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My Wife Has Lost Her Desire for Sex and Intimacy: A Story for Men…

It usually goes something like this…

They meet and start dating in high-school – or in some cases, in college. After graduation, they marry.

She goes to work in a lower-end job – something like teaching – which she enjoys to some extent – but it isn’t her “everything”.

He, enters into some kind of mid-range job – and the “potential” of a great career looms clearly before him.

And of course, he has his hobbies and the things he does with his friends…golf, motorcycles, fishing, racing, and so on.

Along the way, children come along – along with the corresponding bigger cars, house, etc.

In the morning, as he leaves for work, the man kisses his wife goodbye and when he gets home, he hugs her and tells her he deeply loves her.

Time speeds by…

Occasionally, the wife complains to her husband that she feels like her and the children are taking a back seat to his work and hobbies. And, for a time, he’ll “cut back” – just long enough for the “storm” to “blow over” and then he’s back to “life as usual”.

Besides, the man knows that he loves his wife and children and so he doesn’t feel that his wife’s concerns are justifiable.

More time speeds by…

And, what with all of his work and hobbies, it’s hard for the man to find enough time to be able to devote any significant time to his marriage relationship.

Every so often, another “storm” blows up…

The wife gets depressed.

She goes through emotional “hard times” for no apparent reason.

But, they talk and the wife tells the husband that she doesn’t feel like she’s a priority to him – although she readily admits that he is a good husband and father. Not only that, she tells him that she understands how important his career is and how important it is for him to continue “climbing the ladder of success”.

And so after talking, the storm seems to blow over and everything appears to be ok…

And since by his wife’s own admission, the man is a “good” husband and father, he just continues on with life as he knows it – work and hobbies, work and hobbies, work and hobbies.

Then five, sometimes ten, oftentimes fifteen or twenty years later, the woman “surprises” the husband with the “news” that she no longer loves him and that she wants out of the marriage.

It’s usually at that point that the husband is awakened to the fact for all of this time, he has been a priority to his wife while she has NOT been a priority to him and that she “cohabitated” in that lonely existence for as long as she possibly could – and now she doesn’t even want the marriage – let alone want the marriage to work.

The husband foolishly and mistakenly assumed that his wife would just always love him – without any maintenance or effort on his part – as he enjoyed life doing his own thing.

And now, more than anything, the husband wants the marriage to work out…and she doesn’t…

For too long, HE has put HIMSELF first…and SHE too has put him and the children first…

For too long, HE has done whatever he wanted to make himself happy…and SHE too has done whatever it took to make him happy…

For too long, the wife has put herself aside as she tries to make sure her husband got the things he wanted.

For too long, the wife has supported the man in his happiness and success. On the other hand, the man has given little to no support to his wife for her happiness and success.

Through the years, the wife would occasionally attempt to engage in something she was interested in – and she would quickly run into the “dark cloud” of the man’s displeasure for having to watch the kids or sacrifice his own interests and needs – and so, she would once again, set her needs and interests aside.

She suppressed “herself” and that lack of “expression” began to build – building like toxins and waste in an unhealthy body…

Now, she has reached the point where she is so emotionally shut down that short of a Divine miracle, the relationship is beyond repair.

The fact is, the wife is done with the man and his selfishness.

Ironically, now that the man realizes he is losing her, he wants nothing but his wife.

Now, the husband wants his wife to “communicate” her feelings.

Now, he wants her to “talk about” her needs and interests.

Now, she’s not interested.

Why should she be?

For all those years prior, HE wasn’t interested in really listening to and attending to her emotions, desires, and needs!

He was only interested in “listening” just long enough for her to shut up, get over her emotional spell (or as he really felt, her emotional weakness), and leave him alone so he could go on doing his own thing.

Why should she now believe that he cares about her feelings, desires, and needs?

Why should she now believe that he will actually make a permanent change – one where she is a priority in his life?

After all, his mode of operation for the entire marriage has been to “gloss” over her feelings, desires, and needs.

So, why should she put herself in a vulnerable position again?

Why should she go back into a position where her feelings get crushed all over again?

After all, his attitude was always one of, “This will all blow over. She’ll get over it.”

