Greetings and hello to all,
My story is similar to most here so I'll spare the gory details for now. Quick summary, Married for 13yrs with 3 kids, my wife has supported me through a few career ups and downs over the years with out a complaint. I knew something was "not quite right" this year (and had asked what was wrong with no answer) then in the end of Sept she dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" on me after I dragged her out for a talk because she was acting very short and abrupt with me. I now know what I was doing wrong after going over the books. We had few talks here and there since then and she has suggested that we won't separate right away but it will take a long time to see if there is any desire to stay. At first I did all the wrong things. Now we are polite to each other daily and I have made some radical changes in my behavior but her terms are killing me!
At first I tried to pay more attention (holding hands, a nice hug, etc) but now she has informed me that it makes her uncomfortable, so I have stopped. the only physical contact that I receive from her is a very quick kiss good night. I'm stepping up and doing a lot of the things she had complained about plus more and actually enjoying them.
I should mention that she is turning 40 next year and I think she has fallen into the mid life crises stage with the way I'd been acting for a while. Now with Christmas around the corner, I'm worried the extra stress isn't going to be good. What I need is a ice breaker to start some mutual communication since any thing I suggest ( dinner, quick coffee, go for a walk) is met with a cool "No".
Anyone?
Sounds like my situation, and I know the "killing me" feeling you write of. My philosophy now is; "keep trying and hope for the best, but start getting prepared for the worst."
Good luck.
Seriously guys,
I"m just a guy like you who was in the EXACT same stage just 6 months ago. 10 years with wife, 2 kids ages 1 and 4.
My wife did not like holding hands or hugging or affection, had bad intimacy every few days, and never really talked. She was naggy everyday.
short answer - buy HOW TO CREATE A MORE EXUAL MARRIAGE guide. It works. I"m not part of this company, just another consumer passionate to help others as I have been helped. Plus i have time to surf the web at work!
In short again, my wife does like affection, likes holding hands, likes kisses goodbye and hello, likes intimacy, loves me and is in love with me. 6 months ago you could delete everythign I just wrote.
It really comes down to learning basic tools of communication and knowing what a womans true needs are then meeting them on purpose when you are starving physically. persevering through it w/o getting rattled and acting like a man. This book helps you be more of a man - i know i know we're all men, but really today's culture has screwed us. We're house maids and lose masculinity in the process - there is a lot to juggle, i suggest getting started NOW.
I still am very attentive to conversations with my wife but I don't have to do all the extreme changes anymore, I'm back on top and you can be to. just takes a lot of dedication and work, but its worth it.
Thanks for the advice Jpmohave. I have bought the guides and starting to apply the basics. Since then, things have been much more pleasant but I haven't been able to break the ice and get any communication flowing about us personally. Day to day, work, kids etc is or seems to be a "safe" topic but beyond that and she clams up and I can see her whole demeanor change. This makes things very difficult for me to identify what is causing the negative feelings. Even paying her a complement (honestly, I might add) and the same type of shutting down occurs. I guess it's more of a waiting game and continue working on myself and like Arcana said prepare for the worst, at least I'll know I'll be a better man for it.
(12-10-2009 10:29 PM)In_too_deep Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for the advice Jpmohave. I have bought the guides and starting to apply the basics. Since then, things have been much more pleasant but I haven't been able to break the ice and get any communication flowing about us personally.
Unless I'm mistaken, this might be a tiny bit of progress, however small...
I'll reply to the rest in the More Sexual Marriage forum.
...Muppet
I'm new to this as of last nite, but I feel everything you said.
Two years ago after my wife and our son (I adopted him) spent 3 days out of state for her former mother-in-laws funeral, our entire life changed. I knew we were in trouble, I just didn't know how much trouble.
I will try to keep it short.
This is a second marriage for both of us, there are five kids between us, as of today we have been together for 9 years. (still together, thats important). When we meet we each had a 12 yr old daughter (thats how we met) I had a 10 yr old son and we each had a 3 yr old son. Her X was father to her youngest, not to her oldest. Once I got into the picture her X stoped paying any attention to his son, and never paid support unless the state took it from him. After we got married I adopted her kids. Things in the beginning were good, as they always are in every story. There was stress because the place we lived was small, so we bought a house and put the girls in seperate bedrooms, that made things better. My daughter however was always a pain in the ass, she was always a bitch to my wife and that is where things started going sideways 6 years in. My wife had had enough of my daughters crap and I just keep insisting that she continue to be the adult and put up with it.
The sex started going bad, which of course is when I started getting worried. I spent a year trying to get her to tell me what was wrong and only got the expected "nothing". Then she spends three days with her X and his family, comes home and tells me he wants to see the son he hasn't had anything to do with since the boy was 4 and sits in our bed with tears in her eyes and tells me she dosen't want to hurt me but she still has feelings for her X. That was in March.
