I am new to this forum and would like to throw open the problem my wife and I face in our relationship. We love each other, have been married 16 years and have two pre teen kids. Recently an older couple were out visiting us and asked us about our marriage. How would we score our marriage, they asked. My wife gave it 8 out of 10. Later my wife and I were discussing this and she shared it was in our sexual journey that she is not fulfilled. We have known this for years.
The issue is that I reach climax very very quickly (less than 2 minutes) which leaves my wife high and dry. We have tried pinch methods, thinking about the rubbish ... but I feel unable to control myself. I am aware it is more to do with my mind than anything and there are issues of fear of dissappointing her, which were there from the beginning of our marriage.
I have read a couple of Calle Zorro's books 'Best Lover' and 'Wife Dating' and am see the need to be energetic and creative about dating, experiences and seducing her. A current concern is we could get to better experiences but when it comes to intercourse leave her dissappointed.
Can anyone throw light on the way forward for us. Thanks
You can try a serotonin reuptake inhibitor like Prozac or Zoloft, one of the main "side effects" is delayed primary ejaculation delay.
Seeker, I am sure that Calle and others will have a lot to say that will help you. However, if I might share some experience in one issue you mentioned, as it might help.
You mentioned premature ejaculation, and that was a problem I had for a long time, and it was really Calle's books that solved it permanently...
It is mostly a mental thing, were you want to make it good for your wife, so there is a lot of pressure, and in turn makes you more self-conscious, and actually make it happen. Then you are frustrated, and your wife gets frustrated mostly because YOU are frustrated.
The first solution I had was to use desensitizing condoms, and they help, but she will not enjoy it... I found out that the product is present on both sides of the condom, so you are actually desensitizing her also. A second way of addressing the problem is to use two condoms, and they work as to lessening your sensitivity. In my case, since I had two accidents with punctured condoms (one of them resulting in unwanted pregnancy and miscarriage), it is also a safety measure my wife appreciates... And in this case you can use the desensitizing condom first, and a normal one on top of that, but be careful to roll the end of the normal one over the end of the desensitizing on. That way you guarantee that no product affects your wife.
But these are actually physical solutions to what is a mental problem. So, it is just a start.
What I found out is that if you focus your attention on your wife, if your are concentrated on connecting with her on every level, including verbally, then, as a side effect, you override the problem. The issue is related to the pressure of giving physical pleasure, when actually "making love" is an emotional thing for women. So, concentrate on the emotional side of it, and realize that the rest is unimportant. Once you do that, things naturally return to normal at the physical side.
Ram,
Thanks for the words of advice and encouragement. I must say that the PE issue has lessened dramatically over the last 6 months or so and even if I do release sooner than I expected or wanted to, she doesn't react poorly, and neither do I. I usually will think about it afterwards, though if only to remind myself to slow down next time and try to prolong the experience and not rush to the orgasm. I will say that of the concerns I listed above, the PE is now a relatively minor one. The main concern is how to manage the start of us getting intimate with each other without feeling the pressure or anxiety that goes along with that lately...
This may not be the greatest advice, and I normally do not recommend this tactic because in general its not healthy............BUUUUUUT,
When I had issues like this before it kind of turns into a tough chain to break. You are preparing yourself mentally for it to happen and create exactly what you fear.
The Solution? Well this is again not recommended and not the source of the problem, but if you can have a couple good experiences in row it might set you back on the right path.
If you're not an alcoholic and you drink on occassion, without overdoing it have a couple cocktails. Wine looks sophisticated like you're not trying to get drunk, just enjoying a glass of wine with dinner or after dinner. Now you may want to disregard this 100% but for me, I've had sexual anxiety before and thoughts of losing my erection and it kept on happening. Finally I just got a nice buzz and didn't care and had a good experience. Maybe one good experience would set you on the right track. And if you need a couple then do it again??????
this is novice advice and something that worked for me. Obviously its easy to say change your thought process but to do it is much harder. I'd personally focus hard on visualization - everytime during the day a negative thought comes to mind when visualizing being intimate with your wife, immeidately play a positive movie in your mind and hold it as long as you can. Most people can only consciously focus 17 seconds. try to make it to 60. Then the negative movies will only play 2-5 seconds and the positive one60 seconds. Eventually this will be impressed into your subconscious mind and become reality.