It was her unattended feelings, desires, and needs that caused all those “storms to blow up” through the years and every time, after the “clouds” cleared away, he was his same old unchanged self.

And each time this happened, the man unknowingly twisted an invisible dagger deeper and deeper into the woman’s heart that left HER feeling number than the time before.

Until finally, as it pertains to this man, her heart is “dead”. She’s “stone cold”. Her love is gone…her heart is gone…she’s gone.

There is ZERO desire in her heart to “try” anymore.

She has ZERO interest in “cohabitating” with a “kid” in a man’s body who gets all the toys and has all the fun while she sits on the sidelines lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled.

In fact, she has ZERO tolerance for even one more hour of being alone while her supposed-to-be-husband is off “making the boss happy” or “doing his weekend thing with his buddies”.
Of course, there were “signs” all along the way…

But, in all of his “rambunctious energy”, the man blew right past them and ignored them…

At least, most of them…

One of them was kind of hard for him to ignore…

The affection, intimacy, and sex became less and less frequent.

Early on in their marriage, it was a common thing for the man to hold her or to touch her hair or to kiss her and even to initiate sex – and she always responded and reciprocated.

But, as time went on, he still did these things but she slowly stopped responding and reciprocating.

Unfortunately, as her needs continued to go unnoticed and unmet, he “barreled on down the road” – turning to the comfort and enjoyment found in his work, career, friends, and hobbies.

Sadly, when they talk now, it’s through attorneys.

What about YOUR marriage?
My hope is that things aren’t quite this far gone for you yet. My hope is that there’s still a chance you can turn things for the better in your marriage.

Copyright 2008, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if a resource box pointing to http://www.marriedandhappy.com/ is included with it.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

while i do agree while aspects of this, this is the most one-sided article i have read in a while. this may be YOUR experience and YOUR life it is not at all a common occurance. i love my wife very much and because i love her she and us come way before me. i strongly believe if you are truely in love this is something that happens without a second thought. i also strongly believe people are a product of their environment and more so, tend to create the environment around them. if you truely were in love a mistake or decline in the relationship is both peoples fault. the idea of marriage is becoming one. to no longer be you and him, you them become we and us. the fact that the divorce rate is higher now then ever is solid proof that it is not respected and the concept of we is lost. i have never seen an issue in any relationship that is solely the fault of one. take responsibility for your actions. from what i read i see you running a very tired poor me routine and you placing yourself on a faultless pedistole. i am not saying what he did was right or that he is not mostly to blame. what im saying is that if you want something go out and get it. if you were not submissive in your actions from what looks like the start and stood for your needs and wants, you might have seen a whole different scenario. yes, because of your strength in being yourself and voicing your needs and opinions and independence, you may have not marries in the first place but you would sure sleep better at night knowing you stayed true to yourself and may have even married into a better situation. i do not know everything about what happened to you . if everything is exactly as you say, then that man deserves to live a very lonely life and i am sorry from the bottom of my heart for what you experienced. i do challenge you to look at it from a different perspective and remember the greatest thing people have fought, died, and lived for. the best unalienable right every human has, the power of free will and freedom. a can promise you, if you are in a relationship where true love exsists, it takes one time of saying this happened, this is how i feel, if this continues i cannot continue to devote time and energy to someone who would do this to me. if my wife told me that it would be the quickest change ever recorded. there is always a compromise, however when it is something that is that harmful, change is needed. it's very unhealthy to exsist in that environment for that long. chances are he started walking on you from the start. back then it was just small things though. over the course of time he just kept taking that inch and learned you just let him so, as is human nature, he kept pushing. my advice to you is learn how to make yourself happy before you try to devote yourself to making a relationship work. establish your boundries. and for the love of god quit letting peoplle walk on you. if you can do that, the concept of we and us is much easier. you both know where you stand and you both can make eachother happy instead of bending over and bowing down to sacrifice your soul just to give it to someone who doesnt and wont do the same for you. learn the concept of BALANCE my dear. well i just noticed, you will moderate this, it will never be posted, and you will forget about it dismissing me as an asshole. ohh well, guess it was just a waste of time. couldnt be helped, seeing how faultless the woman was in your story, although anyone who reads that will see just how submissive that woman was and how dead her soul and sense of self is by now i imagine. good luck to you.

