Video Review: "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography"
This post is unlike any I've ever posted...this is highly unusual...this may invoke a pretty strong response in you...you may find this quite controversial...this brings things right down to the level of real life...husband, it's time for you to stand up for yourself...wife, it's time for you to get it right or you're out...see what you think about this...and I want your comments...
I recently watched the online video, "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" (http://www.afa.net/somebody/). While I certainly can appreciate the effort that was put into this video and the positive intention of the video, I must say that this video may well cause more harm and damage than good and defeat the very purpose for which it was intended.
There's a specific reason I say this...for the most part, porn addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. Let me explain...
As you probably guessed, the essence of the afore-mentioned video is that pornography destroys lives, marriages, and families. However, on behalf of HURTING and UNHAPPY men everywhere, I'm here to say that in general, pornography is NOT what destroys lives.
I'm here to say that pornography is merely a link in a chain of problems and there are PLENTY of links PRIOR to the pornography link and you CANNOT focus on just the pornography link and ignore those prior links and expect any level of success in marriage relationships.
I'm here to say that for the most part, pornography is merely an instrument men use to get their needs met. And, I'm here to specifically emphasize that if most men had a wife who was meeting those needs, AT THE LEVEL DEFINED BY THE BIBLE, these men would NOT be interested in porn.
Granted, they might have a passing curiosity but they wouldn't have a need or interest in spending untold hours hiding what they're really doing and segregating themselves away from their family and society.
I'm going to be so bold as to say that in the majority of cases, if a wife were to regularly make love with her husband with HALF or even a FOURTH of the energy that the women in porn exhibit, she'd find that her husband had ZERO interest in or desire to look at porn.
So, before we condemn and sentence to hell all these sinner men who are looking at porn, let's go deeper...
A study of the Bible will reveal to you that appropriate forms of erotica and sexual stimulus shared between a husband and wife is healthy for a marriage and that it is accepted by and approved of God within their marriage bed. You can study the Bible and decide what the definition of "appropriate" is – but that's not what I want to talk about here...
At the same time, a study of the Bible will also reveal that God is not pleased with LUST – which is a strong desire for something while being completely devoid of any love, honor, or respect for that something or the provider of that something – but that's not what I want to talk about either...
What I DO want to talk about is perhaps best dramatized in the first segment of the "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" video... It's 2 something in the morning, and a HORNY guy is laying in bed tossing and turning with his wife's back turned to him...and he finally gets up to sneak off and get RELEASE through porn.
Here's a key point: if that man had known how to invoke a strong desire in his wife for sex with him...such that they made strong love before they went to sleep...HE WOULD NOT be up in the middle of the night slipping off to watch porn -- HE'D BE SLEEPING LIKE A BABY!
But, because his needs have NOT been met, he can't sleep, he's up, and he's on the prowl.
Warning, I'm about to unload...
I AM FED UP with society's message that men are "bad" because they have a sex drive.
I AM FED UP with society's constant effort to BRAINWASH men into believing they should squelch, squash, or ignore their desire for sex and live like eunuchs (castrated men) whose SOLE purpose in life is to support their wife in whatever way she wants and to complete whatever tasks she happens to throw at them.
I AM FED UP with FOOLISH women who want to act like they've "met" their husband's needs by "pecking" a kiss on his cheek and cuddling on the couch with him in front of a TV for a few minutes – and fully expecting him to be happy and satisfied with nothing more than that.
I AM FED UP with women who subvert their own sexuality or re-channel it into romance novels or soap operas and play their stupid sex-withholding games on their husbands...
And then, when he moves to porn or an affair, she (and most of society) condemns him and acts like HE'S the one who did something wrong.
I grant you that two wrongs don't make a right but if you want to get right down to it...from a BIBLICAL perspective...SHE WAS DOING WRONG LONG BEFORE HE DID!
So, while we're condemning him, why don't we go ahead and condemn her too?
I have a very deep reverence and respect for God, and with that understanding, I don't care how "Godly" you are, if you stop eating food or drinking water, you WILL eventually die. We were made by God to PARTAKE of appropriate food and water for sustenance.
And, history has proven repeatedly that when people are placed in situations where food and water are withheld, they will eventually resort to all sorts of "immoral" and "ungodly" behavior – theft, killing, or cannibalism just to name a few.
