04-22-2010, 08:40 AM
I saw a great article in this month's issue of Psychology Today. It was called The Expectations Trap : Why We Are Conditioned to Blame Our Partners For Our Unhappiness.
I would encourage everyone to read it, but I will sum up the main points.
Marriages originally began as strategeic partnerships between a man and a woman. They each realized that together they had a better chance of surviving and raising their children to adulthood. People who married were often not in love, and maybe never would be, but they stayed together because their survival depended on it.
Over time marriage has become less about basic survival, and the focus has slowly been shifting. Once upon a time both partners put the needs of the family first. Now, the consumerist mentality of the modern era has conditioned us to put our own needs first. We are bombarded every day with the message that we deserve the best of everything, and that we should not settle for anything less than the best. This has impacted on the way we view everything in our world, including our relationships.
At any given time a person can sit down and imagine what their perfect marriage partner would be. They make a wish list of desirable features, and usually they have particular people in mind that exhibit one or more of those characteristics. In their mind they create a perfect partner that is an amalgam of all the things they want. Then they compare their real partner to this fictional partner, and if the gap between them is great enough then they decide that they are no longer happy in their marriage. They start focusing on what they don't have.
One obvious way to try and resolve this problem is to present your greivances to your partner and ask them to change. I want more sex. I want more time to myself. I want you to lose weight etc. However, this approach has two major flaws. The first flaw is that it assumes that if the partner actually makes the changes than everything will be good. However, people change over time and so does their idea of the perfect partner. Even if your partner bent over backward to please you at this point in time, how long would it be before you were back with a new list of greivances.
The other major flaw is that when you approach your partner and ask them to change, you are assuming you yourself are without flaws. People are often shocked when their list of greivances is met with a list of counter-greivances. They are so focused on their own unmet needs that they do not see the ways in which they themselves are falling short. Accomodation has to go both ways for a relationship to thrive.
The article then goes on to make suggestions that are very much in tune with Calle's program.
They suggest that if you want to change your relationship you need to start with yourself becaused that is the only variable that you have complete control of. Focus on being a good partner and making positive changes. This will create a positive environment for the other member of the relationship to step up and start making positive changes as well.
They said that people in this day and age need to realize that it is NOT their right to have all of their needs met all the time. Sometimes your partner will not be able to give you what you want at a particular point in time. Suck it up. You need to stay focused on the overall health of the relationship, and not get hung up on the outcome of particular events. Put the needs of the family first.
The last big advice is regularily count your blessings. Another of the effects of our consumerist culture is that we are conditioned to always be dissatisfied and always be looking for something that we don't yet have. We are not encouraged to sit down and note all of the good things in our lives and in our marriages.
Every year lots of people walk away from good marriages simply because they can imgaine something better, and they think it will be easier to go out and find their perfect mate rather than work on improving the relationship that they are already in.
The perfect partner DOES NOT EXIST. A person who chooses to focus only on their own needs will just go from one relationship to the next, always wondering why each partner failed to live up to their expectations. They will never be happy until they realize that their expectations are a big part of the problem.
I would encourage everyone to read it, but I will sum up the main points.
Marriages originally began as strategeic partnerships between a man and a woman. They each realized that together they had a better chance of surviving and raising their children to adulthood. People who married were often not in love, and maybe never would be, but they stayed together because their survival depended on it.
Over time marriage has become less about basic survival, and the focus has slowly been shifting. Once upon a time both partners put the needs of the family first. Now, the consumerist mentality of the modern era has conditioned us to put our own needs first. We are bombarded every day with the message that we deserve the best of everything, and that we should not settle for anything less than the best. This has impacted on the way we view everything in our world, including our relationships.
At any given time a person can sit down and imagine what their perfect marriage partner would be. They make a wish list of desirable features, and usually they have particular people in mind that exhibit one or more of those characteristics. In their mind they create a perfect partner that is an amalgam of all the things they want. Then they compare their real partner to this fictional partner, and if the gap between them is great enough then they decide that they are no longer happy in their marriage. They start focusing on what they don't have.
One obvious way to try and resolve this problem is to present your greivances to your partner and ask them to change. I want more sex. I want more time to myself. I want you to lose weight etc. However, this approach has two major flaws. The first flaw is that it assumes that if the partner actually makes the changes than everything will be good. However, people change over time and so does their idea of the perfect partner. Even if your partner bent over backward to please you at this point in time, how long would it be before you were back with a new list of greivances.
The other major flaw is that when you approach your partner and ask them to change, you are assuming you yourself are without flaws. People are often shocked when their list of greivances is met with a list of counter-greivances. They are so focused on their own unmet needs that they do not see the ways in which they themselves are falling short. Accomodation has to go both ways for a relationship to thrive.
The article then goes on to make suggestions that are very much in tune with Calle's program.
They suggest that if you want to change your relationship you need to start with yourself becaused that is the only variable that you have complete control of. Focus on being a good partner and making positive changes. This will create a positive environment for the other member of the relationship to step up and start making positive changes as well.
They said that people in this day and age need to realize that it is NOT their right to have all of their needs met all the time. Sometimes your partner will not be able to give you what you want at a particular point in time. Suck it up. You need to stay focused on the overall health of the relationship, and not get hung up on the outcome of particular events. Put the needs of the family first.
The last big advice is regularily count your blessings. Another of the effects of our consumerist culture is that we are conditioned to always be dissatisfied and always be looking for something that we don't yet have. We are not encouraged to sit down and note all of the good things in our lives and in our marriages.
Every year lots of people walk away from good marriages simply because they can imgaine something better, and they think it will be easier to go out and find their perfect mate rather than work on improving the relationship that they are already in.
The perfect partner DOES NOT EXIST. A person who chooses to focus only on their own needs will just go from one relationship to the next, always wondering why each partner failed to live up to their expectations. They will never be happy until they realize that their expectations are a big part of the problem.