June 8, 2008 5:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am living this out right now with my wife. This hit the nail on the head. Now I have to look forward to our future, hopefully still together. Great Blog.

June 11, 2008 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am the one that watched my wife excel in work and acquire a large salary and work load. The job was number one in her life while I slipped to 2 or 3. I allowed myself to compromise my feeleings and wants to reduce my stress and any arguments. Sex died for the last 10 years because she was controlling the time and place and I did not voice my concern about that dynamic.

This only allowed me to become more depressed. Mental and physical hurt was the result to this action.

Sure I used erotic stories for release but that is a hollow act to the sexual intamicy that I really wanted. The unhappiness got so bad I was having huge mood swings and unpleasant thoughts.

We agreed that I should seek therapy for this and it allowed me to see that she is a big part of the problem in controlling me and becoming a passive person, We were hurting each other silently.

Yes, I still love my wife but I have decided to reaquire my balls from the mantle and be an equal partner in the marriage. I will not stay in a loveless, roommate marriage. No amount of money, properity, lifestyle is worth the unhappiness I am in at the moment.

Change indeed happens and I am changing the dynamic of control in this marriage. If she wants to stay married she will need to also change to meet me otherwise change will happen anyway.

Men think with their brains and balls but women seem to demonize us when we crave either part.

June 20, 2008 4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Same as you described, except subtract hobbies and friends for the husband. Then just realize that all I'm concerned with is making sure that my wife and kids will never have to go to bed hungry--not my happiness.

Why is it wrong to delay your gratification until you're financially secure, especially if the husband is denying himself more than he asks of his wife?

I'll keep looking for an answer. I didn't find it here.

July 1, 2008 11:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also agree with the last comment.

I am having the same problem as described, but I don't take time for myself with friends and hobbies. Any time I do take time for pleasure, my wife is at my side. Yet she doesn't see that and says she does not love me anymore.

I don't understand how woman think. I work hard to make sure we have a home and food, and barely make do with what I get. Yet she feels neglected when any time I do something "fun" she is part of it.

I have neglected myself and deprived myself and always put her welfare first. I might not be too romantic, but she has never experienced hardship or poverty.

I have never been unfaithful to her, and I forgave her when I caught her kissing another. How can she be the one who loses her love when I have never reciprocated that action or been tempted to in any way?

I guess I'm just an idiot. But this article sure was one-sided. It does talk about the woman's perspective, but if women think like that when a man is killing himself to provide for his family, then they all need some major brain surgery or something.

December 26, 2008 3:55 AM  
Blogger Bob Smith said...

I tend to agree that this is one sided. It is certainly one possibility and undoubtedly many women have experienced similarly bleak circumstances. Being a husband myself, i pray i will never lose touch with what is important. One of the things that I found interesting was how, in the article, the man's job was described as something he prioritized over his wife. It seemed that he preferred working and pursuing his career to being with his family. I am sure there are men like that...but perhaps the author should revisit just what goes into work. You drag yourself out of bed to go and report to someone else who controls your life to some extent. When crap comes, you have to take it. When unfairness manifests, you have to deal with it. When you dont want to go, you have to go anyway. When you want to leave on time and your boss asks you to stay, you stay. Why? For fun? To buy motorcycles and fishing gear? No, to pay the rent, and buy the diapers and put the kids through school and buy furniture. Should men endeavor to be emotionally sensitive to their wives? Absolutely. However what they do is not all fun and games and sometimes having his wife initiate intimacy will restore some of the confidence he may have lost in the cutthroat world of work.

January 23, 2009 12:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This article describes exactly where I am today. 22 years of marriage. And 4 months ago it was "I no longer love you." Good news: she hasn't moved out and she is letting me try to win her affection / love again. I have no idea if I can but I'm trying. Sure wish I'd read your e-book 10 years ago. I really wish that. Some days I think "her love is dead and it will never return". Other days I think it is possible.

June 20, 2009 4:18 PM  
Blogger E Smith said...