Are you going to CONDEMN such people who found themselves in these terrible situations and used whatever means was available to them to get their basic needs met?
The fact is, God designed people to eat food and drink water and to withhold either is to go against God's design for life.
In like manner, men (and women) were made by God to EXPRESS their sexuality in an appropriate way and to attempt to deny that sexuality is to GO AGAINST GOD'S DESIGN of life.
Excepting the eunuchs that Jesus talked about in Matthew 19:12, if the average man attempts to DENY his God-given sexuality, he WILL sooner or later – just like with food – resort to "immoral" and "ungodly" behavior in order to get his needs met.
Now, here's why I'm saying this "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" video is dangerous...
Men everywhere can try to "get past" their "addiction" to pornography and it's only going to BACKFIRE on them.
Sure, I believe God is capable of spiritually touching men in such a way that they become eunuchs – but experience proves that rarely does God do something like this because it goes against His design of life.
The DANGER is that the pornography problem is only going to fester and get worse until each of these men is in a warm, loving, marriage relationship where HIS sexual needs are FULLY met by his wife.
Men have the need for physical sex -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
Men have the need for viewing a nude female body -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
Men have the need to see a female body enjoying sexual pleasure -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
And, UNTIL A MAN HAS A WIFE THAT MEETS EACH OF THESE NEEDS AT THAT MAN'S LEVEL OF DESIRE, HE WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BEING ATTRACTED TO AND SUCCUMBING TO PORN, OTHER WOMEN, OR EVEN AFFAIRS.
And, the more he tries to deny this, the more problems will pop up in other areas of his life – just like poking a balloon creates more pressure and stress in other parts of the balloon.
But, when a man has a wife that meets each of these needs at that man's level of desire, with very few exceptions, she'll have a man who is faithful and loyal to her.
Of course, many women in our society don't want to hear this sort of "blasphemy".
Many women want to "throw the Bible" at men and say it's "wrong" for them to look at porn...but, there's a whole other side that isn't Biblical either...come Judgment Day, what are women going to do with verses like this one:
"rejoice [make love] with the wife of thy youth. Let HER be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let HER BREASTS satisfy thee at ALL times; and BE THOU RAVISHED ALWAYS WITH HER LOVE." Proverbs 5:18-19
It's kind of hard for this to happen if all a husband hears is "No!" every time he initiates a sexual advance towards his wife, don't you think?
Or, what about this verse: "A bundle of myrrh is my WELLBELOVED unto me; HE SHALL LIE ALL NIGHT BETWIXT MY BREASTS." Song of Solomon 1:13
Really think about that...a normal husband is NOT interested in trading off the reality of his wife's readily available breasts for inaccessible ones in a picture or movie. At the same time, he WILL be interested in the pictures and movies if his wife's breasts are inaccessible to him.
Plus, if you want to get all technical about it, the Bible tells us, "For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." 1 Corinthians 11:8-9
Or what about the scripture that commands men and women to NOT withhold sex from each other; "Defraud ye not one the other" 1 Corinthians 7:5
Now, there's always a flip side; let me tell you about the "Bible" that women whose husband's DO NOT have a problem with porn live by:
"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among [my] lilies." Song of Solomon 2:16
"I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me." Song of Solomon 7:10
"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth" Song of Solomon 3:1
Do you see how DIFFERENT the mindset of this kind of woman is compared to the stereotypical woman?
"She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night." Proverbs 31:18
The wife whose husband does NOT have an interest in porn REALIZES that God has blessed her with the "goods" and consequently, she leaves the lamp on beside her bed and she shares those "goods" with her husband – and she can be confident that he's NOT nearly as interested in porn as he is in HER!
But, for the rest of the women, I can ACCURATELY predict EXACTLY what's going to happen... AFTER their husband is gone...well, here's some scripture for that too...
"I rose up to open to my beloved (she was closed to him before); and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock. I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer." Song of Solomon 5:5-6
So, here's the message to women...
If your husband has a problem with porn, you need to go take a long, long look in the mirror, you need to do some deep soul-searching because the odds are real, real high that YOU are the reason why he has such a problem in the first place.
And then, you should profusely thank God that you have a husband that's a good enough man that he is ONLY getting his needs met through porn instead of with some other woman.
But, if you want, you and your lady friends can keep joking amongst yourselves about all your sex-prevention strategies and tactics...and here's what you better realize...
