02-24-2010, 08:58 AM
It seems to be the protocol here to introduce yourself by describing how you ended up here. So this is my story:
I have been married almost 10 years and have two small children (5 and 3). Before we got married I persued my wife very intently and it took some time for her to come around. She had fallen hard for a friend of mine a few months before we started dating and seemed to harbor feelings for him long after we got together. I was dumped twice before we finally settled into a steady relationship and then got engaged. Looking back, I can see that I came into the relationship with a lot of personal insecurities. I felt that my wife had "settled" for me in the absence of someone better (ie. my friend).
The first few years of marriage went pretty smoothly. She moved from her parent's house into my apartment with me and then we bought a house together. During those first few years we had frequent sex, but even then I think she was mostly doing it for my sake. Then we reached the point where we wanted to start a family and after six months of trying she got pregnant ... and my sex life totally dissappeared. I read up on the subject and convinced myself that the sex drought would end six weeks after the baby was born when the doctor gave us the OK. However, six weeks came and went and my wife still had no interest in sex. Then 3 months passed, then 6 months passed ... then a year passed and I was still coming up empty on the sex issue. At about the 10 month point I lost my patience and blew up at my wife. That was the first time in our marriage that I ever made her cry. I basically told her that I could not be in a marriage that did not involve sex and then left her to think about it while I stormed out. I was essentially using the "First Law" as Calle described it in his book Nymphomaniac Wife. And it worked exactly as he said. The short term result was that I got sex. The long term result was that I damaged our marriage.
Over the next few months I periodically called on the First Law to get some intimacy, but it was obvious to me that I was just getting sympathy sex and that made me angry. I could not understand why my wife had completely lost interest in sex. All of my old insecurities came bubbling up. I imagined that she no longer needed me. I imagined that our sex life was over. Every few weeks the frustration would boil over and we would have another argument. She told me much later that she was certain that I was going to walk out on her and leave her as a single mom. However, as time went by the issue seemed to subside and we slowly fell back into having sex on a regular basis again. She even initiated some times, but I think it was just her way of trying to keep the family together. We then decided to have a second child.
By this point I was already feeling that I handled the whole thing very badly and I resolved to be a better husband. However, sex was still a sore point for me and despite my best intentions, we had a couple of arguments about sex in the months after our second child was born. When our second was about a year old I started having thoughts about an affair. I did not have any particular person in mind, it was just a fantasy that was appealing to me. I created this perfect woman in my mind whose only goal in life was to make me happy. I wished that my wife would be like that. Then I got a huge bucket of cold water thrown on me when a friend walked out on his family. He announced that he had been cheating on his wife for six months, and he was in love with his mistress and wanted to be with her instead. It totally devastated his wife and kids. For the record, he ended up drinking himself stupid and losing both his mistress and his job within a year. It was like he hit the self destruct button and blew himself (and his family) to pieces.
After that I threw out any thoughts of an affair and decided to work on fixing my marriage instead. I went down to the book store and started browsing relationship books. Over the next year I devoured everything I could find on the subject and probably spent over $200. Most of the books had some good advice that I took away. I learned early on that my selfish, childish behavior was the cause of most of my marriage problems. I learned that instead of trying to change my wife, I needed to change myself and then wait for her to follow my lead. I learned a lot about sexual techniques
However, none of the books seemed to be a complete solution. I worked hard at being a good listener. I worked hard at giving my wife lots of affection and gratitude. I put aside lots of time to spend with her doing things that were fun for her. However, none of this seemed to get me more sex. I had become a great friend, room mate and parenting partner for her, but not the great lover that I wanted to be.
I stumbled onto Calle's books while doing a web search for how to seduce your wife. I bought the Sexual Marriage book, and quickly concluded that I was already doing 80% of what the book suggested. However, that book did bring attention to some of the ways in which I was undermining my own masculinity. When my wife got angry or snippy with me I tended to say or do things to placate her so that the moment would pass and we could get back to being happy. I have changed that behavior. Now when my wife talks down to me I make it clear that this is not the way to get through to me. It didn't take long before she stopped issuing orders and started asking nicely for things. Also, when my wife gives me valid feedback (in a nice way) I try hard to follow through and fix the problem. This has led to less nagging. In any case, the book convinced me that I was already on the right track and just needed to make some minor changes.
