I have written Calle now about 5 times thanking him for his books. I can say they have turned my marriage around. That said, even the best football manual in the world cannot make an All-American out of every man.
I had flaws on multiple levels.
1) I was very selfish. I felt that if I wasn't getting my way in every aspect that I was being walked on.
2) I was getting walked on because I wasn't being a man.
3) I felt my wife owed me sex because she agreed to marry me.
5)I was needy. I was pissed because my wife didn't like being intimate with me so I tried to make her intimate by smothering her with affection. This made me clingy.
The reason I had all of the above was I was insecure.
I started with Cold Wife and spent about two weeks just redefining my masculinity. It took two instances of my wife being inconsiderate and me just telling her if she wanted to coniderate and loving I would love to spend time with her, otherwise I would be in my workroom doing something I love.. Working. Both times she came down, apologized and it hasn't happened since. That was 6 weeks ago.
My old self would have eventually clinged, wallowed and promised to be a better person until my wife finally got out of her bad mood.
Next I read Real World Strategies for the Sexless Marriage (several times). I tried to master the concept of Processes and figured out solutions to some of my biggest problems with my wife. I actually began to listen when my wife had things that bothered her and instead of trying to solve her problem, just let her know that her feeling were legitimate. This was the turning point.. Things started to change. No longer was she accusing me of "lecturing" her, I was now someone she could talk to about ANYTHING.
Six weeks now and not a single major argument. My wife is now the one who is clingy and I like that. I don't have to initiate sex because my wife does.
That said, there are still complexities that come up and require real effort. It is a daily task for me to remain "unrattled". Something that a man must be. When my wife says something that just makes me want to act like a frustrated 10 year old boy, take my ball and go home, I just have to go back to the basics as they are outlined in the books.
Take today for instance, I was hanging some new shelves in my workroom and my wife came down to talk to me about something important to her. Six weeks ago I would have kept working, nodded and said "uh huh?"
Today, I climbed all the way down the ladder, walked up to her and just listened. She walked away smiling and it only took 5 minutes of my time and gained a whole lot more.
THANK YOU CALLE (again)
Hi Tex. How's it going? I appreciate your kind words...and isn't it wonderful to know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how to do it so that you can get the results you want?
(03-23-2009 01:34 PM)CalleZorro Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Tex. How's it going? I appreciate your kind words...and isn't it wonderful to know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how to do it so that you can get the results you want?
It's going very well. My success has rested on being patient. I was going about things wrong for a very long time so I understand why fixing things doesn't happen in a week. Seeing improvement, vast improvement, however gives one hope and optimism that nirvana is a thing I can look forward to.
TEX,
THANKS FOR SHARING THAT. IT GIVES ME SOME HOPE SINCE I HAVE JUST WOKE UP TO THE NEED TO BE A REAL MAN AND START WORKING AT OUR MARRIAGE. I HAVE BEEN A TOTAL IDIOT WITH REGARDS TO BEING A HUSBAND AND NOT A BURDEN TO MY WIFE. I WROTE TO CALLE AND HE GAVE SOME GOOD ADVICE TO FOLLOW. IT HAS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE MY EYES WERE OPENED TO WHAT IS GOING ON. PATIENCE TO GIVE THINGS TIME IS WHAT I REALLY HAVE TO GET HOLD OF. IT'S PRETTY HARD. I HAVE PROBABLY TAKEN TWO STEPS FORWARD AND ONE STEP BACK SINCE THEN DUE TO LACK OF PATIENCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE I AM GETTING FROM CALLE AND THIS FORUM. I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING THE ADVICE LAID OUT IN THE BOOKS AND LET YOU ALL KNOW HOW IT IS PROGESSING. I REMAIN HOPEFULL. THANKS.