"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
And to all you men,
PUT AN END TO ALL OF THIS NONSENSE AND BECOME THE KIND OF MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO CREATE A DESIRE IN YOUR WIFE FOR SEX WITH YOU!
That way, you can HAVE THE REAL DEAL.
There really are men who know how to invoke desire in their wife for sex with them and these men have no interest in porn because what they have with their wife is far, far, far better than anything they could see in a picture or movie – I know because I've become one of these men – and you can become one of them too by getting the resources that are here: www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog
Now, what do you have to say about all this? Comment on your thoughts now...
Copyright 2009, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article as is and unchanged ONLY if a resource box pointing to www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog is included with it.
I recently watched the online video, "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" (http://www.afa.net/somebody/). While I certainly can appreciate the effort that was put into this video and the positive intention of the video, I must say that this video may well cause more harm and damage than good and defeat the very purpose for which it was intended.
There's a specific reason I say this...for the most part, porn addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. Let me explain...
As you probably guessed, the essence of the afore-mentioned video is that pornography destroys lives, marriages, and families. However, on behalf of HURTING and UNHAPPY men everywhere, I'm here to say that in general, pornography is NOT what destroys lives.
I'm here to say that pornography is merely a link in a chain of problems and there are PLENTY of links PRIOR to the pornography link and you CANNOT focus on just the pornography link and ignore those prior links and expect any level of success in marriage relationships.
I'm here to say that for the most part, pornography is merely an instrument men use to get their needs met. And, I'm here to specifically emphasize that if most men had a wife who was meeting those needs, AT THE LEVEL DEFINED BY THE BIBLE, these men would NOT be interested in porn.
Granted, they might have a passing curiosity but they wouldn't have a need or interest in spending untold hours hiding what they're really doing and segregating themselves away from their family and society.
I'm going to be so bold as to say that in the majority of cases, if a wife were to regularly make love with her husband with HALF or even a FOURTH of the energy that the women in porn exhibit, she'd find that her husband had ZERO interest in or desire to look at porn.
So, before we condemn and sentence to hell all these sinner men who are looking at porn, let's go deeper...
A study of the Bible will reveal to you that appropriate forms of erotica and sexual stimulus shared between a husband and wife is healthy for a marriage and that it is accepted by and approved of God within their marriage bed. You can study the Bible and decide what the definition of "appropriate" is – but that's not what I want to talk about here...
At the same time, a study of the Bible will also reveal that God is not pleased with LUST – which is a strong desire for something while being completely devoid of any love, honor, or respect for that something or the provider of that something – but that's not what I want to talk about either...
What I DO want to talk about is perhaps best dramatized in the first segment of the "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" video... It's 2 something in the morning, and a HORNY guy is laying in bed tossing and turning with his wife's back turned to him...and he finally gets up to sneak off and get RELEASE through porn.
Here's a key point: if that man had known how to invoke a strong desire in his wife for sex with him...such that they made strong love before they went to sleep...HE WOULD NOT be up in the middle of the night slipping off to watch porn -- HE'D BE SLEEPING LIKE A BABY!
But, because his needs have NOT been met, he can't sleep, he's up, and he's on the prowl.
Warning, I'm about to unload...
I AM FED UP with society's message that men are "bad" because they have a sex drive.
I AM FED UP with society's constant effort to BRAINWASH men into believing they should squelch, squash, or ignore their desire for sex and live like eunuchs (castrated men) whose SOLE purpose in life is to support their wife in whatever way she wants and to complete whatever tasks she happens to throw at them.
I AM FED UP with FOOLISH women who want to act like they've "met" their husband's needs by "pecking" a kiss on his cheek and cuddling on the couch with him in front of a TV for a few minutes – and fully expecting him to be happy and satisfied with nothing more than that.
I AM FED UP with women who subvert their own sexuality or re-channel it into romance novels or soap operas and play their stupid sex-withholding games on their husbands...
And then, when he moves to porn or an affair, she (and most of society) condemns him and acts like HE'S the one who did something wrong.
I grant you that two wrongs don't make a right but if you want to get right down to it...from a BIBLICAL perspective...SHE WAS DOING WRONG LONG BEFORE HE DID!
So, while we're condemning him, why don't we go ahead and condemn her too?
I have a very deep reverence and respect for God, and with that understanding, I don't care how "Godly" you are, if you stop eating food or drinking water, you WILL eventually die. We were made by God to PARTAKE of appropriate food and water for sustenance.
