Married And Happy Discussion Forum

Ladies,

In the long run, playing games in your relationship doesn't work FOR YOU.

Withholding intimacy from your husband doesn't work FOR YOU.

Using sex as leverage to get what you want or to control your husband doesn't work FOR YOU.

Being disrespectful to your husband doesn't work FOR YOU.

Being unaffectionate doesn't work FOR YOU.

If your husband is doing things in such a way that he's turning you off sexually, then BE DIRECT with him. Tell him what you need him to do for you in order to meet your needs and to be attractive to you sexually. And, don't back down until you have hammered the message through.

But, if he's more or less a good husband and you just don't have the time or interest to be sexual with him, then you should be aware of a story I hear frequently from men:

* My wife doesn't want to be intimate...
* She hasn't wanted to for years...
* I ALWAYS have to initiate...
* She acts like she's doing ME a favor when we do make love...
* She refuses to LET herself be sexual...
* I finally had all I could take...
* About X months ago, I hooked up with an old/new girlfriend...
* This lady I'm having an affair with LOVES sex...
* She's affectionate and treats me with respect, appreciation, and admiration...
* We have FUN together...
* Why should I try to "change" my wife? I have kids and a house with my wife and I have a LOVE AFFAIR with my girlfriend.
* I'd have rather had a love affair with my wife BUT SHE MADE HER CHOICE and now I've made mine.

Everybody else but the "Wife" knows what's really going on. They feel sorry for her. And, they understand why the guy is doing what he's doing.

They can't really say he's wrong because her wrong drove him to his wrong.

Sure, she is a good Mother. Probably, she's a good "roommate". But, she's a LOUSY LOVER. Who can blame him?

It's a bad situation that can EASILY be avoided. Be real. Be loving. Be respectful. Be affectionate. Be sexual. Be HAPPILY MARRIED.

>"They can't really say he's wrong, because her wrong drove him to his wrong."<

I will only believe this if he first INSISTED on professional marriage counseling for both of them. If she would not go, then he went himself. If she refuse to go when he goes, or co-operate after going, the right thing to do would be to seperate and wake her up to the seriousness of the situation. Then maybe she will relent to professional help and change. (But he would most likely be told to make changes too.)

If these steps were not taken first, then he can and should at least share the half of blame. He is the one who saw the seriousness of the problem. HE should have insisted on getting it fixed. Just insisting on sex will only get him "mercy sex" derived by her guilt. That is both of them playing games!!!

If he waited until he was TOO tempted, and had the affair before getting professional help, then it IS his fault too.

If a women is too tired for great sex in a great marriage, then he needs to insist she see a doctor for hormonal issues. If it is not hormonal, then it is the relationship. A great relationship generates its own sexual energy. Fix the relationship and the sex will happen.

If he did not do these things, then he was to lazy and/or too cheep to do what it takes work on his relationship. Having an affair is fun. The risk and newness creates an excitement. The couple having an affair doesn't need the emotional connection that his wife needs to make sex exciting. Without the emotional connection all he gets is what he calls "mercy sex," and he blames her. He doesn't like mercy sex, because he needs excitment too.

Ladies if you are not enjoying great sex in your marriage that you desire to initiate, then there is a GOOD reason. See a professional councilor and doctor and find out why. The same goes for the guys. It is not the person who doesn't want sex that is guilty. It is whoever doesn't seek professional help and is not willing to fix the relationship and work to make it a great one full of connection and excitement.