Married And Happy Discussion Forum

I was officially divorced on January 20, 2009. Since then my wife has only wanted contact by e-mail, and then gives only vague answers to my questions. Her heart is cold, she has never really come out and said why she wanted this divorce, except for telling me "I never do what I say I'm going to do."
Background : We were married 10 years ago. She was 39, I was 40. We both waited until we "found the right person." We are both Christians, and always held to the ideals of "NOT" getting divorced. EVER. Six years ago (1 1/2 years after our son was born, she went into what turned out to be a very tumultuous menopause. This were very tough and always surprising each day, not knowing who I would find the next day, physically or emotionally. She told me several times she just wanted to quit our jobs and move back close to her parents in Wisconsin. She needed help and support. I agreed we would do all we could through my job to get a new territory in Wisc., but I felt I should keep my job, especially in this economy. She instigated an arguement one night by pushing me, slapping me and grabbing my arms so hard they were bruised the next day. She asked me "you want to hit me right now don't you?" multiple times, but I kept insisting to her that I would never hit her. She hit me on the arms, and pushed me so many times, I finally help her down on the couch, told her to stop it and got up and walked up the steps to go outside. She followed me up the steps and slapped my hat off my head and turned to walk away. I put my hand on her shoulder to ask her why, and she slumped to the floor and closed her eyes in a fetal position. I saw what she was doing (she is a Masters Social Worker.)
Ever since nothing has been right. Cold silence. Once in awhile glimmers of hope and love making. When my territory had us move to Northern Michigan (not wisconsin) things got steadily worse.
Her Aunt died in Jan. 09', my Aunt died in March 09', we were packing to move in April and my Mom died April 17th. We then moved in May.
At the end of June 09' while I was working and she was with her family at a family reunion (Iwas on the way to meet her), we found out that her 52 year old brother had died.
I guess not many people can handle that amount of stress. But I could!
Well, we decided to go to counseling in Jan.08'. On "my" 3rd session she wanted to sit in and said she had made up her mind, she wanted a divorce, and was leaving with my 7 year old son 8 hours away to live with parents in southern Wisconsin. Obviously I was shell shocked.
We always talked as Christian spouses and parents, that this would never be us. What the "Bleep" happened.
I could go on and on, but I still love my wife. I seriously ment it when I said "In sickness and in health - In good times and bad, etc.,etc.
How do you win back the heart of the woman you love, if she's divorced you, won't speak to you, and has told her Lutheran Pastor Father (and mother, and sister and brother) that she just had to get away because I was beating her for 8 years and cheating on her????
I've never even thought of those kinds of things.

I'd appreciate any help that may be out there.
LarryB

Wow Larry sorry to hear of all your troubles. I would say for starters let her know you are here for her as a friend and that you still love her.

She sounds very unstable to me with some past emotional traumas but I'm not expert, I'm just another guy on this forum.

If I wanted my ex back I would first focus on becoming her friend, a true friend, and then buy calle's book how to have a more sexual marriage which comes with teh turn around guide I think.

the ebooks on this site are miraculous but require a lot of self development - focus within vs. on the other so to speak.

(10-12-2009 09:58 PM)LarryB Wrote: [ -> ]I was officially divorced on January 20, 2009. Since then my wife has only wanted contact by e-mail, and then gives only vague answers to my questions. Her heart is cold, she has never really come out and said why she wanted this divorce, except for telling me "I never do what I say I'm going to do."

This is a typical response from a man. He wants a logical, analytical, rationalized explanation from the woman. He wants a technical analysis that breaks it all down for him so that he can understand that when he did 'A' that caused 'B' which created 'C'...and that's NOT how the average woman thinks.

A woman wants a man that she can have a positive and sexual response to and all she knows is that a man is either creating that response in her or he's not. All she knows is that it either "feels" RIGHT with a man or it "feels" WRONG...and when if feels wrong, she's going to move away from that man.

So, in this case, all your estranged wife knows is that you haven't been creating good feelings within her and when you "pressure" her for an answer the best she can come up with is a "silly" answer like you NEVER do what you say you're going to do. Well, without a doubt there have been times when you DID do what you said you were going to do and there have been some times when you didn't. And somewhere along the way, you didn't do something that was important to your wife...and probably you don't even know what it was...she may have never said a word about it...she just went into a negative funk for a period of time...and then eventually "got over it"...but she still had that bad feeling inside...and eventually, you did the same thing again...until your wife built a generalization in her mind that you never do what you say you're going to do.