And, history has proven repeatedly that when people are placed in situations where food and water are withheld, they will eventually resort to all sorts of "immoral" and "ungodly" behavior – theft, killing, or cannibalism just to name a few.
Are you going to CONDEMN such people who found themselves in these terrible situations and used whatever means was available to them to get their basic needs met?
The fact is, God designed people to eat food and drink water and to withhold either is to go against God's design for life.
In like manner, men (and women) were made by God to EXPRESS their sexuality in an appropriate way and to attempt to deny that sexuality is to GO AGAINST GOD'S DESIGN of life.
Excepting the eunuchs that Jesus talked about in Matthew 19:12, if the average man attempts to DENY his God-given sexuality, he WILL sooner or later – just like with food – resort to "immoral" and "ungodly" behavior in order to get his needs met.
Now, here's why I'm saying this "Somebody's Daughter: Pornography" video is dangerous...
Men everywhere can try to "get past" their "addiction" to pornography and it's only going to BACKFIRE on them.
Sure, I believe God is capable of spiritually touching men in such a way that they become eunuchs – but experience proves that rarely does God do something like this because it goes against His design of life.
The DANGER is that the pornography problem is only going to fester and get worse until each of these men is in a warm, loving, marriage relationship where HIS sexual needs are FULLY met by his wife.
Men have the need for physical sex -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
Men have the need for viewing a nude female body -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
Men have the need to see a female body enjoying sexual pleasure -- that's why God provided for every man to have his own wife.
And, UNTIL A MAN HAS A WIFE THAT MEETS EACH OF THESE NEEDS AT THAT MAN'S LEVEL OF DESIRE, HE WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BEING ATTRACTED TO AND SUCCUMBING TO PORN, OTHER WOMEN, OR EVEN AFFAIRS.
And, the more he tries to deny this, the more problems will pop up in other areas of his life – just like poking a balloon creates more pressure and stress in other parts of the balloon.
But, when a man has a wife that meets each of these needs at that man's level of desire, with very few exceptions, she'll have a man who is faithful and loyal to her.
Of course, many women in our society don't want to hear this sort of "blasphemy".
Many women want to "throw the Bible" at men and say it's "wrong" for them to look at porn...but, there's a whole other side that isn't Biblical either...come Judgment Day, what are women going to do with verses like this one:
"rejoice [make love] with the wife of thy youth. Let HER be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let HER BREASTS satisfy thee at ALL times; and BE THOU RAVISHED ALWAYS WITH HER LOVE." Proverbs 5:18-19
It's kind of hard for this to happen if all a husband hears is "No!" every time he initiates a sexual advance towards his wife, don't you think?
Or, what about this verse: "A bundle of myrrh is my WELLBELOVED unto me; HE SHALL LIE ALL NIGHT BETWIXT MY BREASTS." Song of Solomon 1:13
Really think about that...a normal husband is NOT interested in trading off the reality of his wife's readily available breasts for inaccessible ones in a picture or movie. At the same time, he WILL be interested in the pictures and movies if his wife's breasts are inaccessible to him.
Plus, if you want to get all technical about it, the Bible tells us, "For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." 1 Corinthians 11:8-9
Or what about the scripture that commands men and women to NOT withhold sex from each other; "Defraud ye not one the other" 1 Corinthians 7:5
Now, there's always a flip side; let me tell you about the "Bible" that women whose husband's DO NOT have a problem with porn live by:
"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among [my] lilies." Song of Solomon 2:16
"I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me." Song of Solomon 7:10
"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth" Song of Solomon 3:1
Do you see how DIFFERENT the mindset of this kind of woman is compared to the stereotypical woman?
"She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night." Proverbs 31:18
The wife whose husband does NOT have an interest in porn REALIZES that God has blessed her with the "goods" and consequently, she leaves the lamp on beside her bed and she shares those "goods" with her husband – and she can be confident that he's NOT nearly as interested in porn as he is in HER!
But, for the rest of the women, I can ACCURATELY predict EXACTLY what's going to happen... AFTER their husband is gone...well, here's some scripture for that too...
"I rose up to open to my beloved (she was closed to him before); and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock. I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer." Song of Solomon 5:5-6
So, here's the message to women...
