Married And Happy Discussion Forum

Quote:Calle, what should a wife do when she's not in the mood for sex but her husband clearly is?

Given that you're asking this question, I assume that this is more than a one-time thing and that in fact, this is an ongoing problem where your husband wants sex and you do not. So, let me start with what a woman should NOT do:

* Pretend she is asleep
* Lie and say she's feeling ill
* Make up some "important" chore or task to divert her husband away from her
* Busy herself with something and claim she can't make time right now
* "Hide" behind children under the guise of "responsibility" or "care-giving"
* Claim you think your period is about to start
* Other dishonest techniques and maneuvers

First, nobody is ever fooled by dishonesty for very long. Second, dishonesty ALWAYS boomerangs back to harm the sender.

As it pertains to the subject at hand, when a woman repeatedly rejects a man's attempt at intimacy with a falsehood or pretense, a man feels disrespected, insulted, and dishonored.

Now, when a man feels these feelings, his personal "honor" will demand justice – and that means SOMETHING is going to happen.

In some cases, a man will put up with the dishonesty for a little while and then he'll simply end the marriage with divorce and move on to a more honest and receptive woman.

More frequently, especially if he has children, he knows the family-law "deck" is stacked against him and so he will simply let his woman continue in her dishonesty while he finds a woman "on the side".

Please understand...I'm NOT saying that two dishonesties make a right. I'm just telling you what generally happens.

My point is that honesty is always the best policy.

Here are much better ways to handle the scenario where you're NOT in the mood and your husband is:

1. If you absolutely do not want to have sex at this time, courteously and respectfully ask for a "rain-check" that's good for redeeming sometime tomorrow. By courteously and respectfully, I mean let your husband know that you love him, like him, and are attracted to him and that at this time, you are just "off". Let him know that you are pleased that his sexual interest is directed at you and that you want him to keep his interest on you and you want to be the person who satisfies him and you want him to be the person who satisfies you and that tomorrow (rain-check) you will be able to do that in a real and genuine way.

2. Let him know you aren't in the mood for sex, maybe other things on your mind have your focus at the moment and the interest in sex just isn't there for you or maybe, you simply don't have any energy at this time but that it's ok with you if he wants to enjoy your body in a "Quickie" that's just for him. (And, the next time the two of you are making love, you have the right to ask for multiple orgasms so that the "Big-O scorecard" stays balanced and fair.)

3. Let him know that if he wants sex, then you need him to romance and seduce you – that you need him to do the things that turn you on and cause you to want sex. Let him know that he can get you in the mood and fire up your desire if he will invest the time in connecting with you and loving foreplay. If he really wants sex, he'll be up to helping you get there too.

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Sometimes it is not what you say as much, but how you say it. If you make an ugly face and say we will do it tomorrow, then you should have just said no. If you do make a promise for a particular day, you better keep to it or let him know that morning, because he will look forward to it all day and then the rejection will be even more intense. What ticks me off is when I ask for sex and I get the “good grief” face. If a wife would just take a second to say “tell you what, I don’t really want to right now, but if you wait till tomorrow then I will make it worth your wait” with a little flirting. This might be a good opportunity to have him make the bed up for you. You better make good on the promise without the “good grief” face. For me, looking forward to it all day is better than thinking what if.
Calle is right about the cheating. I know some people that fell into that trap. If a man feels like he is not appreciated then when an opportunity presents itself he may stumble. There is no excuse for a guy that makes that decision, but it happens. I love my wife more than anything on this earth and I would rather have sex with her than be do anything else on this earth, but I have felt those demons. Only thing you can do is stay out of those situations. If this means taking your child with you or another man, never trust yourself. I don’t care who you are, never trust yourself.

I completely agree with Calle's words.

But how to deliver these words and this behaviour to a wife?

Regards,

Minotauro9

Calle, my wife has really fired up the passion & intimacy. Its been incredible. However, i am worried that she is doing it sometimes to just please me. I dont think that is a bad think either, because she loves me and loves taking care of me. Just like, sometimes i dont like cooking dinner, doing dishes, chores, etc...but i do them because i love her and want to take care of her.

Anyhow, my question is, how can i let my wife know that she can turn me down if she is not in the mood using your methods? I dont want sex to turn into a forced thing. Like you said, anything forced becomes rejected.

Thanks.

Jon,

I think Calle will help you a lot more than I, however there are two ideas I picked up.

First, you mention you "dont like cooking dinner, doing dishes, chores", and neither did I. BUT, I learned a very important thing from Tex that helped me a lot. He said: think on your house as YOUR house, and "what does MY house needs to be done?". Under this view, you do not "help up" doing the dishes, because they are YOUR dishes.

Second, in order to have a wife that is open regarding intimacy, the "trick" is to be open yourself. You lead by example. Therefore the answer to your question is simple: you talk with her, you explain how you feel, how she makes you feel, what is acceptable to you and what is not. Then you ask how she feels, how you make her feel, what is acceptable for her, and what is not.

I agree that you should not view cooking and cleaning as helping your wife out with her duties. They are family duties and someone in the family needs to do them. My wife does most of the laundry because I have a history of ruining clothes I do the dishes because my wife hates doing dishes more than anything else in the world. Apart from that, jobs get divided up according to who has the time and energy to do them at a given time. Usually the house gets cleaned during the week in small bursts here and there. However, if its been a bad week and there is still a lot of work to do when the weekend comes around I just announce that I am starting on a particular job and then go do it. I always start with the bathrooms. I like the bathroom to be clean. Sometimes I end up doing the bulk of the work, but usually my wife will join in and between us we get the house cleaned quickly.

The past couple of weeks I have done the bulk of the cooking because my wife is glued to the TV watching the Winter Olympics. I have joked with her that I am an Olympics Widower, however, I am not really upset. Its only two weeks and she is enjoying it so much that I don't want to spoil it by complaining. In fact, it has given me lots of oppurtunities to score points by taking care of her. The other day she was engrossed in an event and the kids were complaining that they were hungry. I heard my wife say "Go talk to your dad". I was miffed that she was dumping them off, but I was not doing anything important so I made them lunch. I then made lunch for my wife and delivered it to her in front of the TV. She said "Oh you are so sweet" and jumped up to give me a kiss before going back to watching the event.