And, the reason your estranged wife cannot "tell" you why she divorced you is because her feelings have overwhelmed and covered up the original thoughts that created the feelings to begin with. Those original thoughts are still in there, but they are so buried underneath negative emotions that they are essentially inaccessible to her.

That's why your job is to start following the 6-step outline I gave you in "How To Get Your Woman Back".

Your job is to become the kind of man who creates GOOD feelings in your woman...feelings that she enjoys.

Your job is NOT to sit around and analyze the past...your job is NOT to try to ferret out "how come" from her...the more YOU dwell on the past, the more YOU keep HER stuck in the past too.

Sooner or later, there's going to be a some guy who generates a good feeling in this woman you used to be married to...and when that happens, she'll "forget" all about the past...and what I'm suggesting to you is that YOU become that guy who generates good feelings in her.

Personal growth...the expression of inner joy...that's where YOUR good is at. And, the sooner you go "there", the better your chances of getting your estranged wife back. Conversely, the longer you stay stuck in the past...the longer you give negative energy to what's happened, the lower your chances of reconciliation...and the greater the chances that another man will get her.

(10-12-2009 09:58 PM)LarryB Wrote: [ -> ]Background : We were married 10 years ago. She was 39, I was 40. We both waited until we "found the right person." We are both Christians, and always held to the ideals of "NOT" getting divorced. EVER. Six years ago (1 1/2 years after our son was born, she went into what turned out to be a very tumultuous menopause. This were very tough and always surprising each day, not knowing who I would find the next day, physically or emotionally. She told me several times she just wanted to quit our jobs and move back close to her parents in Wisconsin. She needed help and support.

What do you mean by she needed help and support?

It's one thing if she was just being a spoiled brat who wanted to go back to "Momma". It's another thing if she was needing physical and emotional help...and she wasn't getting it from you...and you were more concerned about your career than your family.

Where does the following quote fit in to this?

(10-12-2009 09:58 PM)LarryB Wrote: [ -> ]I seriously ment it when I said "In sickness and in health - In good times and bad, etc.,etc.

(10-12-2009 09:58 PM)LarryB Wrote: [ -> ]I agreed we would do all we could through my job to get a new territory in Wisc., but I felt I should keep my job, especially in this economy. She instigated an arguement one night by pushing me, slapping me and grabbing my arms so hard they were bruised the next day. She asked me "you want to hit me right now don't you?" multiple times, but I kept insisting to her that I would never hit her. She hit me on the arms, and pushed me so many times, I finally help her down on the couch, told her to stop it and got up and walked up the steps to go outside. She followed me up the steps and slapped my hat off my head and turned to walk away. I put my hand on her shoulder to ask her why, and she slumped to the floor and closed her eyes in a fetal position. I saw what she was doing (she is a Masters Social Worker.)

That says a lot right there...there are exceptions but in general, think about what kind of woman a "social worker" woman is...think about the type of women she's around...think about how all these women think...and how they think about men...are you sure that God didn't do you a massive favor?

Too many times guys get so obsessed with a woman because of what she looks like on the outside that they blind themselves to all the unhappiness, trouble, and problems that stem from how UGLY the woman is on the inside. They know they are unhappy but all they can think about his how "pretty" she "looks" and how they don't want to "lose" her that they can't even recognize that the woman simply is not a good person.

God meant for a woman to be a compliment to a man's life...not a drag and drain. (The same applies in reverse too.)

Maybe your estranged wife was/is one of the exceptions...but is she really?

(10-12-2009 09:58 PM)LarryB Wrote: [ -> ]How do you win back the heart of the woman you love, if she's divorced you, won't speak to you, and has told her Lutheran Pastor Father (and mother, and sister and brother) that she just had to get away because I was beating her for 8 years and cheating on her????

I've never even thought of those kinds of things.

I'd appreciate any help that may be out there.
LarryB

LarryB, go back to what I said in the "How To Get Your Woman Back" eBook...

You read that eBook right?

And yet, here you are asking the same question..."How do you win back the heart of the woman you love".

I told you the answer to that question in the eBook!

But, because you're asking the question, that tells me that you just want some "trick" with which you can "fix" her...and as long as you continue with that approach you will continue to push your estranged wife away from you...and you will FAIL to get her back.