If your husband has a problem with porn, you need to go take a long, long look in the mirror, you need to do some deep soul-searching because the odds are real, real high that YOU are the reason why he has such a problem in the first place.
And then, you should profusely thank God that you have a husband that's a good enough man that he is ONLY getting his needs met through porn instead of with some other woman.
But, if you want, you and your lady friends can keep joking amongst yourselves about all your sex-prevention strategies and tactics...and here's what you better realize...
"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
And to all you men,
PUT AN END TO ALL OF THIS NONSENSE AND BECOME THE KIND OF MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO CREATE A DESIRE IN YOUR WIFE FOR SEX WITH YOU!
That way, you can HAVE THE REAL DEAL.
There really are men who know how to invoke desire in their wife for sex with them and these men have no interest in porn because what they have with their wife is far, far, far better than anything they could see in a picture or movie – I know because I've become one of these men – and you can become one of them too by getting the resources that are here: www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog
Now, what do you have to say about all this? Comment on your thoughts now...
Copyright 2009, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article as is and unchanged ONLY if a resource box pointing to www.MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog is included with it.
Labels: AllArticles
posted by Calle Zorro at
2:13 PM
11 Comments:
Wow. You certainly think it is all a woman fault. I was almost driven to suicide because nothing I did was ever good enough for my husband sexually. Sex 2x a day, BJ, toys, you name it. Then it was your too fat, your too thin, boobs , hair, clothes, makeup undies, you name it. It was always my fault. Thats why he looked at porn, went to nuddy bars, and last of all, looked & flirted with other women because " I let myself go". Everything you wrote he used. My Christmas was ruined because he went to bars, he was never there in a time of need for me and the kids. We still had sex however and whenever he wanted it, sometimes making me feel as if I had been violated. I went to go see a Dr. to see what was wrong with me, why was I crying , why could I look at myself in the mirror and think I look good, but to HIM I didn't. Other men would talk to me and I would not know what to do, my self esteem was gone. All because I was not the fantasy girl, or on a porn site. I saw some of things he would watch and wonder how could anyone find "giving birth" to a beer can be a turn on? I'll tell you why, he needed more obscure things becuase he had raised his resistance. I was the one left with out sex for days. All because he had other outlets, but worse he had left me emotionally. I was left wondering "what did I do wrong". "what is wrong with me?" So for my own defense I stopped anything that might cause hurt. I stopped going out with him, dressing up for him, trying to care about him. So if you find yourself with a woman who no longer wants you, find out why. All women want to be loved, cherished and know that they are the one. If a woman pulls away, its more often than not because of a men. If you want someone to blame, try blaming the industry.
In response to the previous... The old adage, "it takes two to tango" is ALWAYS true. And, if you were to read other posts on this Blog, you'd find that most of the time, I'm challenging men to step up and be better husband to their wife.
Now, based on what you say above, your situation does NOT represent the average experience. Yes, you are absolutely right; there are men (just as there are women) who are absolutely despicable in that their whole focus in life is pursuit of some new and more exotic sexual thrill and they don't care who they hurt in the process.
These are people (and thankfully, they ARE definitely a minority) who just want a new sex partner and as soon as they have one, they're off looking for an even more perverted sexual experience – it's like they are seeking the ultimate sexual thrill or orgasm – and all they are really doing is wrecking their own and other people's lives.
My heart goes out to you and anyone else who has went through or who is in a relationship with someone like this – and I really mean that because my wife was previously married to exactly the kind of man you're describing – and yes, she too reached a point to where she had a pistol pointed at her head and she was ready to blow her head off. But thankfully, God's amazing grace intervened and helped her understand that this vile man wasn't worth dying for and she moved on without him.
And, as it pertains to you, the part that really bites is that I have no doubt you were the best and hottest lady your (ex?) husband could have possibly had – and the darkness in his own soul blinded him to the beauty that he could have had with you.
But again, your experience is NOT the mainstream situation. The good news is that experience has shown me that the majority of people who come out of a situation like this end up with a wonderful companion and a relationship that's filled with so much joy that the sorrow and heartbreak of the former is nothing more than a faint memory. I trust it will be or is that way for you now.