As jpmohave said, your solution might be on visualization. Maybe you should try to read again "Retrieve and Vivify the Good" and "Small versus Big" from the Marriage Turnaround Guidebook. When we are dealing with ourselves it is very easy to lose focus, so I found out that many times I was able to read without actually absorbing what is written.
I am thinking on a samurai exercise: a samurai would imagine every day several ways he could die and how he would act with honor, and that is how he conquers death, because he as dealt with it daily.
This mental training can be applied to the present situation, where you imagine the worst things that can happen, but you see yourself dealing perfectly with it. Your mind might feed you with pictures of insecurity, where you are doing the wrong things and, as it says in the Marriage Turnaround Guidebook, you detach yourself from those negative images, make them small, black-and-white and say "it is not me". Then, take the positive images of you acting manly and solving the issue, and make them big and in bright colors.
I would also recommend reading the segment 2 from How to Seduce your Wife for ideas on how to deal with frustrating situations regarding intimacy. I had an issue a few days ago and I asked for Calle's help, and he could just simply say: go read segment 2. Again, one thing is to read, another one is to absorb.
P.S. - I am afraid I did a poor job explaining myself above, because I am a novice in this area. My idea is that your "new skills" are particularly important when things go wrong. Your anxiety is related to situations that might go bad, so prepare yourself to deal exactly with those situations.
After all, it is easy to deal with a caring and loving wife, and not so easy to deal with an upset wife. So, I will ask you, who is the MAN? The one who deals with the easy part, or the one that deals with the hard part?
You know you will be fine once you reach a point where you see these exact situations as opportunities, instead of disappointments.
Here are my coaching notes that a man suffering from premature ejaculation can consider and explore:
1. Have you ever lasted a long time? If so, what was different about that time compared to all the others?
2. If someone wanted to have the problem of PE, how would you teach them to have it?
A) What fears would they have?
B) What would they feel guilty about?
C) How excited would they have to be? (How "wound up" or "tight"?)
D) In what ways would they need to feel inadequate or insufficient?
E) In what ways would they need to feel intimidated?
F) What would they need to feel uncomfortable about – and what thoughts would they need to have to create that uncomfortable feeling?
G) What would they need to think is being judged about them?
H) Who would they need to imagine is disapproving of them having sex?
I) How far back in time would they have to go to begin imagining having this PE problem – when would they start being afraid that they would have this problem?
J) Who and what would they need to imagine their wife being like (as opposed to who she really is)?
3. The Trouble Behind PE
* PE stems from a combination of sexual arousal and fear or guilt. So, let go of sexual fear, anxiety, and guilt.
> Go inside yourself and find the fear (or fears) of ejaculating too soon and release that fear.
> Find the fear and anxiety of not providing enough pleasure in your partner and release that fear (using love and acceptance – you have everything you need to satisfy a woman to the max.)
> Find the fear of being a disappointment and release that fear.
> Go back in time and find guilt about sexual behavior that causes you to rush the encounter to a conclusion (using love and acceptance)
> Go back to negative and bad experiences and mentally change them so that they are no longer a negative experience.
* PE is often a sign of INTENSE concern about being judged for your performance.
> What is YOUR emotional response to your wife? Does she intimidate you? Men who do NOT have PE problems don't get intimidated by a woman nor do they have concerns about their ability to satisfy her.
> Intimidation results in poor performance.
> Abolish all concern for what your woman thinks of you – especially when you go to make love.
> Develop a healthy and fearless belief system.
> Decide that your value level is equal to your wife's.
> Decide that your ability to satisfy your wife is just as good as your wife's ability to satisfy you.
* PE can be about not feeling safe or comfortable.
* Decide that you will no longer USE the endless cycle of worry >> PE >> self-loathing >> worry >> PE >> self-loathing ...
