05-06-2010, 12:52 PM
I know that there are a lot of people of there who are reluctant to buy any of Calle's materials because you are not convinced that you will get value for their money. Maybe you have purchased other relationship books in the past, or been to seminars, or taken part in coucilling, and none of it worked. Perhaps you have started to believe that nothing WILL work to turn your marriage around.
A few months ago I was in the same boat. I read the ads on the Married And Happy web site and I thought it was too good to be true. I did not believe that I could have that kind of marriage just because I read some EBooks. However, out of curiosity I purchased the Sexual Marriage EBook and decided to make an honest attempt to put it into practice. Almost immediately I started to see results.
I don't believe in magic. When I find something that works I am not content to just say that it works just because it does. I want to know WHY it works. So, after reading 4 of Calle's EBooks I went out and did some other reading on the subject of Psychology and human relationships. Now I know why Calle's methods work and I will try to explain it without writing a book in the process.
First some very basic psychology:
There are two forces that control our behavior. PAIN is the force that motivates us to AVOID certain behaviors. PLEASURE is the force that motivates us to REPEAT certain behaviors. I'm sure this is nothing new to you. You learned this in high school. Pain motivates you to not put your hand in a fire. Pleasure motivates you to eat and have sex. There are no other motivators. Everything you do is driven by the motivation to either avoid doing something that is painful, or continue doing something that is pleasurable.
The brain has a very simplistic, but powerful method for sorting out what causes pain and what causes pleasure. Whenever you feel a sensation of pain or pleasure your mind will do a quick survey of the environment to determine what unique factors may be contributing to this sensation. Each time that a particular unique factor comes up in conjunction with pain or pleasure, the mental association between the sensation and the factor will be strengthened. For example, after burning your hand in a fire a few times your brain will create a strong association between fire and pain. You learn to anticipate that touching fire causes pain so DON'T DO IT. The same goes for pleasure. You learn to anticipate that having sex gives pleasure, so you try to repeat that behavior as often as possible.
Another piece of important, but not so obvious psychology:
The traditional roles of men and women in society were very different, and thus our brains developed differently in order to better meet the particular needs of each gender. In early societies, a man's survival depended mostly on his own skills. So long as he could hunt and defend himself, a man was safe. So when it came to mating, men did not care one bit if their mate liked them or not. They only cared about whether or not this mate was healthy enough to bear their children, and sane enough to take care of them afterward. Because of this, men developed a strong bias towards physical cues when determining if a potential mate is attractive or not.
Women were in a different situation. They were not typically strong enough and fast enough to hunt and defend themselves. In order to survive they had to rely on their ability to attract a male who would do those things for them. Bearing children was (and still is) a very large investment for a woman. She was not going to mate with a man who might take off and abandon her and the child to starve afterward. She wanted a man who was committed to protecting her and keeping her close. Because of this, women developed a strong bias towards the emotional attractiveness of a man and strong need to feel connected to a man before she will mate with him.
So that is all well and good, but how does it realte to your modern marriage relationship?
First of all, you need to recognize that in order to have a happy sexual relationship with your wife, you MUST make yourself emotionally attractive to her. You must allow her to feel that you have a strong emotional connection with her and that she is safe, secure, loved and appreciated. Her mind will NOT allow her to relax and enjoy a loving sexual relationship if her emotional needs are not being met.
Secondly, you need to recognize that you CANNOT use negative tactics to control your wife's behavior. Negative tactics cause pain, and are therefore most useful in teaching another person what NOT to do. When you berate your wife for not having sex with you, she feels inadequate and attacked. This is painful for her and her brain searches for what is causing this pain. You might hope that she will associate that pain with your message that you are not getting enough sex, but this is usually not the case. More likely she is going to associate the pain with you and the way you are behaving. If this behavior is repeated she will create a strong association between you and feeling pain. People avoid things that cause them pain.
Calle understands all of this, and that is why he has developed a program and works on the opposite principal. Calle knows that if you want to encourage your wife to repeat certain patterns of behavior, you have to do it by giving her pleasure. Calle has developed a program that allows YOU to become a strong and independant man who is SELF validating and in control of himself. From that position of power, Calle will then teach you how to GIVE your wife strong positive experiences that will cause her to associate YOU with PLEASURE.
Thats right, the same basic principals that cause your wife to eat more chocolate than is good for her will also allow you to enjoy a healthy sexual marriage. This is not voodoo magic that Calle is selling here. It is a proven technique for modifying human behavior that is well grounded in the science of psychology.
Still not convinced. Ask yourself this:
What would you rather have
a) A wife who pleases you because she is afraid of what will happen if she dosen't
b) A wife who pleases you because she is head over heels in love with you and wants you to be happy with her
It is actually a trick question. If you focus on b) then a) will happen all by itself with no extra effort on your part. If you follow Calle's program and work hard at becoming the kind of man that ANY woman could fall head over heels in love with, then your wife will step up to be worthy of your love because she will NOT want to lose you.