Two years ago I got the biggest surprise of my life. My wife was gone for three days. She and our son (Hers by birth, mine by adoption) went to her former mother-in-laws funeral out of state. I didn't want her to go. I knew things were bad between us. I knew her X would be there, I sure didn't want her to bring our son. She came home, sat in our bed crying, she said she didn't want to hurt me, but she still had feelings for her X. She spent the next 6 months doing nothing but hurting me. She slept on the edge of the bed, turned her head when I tried to kiss her and looked to the floor when I told her that I loved her. She refused to talk because in her mind she had already done enough of that. She looked into reversing the adoption, she droped the child support order against her X for the back support, she even brought her older daughter (also mine by adoption) to see him. She would spend 4 or 5 hours "visiting" with him when ever she would drop off or pick up our son on weekends. By April of that year she was in a hotel with him while she was supposed to be at work.

I put up with all this, not gracefully, but I did put up with it. I thought if I gave him enough rope, he would hang himself, which he did. He got what he wanted, free of the back support and into her pants and then lost all interest in seeing MY son. She saw that he hadn't changed at all, saw the mistake she was making and stayed.

Now she is trying to makeup for things. She is working hard to be a good mother to the two boys we still have at home. (one hers, one mine). She is woking hard to be a good wife, we have everyting we had except the intimacy, most likely due to the guilt over the cheating that she thinks I still don't know about. I could tell her I know but that would just force her to deal with it before she is ready, that will not end well for either of us.

All this happened because I didn't listen to her when she tried to tell me what her problems were. I was sure they would just go away, that she would always just love me. The funny thing is she does still love me and we are trying, but it is hard.

Long story short, this article is not as far fetched as the first poster would have you think. A marriage can go sideways with one party totaly blind to it. I knew things were bad, but I had no idea she was capable of all this, or that she could be that mad at me. I had no idea I could hurt her as much as I did by not taking her seriously.

I'm not blind anymore and we will regain the trust and intimacy that we have walked all over, soon I hope.

December 9, 2009 4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first 1/2 of this was very well written - mirrored my life, but then it became a little one sided and maybe a typical "female"(?) rant.

My wife and I hve been married 11 years and been together for 15, since University. We are both career orientated people with my income being a little under $200K and she pulls in (or was) over $250K. My wife would, however, take being a full time mother over being a worker any day. "Sure" I say. "Cut back as much as you want". She has her own business so can work as little or as much as she wants. She cuts back at least 1 1/2 days a week, starts later and finishes earlier so she can drop kids off at school and pick them up, has all school holidays off and we earn at least $100-120K less a year because of it. Do I care? Hell no. Money is no big deal and there are more important things in life. At this point in time it's having at least one parent there at all times for the kids and my wife loves it. She loves catering to their every need. She loves being a Mum more than anything else and loves our kids deeply - although you wouldn't know it by the way she is always yelling at them.

She is then unhappy because I don't "help out" as much as she would like. Ok, so I do up a roster. Even though I agreed to her working significantly less so she can be a Mum, she wants me to do just as much house work as she does. Aren't Mum's meant to do the housework? We also hire cleaners and get someone in once or twice a week to help out with the kids baths, dinner etc so she can relax even more.

Yet she is still not happy. The latest is we have no hobbies in common and I have too many hobbies. Is that unusual? I'm a guy, you're a girl. I thought it would be natural to have different interests. We both like some things like golf & scuba diving but you can't do these hobbies together often as the kids can’t do them & they take up nearly a whole day so we need a baby sitter. Besides, she only LIKES them whereas I LOVE them. She couldn't care less if she played golf or not. I do play golf once a week & play poker with my friends once or twice a week. I have always thought this was fine but apparently not. As she feels she is missing out on her share of fun I have been encouraging her to get some friends together and start a weekly thing, such as tennis, cards, whatever. For at least the past 2 years I have been telling her to do this but has she ever made an attempt to do so? Nope.

I'm getting to the stage where I'm thinking it's probably for the best we do split up. I've had about enough of trying my best to make her happy and keep us together and now think living in a one bedroom flat by myself would be fantastic. I think deep down that the only reason I have not left yet is because of the kids. They are 6 and 8 and I think my leaving would stuff up their personalities and the rest of their lives. Once I’m gone I’m gone though. Need to make sure I make the right decision.

January 19, 2010 12:19 AM  

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