(04-03-2009 11:10 AM)Tool Man Wrote: [ -> ]TEX,
THANKS FOR SHARING THAT. IT GIVES ME SOME HOPE SINCE I HAVE JUST WOKE UP TO THE NEED TO BE A REAL MAN AND START WORKING AT OUR MARRIAGE. I HAVE BEEN A TOTAL IDIOT WITH REGARDS TO BEING A HUSBAND AND NOT A BURDEN TO MY WIFE. I WROTE TO CALLE AND HE GAVE SOME GOOD ADVICE TO FOLLOW. IT HAS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE MY EYES WERE OPENED TO WHAT IS GOING ON. PATIENCE TO GIVE THINGS TIME IS WHAT I REALLY HAVE TO GET HOLD OF. IT'S PRETTY HARD. I HAVE PROBABLY TAKEN TWO STEPS FORWARD AND ONE STEP BACK SINCE THEN DUE TO LACK OF PATIENCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE I AM GETTING FROM CALLE AND THIS FORUM. I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING THE ADVICE LAID OUT IN THE BOOKS AND LET YOU ALL KNOW HOW IT IS PROGESSING. I REMAIN HOPEFULL. THANKS.
No, problem. It is not an easy process and that is why I think this forum is so valuable. You begin to realize that you are not alone. You are not an idiot. You are not a loser. Being a man is hard enough if you never had a good role model. My Dad is as selfish as they come. I grew up thinking that was the way of the world and now after reading all of Calle's stuff. I realize another thing. My Dad must never have sex.
I think the patience thing is probably one of the hardest elements. On one hand, you want to be a man and feel that your wife owes you because you have needs and indeed per Calle some men are to the point where they have to lay down the line and say "meet my needs or I am leaving" I think the vast majority (my limited opinion) just need to be patient and "get back that loving feeling" and things will fall into place. If you have been an ass for years, then it may take months to get to a point where your wife honestly believes you have changed. I firmly believed most people were incapable of major changes before I myself changed myself. I am sure most women feel their husbands are incapable for the most part. Many women have probably seen their husbands "wise up" for a month or so, only to return to their old ways eventually. We can't blame them for not coming around in a week or two. I find what is helping me is simply ENJOYING the new relationship I have with my wife even if it is not including sex every night at the moment. I keep telling myself that I am making strides.
I think by far the second most difficult thing in all this is not getting rattled. Last night my wife took her anger over a unrelated problem out on me. In the past, we would have ended up in an argument with me feeling used and like a stepped on punching bag. Using the techniques in the Marriage Turn Around Guide, I avoided that and had my wife treating me nicely again without ever raising my voice.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.
Thanks Tex. I agree that it will take time to get back to the place where my wife can totally trust and give herself to me without the fear of being hurt. I just have to be patient. I also can relate to just enjoying our relationship and the time we spend together. It is almost like being with her for the first time. I am starting to remember what attracted me to her in first place. She is being a bit more open and playful so I think that must be a good thing. We have a 15 year aniversary coming up this week and I am making sure that I do it right. I have really hurt her by not being very romantic on those special days. That is going to change. Thanks again for your input.
Be prepared for setbacks.. I JUST had one. Hmmm. So frustrating. She was in a funk all day. I tried to change her state and thought I was being successful then I cracked a silly joke and her response was essentially "Quit being stupid. I hate your stupid jokes." So, she is now outside my frequency. I told her if she wants to be loving and respectful then I would love to spend time with her. She can be such a bitch sometimes. Her response, was defiant as usual. It makes me wonder if there is a subset of women out there who don't want a man but a poolboy they can consider their personal pet, who brings home the paycheck and rubs their feet. On top of it all she added that she had seen no change in me whatsoever in the past month.. That is a joke. She is just being spiteful. Well. It was a good 3 weeks at least. Maybe she will realize her folly later.
Two steps forward, 1 and 10/12 inches backwards.
