person is holding on to guilt over having looked at porn...and holding onto a belief that because they've looked at porn, they won't be able to appreciate their wife's body / lovemaking...well, that will become their reality too.

The fact is, the love, joy, and pleasure that you can have with your wife is FAR beyond any pleasure a person can derive from watching porn IF you become the kind of man who operates as I teach in my books.]]> Quote:I had some erection issues last night for the first time in a long time. ... I am also hoping my mind isn't getting bored by my wifes naked body. I think my mind may be used to being stimulated by lots of different women (thru my previous use of porn) and the excitement also came from the forbidden or the naughtiness of it. And a couple times while doing it my mind wanted to go to previous images id seen, but I forced them away, wanting only to be with her. How do I overcome this? I want to be mesmerized by my wifes body only and be hard as a rock everytime for her alone!
This is a guilt / belief issue. It's sort of like the person who's been taught that masturbating is bad / evil and if they masturbate, they'll never be able to have sex properly. And of course, when they are alone, their need for sexual release is so great that they end up masturbating...but then, when they have a wife, their body / mind fails them because they are stuck in the guilt of masturbating when they were alone and the belief that they won't be able to have sex...and that becomes their reality.
In like fashion, if a person is holding on to guilt over having looked at porn...and holding onto a belief that because they've looked at porn, they won't be able to appreciate their wife's body / lovemaking...well, that will become their reality too.

The fact is, the love, joy, and pleasure that you can have with your wife is FAR beyond any pleasure a person can derive from watching porn IF you become the kind of man who operates as I teach in my books.]]> <![CDATA[My Story]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=444 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:58:51 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=444
I have been married almost 10 years and have two small children (5 and 3). Before we got married I persued my wife very intently and it took some time for her to come around. She had fallen hard for a friend of mine a few months before we started dating and seemed to harbor feelings for him long after we got together. I was dumped twice before we finally settled into a steady relationship and then got engaged. Looking back, I can see that I came into the relationship with a lot of personal insecurities. I felt that my wife had "settled" for me in the absence of someone better (ie. my friend).

The first few years of marriage went pretty smoothly. She moved from her parent's house into my apartment with me and then we bought a house together. During those first few years we had frequent sex, but even then I think she was mostly doing it for my sake. Then we reached the point where we wanted to start a family and after six months of trying she got pregnant ... and my sex life totally dissappeared. I read up on the subject and convinced myself that the sex drought would end six weeks after the baby was born when the doctor gave us the OK. However, six weeks came and went and my wife still had no interest in sex. Then 3 months passed, then 6 months passed ... then a year passed and I was still coming up empty on the sex issue. At about the 10 month point I lost my patience and blew up at my wife. That was the first time in our marriage that I ever made her cry. I basically told her that I could not be in a marriage that did not involve sex and then left her to think about it while I stormed out. I was essentially using the "First Law" as Calle described it in his book Nymphomaniac Wife. And it worked exactly as he said. The short term result was that I got sex. The long term result was that I damaged our marriage.

Over the next few months I periodically called on the First Law to get some intimacy, but it was obvious to me that I was just getting sympathy sex and that made me angry. I could not understand why my wife had completely lost interest in sex. All of my old insecurities came bubbling up. I imagined that she no longer needed me. I imagined that our sex life was over. Every few weeks the frustration would boil over and we would have another argument. She told me much later that she was certain that I was going to walk out on her and leave her as a single mom. However, as time went by the issue seemed to subside and we slowly fell back into having sex on a regular basis again. She even initiated some times, but I think it was just her way of trying to keep the family together. We then decided to have a second child.

By this point I was already feeling that I handled the whole thing very badly and I resolved to be a better husband. However, sex was still a sore point for me and despite my best intentions, we had a couple of arguments about sex in the months after our second child was born. When our second was about a year old I started having thoughts about an affair. I did not have any particular person in mind, it was just a fantasy that was appealing to me. I created this perfect woman in my mind whose only goal in life was to make me happy. I wished that my wife would be like that. Then I got a huge bucket of cold water thrown on me when a friend walked out on his family. He announced that he had been cheating on his wife for six months, and he was in love with his mistress and wanted to be with her instead. It totally devastated his wife and kids. For the record, he ended up drinking himself stupid and losing both his mistress and his job within a year. It was like he hit the self destruct button and blew himself (and his family) to pieces.