-- Calle
To the anonymous first poster, I was that man that you described. My wife was very liberal in the bedroom, our sex life never suffered but yet I was constantly driven outside the home to satisfy a need. We (or I) no longer have this problem and it took five years and alot of pain to understand. During all of that time, no matter how great the sex was, I never felt LOVED. This will sound absolutely crazy to a woman but remember that our brains work backward from yours. It wasn't until several years into our marriage that (after much effort on both our parts) she finally gave herself to me emotionally and fully loved me, respected me, honored me, and VALIDATED me.
Let me ask you this do you feel that you treated him in such a way that he knew without a doubt that you thought of him as the greatest man that god ever made? It sounds like a narcissistic or selfish thing to desire such affirmation, but know that for a man most of his feeling of self worth is wrapped up in the feeling that he provides completely for his family.
Wow. Calle, that was an incredibly powerful post. Read without the perspective of your entire blog, it most certainly will provoke hurt and anger in many women.
But the message is too important and valuable for women NOT to hear. Of course like in #1 Anonymous's situation, there are cases where it is soley the man's perverted issue and there is nothing she has done to cause it or can do to fix it, but as always in a relationship where there is a problem we each must ask ourselves first "what have I done to promote this problem and how can I change it."
If women get honest with themselves many will realize they are married to wonderful men who are hurting deeply because they are ignored sexually. His need for the love, acceptance and respect that sex brings him does not go away because a wife has decided it's no longer important or necessary.
oh, please, calle. I left my first husband because he preferred jacking off to porn over sex with me. When we did have sex, it was pure mechanical misery.
I was twenty, trim, toned, and blonde, and begging for him to come to bed.
I hope he and his "cheergirls" are very happy together. Because I'm very happy with my current husband, who doesn't sully our relationship in this way.
And to any single girls reading this, don't marry a man who's into porn.
If you suspect he has a problem before the wedding, don't assume it will clear up once the papers are signed and you have regular marital access to each other.
Some boys never grow up.
Anyway, the sheer volume and novelty of what's available on the internet has got to dwarf anything that was available in Biblical times.
Does it turn me on to my new husband when he flicks on the "adult" channel ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT?
No, in fact, it does not.
Lots of men have a big, big problem with porn that is not the fault of the women in their lives.
Yes, a foolish woman who keeps a cold house is plucking it down with her own hands...
but a man who clutches a coal to his own bosom is not addressed tenderly by the Psalmist, either.
If you think porn is wonderful and holy, try asking God for a blessing over your jack-off session.
"Dearest Heavenly Father, we thank you this day for these cream-pie eaters and raise them up for the release of our testicular pressure and the stimulation of our genital nerve endings.
May these barely-legal teens provide us with a sense of manly approbation and allow us to see ourselves as we imagine we are-- Big Dogs for Christ.
In your name we pray, Amen."
Yes, it's certainly true that there are always exceptions and counter-examples.
Ever great once in a while, I encounter a marriage where the man behaves in a way that indicates he prefers masturbation over love-making with his wife. And, in each case I've encountered this, I've found that at the root of the problem was a well-hidden morph of an inferiority complex, strong insecurity, and low self-esteem.
In other words, in the man's mind, he WANTED to make love with his wife, it's what he would have PREFERRED to do, BUT, it was "safer" to masturbate than to make love because in masturbation, there was no judging, no evaluation, no performance measurement, or risk of "falling short" or being inadequate. There was only simple pleasure.
The result is that it appeared to the woman that her husband preferred masturbation.
People always have a reason why they're behaving the way they do – and these behaviors often seem bizarre or even repulsive to those of us who have a better, more mature, more realistic viewpoint and take on the world.
As a humorous example, I remember back when I was in middle-school, I was riding the bus home one afternoon when the bus stopped...and we stayed stopped...and of course, everybody wanted to know, "What's going on?"
Well, come to find out, a grade-school boy had to "pee" and he was up at the front of the bus peeing out the door onto the side of the road. I found that pretty funny but I was also curious...
So, I started asking the boy some questions...and it turned out that he had needed to go to the bathroom for the entire last hour of school but he was too "bashful" and "embarrassed" to ask his teacher for permission to go to the bathroom during class but then he stopped an entire bus full of kids looking on while he peed out the side of the door.
Obviously, most people would rather ask to be excused to the bathroom than to have a bus-load of people watch them pee. But for this boy, it was more "painful" to ask his teacher in front of all the boys and girls in his class than it was to pee in front of a bunch of kids that weren't his friends.
Weird but true.