The real pay dirt for me came from reading the book "How to be the best lover your wife ever had". I chuckled when I bought it because I know that I am the ONLY lover my wife ever had, but I would still like to be a better lover. I already knew from reading other books that foreplay was very important for women, but I always thought it was just that their bodies needed time to warm up so that they could have good intercourse. Now I understand that good foreplay is part of the emotional package that my wife needs in order to feel that sex was a satisfying experience. The last time my wife and I had sex I threw myself into the task of creating a good package for her. I spent a good long time making love to every inch of her and when we got to the intercourse she orgasmed in record time. She told me a couple of days later that it was the best sex we have ever had. I still need to work on how to help her enjoy the "after glow" part. I think it is important for us to connect deeply after sex so that she will crave that time in the future.
I feel that I am now at the start of a wonderful adventure. Our kids are still small, so sex is not going to be frequent for the next while, but I now have the tools to ensure that when I do get the oppurtunity I can make sex a wonderful experience for her. I have seen that it works and now I just need to be patient and wait for the effect to build up. Once we have established a pattern that sex is really satisfying for her every time it happens, I have faith that she will start seeking it out more often. In the meantime, I understand that she is exhausted every night from being a stay at home mom and I am trying hard to be patient and keep taking care of her needs even if I am not getting the "pay out" as often as I would like. The fact that my wife cannot walk past me without giving me a hug or a kiss these days shows that I have been successful in making our relationship safe and happy for her again. As long as I keep doing what I am doing the rest will follow in time.
As an aside, I would like to mention that I used to have a problem with premature ejaculation and I was certain that this was why my wife avoided having sex with me. I have since come to realize that my premature ejaculation was caused by the fact that I tended to get too wound up about sex. My performance anxiety was causing me to have performance issues. Now that sex has become much more relaxed for us the performance issues have gone away. With good foreplay I ensure that my wife is really ready for sex before I go in, then I just relax and enjoy the experience and I can last way longer than I used to. The brain truly is the most important sex organ.
I have been married almost 10 years and have two small children (5 and 3). Before we got married I persued my wife very intently and it took some time for her to come around. She had fallen hard for a friend of mine a few months before we started dating and seemed to harbor feelings for him long after we got together. I was dumped twice before we finally settled into a steady relationship and then got engaged. Looking back, I can see that I came into the relationship with a lot of personal insecurities. I felt that my wife had "settled" for me in the absence of someone better (ie. my friend).
The first few years of marriage went pretty smoothly. She moved from her parent's house into my apartment with me and then we bought a house together. During those first few years we had frequent sex, but even then I think she was mostly doing it for my sake. Then we reached the point where we wanted to start a family and after six months of trying she got pregnant ... and my sex life totally dissappeared. I read up on the subject and convinced myself that the sex drought would end six weeks after the baby was born when the doctor gave us the OK. However, six weeks came and went and my wife still had no interest in sex. Then 3 months passed, then 6 months passed ... then a year passed and I was still coming up empty on the sex issue. At about the 10 month point I lost my patience and blew up at my wife. That was the first time in our marriage that I ever made her cry. I basically told her that I could not be in a marriage that did not involve sex and then left her to think about it while I stormed out. I was essentially using the "First Law" as Calle described it in his book Nymphomaniac Wife. And it worked exactly as he said. The short term result was that I got sex. The long term result was that I damaged our marriage.
Over the next few months I periodically called on the First Law to get some intimacy, but it was obvious to me that I was just getting sympathy sex and that made me angry. I could not understand why my wife had completely lost interest in sex. All of my old insecurities came bubbling up. I imagined that she no longer needed me. I imagined that our sex life was over. Every few weeks the frustration would boil over and we would have another argument. She told me much later that she was certain that I was going to walk out on her and leave her as a single mom. However, as time went by the issue seemed to subside and we slowly fell back into having sex on a regular basis again. She even initiated some times, but I think it was just her way of trying to keep the family together. We then decided to have a second child.