After that I threw out any thoughts of an affair and decided to work on fixing my marriage instead. I went down to the book store and started browsing relationship books. Over the next year I devoured everything I could find on the subject and probably spent over $200. Most of the books had some good advice that I took away. I learned early on that my selfish, childish behavior was the cause of most of my marriage problems. I learned that instead of trying to change my wife, I needed to change myself and then wait for her to follow my lead. I learned a lot about sexual techniques Smile However, none of the books seemed to be a complete solution. I worked hard at being a good listener. I worked hard at giving my wife lots of affection and gratitude. I put aside lots of time to spend with her doing things that were fun for her. However, none of this seemed to get me more sex. I had become a great friend, room mate and parenting partner for her, but not the great lover that I wanted to be.

I stumbled onto Calle's books while doing a web search for how to seduce your wife. I bought the Sexual Marriage book, and quickly concluded that I was already doing 80% of what the book suggested. However, that book did bring attention to some of the ways in which I was undermining my own masculinity. When my wife got angry or snippy with me I tended to say or do things to placate her so that the moment would pass and we could get back to being happy. I have changed that behavior. Now when my wife talks down to me I make it clear that this is not the way to get through to me. It didn't take long before she stopped issuing orders and started asking nicely for things. Also, when my wife gives me valid feedback (in a nice way) I try hard to follow through and fix the problem. This has led to less nagging. In any case, the book convinced me that I was already on the right track and just needed to make some minor changes.

The real pay dirt for me came from reading the book "How to be the best lover your wife ever had". I chuckled when I bought it because I know that I am the ONLY lover my wife ever had, but I would still like to be a better lover. I already knew from reading other books that foreplay was very important for women, but I always thought it was just that their bodies needed time to warm up so that they could have good intercourse. Now I understand that good foreplay is part of the emotional package that my wife needs in order to feel that sex was a satisfying experience. The last time my wife and I had sex I threw myself into the task of creating a good package for her. I spent a good long time making love to every inch of her and when we got to the intercourse she orgasmed in record time. She told me a couple of days later that it was the best sex we have ever had. I still need to work on how to help her enjoy the "after glow" part. I think it is important for us to connect deeply after sex so that she will crave that time in the future.

I feel that I am now at the start of a wonderful adventure. Our kids are still small, so sex is not going to be frequent for the next while, but I now have the tools to ensure that when I do get the oppurtunity I can make sex a wonderful experience for her. I have seen that it works and now I just need to be patient and wait for the effect to build up. Once we have established a pattern that sex is really satisfying for her every time it happens, I have faith that she will start seeking it out more often. In the meantime, I understand that she is exhausted every night from being a stay at home mom and I am trying hard to be patient and keep taking care of her needs even if I am not getting the "pay out" as often as I would like. The fact that my wife cannot walk past me without giving me a hug or a kiss these days shows that I have been successful in making our relationship safe and happy for her again. As long as I keep doing what I am doing the rest will follow in time.

As an aside, I would like to mention that I used to have a problem with premature ejaculation and I was certain that this was why my wife avoided having sex with me. I have since come to realize that my premature ejaculation was caused by the fact that I tended to get too wound up about sex. My performance anxiety was causing me to have performance issues. Now that sex has become much more relaxed for us the performance issues have gone away. With good foreplay I ensure that my wife is really ready for sex before I go in, then I just relax and enjoy the experience and I can last way longer than I used to. The brain truly is the most important sex organ.]]>
I have been married almost 10 years and have two small children (5 and 3). Before we got married I persued my wife very intently and it took some time for her to come around. She had fallen hard for a friend of mine a few months before we started dating and seemed to harbor feelings for him long after we got together. I was dumped twice before we finally settled into a steady relationship and then got engaged. Looking back, I can see that I came into the relationship with a lot of personal insecurities. I felt that my wife had "settled" for me in the absence of someone better (ie. my friend).