I retreated into porn within a long term marriage when we were having problems. Both of us were to blame to some extent but it was I who had to take action. We went to marriage counselling over it. When the counsellor seemed to be encouraging us to split it really forced me to look at things and to start my transformation. My first step was to call a halt to the counselling and spend the money instead on regular dates. I gave up porn and took up masculine activities such as indoor rock climbing. I studied sites such as this one and also ones dealing with "nice guy" syndrome. There is a lot of good concepts on this site; thank you Calle. I also studied David Shade's material. I also saw a doctor and was helped a lot with Viagra. Performance anxiety was an issue which the Viagra solved. Now we have regular hot sex and it is SO much better than porn. I keep being imaginative in the bedroom and take risks to try new things. I stay being "the man" in the relationship while fully respecting and appreciating the strong, smart and independant woman she is. It is amazing how women's sexuality opens up when you have the courage to be dominant in bed. Just read a romance novel to see how women want to be ravaged in the bedroom, while being a totally equal partner out of the bedroom. All her friends are terribly jealous and sometimes look like they'd like ME to take them. But I'm a one woman man. Life and our relationship is great and I am so glad the days of porn are over.
Calle -
Wow! Thanks for the link to your article. Such Passion!!!
I agree that it takes "Two to Tango" It has taken me really figuring out what my marriage means, and that it is THE MOST IMPORTANT relationship in my life to help push porn out of the limelight.
I began with porn as a pre-teen, so most of my problems were self inflicted wounds..dating from before my marriage.
Yet, You have a great point, and I look forward to reading the rest of your site!!
TMB
What your post completely ignores is the fact that many, MANY (I would even dare to say MOST) men are introduced to and engage in pornography long before they are ever married! The women they marry are often not aware of this pornography addiction.
These men enter into the marriage convenant with predisposed and erroneous ideas of what sex within marriage will be like. When their wives cannot live up to the porn fantasy they have in their heads, the problems begin and are extrememly difficult to overcome.
Please understand that I am a big believer in the Biblical command that husbands and wives should fulfill each other so that they won't stumble. However, I think that when men come into marriage with expectations that have been set so high by porn use, their wives have no chance to ever be able to compete with that.
We need to be more vigilant to teach and guide our young boys/young men to AVOID porn at all costs so that they don't take those pre-conceived ideas into their marriage beds. It is very difficult in today's society where young men are bombarded on a daily basis with commercials, ads, and sexually explicit music to do this. But I think it would lead to much healthier marriages in the long run.
This is an interesting post. I can understand objections made in previous comments- the situation is not always entirely the wife's fault.
Whoever said "it takes two to tango" is absolutely correct.
I definitely agree that we (women) are often too quick to try to lay all the blame on our husbands. In my own case, I knew that our situation was like what you talked about here, but there didn't seem to be much I could do about it. Between me having severe Depression, taking libido-lowering antidepressants, and for large periods of time being either pregnant and horribly sick or completely exhausted, my husband wasn't getting what he needed. He tried to be understanding, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't want sex, and when I "gave in" it was often physically painful. I knew my husband was looking at porn, and I didn't mind- if I couldn't give him what he needed, he needed some kind of release. I'm glad he didn't have an affair, but if he had, I would have admitted my own blame in that, too (without letting him completely off the hook- men aren't animals who "just can't control themselves").
The good news is that things are better now. The kids are older, I'm getting more rest (and NOT getting pregnant again), my Depression is under control and I'm on a medication that doesn't have those horrible side-effects. I know my husband still looks at porn when I'm not available to him, but as things improve and he's learning that he's not facing a "dry spell", he needs it less. We've just started a challenge to make love every day for a month, and I've asked him to give it up completely during that time- we'll see how it goes, but he's agreed it's a good idea.
Sorry for the long comment- just one more thing. I consider myself extremely lucky that my husband really was just looking at porn to make up for what he wanted with me but couldn't have- he has tended in the past to look for images of women who look like me... kind of a weird compliment, but I'm glad he never got into looking for the next biggest/weirdest thrill. If that was the case, it would be infinitely harder for us to work through this, as there's no way I could measure up to his new "standards". Trying to be everything our husbands need, according to the Bible, works well if they don't already need the things we can't provide. Unfortunately with porn, once you start (as someone said, often long before marriage), it's a slippery slope from bare breasts to licking toilet seats and gang rape- things God never meant for us to provide.
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