05-06-2010, 09:30 AM
The following article appeared in the Ottawa Citizen newspaper on Saturday May 1st 2010. My wife and I agreed that it was a very good article so I decided to post it here.
See the link below to view the original:
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Runawa...story.html
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The autumn day in 2006 when Vikki Stark's life changed forever started as such days usually do -- unremarkably.
The family therapist and author had just returned to Montreal after a gruelling 3,000-kilometre trip to promote her first book My Sister, Myself, and was looking forward to spending a few quiet days with her husband of 21 years.
Her husband, a South African who was "so devoted ... the personification of honesty and decency," had kept her company via attentive calls throughout her trip, and before she left, had lovingly signed cards that said "Thank you for the myriad joys you bring me!" "He was an unusually affectionate and warm sweetheart," she recalls. "We had a healthy relationship."
So nothing could have prepared her for what transpired on that fall day. Spark spent a happy afternoon unpacking. Then her husband returned from work. "I threaded my arm through his, gave him a squeeze and said, 'I bought fish.' He looked at me rather strangely and said, 'It's over.' "
For a moment, Stark wondered if he no longer ate fish. Then he said the words she thought she'd never hear: "The marriage. It's over. I'm leaving you. I'm moving in with my girlfriend."
At first, Stark didn't believe him. But by the end of the evening, he'd laid it out in crushing terms: he'd been having an affair for six years, although they'd broken up five years before because he wanted Stark to care for him during his liver transplant; he'd secretly taken his sabbatical with his girlfriend to South Africa, all the while calling his wife to say how lonely he was; and while Stark was on the road, he'd moved his lover into her bed. "His girlfriend has been at my house, cooking dinner in my kitchen and sleeping in my bed," she says, with painful clarity. "I hate to sound dramatic, but it felt like he'd stuck a knife in, turned it and then watched dispassionately as I sat there bleeding."
What could she have done differently? Did she miss the signs of an affair? According to Stark, such questions tormented her as she searched for answers, which she unravels in her latest book, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal. Although it took ages to get over feeling like she'd been "hit by a Mack truck in my own living room," she was also able to use her training to study what she has now dubbed "Wife Abandonment Syndrome." Based on interviews and a survey of 400 women, Stark says she's come to terms with some of the "eerily similar" behaviours runaway husbands display. "From what they would say, where they would be sitting, the time of year, what they did subsequently and how angry and resentful they became after they left, it became clear that there was definitely a pattern at play."
Almost to a man, the husbands were principled people, spectacular spouses, affectionate lovers and devoted fathers who "were the envy of the wife's women friends." None of the marriages had a history of unresolved or serious issues, although by the time the husband made his announcement during a seemingly off-hand moment such as when doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, he was already well-prepared for his move, often with another partner. In many cases, the reasons for leaving were inane to the extreme. According to Stark's survey, one man said he realized after 38 years that Sagittarius and Capricorn "just don't mix;" another said his wife left too many shoes at the back door.
In 44 per cent of cases Stark studied, the husband left between November and January; nearly every one later became hostile or virtually disappeared.
Such was the experience of Catherine Smith, 53, who works for a biotech firm in Victoria, B.C. Although she wasn't living "a fantasy marriage," she says her hard-working partner was "my confidante and my best friend." However, when he returned from a holiday in India and Bhutan in 2005, he suddenly announced he'd fallen in love with a woman on the trip and that a psychic had told them they were soul mates. He immediately moved out, ignored Smith's requests for couples' counselling or contact, and soon married his new partner. He now lives in Switzerland and has seen his 13-year-old daughter once in the past year.
"Everyone was shocked and asked why I didn't see it coming," she says. "But I couldn't -- we didn't have serious issues. Initially, he sent me a couple of letters saying this was the most courageous thing he'd ever done, that he had so many responsibilities and for once, he was doing something for himself."
According to Stark, such rationalization is one clue to why otherwise responsible, attentive and loving husbands bolt. She cites a study at Illinois' Northwest University, in which researchers studying a person's morality versus comfort with wrongdoing found surprising results. "People who assess themselves as exceptionally good cut themselves more slack in certain situations and may even give themselves license to act unethically," she says. "It's the 'I gave at the office' mentality. Similarly, men who run away from their marriages may feel that their former good reputation should be enough to excuse this current little transgression."
Stark believes the behaviour is actually founded in the past. Since boys are not typically encouraged to attach to their mothers, "they're stuck with an inherent paradox: If they seek out their mother's warmth, which they need in order to feel secure, they risk having their very identity questioned.
"As men, they need their wives desperately, putting them on a pedestal, but deep down hate the very fact that they need them so much -- that hunger makes them feel vulnerable." And as a man hits midlife, and feels "his power is on the wane, he may subconsciously blame his wife for not protecting him from that blow to the ego. As his disillusionment with himself builds, so does the case against his wife, who is often at the height of her powers at midlife. Then, to preserve his identity, the decision is made to escape from that person whom he perceives as causing his diminishment."
It sounds too neat, and perhaps does not account enough for the other side of the coin -- the play between husband and wife, their sex life, the tacit and perhaps blind assumption that all is well when there are, in fact, small injustices that grow into irreparable rents in the fabric of a marriage.
As such, says Stark, part of the responsibility for miscommunication rests with women because they "don't really understand men. They don't understand how important sex is to their feeling of being successful in the world. They don't understand how men think, what's important to them, how fragile they are emotionally and why they shut down when they're upset. A woman thinks that means he doesn't care, but he's shutting down because he can't take it."
That realization, she says, is critical for all marriages going forward. "I think the one thing I could have done differently is checked in. I thought if there was a problem, he'd tell me. But men aren't socialized to talk about their feelings first, and I never said, 'How are we doing?' Now, I would recommend checking in, no matter how things look on the surface."