(04-03-2009 11:10 AM)Tool Man Wrote: [ -> ]TEX,
THANKS FOR SHARING THAT. IT GIVES ME SOME HOPE SINCE I HAVE JUST WOKE UP TO THE NEED TO BE A REAL MAN AND START WORKING AT OUR MARRIAGE. I HAVE BEEN A TOTAL IDIOT WITH REGARDS TO BEING A HUSBAND AND NOT A BURDEN TO MY WIFE. I WROTE TO CALLE AND HE GAVE SOME GOOD ADVICE TO FOLLOW. IT HAS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE MY EYES WERE OPENED TO WHAT IS GOING ON. PATIENCE TO GIVE THINGS TIME IS WHAT I REALLY HAVE TO GET HOLD OF. IT'S PRETTY HARD. I HAVE PROBABLY TAKEN TWO STEPS FORWARD AND ONE STEP BACK SINCE THEN DUE TO LACK OF PATIENCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE I AM GETTING FROM CALLE AND THIS FORUM. I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING THE ADVICE LAID OUT IN THE BOOKS AND LET YOU ALL KNOW HOW IT IS PROGESSING. I REMAIN HOPEFULL. THANKS.
I want to pick up on one point Tex mentioned here - hope - Tex mentioned it at the beginning of his comment and in his closing remark. I had given up hope that I could ever satisfy my wife sexually and this is a bad place to be in. But is also not true. It is what the enemy of our souls wants us to believe. But in Christ there is always hope. Marriage after all is God's idea and so I have very recently repented of unbelief in this area and am telling myself that there is hope for our situation to change.
There are so many levels from which a MAN can operate with his wife.
Tex said,"Be prepared for setbacks.."
It is the setbacks that determine the level to which you WILL operate with your wife!
I just finished reading Calles ebooks. Wow, so much info to process. I really don't know where to start.
My wife is in a state of mind where she has given up on the marriage and we are in a stalemate. I'm not taking full responsibility for the shape my marriage is in. We have been together for 12 years. She came from a physically abusive marriage and being in and out of foster care most of her childhood. I do understand that there is a lot of unresolved issues n her past life, lots of hate and bitterness that she don't want to let go of. So when she tells me she is unhappy. I think to myself there hasn't been to many times that she has ever been happy.
I do love my wife and I do want my marriage to be happier than ever. I have told her this several times. There is no sex at all, She rolls over in bed with a cold shoulder and no touching, no kissing and no hugging. Up until a week ago when I would say I love you I would get a reply I love you. Now I get a nothing.
I want to start applying these new skills that I have learned. But, I am not sure where to start or do I give her the same treatment she is giving me? We do talk about the news and basic things that go one n our daily life. But nothing about our feelings she just clams up. She likes to go to starbucks for a carmel frap a couple times a week to get out of the house. Being that she is a stay at home mom. We ride around just letting her vent or talk about what ever comes to her mind. I listen and comment accordingly.
In the evenings when I come in from work I go to each child and give them a hug and kiss and talk to them about there day. In the past I would do the wife the same way. Since she has been giving me the cold shoulder I have stopped giving her this affection. I say hey babe and walk on by. I want so much to wrap my arms around her and give her a smooch. Now my wife was a very sexual person. Many times coming in from work she would be in the kitchen putting supper together. I would give her a hug and a kiss and go take a shower. After getting out of the shower she would be laying on the bed looking at me with that come and get me look. Up until this past June after coming back from a family reunion in Michigan she hasn't been the same. Two days after being home I come home to her crying in the bed room. I try and console her then I get this "I want to move back to Michigan with or without you. I was floored and hurt. Now we all know that the economy isn't very good there and the unemployment rate is one of the worst in the nation. People are leaving there by the droves. I tried to reason with her to no avail. Then I get this I,m not happy and I WANT to be by my family. Ever since then it has gone down hill. So now I come home to silence, her crocheting, txtn with her friends and posting on facebook and occasional comment on whats on tv or the news.
Ok men where do I go from here? Im trying to be patient which isn't one of my best qualities. I am going to start rereading the ebooks today. I know there are things i missed. HELP!
Raydon,
You are very welcome to the forums.
There are lots of high quality men in this forum that are ready to offer you support and answer all your questions.
However you do need to post these questions in a specific forum, like the Sexual Marriage ebook forum, because many of the answers will involve specific knowledge from the books that we won’t share in the public section of the forum.