Married And Happy Discussion Forum

Some time back, my wife befriended a single mom with 4 children.

She is a super nice lady. She's smart, talented, and reasonably attractive.

Recently, this single mom confided in my wife that her ex-husband really was a wonderful man. He was a wonderful dad. He was a wonderful provider. He was great with the kids.

But, this woman UNWISELY chose to make two critical mistakes.

First, she admitted that she consistently withheld sex from her husband. She confessed that there wasn't really a good reason for it but it just wasn't that important to her so she just didn't want to give it to her husband.

She further confessed that she learned early on that she could use sex as a way to "control" her husband into giving her whatever she wanted and into letting her get her way in matters.

Second, she confided that she also was very controlling over the children and that she wouldn't "let" the dad be a dad in his own children's lives.

So, after 15 years of living like this, and thinking that she's on top of the world and in full control of her husband and children, she comes home one afternoon to find that all of her husbands belongings are gone and a note on the table saying that he and the "hot young secretary" from work are moving in together...in an entirely different state...and that she could enjoy her sexless, selfish attitude by herself and she could "control" the children by herself...and that he was "through" with her.

And he was gone, never to return.

Unfortunately, things are really tough for this lady now.

While she's away all day working at a job to support herself and the children, the children are turning into juvenile delinquents in spite of her best efforts.

But, more of a problem than their mom being gone all day is the fact that the children are old enough to know the real reason that dad is gone is BECAUSE of mom and they highly resent her for that.

Now, I've told this story to make this point:

Women, you ARE a multi-faceted being. There ARE multiple parts to who you are. It's YOUR responsibility to nurture and take care of EVERY part of who you are.

Some parts of you, it's EASY to ignore, to NOT take care of those parts. For example, it's EASY for a woman to fall into the trap of over-eating and under-exercising. But, there are severe consequences for making this choice, for NOT taking care of this part of you.

Similarly, it's easy to squelch and ignore that sexual part of who you are. Even though God made you to be a sexual being, you CAN shut that part of you down and not take care of that part of you.

You CAN habitually resist sexual thoughts and feelings until you TRAIN yourself to be non-sexual. You CAN let negative emotions derail your sexuality until it's just not important to you.

Or at least for the most part you can...and any time that sexual part of you won't stay "pushed down and away", well, you can "release" that through soap operas and romance novels so that you have NO need to express yourself sexually and physically with your man.

But, there WILL be severe consequences when you take this route.

Yes most husbands love their wife. Most husbands really love their children. But, sooner or later, a MAN will start "cracking" under the pressure of living in a sexless relationship and he will continue cracking until he breaks and when he breaks, he's gone.

In fact, this recently happened with my own uncle and aunt. They were married 30+ years. My aunt (by marriage) was way overweight and had been their entire marriage. My aunt was non-sexual. My aunt controlled the children.

For 30+ years, my uncle essentially kept himself drunk to escape from the unhappiness in his marriage. But, when he finally broke, he found himself a woman on the Internet, moved 1,500 miles away, and is now totally sober and enjoying life with a fun, loving, affectionate, and sexual woman – who incidentally was formerly married to a man who wasn't interested in being sexual with her...so yes, it does work both ways.

And now, my aunt lives a sad, lonely life.

Bottom line, the HAPPY AND BLESSED route is when you as a woman foster and nurture your sexuality. The good path is when you take time to LET yourself have sexual thoughts and feelings – just like you take time to exercise or feed yourself or any number of other things that you do to take care of yourself – and you SHARE that part of you with your man.

http://www.MarriedAndHappy.com/survey-for-women

Ladies, consider these verses from the Bible:

Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Proverbs 31:12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. (She knows that sex is good and she shares that with her husband at night)
Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

There IS a right way and a wrong way to do things. They both have their respective outcomes and results. And, it's ALWAYS a choice that each and every person gets to make of their own free-will.

I wanted to add a scripture that really speaks to me:
The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Prov. 14:1

If you, as a wife, lack sexual desire there can be a lot of reasons. One big reason women lack desire is the lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage. Romance nurtures that intimacy. Unfortunately, romance novels would have us believe that it is up to the man to create romance. During dating, they often do so instinctively. Once they are married they are on to their next conquest, usually their career in effort to provide for the family. There is nothing that says that you, the wife, can not be the one to nurture the romance and intimacy. It would be nice to do this together, but if he is not interested then this is where the wise woman builds their relationship.

Trade babysitting with a friend, or ask grandmas to help, at least once every two weeks. The two of you should have date nights that you plan. They don't have to break the budget. Plan the romance. Wear something feminine all day, and that night dress up like you are going out with him the first time. The two of you need to really enjoy yourselves. NO talking about the kids. Talk about the two of you. Where do you want to be a year from now? Set goals together. Keep things positive for that night.