The first few years of marriage went pretty smoothly. She moved from her parent's house into my apartment with me and then we bought a house together. During those first few years we had frequent sex, but even then I think she was mostly doing it for my sake. Then we reached the point where we wanted to start a family and after six months of trying she got pregnant ... and my sex life totally dissappeared. I read up on the subject and convinced myself that the sex drought would end six weeks after the baby was born when the doctor gave us the OK. However, six weeks came and went and my wife still had no interest in sex. Then 3 months passed, then 6 months passed ... then a year passed and I was still coming up empty on the sex issue. At about the 10 month point I lost my patience and blew up at my wife. That was the first time in our marriage that I ever made her cry. I basically told her that I could not be in a marriage that did not involve sex and then left her to think about it while I stormed out. I was essentially using the "First Law" as Calle described it in his book Nymphomaniac Wife. And it worked exactly as he said. The short term result was that I got sex. The long term result was that I damaged our marriage.

Over the next few months I periodically called on the First Law to get some intimacy, but it was obvious to me that I was just getting sympathy sex and that made me angry. I could not understand why my wife had completely lost interest in sex. All of my old insecurities came bubbling up. I imagined that she no longer needed me. I imagined that our sex life was over. Every few weeks the frustration would boil over and we would have another argument. She told me much later that she was certain that I was going to walk out on her and leave her as a single mom. However, as time went by the issue seemed to subside and we slowly fell back into having sex on a regular basis again. She even initiated some times, but I think it was just her way of trying to keep the family together. We then decided to have a second child.

By this point I was already feeling that I handled the whole thing very badly and I resolved to be a better husband. However, sex was still a sore point for me and despite my best intentions, we had a couple of arguments about sex in the months after our second child was born. When our second was about a year old I started having thoughts about an affair. I did not have any particular person in mind, it was just a fantasy that was appealing to me. I created this perfect woman in my mind whose only goal in life was to make me happy. I wished that my wife would be like that. Then I got a huge bucket of cold water thrown on me when a friend walked out on his family. He announced that he had been cheating on his wife for six months, and he was in love with his mistress and wanted to be with her instead. It totally devastated his wife and kids. For the record, he ended up drinking himself stupid and losing both his mistress and his job within a year. It was like he hit the self destruct button and blew himself (and his family) to pieces.

After that I threw out any thoughts of an affair and decided to work on fixing my marriage instead. I went down to the book store and started browsing relationship books. Over the next year I devoured everything I could find on the subject and probably spent over $200. Most of the books had some good advice that I took away. I learned early on that my selfish, childish behavior was the cause of most of my marriage problems. I learned that instead of trying to change my wife, I needed to change myself and then wait for her to follow my lead. I learned a lot about sexual techniques Smile However, none of the books seemed to be a complete solution. I worked hard at being a good listener. I worked hard at giving my wife lots of affection and gratitude. I put aside lots of time to spend with her doing things that were fun for her. However, none of this seemed to get me more sex. I had become a great friend, room mate and parenting partner for her, but not the great lover that I wanted to be.

I stumbled onto Calle's books while doing a web search for how to seduce your wife. I bought the Sexual Marriage book, and quickly concluded that I was already doing 80% of what the book suggested. However, that book did bring attention to some of the ways in which I was undermining my own masculinity. When my wife got angry or snippy with me I tended to say or do things to placate her so that the moment would pass and we could get back to being happy. I have changed that behavior. Now when my wife talks down to me I make it clear that this is not the way to get through to me. It didn't take long before she stopped issuing orders and started asking nicely for things. Also, when my wife gives me valid feedback (in a nice way) I try hard to follow through and fix the problem. This has led to less nagging. In any case, the book convinced me that I was already on the right track and just needed to make some minor changes.