> REPLACE the worry with something better – use your imagination to create a VIVID mental-movie of a good sexual encounter – one where you really lasted – one where you lasted plenty long to satisfy your wife well. Keep playing that mental-movie over and over – and each time, try to make it more real, more vivid, more detailed. Imagine yourself performing supremely well again and again.
> This lets you think about yourself in a new way where it impacts your physiology in a good way.
> Abolish the expectation of failure. Abolish the thought pattern that reinforces the undesirable response of PE. Disrupt and interrupt the existing thought pattern and replace it with the vivid mental-movie that's more useful and constructive.
4. PE Solutions
* Commonly suggested cures include:
> Masturbating an appropriate amount of time before hand.
> Developing the PC muscle.
> Try to think about something else.
* A couple of better solutions are:
> Disassociate – become an observer. When you are a casual observer, you do not have the same level of emotional intensity that you do when you are a participant. So, mentally put yourself into an observer position where you are watching yourself make love with your wife. Practice doing this at other times like when you're playing with your kids and then move to more emotional situations like having a conversation with your boss at work. Once you've developed the ability to disassociate, you will find that the intense feelings that cause the PE will diminish significantly if not completely disappear.
> Spin your feelings in the opposite way. When you feel the concern and anxiety over PE, notice which way your feelings are spinning and the consciously and purposely spin them in the opposite direction.
* Use the method that works best for you.
5. Next steps
* Go back and analyze questions. Go back in time and discover where you first took on those beliefs or view-points and recognize that they are no longer useful to you and therefore, you now let them go and replace them with a more useful belief or view-point.
* Mentally go back to all the times when you imagined a sexual failure – even though you weren't with anyone – and "blow up" every one of those occurrences – like they do in cartoons, do that in your head – just blow them up until they are completely gone and there's nothing left. Especially go all the way back in time to BEFORE you were ever with a woman.
* In your mind, go back to all those times when you felt inferior to your woman and "blow up" those times and replace them with you and her being equal and you having more than enough masculine value.
* The objective in all of this is to identify and replace all of the non-useful thought processes you are automatically having right now with useful ones. It's about storing useful beliefs and view-points in your conscious and unconscious mind to you automatically have a good response whenever you need it.
I have been having a different problem of late. Things have been much better recently with the frequency of our sex. My wife has really been trying to satify my needs there. The thing is that I now am focusing much more on meeting her needs and helping her to reach orgasm. This is a good thing because I was very selfish in this area before and am now working to change that. The kicker is that now I am having trouble reaching orgasm myself. Never a problem for me before but I now seem to have some kind of mental block here. Really frustrating after all the effort to get here. Any thoughts?
funny how that works isn't it? I'm similar in that I need to know from the start if I plan to get it over quickly or not quickly.
However here is my advice - become a master at oral - giver her the O via Oral and have it in your mind you will get over quickly yourself. Then you don't have to get your lower unit ready for long term action then a quick mental change finish. That's tough.
For me I just give my wife the O during oral and get myself turned on from doing that so I can finish in 2-5 minutes of intercourse. She prefers this also so maybe all situations are different.
To no finsish early, a chinese techique is to flex as many muscles as you can and "PULL IN" with your bathroom muscles. In other words the muscle you use to stop yourself from peeing, pull in s hard as you can when you feel you are ready to ejaculate and it should stop the orgasm.
An orgasam on your part doesn't mean it over. Also there are lots of ways to get your wife off that doesn't lead to you getting off.
My wife, even early on when things were good was always slow getting to the first orgasam. Once there however, the next four or five were right around the corner. I learned quick to stay away from penetration untill at lest her first one. And there are lots of ways to get that first one. There's manual and oral just for starters. Manual can lead to G-Spot stimulation. The G-Spot is there and if you find it, well I promise you your wife will come right off the bed. Another thing, if you can hold off on the penertration untill after her first or even her second orgasam...They get stronger as they progress. There were lots of times before things started going sideways that my wife's orgasam would be so strong that she would literally squeeze me out.
God I miss the way things used to be!!
The best advice I could give you is to take your time, take care of her first and leave penertration as the last thing you do. Trust me....you take care of her first in every way, and she will take care of you.