By this point I was already feeling that I handled the whole thing very badly and I resolved to be a better husband. However, sex was still a sore point for me and despite my best intentions, we had a couple of arguments about sex in the months after our second child was born. When our second was about a year old I started having thoughts about an affair. I did not have any particular person in mind, it was just a fantasy that was appealing to me. I created this perfect woman in my mind whose only goal in life was to make me happy. I wished that my wife would be like that. Then I got a huge bucket of cold water thrown on me when a friend walked out on his family. He announced that he had been cheating on his wife for six months, and he was in love with his mistress and wanted to be with her instead. It totally devastated his wife and kids. For the record, he ended up drinking himself stupid and losing both his mistress and his job within a year. It was like he hit the self destruct button and blew himself (and his family) to pieces.
After that I threw out any thoughts of an affair and decided to work on fixing my marriage instead. I went down to the book store and started browsing relationship books. Over the next year I devoured everything I could find on the subject and probably spent over $200. Most of the books had some good advice that I took away. I learned early on that my selfish, childish behavior was the cause of most of my marriage problems. I learned that instead of trying to change my wife, I needed to change myself and then wait for her to follow my lead. I learned a lot about sexual techniques
However, none of the books seemed to be a complete solution. I worked hard at being a good listener. I worked hard at giving my wife lots of affection and gratitude. I put aside lots of time to spend with her doing things that were fun for her. However, none of this seemed to get me more sex. I had become a great friend, room mate and parenting partner for her, but not the great lover that I wanted to be.I stumbled onto Calle's books while doing a web search for how to seduce your wife. I bought the Sexual Marriage book, and quickly concluded that I was already doing 80% of what the book suggested. However, that book did bring attention to some of the ways in which I was undermining my own masculinity. When my wife got angry or snippy with me I tended to say or do things to placate her so that the moment would pass and we could get back to being happy. I have changed that behavior. Now when my wife talks down to me I make it clear that this is not the way to get through to me. It didn't take long before she stopped issuing orders and started asking nicely for things. Also, when my wife gives me valid feedback (in a nice way) I try hard to follow through and fix the problem. This has led to less nagging. In any case, the book convinced me that I was already on the right track and just needed to make some minor changes.
The real pay dirt for me came from reading the book "How to be the best lover your wife ever had". I chuckled when I bought it because I know that I am the ONLY lover my wife ever had, but I would still like to be a better lover. I already knew from reading other books that foreplay was very important for women, but I always thought it was just that their bodies needed time to warm up so that they could have good intercourse. Now I understand that good foreplay is part of the emotional package that my wife needs in order to feel that sex was a satisfying experience. The last time my wife and I had sex I threw myself into the task of creating a good package for her. I spent a good long time making love to every inch of her and when we got to the intercourse she orgasmed in record time. She told me a couple of days later that it was the best sex we have ever had. I still need to work on how to help her enjoy the "after glow" part. I think it is important for us to connect deeply after sex so that she will crave that time in the future.
I feel that I am now at the start of a wonderful adventure. Our kids are still small, so sex is not going to be frequent for the next while, but I now have the tools to ensure that when I do get the oppurtunity I can make sex a wonderful experience for her. I have seen that it works and now I just need to be patient and wait for the effect to build up. Once we have established a pattern that sex is really satisfying for her every time it happens, I have faith that she will start seeking it out more often. In the meantime, I understand that she is exhausted every night from being a stay at home mom and I am trying hard to be patient and keep taking care of her needs even if I am not getting the "pay out" as often as I would like. The fact that my wife cannot walk past me without giving me a hug or a kiss these days shows that I have been successful in making our relationship safe and happy for her again. As long as I keep doing what I am doing the rest will follow in time.
As an aside, I would like to mention that I used to have a problem with premature ejaculation and I was certain that this was why my wife avoided having sex with me. I have since come to realize that my premature ejaculation was caused by the fact that I tended to get too wound up about sex. My performance anxiety was causing me to have performance issues. Now that sex has become much more relaxed for us the performance issues have gone away. With good foreplay I ensure that my wife is really ready for sex before I go in, then I just relax and enjoy the experience and I can last way longer than I used to. The brain truly is the most important sex organ.