If the addition of romance and emotional intimacy do not spark your fire, or you can not get him to participate, then seek counseling. Find a good marriage counselor and if necessary, see a christian sex therapist. Go alone if he wont go with you. Same with the date nights, go alone if he wont go with you. Not too many men will let even their heavy old wives leave the house alone all dressed up hungry for some romance. :-) If the councilor sees a need, he/she will have you see a doctor to test for hormonal causes to your lack of desire. There are things that can be done.

As I scan the boards, I see it is, most often, the women who try hard to save their marriages and are willing to devote the time and money on professional advice. They are the ones who drag the men along. Ask DR. Phil; it is usually the wives who buy the books and watch the shows. They see the ALL the problems and they want them fixed. The men just want to fix the sex. They don't see the other problems. They don't see the correlation of how it all works together. That is why what Calle has written in his books for husbands is important. It explains to men how women need their sexual-selves fed.

If there is any man who has left his wife and never sought to get them and her the help they needed, then he didn't really want to fix things. He just wanted the excuse. Women are every bit as sexual creatures as men. Find the problem and fix it.

1 Peter 5:8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Husband and wives are on the same side. If one of you need help with your libido, make sure they get the help. Don't let either of you be robbed of the marital gift of physical intimacy filled with joy and passion. Do not wait until you are on the brink of seperation.

There are Christan websites for couples, like Calle's and themarriagebed.com; and for women, Christian Nymphos. Start there, but if it is still needed, see a professional. And with this all, pray fervently.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's an enlightening experience for every housewife and all the woman out there to focus on things that really matter.
Being a wife means being submissive to your husband always. He should be the one who is in control of you and the one who manage your family as well.

I think men will naturally lead if he is not with an overbearing woman. But even then a strong knowledgeable man will confidently lead and guide the family for good.

However I was in a situation prior to taking Calle's programs where my wife was so assertive and personality strong that she acted like she wanted to lead. Out of laziness I decided to just sit back and let her do it. After all she acted like she wanted to. In the end I was taking advantage of her and she resented it.

I think its important for a woman to fulfill a mans sexual needs as often as he needs it, however it is equally important for the man to fulfill his wife's emotional needs for love, affection, conversation, and any other areas of support she needs. He must truly love her and respect her, believe in her and treat her with love, not just a submissive sex sock where he is selfish with his time then uses her for sex only. In my opinion.

The books on this site have helped my sex life get rejuvinated, but in all honesty as happy as I am from the rewards of my hard work, my wife is even more happy. She can allow herself to be orgasmic again and enjoy more of lifes beautiful experiences.

Hello all, sorry if this is in the wrong area.
My difficulty is tying to romance a woman whom is so shutdown and disconnected that she won't accept my invites of basic affection or a date night. The barrier is so thick that you couldn't cut it with a knife. I feel more alone living and sleeping beside this woman than before we met. It's been about four months of isolation and three since she stopped the physical contact. Luckily, I've become the perfect man now (for some other woman to scoop me up in an instant- her words, not mine) in the last few months, which I feel much better for. I'm not wanting sex from her right now, just mutual companionship. Our issues were really a surprise to me, I don't have affairs. I don't spend weekends away golfing. I don't drink and we didn't argue (this is how I felt that I was a good husband). The issues: I didn't clean house as much as i should. I didn't seem to appreciate what she did for me enough. I didn't interact with the kids enough. I didn't pay her enough attention. I spent too much time fixing my old cars, etc, etc. Now looking back, my wife gave way more than I did and tried very hard to fix things between us but instead of really telling me how she felt she just hinted and I failed to get the hints. So every thing was suppressed but she still continued to carry on being affectionate and sexual with me till it finally came to a head mid September. Now in mid December, she's avoiding me which is hard, we still sleep in the same bed, we go to work together at the same company and it seems she speaks more often to one of the owners of the company (whom happens to be one of my best friends of 25+yrs and I trust him) than me. The only thing that I have going for me is the support of her father. I had a very good talk with him two months ago and his advice stopped me from having a meltdown. He all so talked to her (he told me later and stood up for me like I was his son) I don't know what was said or how she reacted but she's still here.
Please forgive my long post, it just ended up this way, In Too Deep.

lets move this back to the mens forum. But reading this I wouldn't trust ANY guy who my wife talks to more then me. She is lost and attracted to that man. you know the words who will your wife be with after you? The guy she's talking to now.

If you don't have the ebooks n.Wife and more sexual marriage, I suggest you move quick. intentions don't get results, knowledge does.

Ok, thanks jpmohave.