A few months ago I was in the same boat. I read the ads on the Married And Happy web site and I thought it was too good to be true. I did not believe that I could have that kind of marriage just because I read some EBooks. However, out of curiosity I purchased the Sexual Marriage EBook and decided to make an honest attempt to put it into practice. Almost immediately I started to see results.
I don't believe in magic. When I find something that works I am not content to just say that it works just because it does. I want to know WHY it works. So, after reading 4 of Calle's EBooks I went out and did some other reading on the subject of Psychology and human relationships. Now I know why Calle's methods work and I will try to explain it without writing a book in the process.
First some very basic psychology:
There are two forces that control our behavior. PAIN is the force that motivates us to AVOID certain behaviors. PLEASURE is the force that motivates us to REPEAT certain behaviors. I'm sure this is nothing new to you. You learned this in high school. Pain motivates you to not put your hand in a fire. Pleasure motivates you to eat and have sex. There are no other motivators. Everything you do is driven by the motivation to either avoid doing something that is painful, or continue doing something that is pleasurable.
The brain has a very simplistic, but powerful method for sorting out what causes pain and what causes pleasure. Whenever you feel a sensation of pain or pleasure your mind will do a quick survey of the environment to determine what unique factors may be contributing to this sensation. Each time that a particular unique factor comes up in conjunction with pain or pleasure, the mental association between the sensation and the factor will be strengthened. For example, after burning your hand in a fire a few times your brain will create a strong association between fire and pain. You learn to anticipate that touching fire causes pain so DON'T DO IT. The same goes for pleasure. You learn to anticipate that having sex gives pleasure, so you try to repeat that behavior as often as possible.
Another piece of important, but not so obvious psychology:
The traditional roles of men and women in society were very different, and thus our brains developed differently in order to better meet the particular needs of each gender. In early societies, a man's survival depended mostly on his own skills. So long as he could hunt and defend himself, a man was safe. So when it came to mating, men did not care one bit if their mate liked them or not. They only cared about whether or not this mate was healthy enough to bear their children, and sane enough to take care of them afterward. Because of this, men developed a strong bias towards physical cues when determining if a potential mate is attractive or not.
Women were in a different situation. They were not typically strong enough and fast enough to hunt and defend themselves. In order to survive they had to rely on their ability to attract a male who would do those things for them. Bearing children was (and still is) a very large investment for a woman. She was not going to mate with a man who might take off and abandon her and the child to starve afterward. She wanted a man who was committed to protecting her and keeping her close. Because of this, women developed a strong bias towards the emotional attractiveness of a man and strong need to feel connected to a man before she will mate with him.
So that is all well and good, but how does it realte to your modern marriage relationship?
First of all, you need to recognize that in order to have a happy sexual relationship with your wife, you MUST make yourself emotionally attractive to her. You must allow her to feel that you have a strong emotional connection with her and that she is safe, secure, loved and appreciated. Her mind will NOT allow her to relax and enjoy a loving sexual relationship if her emotional needs are not being met.
Secondly, you need to recognize that you CANNOT use negative tactics to control your wife's behavior. Negative tactics cause pain, and are therefore most useful in teaching another person what NOT to do. When you berate your wife for not having sex with you, she feels inadequate and attacked. This is painful for her and her brain searches for what is causing this pain. You might hope that she will associate that pain with your message that you are not getting enough sex, but this is usually not the case. More likely she is going to associate the pain with you and the way you are behaving. If this behavior is repeated she will create a strong association between you and feeling pain. People avoid things that cause them pain.
Calle understands all of this, and that is why he has developed a program and works on the opposite principal. Calle knows that if you want to encourage your wife to repeat certain patterns of behavior, you have to do it by giving her pleasure. Calle has developed a program that allows YOU to become a strong and independant man who is SELF validating and in control of himself. From that position of power, Calle will then teach you how to GIVE your wife strong positive experiences that will cause her to associate YOU with PLEASURE.
Thats right, the same basic principals that cause your wife to eat more chocolate than is good for her will also allow you to enjoy a healthy sexual marriage. This is not voodoo magic that Calle is selling here. It is a proven technique for modifying human behavior that is well grounded in the science of psychology.
Still not convinced. Ask yourself this:
What would you rather have
a) A wife who pleases you because she is afraid of what will happen if she dosen't
b) A wife who pleases you because she is head over heels in love with you and wants you to be happy with her
It is actually a trick question. If you focus on b) then a) will happen all by itself with no extra effort on your part. If you follow Calle's program and work hard at becoming the kind of man that ANY woman could fall head over heels in love with, then your wife will step up to be worthy of your love because she will NOT want to lose you.