After that she shut me out completly. Turned her head when I tried to kiss her, looked to the floor when I told her that I loved her, slept on the edge of the bed and pulled away when ever I touched her. By the end of April she was in a hotel room with her X. (she don't know I know that). This guy was an ass to her when they were married. He cheated on her, negleted their son, treated her daughter like the live in help and spent all their money on drugs and beer. I'm no prince but really are you kidding??
She did tell me what I had done that pissed her off and I did start turning those things around right away. That coupled with our friends who had known her when she was with him and had been our friends through the course of our relationship and couldn't belive what she was doing, along with the fact that once he got in her pants and got her to drop the order for the back support, he lost all intrest in his son and her helped her see that she was making a mistake.
Now two years later things are a lot better. She and my daughter have taken steps to patch things up, easier now that she dosen't live at home. My wife has re taken control of the house, the house is always clean, the laundry is always done and there is alway food on the table when there should. She takes great care of me and the two boys that are still at home. (Her daugher is in school, mine is married and my oldest boy is in the Marines) She handles the book keeping part of our business and we work together well on home improvment stuff. All of these I pulled off without the Married and Happy program. I just can't seem to get the intimacy back.
That's why I am here. We have had sex and once or twice it has been pretty good. Your wife comes home to find the children gone for the weekend, a fire in the fireplace, chocolate covered strawberries you made yourself and a bottle of wine, your gonna get laid. That was recent, it would not have worked early on, trust me. It was also not in the bedroom. A lot of trouble went on in the bedroom trying to keep things from the kids. That is a real problem for us. Also I am sure there is guilt over the cheating. I will not tell her I know, I will wait for her to come to me with that when she is ready. That is the only way she gets anything positive out of it.
This was supposed to be short, sorry about that.
Are you on the righjt track? I would say yes!
If you have taken responsibility for your screwups and are working to correct them, that is the first big step. I would also tell you, do not crowd her, give her space and do not pout around the house. I wish someone had told me that in the begining. If I had given her a little space and let her breathe, she might not have ended up in that hotel room. The blame and responsibility for that is on her, I know that. But my wife didn't go from thinking i was the best thing that ever happened to her to a hotel room with her X without some help from me.
If you have truely made changes, she will see them, and she will respond, it's a long process, it's been 2 years for us. She loved you in the begining and I'd bet she still does, she hasn't left or tossed you out, that's something to hold on to. By the time a women is ready to tell you she has one foot out the door...she is pretty pissed. It will take time before she is ready to belive your changes are for real.
For six months my wife slept on the edge of the bed, with the only physical contact between us my hand on her hip, after she fell asleep. She could have told me to go sleep in the empty bedroom, she never did. It might have been less painfull. Today she is sleeping in the middle of bed, faceing me and putting her damned ice cold feet on me. If she and I can get that far without any help from this program, then I have to believe any thing is possible. I am very hopeful this program will help me close the rest of the gap.
Sorry this was so long...I would love to know how things work out for you.
Hello GovnaB,
Wow! Man, after hearing that it makes me think that my wife is hiding from herself that she wants us to be together. We haven't had the issues that you have had but never the less, I'm here looking for answers.
(12-12-2009 10:10 AM)GovnaB Wrote: [ -> ]If she and I can get that far without any help from this program, then I have to believe any thing is possible. I am very hopeful this program will help me close the rest of the gap.
Hi GovnaB,
Welcome, and (speaking from personal experience) a lot of us have seen some pretty dramatic results here!
My suggestion: Tomorrow, pick up your phone and call Calle. My guess is that you would benefit most from one of the two following programs:
1) Nymph Wife / More Sexual Marriage (get both, it works best this way; this is the route I went, before option #2 was available
2) Calle's new Do-it-yourself marriage counseling program.
Calle will be glad to talk with you and identify the best fit for you in your situation. If you go with route #1 (what I did), I'll see you on those support forums...
Regards,
...Muppet
She might be, at the same time she might be further out the door then you think. I am not trying to scare ya, it's just as I look back on things, I can see now that my wife was pissed and wanted out, but also like me wanted to get back what we had. Some of my behavior moved her in the wrong direction!
I have been reading the material since I lasted posted....I can tell you I made a lot of mistakes. Read the e books and use them, I think they will help.
Makeing your own chocolate covered strawberries, for her can be a good ice breaker. Don't go into it expecting more then getting her to talk to you right now. You may get more but don't expect more. Also don't worry if they look like crap the first time...because they will. That's half the charm, and it proves you did it yourself.
Also no "discussions" in the bedroom....it makes for bad memories.
MUppet
I already bought the material and I have been reading it when I can over the weekend. I think it will help. Some of it I've been doing, some of it I should have been doing.
Time will tell
(12-14-2009 06:39 AM)GovnaB Wrote: [ -> ]I already bought the material and I have been reading it when I can over the weekend. I think it will help. Some of it I've been doing, some of it I should have been doing.
Cool! See you around the forums.
To both of you: we've seen some really amazing turnarounds here. As you get to know the guys here you'll see what I mean.
...Muppet