The real pay dirt for me came from reading the book "How to be the best lover your wife ever had". I chuckled when I bought it because I know that I am the ONLY lover my wife ever had, but I would still like to be a better lover. I already knew from reading other books that foreplay was very important for women, but I always thought it was just that their bodies needed time to warm up so that they could have good intercourse. Now I understand that good foreplay is part of the emotional package that my wife needs in order to feel that sex was a satisfying experience. The last time my wife and I had sex I threw myself into the task of creating a good package for her. I spent a good long time making love to every inch of her and when we got to the intercourse she orgasmed in record time. She told me a couple of days later that it was the best sex we have ever had. I still need to work on how to help her enjoy the "after glow" part. I think it is important for us to connect deeply after sex so that she will crave that time in the future.

I feel that I am now at the start of a wonderful adventure. Our kids are still small, so sex is not going to be frequent for the next while, but I now have the tools to ensure that when I do get the oppurtunity I can make sex a wonderful experience for her. I have seen that it works and now I just need to be patient and wait for the effect to build up. Once we have established a pattern that sex is really satisfying for her every time it happens, I have faith that she will start seeking it out more often. In the meantime, I understand that she is exhausted every night from being a stay at home mom and I am trying hard to be patient and keep taking care of her needs even if I am not getting the "pay out" as often as I would like. The fact that my wife cannot walk past me without giving me a hug or a kiss these days shows that I have been successful in making our relationship safe and happy for her again. As long as I keep doing what I am doing the rest will follow in time.

As an aside, I would like to mention that I used to have a problem with premature ejaculation and I was certain that this was why my wife avoided having sex with me. I have since come to realize that my premature ejaculation was caused by the fact that I tended to get too wound up about sex. My performance anxiety was causing me to have performance issues. Now that sex has become much more relaxed for us the performance issues have gone away. With good foreplay I ensure that my wife is really ready for sex before I go in, then I just relax and enjoy the experience and I can last way longer than I used to. The brain truly is the most important sex organ.]]> <![CDATA[Getting good results...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=412 Fri, 05 Feb 2010 07:27:16 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=412
Those guys who get the best results in their marriage are the one who put diligent effort in reading and re-reading my eBooks so that they absorb and internalize the concepts so that they can demonstrate, exhibit, and express those concepts naturally in their interactions with their wife.

Those guys who get the poorest results are those who skim through the eBooks once...pick out one or two things...try it...in an awkward way...because they aren't really prepared...and they get undesirable results.

Throughout all time, discipline, diligence, study, preparation, and application have been the hallmark traits of people who get the best results in life.]]>
Those guys who get the best results in their marriage are the one who put diligent effort in reading and re-reading my eBooks so that they absorb and internalize the concepts so that they can demonstrate, exhibit, and express those concepts naturally in their interactions with their wife.

Those guys who get the poorest results are those who skim through the eBooks once...pick out one or two things...try it...in an awkward way...because they aren't really prepared...and they get undesirable results.

Throughout all time, discipline, diligence, study, preparation, and application have been the hallmark traits of people who get the best results in life.]]> <![CDATA[Here's a useful website...]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=382 Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:10:13 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=382 http://www.givecoupons.com/

I suggest printing out a bunch of the relevant coupons and giving them away at appropriate times.]]> http://www.givecoupons.com/

I suggest printing out a bunch of the relevant coupons and giving them away at appropriate times.]]> <![CDATA[My wife is responding]]> http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=358 Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:14:20 -0700 http://www.marriedandhappy.com/Forum/showthread.php?tid=358 In the last three week's. I have went from being in handcuff's to her asking me if I wanted sex. I thought this was the coldest woman on the face of the earth and it was completly over. Thanks to Calle's books thing's are looking up. We have a long way too go. But it's a start that I never thought was possible.

Thank you Calle.

Rick J]]> In the last three week's. I have went from being in handcuff's to her asking me if I wanted sex. I thought this was the coldest woman on the face of the earth and it was completly over. Thanks to Calle's books thing's are looking up. We have a long way too go. But it's a start that I never thought was possible.

Thank you Calle.

Rick J]]>