© Copyright © The Ottawa Citizen
See the link below to view the original:
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Runawa...story.html
-----------------------------------------------------------
The autumn day in 2006 when Vikki Stark's life changed forever started as such days usually do -- unremarkably.
The family therapist and author had just returned to Montreal after a gruelling 3,000-kilometre trip to promote her first book My Sister, Myself, and was looking forward to spending a few quiet days with her husband of 21 years.
Her husband, a South African who was "so devoted ... the personification of honesty and decency," had kept her company via attentive calls throughout her trip, and before she left, had lovingly signed cards that said "Thank you for the myriad joys you bring me!" "He was an unusually affectionate and warm sweetheart," she recalls. "We had a healthy relationship."
So nothing could have prepared her for what transpired on that fall day. Spark spent a happy afternoon unpacking. Then her husband returned from work. "I threaded my arm through his, gave him a squeeze and said, 'I bought fish.' He looked at me rather strangely and said, 'It's over.' "
For a moment, Stark wondered if he no longer ate fish. Then he said the words she thought she'd never hear: "The marriage. It's over. I'm leaving you. I'm moving in with my girlfriend."
At first, Stark didn't believe him. But by the end of the evening, he'd laid it out in crushing terms: he'd been having an affair for six years, although they'd broken up five years before because he wanted Stark to care for him during his liver transplant; he'd secretly taken his sabbatical with his girlfriend to South Africa, all the while calling his wife to say how lonely he was; and while Stark was on the road, he'd moved his lover into her bed. "His girlfriend has been at my house, cooking dinner in my kitchen and sleeping in my bed," she says, with painful clarity. "I hate to sound dramatic, but it felt like he'd stuck a knife in, turned it and then watched dispassionately as I sat there bleeding."
What could she have done differently? Did she miss the signs of an affair? According to Stark, such questions tormented her as she searched for answers, which she unravels in her latest book, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal. Although it took ages to get over feeling like she'd been "hit by a Mack truck in my own living room," she was also able to use her training to study what she has now dubbed "Wife Abandonment Syndrome." Based on interviews and a survey of 400 women, Stark says she's come to terms with some of the "eerily similar" behaviours runaway husbands display. "From what they would say, where they would be sitting, the time of year, what they did subsequently and how angry and resentful they became after they left, it became clear that there was definitely a pattern at play."
Almost to a man, the husbands were principled people, spectacular spouses, affectionate lovers and devoted fathers who "were the envy of the wife's women friends." None of the marriages had a history of unresolved or serious issues, although by the time the husband made his announcement during a seemingly off-hand moment such as when doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, he was already well-prepared for his move, often with another partner. In many cases, the reasons for leaving were inane to the extreme. According to Stark's survey, one man said he realized after 38 years that Sagittarius and Capricorn "just don't mix;" another said his wife left too many shoes at the back door.
In 44 per cent of cases Stark studied, the husband left between November and January; nearly every one later became hostile or virtually disappeared.
Such was the experience of Catherine Smith, 53, who works for a biotech firm in Victoria, B.C. Although she wasn't living "a fantasy marriage," she says her hard-working partner was "my confidante and my best friend." However, when he returned from a holiday in India and Bhutan in 2005, he suddenly announced he'd fallen in love with a woman on the trip and that a psychic had told them they were soul mates. He immediately moved out, ignored Smith's requests for couples' counselling or contact, and soon married his new partner. He now lives in Switzerland and has seen his 13-year-old daughter once in the past year.
"Everyone was shocked and asked why I didn't see it coming," she says. "But I couldn't -- we didn't have serious issues. Initially, he sent me a couple of letters saying this was the most courageous thing he'd ever done, that he had so many responsibilities and for once, he was doing something for himself."
According to Stark, such rationalization is one clue to why otherwise responsible, attentive and loving husbands bolt. She cites a study at Illinois' Northwest University, in which researchers studying a person's morality versus comfort with wrongdoing found surprising results. "People who assess themselves as exceptionally good cut themselves more slack in certain situations and may even give themselves license to act unethically," she says. "It's the 'I gave at the office' mentality. Similarly, men who run away from their marriages may feel that their former good reputation should be enough to excuse this current little transgression."
Stark believes the behaviour is actually founded in the past. Since boys are not typically encouraged to attach to their mothers, "they're stuck with an inherent paradox: If they seek out their mother's warmth, which they need in order to feel secure, they risk having their very identity questioned.
"As men, they need their wives desperately, putting them on a pedestal, but deep down hate the very fact that they need them so much -- that hunger makes them feel vulnerable." And as a man hits midlife, and feels "his power is on the wane, he may subconsciously blame his wife for not protecting him from that blow to the ego. As his disillusionment with himself builds, so does the case against his wife, who is often at the height of her powers at midlife. Then, to preserve his identity, the decision is made to escape from that person whom he perceives as causing his diminishment."
It sounds too neat, and perhaps does not account enough for the other side of the coin -- the play between husband and wife, their sex life, the tacit and perhaps blind assumption that all is well when there are, in fact, small injustices that grow into irreparable rents in the fabric of a marriage.
As such, says Stark, part of the responsibility for miscommunication rests with women because they "don't really understand men. They don't understand how important sex is to their feeling of being successful in the world. They don't understand how men think, what's important to them, how fragile they are emotionally and why they shut down when they're upset. A woman thinks that means he doesn't care, but he's shutting down because he can't take it."
That realization, she says, is critical for all marriages going forward. "I think the one thing I could have done differently is checked in. I thought if there was a problem, he'd tell me. But men aren't socialized to talk about their feelings first, and I never said, 'How are we doing?' Now, I would recommend checking in, no matter how things look on the surface."
© Copyright © The Ottawa Citizen
